I’ve been lurking around on the MB website and discussion forum for a couple of weeks, and I’d like to share my story and get some feedback and advice from those of you with more experience.

My H and I dated for 1 year, lived together for 5 years, and have been married for 4 years—he’s 41 and I’m 33—we don’t have any kids. The A began this year during the first couple of weeks of March—the OW is a coworker whom he has known for a couple of years and I have met several times. I knew almost immediately that something was wrong—he has always held his cards close to his vest, but he became completely withdrawn and unable to show any affection whatsoever (never his strength in the first place). During those first few weeks we had some painful discussions (that I initiated) in which he revealed that he felt “stagnant” in our relationship and felt like he didn’t love me or care for me like I did for him or like he ought, although he has continued to maintain that he loves me on some level. During these discussions he never revealed anything about the A, and although the thought crossed my mind, I really trusted him too much and didn’t want to wrongly accuse him of it by asking.

Then on April 16 I got an anonymous letter from someone he works with, telling me he was “messing around” on me, and the OW’s name. When I confronted him that evening, he confirmed that they had been having a strong EA, and there had been some kissing, but he insisted and continues to insist that they have not had sex. In the endless discussions that followed he has made it clear that he cares very much for her and is very strongly attracted to her, but that he does not want to leave our marriage at this time, although he refuses to remove the threat completely. He says he is still physically attracted to me and enjoys being with me, as long as it’s on his own terms (which in the last couple of months has been hardly at all). However, he says he feels like he has fallen out of love with me, “can’t” show affection for me if he doesn’t feel affectionate, and hates that he talks to me in that harsh tone of voice that his father always used. (The harsh talking has been an issue between us for a long time—he feels like he can’t control it and since I’m the only one he talks to that way, he seems to think if he leaves me the problem will be solved.) He has said repeatedly that he doesn’t want to hurt me (too late!). So, I have asked him for the sake of argument whether he would feel relieved if I left him—so he wouldn’t feel guilty about being the one to leave me and hurting me further—but he says no, he still wonders whether there may be something salvageable in our relationship and needs some undetermined amount of time to think about it.

At this point, I know he is still seeing the OW. At the very least, he sees her at work. In a moment of panic when I learned he had still been seeing her about 3 weeks ago, I demanded that he either stop communicating with her outside of work for as long as he and I live together, or pack a bag tonight. Reluctantly and under duress, he agreed to my demands, but I don’t believe for a minute that it’s happening. I haven’t asked him lately what the status between them is because that’s a big, fat LB, and he tries to keep it as secret as before I knew about it—I can only hope that it hasn’t advanced into a sexual relationship.

Since even before D-day, when we were having those painful discussions, I have been receiving scriptures from God—sometimes I have just turned to the Bible randomly, and sometimes they are some odd reference that I hear at church or read about, but in each case they have spoken directly to my situation, and always in a timely manner according to how I’m feeling that day. There are dozens, but some of the more notable ones are:

Psalm 37:1-9 – “Do not fret because of evil men, or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn away from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.”

Hosea 12:6 – “So you, by the help of your God, return. Observe mercy and justice, and wait on your God continually.”

Isaiah 40:31 – “But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”

I have also been spending a lot of time in the last couple of months reading and trying to understand more about relationships and infidelity. I stumbled across the MB website a couple of weeks ago, and of all the things I have read, Plan A/Plan B is the most consistent with the scriptures that God has led me to. For the first month or so after D-day, I gave my H all the possible reactions—inconsolable crying, tantrums, begging and pleading, reasoned arguments, angry demands, pouting. The thing is, I didn’t like myself while I was doing any of that stuff. I’ve been implementing Plan A, albeit imperfectly, since I first read about it and over the last week or two I’ve been continuing to read through the discussion forum, and I have gotten better and better at it. I like myself much better on Plan A than I did before.

I believe that, whether this marriage survives or not, God can use this time to develop a more Christ-like character in me. Galatians 5:22-23 says, “When the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” There’s nothing in that list about angry demands or standing up for my rights. I know that I have a long way to go in developing some of those fruits of the spirit, and I believe that when God has used this situation to its fullest in my character development, he will open the door to either Plan B or a recommitted relationship with my H. So I may as well get busy and start cooperating with God.

When my H and I moved to this state, we came here for his job. It’s a very rural state and my career is a very specialized one, so since we have moved here I have only been able to find contract and temporary work, low-paying and no benefits. We rely on my H’s job to pay the mortgage, as well as for health insurance and just about everything else. Therefore, I’m not really able to move out on my own until I can find a permanent job, and it would have to be in another state. Even if I could afford a small rent right now, when my current contract ends in a few months, I have no assurance of a continued paycheck. Therefore, the question of when to move from Plan A to Plan B is in God’s hands. I’ve been applying for jobs in the state where my family lives, and when and if I am offered one I plan to tell my H that I would like for him to come with me if he’s willing to commit to a plan to rebuild our relationship, but otherwise I will go alone.

One thing I am conflicted about is marriage counseling. First of all, we are not rich people, and I am trying to save every penny for Plan B if it comes to that, so if I/we go to a marriage counselor it needs to be a well-considered decision. For a while, I was definitely depressed, but since I have developed a concrete plan, and I feel like it’s in line with God’s plan, I feel a lot better, so I’m wondering whether the support from a couple of mentor/friends that I have confided in, in combination with the support from this discussion forum, might not be enough for me personally. I know my H could use some counseling in his confusion (and he has said that he will go with me if I need to go for my depression)—if he were committed to rebuilding this relationship, I think joint counseling would definitely be in order, but I don’t think he would be very receptive to advice as long as he is in this affair fog. What I’m really worried about is reopening all those bad emotions that we have already expressed to each other anyway, and turning the whole thing into a LB.

I’m also concerned about meeting his ENs. We filled out the EN questionnaire a week or two ago. The gist of his EN questionnaire was that there was pretty much nothing more that he needed from me. He wasn’t able to tell me anything that I could do better for him, except maybe wipe the crumbs off the counter more often (!). I took this to mean that there is nothing that he wants from me right now, but I know there have to be unmet ENs in our relationship, he just can’t tell me what they are. In his ranking of his top 5 ENs, affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, and recreational companionship were his top 4, but he’s not accepting any of that stuff from me right now. Domestic support was number 5—I’ve never been a great housekeeper, but I never knew it was that important to him, and I can and am doing better there. So, should I not worry about the other ENs, and just concentrate on keeping the LBs out? Or should I try to be assertive on the ENs and risk pushing him further away?

Thanks for lending an ear—just writing this letter has been a help to me.

Marty, I would suggest doing everything in your power to end the affair. The longer this goes on, the closer they become. And the longer the affair, the longer the recovery will take. I see lots of opportunities in your situation!

Staying silent about the affair is NOT an aspect of Plan A. Plan A does not mean protecting the WS from unpleasant consequences of the affair. It does not mean sitting by silently. Of course the WS doesn't like to be confronted about his affair, but that doesn't mean you don't do it. They must be confronted at every turn.

The second most important step in ending the affair is EXPOSURE. Exposure makes the affair very very uncomfortable and hastens its end. It brings huge conflict into the affair. If you don't expose, you are simply helping them keep their dirty secret. I would suggest making a list of all pertinent people, i.e. your family, his family, the OW family, her boss, your friends and call them all in ONE DAY in order of priority. Get it all over in one fell swoop, rather than drag it out. Much better to deal with one big LB, than several dribbled out over weeks.

Additionally, in Plan B it is the WS who leaves the home, not the BS. So if you do have to go to Plan B, he should be the one to leave. And before you take that step, you would probably want to see an attorney to make arrangements for financial support.

Sorry you are here, Marty, but you are in the right place. Welcome! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So see, there are lots of things you can be working on to help end this affair

Is the OW married?

You are doing very well and strong. You get so much strength from GOD.

Like others suggested to you, exposure is the first. If someone sent you the letter, it means that it is not a 100% secret anymore. Why don't you go to his work and rock the boat. I know that it requires a lot of courage. GOD will bless you.

marty -

You will get excellent advice here. Listen to melody and lostnhurt.

Many of us are going through the same thing right now. I've been doing it since I tossed out my WH in July. I didn't find MB in time, so did everything wrong.

I will find an old post about flying by the instrument panel for you. Be back soon.

You can see the instrument panel where I posted it in this forum. Hang with us and we will help you.

Believer, you are still here? When will you leave? Will you be flying or driving. Have a safe trip and lots of fun.

Sorry for the thread jack,, Marty.

Melody, the OW is married. Her H did not get a letter like I did, but she told him about the A a couple of days later because she didn't want him to get one. They live about an hour outside of town (I told you this is a very rural state), but a couple of weeks ago he asked her to leave home until they can get some things sorted out. Since that time she has been staying in town with her mother-in-law (!), and as far as I know she still is, but now she is even more accessible to my H!

Do you guys really, really think I should expose the affair?! When I did tell a couple of my mentor/friends a few weeks ago, my H was OK with my telling them about the situation so they could support me, but he was really angry that I told them the OW's name. I feel like the last thing I can afford is a big, huge LB. I'm just so unsure about it. Also, I do kind of want to tell some key people, like his boss, but I really don't want to tell my family. Won't that just embarrass him and make him not want to continue to be a part of my family?

Marty, you can't afford to NOT expose the affair. Of course it will embarrass him, he should be embarrassed. That is a consequence of the affair that you should NOT protect him from. And be sure and tell the OW's name to everyone you tell. It is not your job to help keep her dirty secret.

Helping him hide the affair only ENABLES it and that is what you CANNOT AFFORD. Your job is to do everything to END THE AFFAIR, Marty. You don't have a marriage unless this affair ends.

I am also curious how you know all this about the OW's situation? Did you hear it from her H's lips? IT might be a complete lie.

Either way, I would contact him immediately and get his input and find out if he wants to save his marriage. It would be helpful if he would use Marriage Builders principles becuase it would put pressure on the affair from that end.

Since that time she has been staying in town with her mother-in-law (!), and as far as I know she still is, but now she is even more accessible to my H!
And that will eventually be their downfall. When the affair is not exposed and they have to find time to be together, everything is great. Life does not get in their way & they don’t have to deal with reality. Once they are “together” they get to see each other as they really are.

Do you guys really, really think I should expose the affair?
Absolutely, positively yes!

When I did tell a couple of my mentor/friends a few weeks ago, my H was OK with my telling them about the situation so they could support me
Of course. He would not get into “trouble” as no one knew who he was with.

I feel like the last thing I can afford is a big, huge LB
??? So it’s better the affair continues?
Just because something is a LB does not mean you will not do it. Also, you have to do it in the correct way. You are doing it to end the affair. This is what you will tell people. You do not tell them he is lying, cheating scumbag (even if this is what you think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

Also, I do kind of want to tell some key people, like his boss, but I really don't want to tell my family. Won't that just embarrass him and make him not want to continue to be a part of my family?
What makes you think he wants to continue NOW as part of your family?
Your marriage will NOT get better until the affair is over. It will only get worse. Period.

Have you read, "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley?
Read the links below.

Marty - Everyone is afraid to expose. But it is absolutely necessary. And yes, he will be mad, they all are. But by keeping the A a dark secret, you are letting it continue longer.

And I would contact OW's H. They all say they have told the truth to spouse, but often they do not, or at least don't admit the extent of the betrayal.

Lostnhurt - Yep, still here. I'm leaving at 11:00AM. Please continue to encourage Marty while I'm gone. I will check in, but will be busy.

Exposure does not mean broadcasting. Telling key people like his boss, his family members are good. I totally understand your concern, I did not tell my family members except one sister. I don't when to open this can of worms. He was visiting my parents and brother with me. But I did tell all his family mebers and some of his friends.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by marty25:
<strong> Melody, the OW is married. Her H did not get a letter like I did, but she told him about the A a couple of days later because she didn't want him to get one. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How would this prevent OWH from getting a letter? If the letters were sent "anonymously" how would the "anonymous" person know? And you do understand that its doubtful that her H ever got the full story, IF AT ALL. The OW is not likely to bust herself and is certainly not a trustworthy person.

So Marty, the OW, who is cheating on her H, is being HOSTED by same cuckolded man's MOTHER?? His own mother is providing a safe haven from which she can conduct an affair on her OWN SON? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, somehow, this does not add up.

I know, it seems odd to me too. All of my information has come through my H, supposedly from her. You know, I never really thought about contacting the OWH, but I really don't see why I shouldn't do that immediately. I also am really leaning toward calling both the WH and the OW's bosses, plus the person whom I suspect of sending me the anonymous letter. I know all of them personally and I know they would be very supportive and I think they would help me to expose the affair and to put on the pressure. I'm still not sure about our families, though, particularly mine. Thanks so much to all of you for your support. I'm understanding the importance of exposing, but still scared to do it.

First off, let me preface this by saying I've never exposed an A, so my advice is probably worth about what you've paid for it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

People frequently post that exposure is a LB. Just because it's not happy news doesn't make it a LB.

Exposure should be done from a foundation of love for the S and concern for the M, and not full of LBs. There's a world of difference between "My H is involved in an A with OP; I love my H and want my M to be repaired and strong; please do what you can to help the healing of my M" and "My H is a no-good rotten liar and a cheat, and if he doesn't leave OW I'll make sure I take him for every cent he's worth."

Exposure is independent behavior, to be sure, but it can be done with out Disrespectful Judgments and Demands.

All of my information has come through my H, supposedly from her.
And you "believe" your husband (the one having an affair) because?

<small>[ May 25, 2004, 02:34 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Well, now I’ve done it. I called OWH. He already knew about the A, and it was true that OW is staying at his mother’s house in town during the week because he wants to be separate from her. He said that he told OW that she needs to either quit her job (where WH also works), or get a divorce, but since she seems to not want to leave the marriage he has given her time to think about it. Well, within a half hour of that conversation WH was home (I work at home) confronting me about it. Apparently OWH called OW and told her she needs to give him a decision about whether she’s going to stay in their marriage tonight (this is not something OWH and I talked about, and I did not encourage him to do it, or know that he was going to). OW called WH, upset at me, and he stormed home and accused me of trying to punish him and OW. Of course I tried to just listen and assure him of my love and that I was not trying to punish anyone, but that the A is not OK with me. The conversation basically ended with him literally sobbing and saying that he “loves her very much” and he doesn’t think things will ever work out in our marriage and then he went back to work. So now I have made him feel sorry for her and angry with me and I definitely feel like I’ve taken a step backward.

But it doesn’t end there. After I hung up with OWH I called WH’s boss. He said he had heard rumors about the A, expressed his support for what I am trying to do, and said he would talk to both WH and OW. Well, WH doesn’t know yet that I have done this, and now I am just dreading him finding out because I have already created such bad feeling. I am absolutely not sure that I am doing the right thing here.

You did a great job. Just pray now and calm yourself. Wh will be very angry. You can not controll him, but you can control yourself. Just be calm.

Difficult yes, but essential.
He WILL be ticked off.
Whatever happens, do NOT, under any circumstances let him yank your chain and get you going. Simply acknowledge what he has to say and that you did it because you want to save your marriage. No need to explain a whole lot or get into it. It will do no good.
Don't cry or scream at him. Remain calm the entire time he is there.
He'll probably say a bunch of hurtful things, so be prepared.
After he leaves, feel free to cry and scream all you want. Come back & give us a dose if you need to.

Remember, the truth is not what hurt the marriage. It was the actions which were hidden by the lies that hurt the marriage.

<small>[ May 25, 2004, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>