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#1134881 05/09/04 11:26 PM
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This is hard for me to post - my mom is dying of cancer. Her breast cancer was discovered in Sept 04 - by November, we knew it had spread to her bones, in Feb, we celebrated her 80th birthday, less than a month later scans revealed she had extensive liver cancer. I live 5000 miles away from my mom, I have two boys, and I work - I was able to visit my mom in February for 10 days, and I went again the week after Easter. Each time I took one of the boys with me - they both knew that she was going to die, so that it was the last time they'd see her. My mom lives with my sister and is in the care of a good hospice so I know she is well cared for and in the arms of her family. But it hurts not to be able to be with her now. It may be possible for me to go again, but that's not decided yet.

My mom has been in denial, and that made the times I was with her quite difficult - she was not willing to talk about what was happening to her, even when she was too weak to get out of bed because she had not been able to eat for two months. In the last few days, she has accepted that she's dying. I spoke to her last night - her speech is very slurred, she can barely speak and she is also on liquid morphine now, so she is very groggy. She has made the decision to not get any more intravenous fluids, and as she is already dehydrated, I expect she will not last much longer.

I love my mom - I have not had a contentious relationship with my mom - although I have a lot of mixed feelings coming up for me. I am grateful that we have been able to be friends, and I believe that she is going to a place where she will be restored in spirit.
I don't want her to suffer any longer, and I pray that she will be released from this life rather than suffer more pain. My mom has had a very difficult life and if anyone didn't deserve to suffer at the end, it would be her, so that makes me very sad.

While I have accepted that I probably have seen my mom for the last time, and I have been able to go on with my family life and my job reasonably well until now, as of this weekend, I am starting to feel very low - I know this is part of grieving, so I am just going with it. I have been depressed before over things that happened to me, but I have never felt depressed over what is happening to someone else. I realize that depression is part of grieving, though, and I expect it will pass.

But I am very sad today. I miss her already.

LIR

<small>[ May 09, 2004, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

#1134882 05/09/04 11:47 PM
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LIR - I will be thinking of you today. Maybe you can write her a letter, and your sis can read it to her.

When my neighbor was dying, he loved mail from his family, and was so happy to get letters from them.

It must be awful going through this on Mothers Day. Hugs to you from California.

#1134883 05/09/04 11:55 PM
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Lady in Red,

My deepest heartfelt sympathy and support goes out to you. I have buried my mother and a sister, who died at the age of 52 from lung cancer. I know it is terribly hard for you to be separated from your mom right now. Hospice workers told my brother-in-law when to call us so we could be with my sister at the end. Perhaps they can do the same for you?

But now that three years have passed since my sister's death and 11 since my mom's passing, it is not the scene of my mother taking her last breath that I remember, nor my sister's raspy inhale giving way to complete peace.

About my mom I remember her beautiful blue eyes, sparkling smile and the way she always said, "hello angel" when I called her. For my sister I recall the month before she died, when all of my sisters (there are six of us) got together and toured all the houses we ever lived in as kids, returned to our old high school to see the girls' basketball team practicing, and stopped in our childhood church, where we all said a prayer for the wonderful relationships we had all been blessed with and a faith that kept us together even after death. The trip wore my sister out, but it gave her peace as well.

The things you'll remember of your mom are the things she means to you and your family. She will never really leave you, though you'll miss her every day. Healing will come with time, and with the wonderful memories you have. Cherish your mom's memory when she is gone. Live your life so those you leave behind will also cherish their memories of you.

~ Snow

#1134884 05/09/04 12:04 PM
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Thank you, believer and Snowbelle -

I'm still crying when I read these - I just keep thinking that what I'll remember of my mom is how much love she gave me - how she was there for me like a lighthouse in the dark so many times....she's one of five sisters, and one has already passed on, so I know her sister will be waiting for her...my brother also died three years ago in May...I wasn't able to be with my brother when he died either...I live in England, but I am from California, and my family are all there...maybe I will be able to go when the time comes...

I'm not worried about being depressed, I guess I'm just starting to let all my feelings come out and I know the sadness won't last forever...she's a beautiful person, my Mom - and I will miss her so much...

Thank you so much for sharing your stories, Snowbelle - that helps...sharing love with each other is all there really is in this world that's important, isn't it? When you get right down to it...

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers...I appreciate it....believer...she always loved my letters, so I think I will write one....especially since she can no longer talk on the phone...

Take care all,
LIR

#1134885 05/09/04 12:18 PM
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LIR, in Mother's day, I send a lot of love to you and your mom. I will keep you in my prayer. Lot of love anf hugs.

#1134886 05/09/04 12:22 PM
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Thank you so much, lostnhurt...I appreciate all your prayers....I believe that prayers are really helping my mom to cope....

Its really helping to know others care....

I'm going to sign off now, to finish dinner for my family and go try to call my sister's to wish her and my mom a happy mother's day...

Will check in tomorrow.

Bye for now.
LIR

#1134887 05/09/04 12:33 PM
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LIR,

My deepest sympathies are with you. Maybe you could write her a letter telling you how you feel about her & send it to her. This would let her know how you feel about her before anything happens, and it might give you a peace of mind to get it off your chest knowing that you expressed your feelings for her before she passed. You're in my prayers.

#1134888 05/09/04 01:28 PM
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((((( LIR )))))

...... no words.....

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ May 09, 2004, 02:28 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

#1134889 05/09/04 03:04 PM
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I lost my Mom to cancer too. She was 53.

It absolutely sucks.

My deepest, deepest sympathies.

dewt

#1134890 05/09/04 07:50 PM
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I have erased about ten things, nothing sounds right.

People do care - I hope you know that. Once again you have our prayers.

Ask your H for help - I am sure he is giving what he knows how to give, but ask him for exactly what you need, and he will give it with all his heart.

Don't be afraid.

SS

#1134891 05/09/04 08:34 PM
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LIR, I am so sorry about your Mother! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

#1134892 05/10/04 04:01 AM
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Thank you so much, you guys - you are really helping me get through my day.

I'm at work now, and will get off in two hours and be able to go home. My H is at home, so I'll probably have lunch with him.

Pep - thanks, good buddy - I know you know what I'm going through and what my mom is going through. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I've been praying for you, too.

dewt - I'm sorry about your mom - that's way too young to die - funny you should say what you did because that's just the way she put it, too - you know, she's been in total denial, which has been really hard - she lives with my sister and her family - 3 kids at home ages 20, 16 and 8 - she took care of all of them, was my sister's main babysitter - so it is hard for them, too - last week, when she finally accepted she was dying, that's how she put it - "If this is dying, it sucks!" I give her full marks for being so honest. But that's the way she has always been.

ss - you don't have to say anything. I know you care. And it is REALLY helping me to know people care. I have friends, but you tend to not reach out too much and too often - people don't always know what to say, and also, I live in another culture - the English are notoriously reserved emotionally and yes, there is something to that - having said that, I received an e-mail from someone I don't know well, who was very kind. It helps to be reminded to ask H for what I need - he doesn't know what or how to give instinctively, but you are right, he does give when he's told what to do! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ML - thank you so much - it really helps just knowing people notice and do care. BTW - I'm one of those who appreciates your short and to the point style. You have a lot to give, even when some posters don't appreciate it. Don't give up on us yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Gotta go back to work now.
LIR

#1134893 05/10/04 04:05 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StandingTogether:
<strong> LIR,

My deepest sympathies are with you. Maybe you could write her a letter telling you how you feel about her & send it to her. This would let her know how you feel about her before anything happens, and it might give you a peace of mind to get it off your chest knowing that you expressed your feelings for her before she passed. You're in my prayers. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you so much SA - I did talk to her a tiny bit yesterday - she could barely speak, but I asked her if she wanted me to write to her, since I know how hard it is for her to talk on the phone now, and she said yes. I told her that I was so glad that we had been able to be friends - that we are is down to her being able to be non-judgemental so that I was able to trust her with myself - and since we have been able to be friends, we have nothing to "resolve" - we just have love to give each other. We both cried. We'll miss each other.

LIR

#1134894 05/10/04 04:25 AM
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LIR,

You are in my prayers. I really have no words to offer, I am sorry.

#1134895 05/10/04 08:51 AM
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Lady
There isn't much that I can say except I am thinking of you and your mom.
H

#1134896 05/12/04 03:43 AM
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Thank you so much, BM and Hiker - I do appreciate your thoughts and prayers. I saw your posts yesterday, but couldn't post, as I could only post at work, and had a very busy day yesterday at work.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I have pulled out of the depression and feel a lot better.

My mom was moved to the hospice last night for "symptom management" - apparently my sister found her out of bed, unable to talk, in pain and disoriented. They say they plan to keep her in for 5 days to assess her symptoms and her pain medication. My sister is very stressed, but being able to talk to me helps her a lot. She also has our family close by, who will come and help her, and be with her. I know she is not trying to cope with this alone.

I just want to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Because I have now pulled out of feeling so bad, I am able to be emotionally "with" my sister when she needs me. I know so many on these boards are in serious crises of their own, as I have been, as well. So God bless you all!

LIR

#1134897 05/12/04 07:27 AM
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<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> (((Lady))) I am thinking of you and praying for you.

I lost my mom to lung cancer in 2001. She was 68.
I still miss her so much.

God bless you and your family at this time! Find strength in each other and the Lord!

#1134898 05/12/04 08:52 AM
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(((( LIR ))))

thinking of you and hurting with you... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Pep

#1134899 05/12/04 09:27 AM
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So glad you are doing better. Some days are worse than others, but that means some are better. Hope today is a much better one.

SS

#1134900 05/12/04 09:40 AM
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I know how hard it is so see your own Mother suffer and know that her death in inevitable. I lost my Mom in 2002 to a brain tumor.

My prayers are with you.

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