cwmac,
I have just fired my therapist, you are hired. I absolutely try to justify my mistakes. I also usually realize it, and then can rationalize, but thank you for pointing it out to me. Really thank you. My H totally blames himself for my bad behavior, and I told him I want to be held accountable, it was my choice.

VR -

It sound like you are sincere in your regret. It is the first step in recovery. Take care of yourself, you can and will make your marriage work. I am happy to see you are out of the fog and willing to do a NC letter. Be very firm in your letter and tell the other man your feelings on the affair and the fantasy of it. Hopefully he will stop contacting him and if his BS is doing a good plan A he will realize what he is giving up. It was a classic A and he needs to see that you WANT it to end.

Take care of yourself and remember that God loves you even in the midst of your mistake. You have found a great place for support.

You are in the right place, vr! Welcome to Marriage Builders. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

VR,

I wish that I had as much insight when I first found this site as you do right now. It took a lot of 2x4's and intense pressure from the people here to get me to be honest about myself, the A and my M to my H.

You are in a great place right now, and with your attitude things look very promising!

Did you go or are you going through a period of withdrawl from OMM since you ended the A? From what you said you were sickened by the whole situation, and that is why you ended it. If there was or is no withdrawl or no need for "closure" of the A, that is such a plus because there is so much less of a chance of a setback in your recovery.

After D-Day I still maintained secret contact w/OMM for another six weeks, so of course it took that much longer for me to get my act together. Then when I finally established NC, I went through the worst withdrawls, I was miserable and resentful of my H. Hence, recovery didn't really start for us until almost 3 months after D-Day. What a complete waste of time!

VR, Please don't beat yourself up forever for the mistake you made. You sound like a really nice lady. Forgive yourself and allow your H time to forgive you as well.

mrsx

<small>[ May 13, 2004, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>

very regretful,
Welcome...it is good to hear the other side of the story. It also took a lot of courage to come here...could you give my H's OW a call? Ha! Ha!

One question...did you avoid the WH's W through the whole thing?

My H's OW will not talk to me for anything. I've spoken to her nicely the two brief conversations we have had, but other than that she will not talk to me at all. Is there any way to break through to her?

VR,

You said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have just fired my therapist, you are hired. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm on the job! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My H totally blames himself for my bad behavior, and I told him I want to be held accountable, it was my choice. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's one of the stages he'll go thru. Tell him that other male BSs have felt the same way. It's not his fault.

He'll show anger. He may also show indifference at one point, especially at that 4-8 month mark I mentioned previously.

He probably feels very lonely right now. Men tend to keep the the pain of the infidelity inside. They don't tell a soul. I believe that female BS tend to want to talk about it with at least on confidant. Try to get him to come here. He'll have feelings of humiliation and emasculation if others know.

BTW, I see you've met MrsX. I was going to introduce the two of you but I see I'm too late.

She said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It took a lot of 2x4's and intense pressure from the people here to get me to be honest about myself, the A and my M to my H.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a 2x4 that has an impression of her head right here next to my laptop!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Then again there are also my FWW friends, KiwiJ and Lisa103. All can help you if you need it but it doesn't sound as though you're having withdrawal.

Tell us more about H and specifically how he's doing.

cwmac

<small>[ May 14, 2004, 12:32 AM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

I hope you aren't the "enemy." I'm in the same boat as you, too. Keep your head up, I'm hoping my scarlet letter washes out someday.
Ksnatie

MrsX, I did go through withdrawls, and I absolutely wanted closer. My H was doing all the right things, he behaved exactly like Plan A is suppose to go. He is a very wise man, I stepped out of the fog almost immediatly, I guess I had been out of the fog before DDay. Like the articles say, it was more of a hinderance than a enjoyment at this time. I wanted my life back. Somebody said,or I read somewhere, that if you give the WS the option he will end the A with a Cruise. That cracked me up, because that is what my heart desired, closer, perfect closer. My H kept a close eye on me so it wasn't possible. My H has forgiven me, I don't feel he is truly dealing with the A, but I'm willing to help him through it in any way. IL him. It was such a big mistake. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I had a really good day yesterday, for the first time I started feeling a glimmer of hope for happiness. I have taken a few steps that I needed to take for myself so I can feel better about myself, and it worked. Praise God!!! I'm still so shamed to even use his name. I know God has forgiven me, but it is hard to come straight to him, I'm full of this sin, and so incredibly ashamed.

cwmac, great you have the job, now I will be needing your home phone and your address. J/K <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
My H, has told nobody, he feels it is vital to our recovery, he doesn't feel anybody will understand the A, they don't have the full story. I'm respecting his wishes, it is hard, nobody in my life knows, I have only one friend to talk to and she is just a sounding board. Although this has made it wonderful for my H and I, we are now having great conversations. He doesn't want to hear anything about it, or them, I say them because we was very close to the entire family. He has let me talk about them though recently, he feels safe now, he knows it is more about the family I miss, then about OM. I'm no longer having withdrawls, it is done for me, and I just want to repair the damage. My H is a very strong man, he is doing okay. He struggles day to day, we are completely honest with each other now. It has been hard for him because I have been in such a depression, he has been unsure, if it was because I missed OM, or the A, or I wanted to leave. I constantly reassured him, but was honest, I did miss the OM, but after withdrawls, I just missed the OM and his wife and family and what we all once had. She was BTW, my very BF. I have dealt with all the emotions of the A, and now I'm dealing with the depth of Betrayel on my part to her. It is crazy how selfish an A is. I've lost so much in her, for something that amounted to nothing. It was so not worth it!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> My H and I are doing some of the worksheets from MB this weekend. We are both looking forward to it. We are going to make it!!!

Hurt,
I would love to place a call to your OW, the tramp. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just a little WW humor. The OM S, was my very BF. I have had contact with her a couple of times since DDay. Is your H A still going on?? Maybe she can't face you because of that. IMO if she was any kind of person with any kind of feelings she would want to express some kind of regret, or maybe she is over come with guilt. I know the guilt of all the pain I have caused my BF is what has had me in a state of depression for the past 2 months.
If your H isn't willing to give an NC letter, his loyalties are still with her, and that is not good. I'm sending one out today, one addressed to her and one to him, so he knows now there is no more loyalty to him. I think it is very important for the recovery of the marriage. How good would it make you feel for him to send one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And mean it.

Hope
It was a text book A. Unfortunetly It sounds like the OM is still in the fog. I wrote a good NC letter, my H approved. This was great closer for him I feel. SO I highly recommend one. I can see the relief in him. I'm hoping it will lift the fog of the OM. A good Plan A works, my H did it, and didn't even realize it. Stick to Plan A everybody.

cwmac said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have a 2x4 that has an impression of her head right here next to my laptop!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> yea and my head still has the impression of the 2x4 as well! hehehe!

VR, this is a great place to be to help you with recovery, if it wasn't for MB I would probably still be having an A. Stay w/us and let me know if there is any way I can be of support~!

mrsx

mrsX, yeah you can help, take the 2x4 away from cwmac, I'm ducking, OUCH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I read your profile, it looks great, don't you wish you could delete the A, and Dday and all the stuff that went with???? I've been M 9 years, 2B's, and IL my H. I'm not head over heels, but IL him. I can't believe the OM S didn't find out you or your H didn't feel the need to tell?. I was BF with OM S, yeah that makes me double bad. I just apologized to her because if you aren't aware evidently it doesn't go over well having an A with your BF S, who knew. I'm not down playing it at all, I do feel like the worst person in the world for it. Humor is how I handle stress. My lack of self control really cost me where she is concerned, I can repare my marriage, but not the friendship, it is lost forever. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Welcome VeryRegretful,

I am glad you're here! It's SO encouraging to see some OW and WS with the intelligence and courage to end it the right way. I am also impressed at how understanding you are being of your BH's feelings and insecurities!

I wish the OW in my situation, and/or my WS, were more like you. I hope your WH realizes how lucky he is. Send him here for support. We'd love to help BOTH of you through this.

I can't believe it but I actually feel like giving an OW a hug LOL - that's a first! But it's easy when it's a FORMER OW with the decency and courage to do the right thing! You will NOT forever be a cheater - you aren't that anymore IMO.

<small>[ May 14, 2004, 08:41 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Very Regretful!

Now I'm really impressed!

In your response to Hurt, you said:

"How good would it make you feel for him to send one. And mean it." (regarding sending the no contact letter to OW)

THAT is what I'm holding out for! I will never again break Plan B prematurely, based on false promises from WH or EVEN because he might begrudgingly agree to do what he needs to do...

I WILL wait until he is SOOOO out of the fog, so disgusted by the adultery, so IN LOVE, MADLY in love with me again, that he voluntarily sends the OW the no contact letter.

THAT is what I REALLY want. I want him to want me so badly that he would gladly do whatever it takes to win me back. And until then he's lost me. I feel so happy right now. And if my WH is smart he will wise up really soon so he can keep this happy, beautiful person in his life!

<small>[ May 14, 2004, 08:58 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

meremortal I will take your hug and take it ASAP before you change your mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
You keep holding out for him to end it. I find all of you so STRONG, allowing it to go on, knowing you can't make it stop. I can't imagine being home living life, knowing my S is with another and I must tolerate it and control my emotions to lure him back. From this side though, that works. My H, didn't know about the A until I told him, but he did everything right after that point, he loved me like never before and improved himself for me. He supported me through my depression and withdrawl but not to a degrading level. I have the utmost respect for my H. I trust your plan will work for you. I know that if my OM S will do a good Plan A, with me putting in place the NC she will win him back. I'm so cheering for her. Keep in mind, I had a relationship with the S of the OM. I have so much love for her, so I was giving the A up for her as well. I just wish I could have put it all into perspective in the beginning. Have faith your plan will work. You all have a cheerleader in me. I'm so wanting you all to win!

VR -

You are truly an amazing person. An OW with this kind of attitude is the best to have. You seem to be wanting to make things right and I am very happy for you. Congratulations on making the right steps to make your marriage work. I hope you receive all the support you need.

<small>[ May 14, 2004, 09:51 AM: Message edited by: hope&faith ]</small>

Yeah I'm amazing. I'm doing things right now, but I did so much bad. I'm in C, she tells me I need to change my internal dialoge, I will feel what I'm thinking, yeah, I'm feeling it. Absolutely I'm trying to right my wrongs, but somethings are irrepairable. The steps I'm taking are helping both my H and I. So much damage to so many, it is hard to recover. I wish everybody on here could have a remorsful WS, I guess it has to run its course.

VR,
Now that I am officially your unofficial therapist. I wanted to let you know that the Dr is in today and has been working on your case. Just sitting here whittling away at a new 2x4 with the initials "VR" on it. Just in case! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sounds like I'll never need to use it but...

You said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H, has told nobody, he feels it is vital to our recovery, he doesn't feel anybody will understand the A, they don't have the full story. I'm respecting his wishes, it is hard, nobody in my life knows, I have only one friend to talk to and she is just a sounding board. Although this has made it wonderful for my H and I, we are now having great conversations. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I said most male BS do not want anyone to know including family. They do feel emasculated. Since they think like men (duh) they put the A into primarily a sexual connotation. If they told their best buddy, the buddy wouldn't understand that the A, whether EA or PA, was to the WW primarily for emotional reasons. They'd have the stereotypical ideas of, "oh, you couldn't take care of the little woman in the bedroom dept, huh."

Does your best friend know the whole truth? Does your H know that she knows? If so your friend may receive a bit of transference anger from your H.

For example, in my sitch, my W had a best friend who new of her relationship with OM. After DDay1 (truth on EA), I would occassionally talk to her just to see if Plan A was working with the wife. She'd say yes but ,"stop talking about the OM."

After DDay2 (truth about PA)I asked my W," did Friend know about the extent of the R and that it was an A?" Wife answered ,"yes." This made me even more upset that I had been given the condescending talk about "stop talking about OM "so later I confronted the Friend. Turns out she only thought they were "good friends."

I think W had been so nervous the night of DDay2 that she wasn't thinking straight.

The upshot is now the friend knows about the A when she really didn't need to. Well guess how I felt for months afterward when I saw the friend? I felt anger towards her. I'd always try to avoid her.

I can remember one instance at a party. I turned a corner and their she was. She was smiling being her typical friendly self. I'll never forget the feelings of humiliation and shame. They flooded over my mind & body in waves. I nearly started to cry. I just walked away. I'm sure she thought," what's wrong with him." It was such a trigger. I got so upset that I had some flashbacks of the "affair video." of course W couldn't understand and was angry at me. We, BSs, know the feelings while FWS, friends & family really have no clue!

Because FWSs can't relate to the feelings I would suggest that your H come to MB at least a few times. Maybe he'll like it maybe he won't. The best thing to me about MB is that as a male BS I know I'm not alone. I have a world where I can talk about the A and how I feel. If I had had to keep all of my questions, comments & vents to my self, I'm sure I would have gone "over the edge."

Stuffing it down indide doesn't work either. In most cases that's the pre-A issue that FWW used as rationalization for the A in the first place.

Just MHO.

cwmac <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

cwmac, Step away from the board. Should I be lying down for this session??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We have S issues, one being the H is impossible to Fullfill. So he is typical male, it was S A. Nope it was all about emotional fullfillent. It isn't my BF that I talk to, she would now be my FBF because it was her H that was my OM. The one I have to talk to is, our Pastors wife. We aren't extremely close, but she is reaching out to me. She knows everything, we was both apart of the church. My H wants to see nobody who knows. You are right on with this. I could rationalize you to pulling out the 2x4, but I won't, because I know better, it was my choice, a really bad choice. We are going to dinner tonight with friends, our first outing. I'm very nervous, I'm not sure how he will react to things, I haven't laughed or been myself at all. It is a depression due to the terrible way I feel about myself, not sadness because I miss the OM. It is also hard going out because we was always with them, the OM and his W, my BF. It was always awesome, the best of times, I so miss them as a couple, I miss them bad. I would love for my H to come on and chat, it will never happen, he just isn't that type of man. He did however say he would like to go to C to help him deal. I'm going to tell him, I think this is better than C, this has helped me more than my Therapist has.