chris, i'm sorry i am calling you out like this but i don't know what to do. it's probably not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but still <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

as of yesterday you know that i was going to send my H a letter in response to the letter he sent me and then i was going to call him. well of course i hadn't sent the letter yet was going to do that today. but of course my H called me. i knew it was him too and i still answered the phone. i just thought maybe i could use this time to ask him to talk to SH again. but i thought i could do this w/out talking about the letter.

he called and i answered and said since he hadn't talked to him that he thought i was mad at him. that he had wrote me a letter. i asked him when he sent it and he said saturday. i said that i've been house sitting for some friends since last week (which i have) and hadn't gotten any of the mail. he said that i just should know that the letter was written in love and that he hoped i wouldn't hate him. i said i would get the mail tonight. he said to just read it and that he would understand if i needed to be angry.

i don't really remember the conversation exactly and in what order things were said but he asked how i was doing and per SH i said that i wasn't doing well but that tomorrow was another day. i asked him how he was liking his time off (from school) he said that he didn't really have a lot of time off because of work but it was nice to be able to sleep in and not have to go to school and to work. he said that he hoped i would be okay. i said again per SH that i wasn't w/my H but that tomorrow was another day. my H said that i've always been a strong and independent woman and that i needed to be okay. i said that i agreed w/that to a certain extent. i said that i had talked to my counselor recently and he said that he would like to talk to him (WH) again and asked if he would do that. he said okay but wanted to know what he would ask me. i told him that i wasn't sure that it was probably to gather some more information and it was more of a follow-up to their other conversation. i also said that SH didn't really tell me what they talk about and doesn't tell me what he will ask (both of which are true to a certain extent) that was not the purpose of him talking to him. he said okay and if it was for me he would do that (talk to SH).

i asked him what would be a good time for him and he said probably sunday or monday since he had monday off and it wouldn't matter what time. i asked him what his schedule was (hoping maybe i could get him an appt tomorrow) and what time he had to leave for work in the morning because they did have early appt starting at 0600. he said he worked everyday and that's why monday would be better because it wouldn't matter what time. i said that i would call him and let him know what time i got for him.

my H said to just get the mail and read the letter. i said that i wasn't sure if i could because the mail was on hold and maybe by the time i got there i wouldn't be able to get it. he said that he fed exed it so it was probably on my doorstep. that he didn't want me to hate him in my attempt to not use "what" questions per SH i said that if i could say that would never happen how would that make him feel or if it would change things? he said he thought maybe i didn't hate him now but thought that i could start to feel that way down the road but that he just didn't feel that way anymore (in love w/me i assumed). i said that i understood that and that i really did get that. i said i would call him w/the time for his appt and talk to him later and he told me to have a good day.

so of course, i know i shouldn't have lied but again i just had a course of action in my mind and when he called he just threw a wrench into that and i didn't know if i should get into the lettter over the phone when i could use the opportunity to get him to agree to talk to SH again. i called MB and they didn't have any appts today or tomorrow the first one they had was monday at 0800. so i took that for my H and i have one the next day.

i asked the lady if SH ever responds to questions via email and she said that he didn't but that if i had just a 5 minute question that the best thing to do is to leave a voice message for SH and then he would try to call back but wasn't sure when because he did already have a schedule today and other calls but if i didn't hear from him by the end of the day that i could leave another VM tomorrow. she said that she would also send him an email about it. so here i sit wondering if i just didn't screw things up and why i keep doing what i'm doing (lying). but then i remember that i'm dealing w/human behavior and i'm trying to get someone to do something there are not interested in doing. it's a marketing tool about getting them motivated.

i called my H and told him his appt time, the number to call, and the instructions, and asked if i needed to call and remind him. he said that he did it the last time and to believe it or not that he is being more responsible. i just said that wasn't hard to believe and that i would talk to him later.

okay so now what do i do, now he knows that i will be reading it tonight?
do i send the letter anyway? even though he has an appt on monday to talk to SH?
do i call him tomorrow?
do i wait to talk to SH next tuesday before i do anything?
hopefully SH will get back to me today. my first reaction is just not to do anything until after i talk to SH on tuesday. Of course after i finish typing this i am going to say a prayer. do you think God will accept my lying in this situation? i don't think he will and i'm just going to reap more of what i sow. i just need to try harder to stop doing that. although that's why i've tried SH to be specific w/me about what i need to do. anyway, thanks for reading and the comments, prayers to you.

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 10:24 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

I know the world is spinning into pandemonium <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> right now, but…
All of this is actually very simple stuff to do. The outcome may not be what you want but you can only really control you and your own actions. So take care of what you CAN control.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you regardless of ANYTHING they do unto you.

Well, as you know, lying is not a good thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> You gotta lie more to cover up the previous lie. And then you get confused about what you said previously. (This is how I found out about my ex. She lied about a t-shirt she had and I asked her a few weeks later and it was a different story. Oops!)

However, I don’t think what you did is gonna make anything better/worse.
Steve’s is more interested in getting a spouse to do actions as opposed to reacting, so I don’t think he’ll “spill the beans” about letter. If it comes up with h just tell him you read it and you are soaking it in.

If Steve suggested you send a response to his letter, then go ahead & do it. You are not trying to “manipulate” the situation, just to get you point & feelings across in an honest and non-spiteful way.

do i send the letter anyway? even though he has an appt on monday to talk to SH?
Yeah, why not?

do i call him tomorrow?
Nah.

do i wait to talk to SH next tuesday before i do anything?
I wouldn’t worry about it. Nothing has really changed except you talked with h. That is something that is gonna happen. Go slow, take it easy and THINK before you speak.

do you think God will accept my lying in this situation? i don't think he will and i'm just going to reap more of what i sow.
Listen. You h is out of the house right now. How much “worse” can it get?
Stop & think about what you say BEFORE you say it. If you cannot think of what to say, simply reply, “I’ll have to think about that for a bit”.

i'm just so upset w/myself. i know it's wrong and i know what i'm going to say before i say it and i still say it. i know that my intentions are good but i'm just not relying on God and i'm just sick about that now.

should i just avoid my H's calls all together? i'm just so afraid of saying anything that might jeopardize what my goal is and i know that and i still let satan use me. why am i letting that happen? i keep praying for God to let me make things right in my M (being the W i should) and then what do i do?

i have just go to have it pounded into my head over and over again and if nothing else just tell my H that i can't talk right now. i'm just not feeling very deserving right now. i have learned so much these months and yet i haven't either evidently.

i will compose a letter and post it here, it's not going to say a whole lot. well i have to get off this blame computer and pray like i said i was. thanks chris.

chris, here is the latest:

well i don't know why i am still amazed at what God can do but i am. i was finishing up some posts, etc. and guess who called? SH, he told me that i should still send the letter tomorrow and that i should call him (SH) tomorrow and leave a message that i got a letter from my H that way if the subject comes up on monday w/my H in their session then he (SH)doesn't have to lie about the letter. so that's what i'm going to do. glad i was being slow about leaving work.

of course you were right on the money but i guess i still feel that things can get a lot worse <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
but in time i know that all things work together for those who love the Lord. i just need to get better at following my own advice and follow my words w/actions and rely more on God. Thanks again chris and have a good night. prayers to you, RR

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Chris, here is the letter that i will be sending my H tomorrow (i don't want him to get it before he talkes to SH on monday).

Dear WH,
I received and read your letter. Let's move forward together. After all we have come to realize about what we did wrong, imagine what we can do in the future. We are so much more educated as to what didn't work and we paid dearly to learn that lesson.

As difficult and as painful as it is, I get that you don't love me or that you're not in love with me. These feelings can be turned around, if you doubt that then talk to someone who knows how it's down or has been there. I believe there's an alternative that we haven't looked into yet that we can be happy together.

you are my life-long choice, roughroad


how's that? i'll probably just get another smiley face from you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> and it's more than welcomed. have you noticed that more and more people are calling out to you? do you ever just smile or laugh at what we post like we do at what you post? i know, i'm just being silly. prayers to you.

RR,

Good Luck! You keep on with Chris. He knows. He has helped me many times in the past getting back on track. Prayers for you and your family.

HINY

thanks HINY and right back at you on all counts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

RR, it is a good letter, simple and to the point. I got your e-mail, thank you for the information about the radio station, I will look for it in my area.

I was ok this morning, but now the bad feeling is creeping into me and poisoning me. My hands are cold and I am shaking. It is 80 degrees here, but I feel like it is 50.

As difficult and as painful as it is, I get that you don't love me or that you're not in love with me.
Doyou really “get it” that he doesn't love you?
Unless you’ve been there, you can’t. Just as he cannot “get” where you are because of his affair.

Make this less ?
Something like, "I know feelings can change but that does not mean we cannot get aback into someplace good with them. And by paying more attention to the others feelings and needs, we can really do this.

These feelings can be turned around, if you doubt that then talk to someone who knows how it's down or has been there.
Make it more “I really think these feelings can be turned around.” (use your own words though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )
By telling him things “can be turned around”, is the same as telling him he’s wrong if he doesn’t think that way. And you are trying to win him over by letting him choose rather than demanding he see it your way.

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 11:57 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

chris, i'm not really good w/inserting quotes and using all the computer stuff but will try to do my best.

when i say i get it, i really do because i've "learned" or read that when people are in an A that they truly believe that's the way the feel. so i do believe that my H doesn't feel he loves me anymore and that's because he is in an addiction, in a fog, abducted by aliens, or whatever you want to call it. does that make sense?

thanks for replying and will use what you wrote in writing my letter. what i said was based on what me and SH talked about. i guess some day i'll need to think for myself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> but anyway, until then i'll use God, SH, and you to help me write a letter. i won't be able to post again until after i send it but will post the final copy of it monday for what it's worth.

i guess i'm writing a rhetorical question because i know what the answer is but did you read what i wrote about the air force in another post of mine? i know you did <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> anyway, thanks again and have a good weekend, prayers to you.

chris, i know you're here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . i saw your post on the weight loss and i think you take the cake. thought i would let you know what the final letter looked like (for what it's worth).

Dear WH,
I received and read your letter. Let's move forward together. After all we have come to realize, imagine what we can do in the future. We are so much more educated about what is needed and what didn't work and we paid dearly to learn those lessons.

As difficult and painful as it is, i understand that you feel you are not in love with me. i know feelings change and really think these feelings can be turned around. we can do this together. i believe that there is an alternative that we haven't looked into yet that we can be happy together.

you are my life long choice, roughroad


i put it in the mail on saturday, he should get it by thursday. as far as i know my H talked to SH this morning because SH didn't call me for me to use the session for myself. i have a session of my own tomorrow and it might be the last. i can't afford it anymore and still try to drag my feet w/the house and the M, etc. hope you had a good weekend and prayers to you.

Simply lovely letter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

i have a session of my own tomorrow and it might be the last.
Remember those “training wheels”? They’re off now. You can do this.
You’re gonna scrape your knee once in a while. Get up and think about how you crashed and don’t let it happen again.

thanks and YEP! i put a post-it right on my computer in front of my face that says
"do what's right!!!
WWJD?

starting to get up "faster" and try to avoid the huge caverns (what my H does or doesn't do) in this "roughroad."

God Bless, RR

the computer was being so slow <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> so i hit reply twice.

<small>[ May 24, 2004, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>