Hi, I'm pretty new here, but I did post in Plan A/Plan B" last week:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=30;t=002427An update...
Sunday, H agreed to come to lunch with me. He told me he had P relations w/OW the previous night "for the first time". He went into great detail, and I was heartbroken at first, and then a part of me felt good that he was being honest and open with me, as this was something missing from our marriage for a while. Then again, maybe he only told me to hurt me. Later on, he became very kind, affectionate, and loving towards me, even expressing a desire to be intimate. Although we had been intimate on and off (as he permitted) during our entire separation until he started seeing OW, I said NO!
We've been separated since Oct, and he filed for D in Feb, so he thinks this is NOT an A! He thinks "it's normal" and "what people do". Basically, he feels that he moved on, but did not have an affair and was not unfaithful to me. Of course, I see it differently. Without the acknowledgment of what he has done, he doesn't have remorse. He did say he is sorry that this has hurt me, but that he doesn't feel he did anything wrong. He said many times that he loves me and that I am the most amazing, wonderful woman he knows....but that he isn't in love with me.
I asked H to end the A, and he said no- not now. H asked me to allow him to have this relationship-for now- because it's what he needs to do for himself. He talked a lot about how wrong she was for him for anything long-term, and promised me it wouldn't last more than a year (on the far end), and said he would agree to NC whenever it was done and would be ready to work on our marriage. Sounded to me like he wanted to play both sides.
That afternoon, H spent hours at my house and we talked so openly like we hadn't in a very long time. It was terrific, and I felt like my best friend had come back. I shared my feelings and level of commitment to our marriage with him, and said that as long as he was going to continue to see OW, I wanted NC with him, but that I would like for him to tell me when it's over so we can work on saving our marriage.
On Sun night, he called me to tell me that he was upset because OW spent time (more than just "time") with her ex-fiance. He was jealous and told me he was going to end it. I was very loving and supportive, although coudn't understand why he was telling me these things. He said it was because I'm his best friend and the only one he wants to talk to. Later that night (at 2 am, actually), H called me and asked me to come over for sex. Again, I said no, and told him that I am not going to be THAT kind of person.
Yesterday, he hugged me when we saw each other, but no kissing. He said he was a little angry with me (I did LB a bit that day, so....)
Today, he says OW called him during the night and he told her it's over. I'm not sure I believe him. We met for lunch today, and no affection at all! However, he did act very nice and said he was glad to spend time with me. He also told me that he was sorry (repeatedly) for calling me last Sun night and asking for sex and that he appreciated me being there for him and taking the time to talk to him. H agreed to go to MC with me next week, and said that he wants our marriage to work "on some level". How can I know if it's really over? He won't let me ask more than once or get specific in my questions, because he gets very angry, saying I am interrogating him. He really doesn't have any remorse or understanding of my feelings.
Big question I want to ask is this:
Do you guys see this situation as H having an A or is he right in that since we have been separated for 8 months and a divorce is pending, he just "moved on" and that makes it ok. I thought you're either married or you're not.
What to do from here?
mom2samnalex2002
