all the bitterness in my heart, deep down I've always wanted my marriage to work. All the time I wanted to work, but I was still in the battle within myself. I don't know.....I am feeling a bit weird. I need you guys help!! Now this has been the most supportive group EVER, I've had members offering me their homes just to get myself together.

For some reason I feel like its an addiction. I love this man, but I don't want him to think that anything he has done to me is ok because of my love. I feel if he has that kind of power, I am a lost soul.

Anyways to what I was saying...... It's been about 5 months in the battle and little by little things have improved. THere has been no contact, yet my trust is not yet implanted. I feel like I can only leave this to faith. I am going to the states for summer school. (school is very important to me, so is my husband) He doesn't want me to compromise the two either. THe fact is that, he will have to stay in Europe while I am in school! He is going on vacation with his parents. I'm a bit taken by that. I don't really want him to go on vacation........and I don't want to leave him alone... Because I DO NOT TRUST HIM!!!!!! THERE! That's the truth! I cannot trust him to be by himself, and not having news for more than two weeks.

I was suppose to leave in May, but I pushed back until June.. I'm pulling this as much as possible just so I do not want to leave him alone. His visa will have to be processed in order for him to move to the states which can take from 6 months to a year.. if not longer. IT's annoying as hell!!!!!!!!! I have to move back because frankly with all that has happened here, I do not feel ok. I will never be secured. I remember Dr. Harley says you must do anything possible to fix your marriage, even MOVING!... yeah.. I am dreading moving, but I feel for us to survive is to move. He didn't want to go back to the states, neither did I, but now when he sees there is no way around this, that I am going. He is willing to go with me, but visas do take long.

I don't know.. what do you guys think? Let him have his vacation.. and be separated...and this is not like before, the marriage is very sensitive right now... I just don't know.. HELP!

Well since you asked my advice is forget school for now..

Your marraige should be your priority always...
and big moves and changes should not be done when the foundation is on shifting ground...

and yep I realize it's easy for me to say..
and way harder to do..but life is full of hard decisions...

and some times what we think we want..is not what we need.....

moving to the states no matter what so you feel secure does not sound like the best plan either...
the issues in the marriage will go with you no matter where you are....

you can't run from them
you can't escape from them...

his vacation is not what makes you two seperated it is you going to school...

sounds like you taker is running a little rampant...which is an understandable force...but if you really want the marriage...REALLY WANT MARRIAGE...then you must put that first....

ARK

Hi harudah, hope you are ok.

If you dont want to go, dont go. Have you looked into distance learning?

How long would you be in the states?

With lots of love

Harudah -

I think ark is probably right, she usually is. How far are you from graduating? What is your major? Let's explore all of the possibilities.

You are still very young, and have plenty of time. My sister went to Harvard when she was 40, and is now a partner in a law firm. So don't think you have to make all of your life decisions right now.

Then you can always come to California, and run wild on the beach.

Since I lost last semester, I have about a year and half to go. WHen I graduate I will have an international Business Management Degree with a minor in Sociology. My minor is actually my true passion,(Research)... but uhmm I had to compromise that because of the demands in the market.
1. I like going to school in the States.
2. I have more connections and have more friends in the US .. I can get a job easier.
3. I feel like I'm wasting my time. I don't know I feel like I am not being productive enough.
4. I can actually go to school, but in french which would not cost a fraction of what I would be paying. (I speak and write french fluently)
5. My willingness to go to a European University.. (I dunno, I am used to American style)
6. If I go to school here, I'd pick something more practical and in demand which would take 3 more years.. ( I am not scared to get another degree)
7. I think Ishould be happy to go back home, but I AM NOT! I'd be lying to say that I am enthusiastic to go. This is where all my family is, I miss them, but I am not so keen to go.

Yes, Ark, I know what you mean. My husband do not want to have that guilt in him either. He wants me to continue my studies. He doesn't want me to go because he is pushing the dates back all the time. We finally started to settle down, and now........ My health isn't the best either. I do not have colon Cancer, but I do have an inflammation and further and the cause ... I shall know..

I feel everything is coming down on me. I don't want to feel like a loser! School was my life, we're the type of couple that always want the best for each other's career.... and I don't want to see him fail, nor does he want me to shatter my dreams.

I desperately want to go back to school, but I do not want to put the space in my marriage anymore. The personal choices that we've made always override our true desires. My H would be disappointed in me if I didn't go back to school, and in myself. I need schooling, but I also want my marriage. Separation will built more insecurities, and I know in my head I'm already planning my return date.

Sighs***

It's so hard.

School was my life

when does your marraige get the same attention and value...?


I read your seven reasons...and not one makes your MARRIAGE a priority...
not one...

The personal choices that we've made always override our true desires.

hadurah..what you sound like is that your true desire is not your marriage but your schooling....

and that's fine if that is your choice and your priority...but you can't have it both ways...

you cant' give lip service to wanting a marriage....a real marriage of two people acting as a team....if your actions are not team actions....

and it doesn't make life unfair...

if you valued your marriage more than your schooling...it would a no brainer decisions...
ESPECIALLY your reasons...

ark...

uhmm.....

I don't know for the last 4 years, my marriage has been first priority; After the affair, I start to think my career should come first...... And that is the battle within myself. I want both. I don't want to compromise either. And by going, I am compromising my marriage, and by staying I am compromising my schooling. Clear cut and simple. I just wish it wasn't like that. It is, unfortunately. I don't want to be a "pretty Dum Dum"

Thanks Ark.. I need this kind of reality check to get things in perspective. Its like things are switching around .. my husband willing to move makes it easier, and willing to take any job just to make it work......its like rewinding time.

I hope things clear up soon within me.

It is not as clear cut as that, harudah.

Staying need not equal compromising your schooling, if you actually got out there and researched how you can have both, you would find there are many options open to you.

I think you are rationalising going to the states because it is the easy option regarding your marriage.

Instead of agonising over this situation, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

Sorry about the 2x4 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I should be hitchicking right now........

I couldn't help to have a strange feeling after almost 3 months of no contact.. he fell off the wagon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He came home, no kiss for me.. and he was all down and sad. I made the dinner,his mood got better... so I decided I'd snoop.. I couldn't go to sleep without that hanging feeling that he had contact. I found out OW wrote to him and ask if he's forgotten abou ther he was like "no sweetie, I didn't forget about you... I am far from forgetting you."

Here is my reason.

I'm a bad state ever since I found out. I decided to ask him straight questions.

Do you love me? "Yes, I love you"

Do you love her? He looked surprised and said "why are you asking all these questions at 2 am?"

I said tell me the truth. "Have you had contact?"
he answers "NO
I asked the question again: YOu had contact? Yes or NO?
He look at me.. and he said "NO"

I said "look, I know the answer to the question, I am just giving you the chance to tell me the truth."

Then he broke down crying, and went in shock.. I was warm and supportive.. I held him.

Then i couldn't take it anymore, I moved inside theliving room. I cried, and called up all my friends that I didn't tell. They kept me company until 9 this morning until I fell asleep on the couch until 12.. I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. He left for work telling me "I can't stop you from doing what you got to do, but I love you."

Anyways...I always check up on him when he goes to work for him to tell me he arrived since he work one hour away from home. NO answer.

But ok. It's suppose to be 6 months.. before I go into Plan B and its been 5 months....

harudah -

Well looks like he is still addicted. Now what is your plan? I do think he loves you, but is also wanting to hold onto his fantasy.

Sorry for this setback. I thought things were going so well for you. I know it really hurts.

today, I have to plan... I am just going to cry... cry all day.. last night I thought about opening the gas......my friends stayed on the phone and MSN to make sure I kept talking and talking.. They stayed until they couldn't anymore. I felt asleep...I don't think I'm going to turn the gas on.

I'm lost Beleiver. I have no plan, for the first time in my life I don't want a damn plan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please don't give WH and OW so much power in your life. If you are really thinking about turning on the gas, time for Plan B.

You are too smart, ambitious, and beautiful to let them get the best of you. Keep posting here and we will figure out some of your options.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You know... I just want to sleep a little bit more... I need sleep so badly. I can't beleive how much energy I have. Sometimes I surprise myself.

I want to sleep....but I can't... I keep playing my songs and making my eyes bleed. It's all I can do now. That is all I can do.... I should make myself pretty just in case I plan a trip for this afternoon.

Well, you're right, he is in his fantasy.. can't let go for his little fantasy. I have fantasies tooo........why can't I make them true?

Harudah - Well if you are up and still posting, change the title of your thread. Your present one makes it seem like all is well. Change it to something like "Turning on the gas". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hugs to you from California. You know you can always come here if things get too bad.

you're right, but I forget how to edit.. smart huh? oh well ..

I took a long bath, brushed my teeth for the 4000th times... I'm going outside I think.. I'm going to buy me some flowers.... its very dark here and comfortable... I don't want to be alone with my brain... so I don't want to stop the music.........I CAN"T STOP THE MUSIC.. so I can't go outside.

FYI
Sorry, the time in which you may edit your message has elapsed.

<small>[ May 13, 2004, 08:54 AM: Message edited by: Harudah ]</small>

Im so sorry about this setback, Harudah.
It must hurt really bad that he lied to you again.

I may be wrong, but maybe its time for plan B?
Maybe if you just took a holiday for a couple of weeks.

Make sure you look after yourself and try to stay positive.
If there is anything I can help you with, let me know.

Sending you lots of love.

I"ve been Damaged!

uhmm.... He came back home, on time. He came home crying...with flowers....

I don't want my taker to override, I took the flowers.
It's funny, it was automatic! The minute he contacted OW back, his attitude changed.... I just pick up from that so easily!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow.. anyways still breathing... breathing still.

How are you feeling at the moment?
Do you want to stay or go?
Do you think he is sincere?

Me Myself and I... and my head... want to bail right now. My heart....is a *****!!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I'm so mad at myself.! Maybe I hate me. He hasn't said anything. He didn't say anything just with the flowers crying. It's like Deja vu without the flowers.

Anyways, maybe that vacation would do me well after all...........

You need to talk to him.

Maybe you should go and see believer for your holiday?