Yes, I am the enemy to you all. Trust me I feel it. I'm trying to do the right thing now and I'm needing help with my NC letter. I haven't really found anything on the site to give me too much direction and I want to do this right, and have it make an impact. Thanks for any words of wisdom.

The only thing I can say is to be truly honest. As a BS that's one thing that's important to us all. Also it would be helpful to hear your point of view about all of this. It might help BS's to understand.

very regretful -

You are not the enemy. In fact, you are an extemely brave individual who seems to be trying to do everything in your power to end your destructive behavior. Because along with hurting others, your actions have hurt yourself - as you probably already know, which is probably why you are here.

Read the concepts on this site. Keep posting. You have started out great - by asking a direct question about something you do not fully understand. You will find lots of support and love here. I think that is what this place is - a place to come and begin to heal.

A NC letter should stress your desire to end the relationship, the A (affair). The letter should also state your intention of NC. Because, you see, even with YOUR best effort and YOUR desire to end the A, the OP (Other Person) may not be so inclined. Ultimately, you need to realize that you can only control you. So, you need to be willing to maintain NC, even if the OP continues to try to contact you. That is a HUGE commitment and will take lots of strength, focus, and support.

A few questions to help us all understand your situation better. Are you married? Kids? I assume the OP is married, since you are the OW. Do they have kids? How long has the A been going on? What made you decide to end the A?

Enquiring minds want to know! You are in the right place. Keep keeping on.

Lots of love and support and HUGS!

SS

You're no longer an enemy - and that term doesn't seem right anywway. Alien abductee, maybe. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

There are sample NC letters around, but in essence, you should cover these items, simple and to the point:

The affair was wrong
Apologize to your affair partner for participating in it
Apologize to the affair partner's wife
Specify that no contact of any kind can ever occur again. Period.

If you are married, recommit to your marriage and have your H sign the letter as well. Allow him to mail it.

<small>[ May 13, 2004, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Cyn, I plan to be honest, my H and I have made a pack to be completely honest about this situation. Would you believe I have issues. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> This is something I found in a book, ironicly enough Power of A Praying Wife, this best describes my frame of mind before and during the A. I was feeling a dispair that paraylzed all good decison making. I was experiencing a degree of hopelessness and lack of fulfillment that causes a person to give up trying to do what's right. I was experiencing such a build up of a negative emotion day after day, year after year, that I needed something wonderful, that I could no longer pretend to have in my H. I was tortured with a loneliness that left me longing for anyone who would look into my soul and see me. It took me by complete surprised, I didn't even realize I was lacking, until I was being fullfilled by this other man.

Cyn, I plan to be honest, my H and I have made a pack to be completely honest about this situation. Would you believe I have issues. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> This is something I found in a book, ironicly enough Power of A Praying Wife, this best describes my frame of mind before and during the A. I was feeling a dispair that paraylzed all good decison making. I was experiencing a degree of hopelessness and lack of fulfillment that causes a person to give up trying to do what's right. I was experiencing such a build up of a negative emotion day after day, year after year, that I needed something wonderful, that I could no longer pretend to have in my H. I was tortured with a loneliness that left me longing for anyone who would look into my soul and see me. It took me by complete surprised, I didn't even realize I was lacking, until I was being fullfilled by this other man.

SS, thank you for the kind words, I am in a very dark place with myself right now. The shame is tearing me up, the guilt, the sorrow. I'm a mess. Yes, I am married, 2B's, he is M with a G&B. The A lasted about 4 to 5 months. Text book A. I can't believe when I read some of the articles, it is all my story. How it starts, the addiction, the FOG. Which he is still in, and poses such danger for me. I am strong now, but I find it to be such a hinderance, and it is so hurting him and his family. My decision to end the A was just the need to come clean, to repent to God, to stop all the bad behavior. I was drained from all the lies and cover ups. It lost it's charm, and I seen in plain view the damage it was causing his family. The selfish act was no longer worth the pain I was causing so many others. You know, I read some of the forums, and it breaks my heart for all of you who are on the other end. I read some of the doubts people have, follow your gut. If it looks like a duck, it is a duck. My H would have never seen the A. He has just now joined my marriage. It shook him to a degree in which he has changed his entire life around for the better of us. So everybody out there, go with plan A, make it work, you can be more appealing than the other, what you have, your M is real, an A is all illusion, and fantasy, stick it out, win them back, and then love them, like they desire to be loved.

You said...

"I am the OW"

[/b]You are actually the WW as far as most of us are concerned.

And we would love to help you build your marriage back up.

Pep[/b]

Very Regretful,
Welcome! You are not the enemy! Having said that please uderstand that there are a diverse group of people on this board that are at various stages in the infidelity cycle. Those at the beginning are in general less tolerant.

You are off to a great start. I wish my wife had come to me and revealed the affair without me having to have stumbled upon it and then having to have played detective for several months.

Your actions will help re-establish trust a bit faster for your H than if he had discovered it and you had denied, denied & denied some more (typical WS discovery response)for many weeks, moths or years.

Your another step ahead by your desire to actively pursue a NC letter. This will also help your H with trust issues.

Concerning NC letter, I have a few suggestions: Make it very business like. State the simple facts that you have made a major mistake, that you have hurt you H very much and that you are staying with your H and the marriage. Then state that bc of the affair and the broken trust you must never have contact with OM again. Ask the OM to please follow your wishes and that if he does contact you you will immediately tell your H. Sign your name.

As I said earlier the tone should be factual. NO EMOTION. No I'm sorry that we'll never be friends again or be able to share our blah blah blah. I wouldn't even use "dear" in the salutation nor would I say "have a good life" or "I wish you and your family the best".

Next step to help your H is to allow him to inform the OM's W of the affair. It should be done in a non vengeful manner. She deserves to know the truth. This is another important step for your H's trust becausae by being willing to do this you show that you are no longer willing to protect the OM. This will show that you have H's well being above OM's

How is your H doing, btw?

Post a bit about H and his reaction and current behavior.

Keep posting and good luck,

cwmac


Let your H send it (so he knows it went)

<small>[ May 13, 2004, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

worthatry, I just read your profile, I'm in tears for you. I'm sure you have recovered, then again, you are still posting??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> D breaks my heart, infidelity does, I can't believe I am forever a cheater. I can't believe I'm the WW, the OW. I much prefer your take the alien ubductee. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I love your advise for the letter, having my H have a part in it. thank you.

Thank you for your post veryregretful, I appreciate hearing from someone on the other side of this painful situation.

I think sometimes as BS's we forget how painful the A is for ALL involved.

Good luck to you and your H, I wish you a swift recovery! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pepperband,
I guess either of them are better than what she is calling me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Very regretful,

I too would like to welcome you and mention that I am glad you have chosen to do the right thing for all involved.Ask your husband(H) is he would like to come here too,if that's ok with you.We can help him with all the pain and emotion he is going through.He is one "lucky" guy in that you have "seen the light" and are going to put a stop to this bad and hurtful behavior.Many of us have yet to have the A ended like me.You can have a better marriage than ever if you are both willing to try and DO.

And don't consider yourself always a cheater.You can move beyond this and be a much better person so you will not have to carry around the stigma of Infidelity.But I hope you can really commit to that.It is very hard for WS's(wayward spouses) to do the no contact.This will be your true test of will.If you stay with us we will help get you there.

O

<small>[ May 13, 2004, 12:37 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

cwmac,
Don't give me too much credit, we would have been busted by his S. My H, never would have figured it out, he has been in his own world for 8 years of marriage. However, he has suddenly turned into Mr. Wonderful. So, from my side y'all, it is hard to take, for 8 years I was neglected, and now I have done something completely out of character and I'm feeling like the worst person in the world and he all of the sudden is sweet to me. Is it real, this instant change in him, does it wake you up that much, for a full about face???? I have been an awesome wife, believe it or not, I'm loving, submissive, I stay at home with our children, I'm a Godly woman, believe it or not, and I'm gorgeous, just joking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So bussiness like with the letter, facts only, I can do that. Thank you. His spouse knows, first person my H called, after he exploded on me, and the OM. My H, is struggling, he has always been my rock, and now he is very insecure, not an attractive sight, he tries so hard to contain it. Our communication has grown so much. He tells me, I'm having a bad insecure day, call me alot today. I tell him, if your going to drive by on lunch at least stop and say Hi. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We live 25 minutes from his work. I'm so sorry for what I have turned him into. He checks the phones everyday, but beleive me I know how to delete, and get rid of the last call so there is no *69. He has video taped the house. I understand it all, I don't like it, but I understand it, and any WS will if they are done with the A.

Octobergirl,
How nice of you to be so sweet to me, when you are still in the midst of all the pain. Plan A will work, I see how it can for the OM S in my case. The A, is an illusion of a life that is without any responsibility, and worries, it has no lasting strength. What is real is the committment of marriage. It is truly a fog we WS is in, an addiction, but I'm stopping it, and I'm a very weak insecure individual, if I can do this, any schmuck can.

VR,

you said..
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">However, he has suddenly turned into Mr. Wonderful..... Is it real, this instant change in him, does it wake you up that much, for a full about face???? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My personal experience and having been on MB for just over 2 years is that yes 9 times out of 10 the changes are there for good.

Keep in mind that most couples have a "honeymoon" period after DDay. The sex is great, the communication is great etc.

Everyones stages are different however sometimes around the 4-6 month mark the BS can have difficulty. Try to be ther for him.

The other day I posted to someone about the mental reactions, reactions. I'll try to find it and link you to it.

In short it said that finding out about a S's A can be so shocking that it can cause a mild form of PSSD. There are "uncontrollable" flashbacks that bring the emotions right back with them.

cwmac

PS Don't feel too bad about not telling S until you were on the verge of discovery. IMHO, it's still better for him that you told him instead of him suspecting and then you continually lieing.

<small>[ May 13, 2004, 01:21 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Two things. First, Pep, you are incorrigible! I don't know how to spell it, but I mean it. You crack me up. Revirgination . . .

And you, missy, must NOT downplay the forward steps you have taken to correct a wrong. AND, what's done is done is done. You cannot undo it. You solve nothing by continuously beating yourself over the head with your mistakes. We all make them, some larger than others.

It is understandable that this soon out you will be full of guilt and shame, but I encourage you to work on letting that go. Use what you have learned in positive ways - post here, help others, be a better wife and mother, be a happier you. Don't use all that energy for self abuse.

That is something my FWH has learned in counseling. Our society has an idea of "balancing the scales," that for certain crimes certain times are required for suffering. I just don't see the point in that. Do positive stuff instead! No scales need to be balanced. That is subjective, and can cause destructive cycles of communication and self-esteem.

Anyway, just some food for the brain. I am glad others mentioned including your H. That is important. Make sure you are making the choices for YOU, though, not just to make H happy. If they are YOUR decisions, they will stick like glue. That is my experience.

You rock, girlfriend! We are here for you.

SS

Very Regretful -

I saw your post and had to say Hello and Welcome to MB.

Please do not feel like the enemy. If you resolve yourself to the MB principles you will have a wonderful M.

It took guts to come here. I'm glad you did.

cwmac
I want to believe my H is sincere, I do believe it, he is putting so much faith in me, I must trust in him. I know I wouldn't have been wearing these shoes had he kicked it up a notch a year ago. Thank you for the link, that would be great. I think he is repressing everything, so I wouldn't doubt that in a few months it is hurtful again. Yeah, I told him. Ouch, that was tough. But I did it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Very regretful,
Give him the benefit of the doubt. What was his pre-A issue(s)? What were yours?

Remember my first post when I said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Having said that please understand that there are a diverse group of people on this board that are at various stages in the infidelity cycle. Those at the beginning are in general less tolerant. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In your posts you referenced how you felt your H ignored you and didn't meet certain needs. One item was...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know I wouldn't have been wearing these shoes had he kicked it up a notch a year ago. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really mean this in the nicest most non-confrontational way possible. Your statement above indicates that to a certain degree you blame your H for the affair. (Please forgive me if I'm misinterpreting) This is a rationalization of why you had the affair.

Both you and your H brought pre-A issues to the relationship that is true. Normally both people in the marriage are unhappy. The result was that you made the choice, a very bad one, to have an affair. Your H, who may have been just as unhappy, did not.

Their were other choices ie. marriage counseling, divorce and/or sitting down with H early in your A relationship to say, " honey, I'm so unhappy in this marriage because of __________ and I think you are , too. As a matter of fact I'm so unhappy that I have secretly been having lunch (or whatever) with Mr So & So. I'm turning to him for the _______ I don't get from you."

I point this out as 1) a MB recovery fact 2) to save you from getting some angry response from a BS who has just learned the truth (it's called getting 2x4'd) 3) to help you help your H heal.

cwmac <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />