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Joined: Nov 1999
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Mom it's far from too late.

You need to plan a while your H is away.

Heck I could not Plan A more than a couple of weeks with my H fence sitting. It is easier when they are gone.

I don't think your H wants some LVN form a nursing home, when he has you and his 3 beautiful boys. He wants you but he wants and must have respect and admiration from you. You have a hard road cut out for you because he will ALWAYS have others who will shower him with respect and admiration in the workplace. When he doesn't get it at home it's just that much more obvious for him. You can do this. I did it and I'm about the most stubborn wench you'll ever come across. I think you both a need a good MC in the here and now in addition to Steve, someone who can reteach you and H how to communicate fairly and lovingly without all the negative garbage getting in the way.

Dr. Laura's book will give you some good insight into your H's emotions and state of mind. I don't always agree with her, sometimes I don't even like her, but her book is timeless advise for married women desiring to have a fulfilling marriage.

Let him go, help him go, tell him you love him, be the best you can be and create some mystery.

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My Plan A sucked the last few weeks..I think you know that rh! I guess I need to do a good one for a few weeks..but I dont know if I am capable right now. I am very angry and upset and you name it. a lot of emotions going on.

mth, I hope you are right about what you say!

Stressed...no you did not hurt my feelings. They are alreayd hurt, but I am much stronger now then I was a month ago! I agree that he is still emotionally and mentaly involved in the A with or without OW. And I really dont think he has seen her. I just dont know what to think or do at this point. I have no idea where he is tonight. Maybe a Hotel...maybe his office...I dont know, but that is his problem.

I have pulled away from him since that day that OW called. Ever since that day, he has been different. Never the same. I even told him this week that I wanted to go with him to the NH to make an appearance. He said that was fine. HAHA! wel, that wont happen now, will it! Oh well, my boys and I will be fine without him...anyone want to go camping with us in June?

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Hi Mom -

So sorry to hear the latest news... You sound strong - I hope you are not hiding behind a mask! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

IMVVHO, you should continue to plan A him. You'll find it's much easier when they're not around 24/7. You know how grounded I am in plan A, though, so take my advice for what it's worth!

Hugs to you,
- WHB

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For the next fews days Mom.......do nothing. DO not react to your H's news, just let it be. He's not expecting you to be calm about this so give him a pleasant surprise. It will also start him asking questions in his head.

You do not have to Plan A with him gone forever; just long enough for him to see genuine changes in you and miss the life a family brings. If he continues to fence sit after several months then there is always Plan B.Time is on your side, do not make any hasty decisions or actions. He's got to get a glimpse of what a wonderful wife he'll be losing before he's going to buy into doing all the hard work it's going to take to build a new, better marriage. Believe it or not you can start RIGHT NOW to bring him back home to you.

I wouldn't give you my advise if I hadn't been so successful with it bringing my own H home to me and my kids.

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Please tell me what I can do RIGHT NOW! What do I do if he calls? Answer the phone? of course, but what do I say? I am such a mess!

BTW, my eamil wont let me reply to those who have sent me emails!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm working on it...I did get your emails and I thank you for your support!

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Plan A in mind and don't talk R ... just talk about the boys and thing that you do. Ask him what hi is doing too ... NO R talk.

If he started and you feel you are not ready you just say "I can't talk about it right now, I am not ready and stil hurt. Could we talk tommorow about this ?" Don't wait for his answer, change th subject right away.

You could do it.

-rh-

Joined: Apr 2004
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Mom -

Although I am new at this I will tell you what I have been doing. If my WH calls I answer the phone and I talk to him. I simply just talk, not about the relationship or what he is doing. My WH tends to get cranky if he thinks I am checkin up on what he is up to.

If your husband calls just act calm and talk sweet. Don't say anything about the relationship or even ask him where he is.

My first few nights without my WH were tough but I am doing great now and I will tell you that Plan A is MUCH easier when they are not in the house. I would also agree with I doubt that he is out of the A. My husband changed all of a sudden too. We were making progress and then OW appears and he is acting odd. You said that your dad starting acting funny after OW called. Seems odd huh??

Stay strong <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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Redhat's advise is right on the money Mom. Calm, supportive, concerned, always and loving when you can manage it.

No relationship talk, no educating, no questions, no guilt provoking, no begging.

Instead; calm, composed, CONFIDENT, pleasant, assured, positive, and again, when you can manage it loving.

You can do this! Do not spend your emotional energy thinking and wondering about him. You cannot control what he thinks or does so spend that energy on your plan for improving you. Be diligent, be consistent, be positive. Show him attractive qualities and make them a part of who you are on a daily basis. Hard? No worse than hard, especially when you feel as if you are dying inside but you desire a new, better than before marriage so you've got to do everything you can trying.

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What you do right now... is start healing YOU. That's going to be tough, but it's very, very important.

You have a wonderful opportunity here -- you have the chance to let out ALL the awful emotions and to treat your Self well. Just listen to it all as it goes through your head. Listen and listen, and walk and walk. And breathe and pray if that's something you do. Whether you pray or not, spend time listening to your own breath... it's so important right now. Just listen as much as you possibly can.

And let yourself grieve. You don't know yet what you're grieving for, and that's all right.... all you need to know right now is that something is broken and terribly frightening and it's okay to grieve.

Not to attack your husband, for he is not the source of this breaking. This is a breaking within you, dear Mom.

Inside, there is gold. But the breaking is still painful. So grieve.

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Thank you so much for all of your continued support! It means the world to me! Everthing is so overwhelming right now, but I think that in my heart I could see this day coming.

I know I am a strong person, I think I proved that when he moved out last time. I know how easy it was for me to do a GREAT Plan A then...but can I do as good or even better this time. While I am so angry and frustrated!

He called me about 30 minutes ago. He was at his office! An hour away. First thing he said was he didnt' know what he was doing there! he said it just didn't feel "right" it all feels so wrong..I think his exactl words were "this all just feels soo wrong, just so wrong, this is all wrong" i said "as opposed to what? What is right?" He said "being home with you and my kids with my family" I said "yes, it is, but you have to WANT to be here"...I was very calm and collected. I think. I was pleasant but not overly excited or anything. I just acted normal. I wasn't panicky or begging or anything like that. I let him talk and I said a few things. He said "I feel really sh!tty right now" I said "what do you mean" and he said that he just felt sick about it and it just didn't feel right what he was doing. He also said that maybe he NEEDED to feel sh!tty so he can have it all hit him.

I dont know...I told him I didn't know what to say to that. I didn't want to say "well, yea, you [censored]! I just said nothing really. Then the 3 y/o was crying and I had to calm him down. You know everyday normal things around here. He kept asking about the kids and what they were doing. Wanted to know what I was doing.

Some things he said earlier this week I remember we were in the garage and I told him I wanted to go to the NH with him...he said ok, that is fine, but why? and I explained to him that I needed to expose myself as a real person to these people and let them know who I am...He said that I didn't need to worry about going to all the NH, just the ONE NH..I said, no, I need to go to all of them, cuz it can happen anywhere...then he said "this will NEVER happen again, NEVER" I said "how are you so sure" he said he knew he was sure..he would never do this to me again.

I do believe in his heart he wants this to work out with us..but his head and heart are not in sink right now. Making it difficult.

Please tell me...should I just go on about my everyday normal life, making it clearn to him that I can survive without him or will that push him away and let him think...ok, she is fine without me, I can move on...I am sooo confuse...I know I ahve been thru this before...why cant I remember what to do!

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Mom, you did really well.

I have no experience of this as I never moved out, although I did want to at one stage, simply to get my head round things. H threatened to leave as well at one stage when he just couldn't see his Plan A working. But that's behind us now.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - I think you two are going to make it. Don't take him back too soon - I, for one, don't think he's seeing the OW. I think he genuinely needs the time. Which doesn't help you now but I think it will in the long haul.

Jenny

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Mom,

That looks like a good sign! I am very happy for you. Just hang in there, you are doing well not asking for confirmation or reassurance. I know you are very strong, and your strength shows up positively. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just continue to show him what he is missing in the home he left. It's unfair for BS to have to keep the family and the home together, but it feels just so good to hear that he feels it is not right being out there!

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Thank you guys! I just sent him a text msg...figured it was better than a phone call as I may say something I am not supposed to over the phone...here is what I sent him

"just want you to know I DO luv U! This is hard on both of us! I hope that you can see clearly someday and we can move forward!"

I went back and forth with that seeing clearly one, I didnt' know if that would be an LB or not, but I was pretty limited with the amount of characters I could type in.

I hope I am doing the right thing..if not..I think I will be ok...I dont know if he is reading these or not, I know he has a computer at work, But I dont know if he would log onto MB or not!

I think i am going to head on to bed now...TRY to get some shut eye! I dont sleep well when he is gone. I keep waking up in the middle of the night HOPING every car that goes by is his coming home! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

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momto3boys,

Even deep in his fog dadto3boys loves you and know what he supposes to do but unable to get his heart going. You did good no LB <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> .

You should not hide your pain and hurt but you should hold LB'ng.

You should show strength but not pushing him away ... I am fine w/o you but I prefer you stay here and working on M. You can't negotiate from a weakness you have to be at least on the equal footing w/ WS.

Have you evaluate your plan A ?

-rh-

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Thank you rh!!! I haven't evaluated anything...I dont even think I HAVE a Plan A right now! I know I have a headache <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I know I didnt' have a Plan A the last few weeks...I do need to reevaluate everything. But how? Maybe we can talk about it tomorrow? on IM? I need to get some sleep righ tnow! I am beat!

Thank you to you all for your continued support and reassurance! I look forward to waking up and reading the rest!

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Just IM me when you see me available or get Lulu. I know I won't be available from 11:30am-1:30PM ... I am meeting someone for lunch date <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . -rh-

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Hi Mom and all.
The thing is, with all this good advice, your H probably reads what you and others write here on the MB since he used to write also as 'dadto3boys'!

He will feel like he is being manipulated by the advice of how to be extra pleasant, sweet, kind, loving, respectful etc. (All of those things we should be everyday, however, he may think it is just an act!)

I feel for most of us BW's, it was better that our H's weren't reading here and learning our 'secret tactics!'
Love, Julie

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good for you rh! I hope you have a great date! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Julie, IF dad is reading these posts, well so be it...he knows all the MB concepts as we have been studying them for weeks now and we went to the seminar, so nothing is going to be new to him as far as the way I act and stuff...I did a good Plan A last time and he knows I am changing, but he has to be willing to change and WANT to change as well....If he thinks that I am manipulating him, then he needs to get over that. I will do everything I can to SAVE my marriage, but I WILL NOT be a doormat nor will I put up with his waffling or fence sitting any longer. I do love him, but I love the man I married, not the man he has become since he had this A.

Dad isnt going to have time to read anyway..the only puter he has is at work and he wont be there after today, unless he sleeps at his office all week. real comfortable without a bed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

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Well, That's it! I'm done with him...he was with her last night! Didn't take him long did it! He just made up his mind! I hope she was well worhth it and I hope she is worth the family he has just given up!

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Mom...very sorry to hear your latest story.

I was like you...hoping that MB will help our WH until i realised that there is only so much we can do for them. WS have to go through the whole process and see the light for themselve.

It is time you look after yourself. Plan B will help you.

Our WS are acting like teenagers...we need to be the adult here. Let them be.

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