i start IC on thurs. for the past 24 hrs i have been trying to figure out exactly what to focus on in IC. i guess i was thinking i needed to take the lead in directing the focus.

part of me continues to think i should take the lead in directing the focus but then part of me thinks i should just tell her everything that has occured, let her ask questions and let her direct it all.

i see 2 ways this can go.

1) focus on why i had the affair, why i continued so long, why it was so hard to break away from it(on the phone i said something about it feeling like an addiction and she said, that is a very strong word, i get impression she does not view affairs as potentially an addiction) why i contacted him once after d-day and why i still feel a (although ever so slight) pull to have further contact.

2) focus on strengthening healthier habits that i have been recently trying to form in regards to how i treat my H and how i respond and communicate with him, with the emphsis on CONSISTENT behavior and stable emotions. and perhaps throw in there how to form healthier habits in regards to how i treat myself.

i tend to want to focus on #2 more than #1 because right now i feel like i have managed to overcome #1. however, if i am totally honest with myself, i'm not so sure i should feel very comfortable about with that stmt. i believe part of what kept me going in the A was an unconcious (or maybe concious?) intention of sabatoging myself and the M. If I am honest with myself i would remind myself how many times i have sabatoged my "getting in shape" efforts by eating until i felt sick. I would even force myself to think back about how, as a kid, i used to inflict pain on myself, for instance, by scratching my wrists until they would start to bleed. and how i have even done that to a small extent as an adult and how i have dug my nails somewhere on my body so hard that the physical pain would relieve the emotional pain. (this is really hard to type!!!)

but it sure would be wonderful to be free of all that junk!!! and maybe this is the only way...

(i am sure I am going to wish i can edit this post later, to take some of this stuff out!!!! but you guys have all been so wonderful so far i am going to leave it all exactly as is)

it has taken me over an hour to hit Add New Topic

FL -

I understand your hesitency, but you are safe with us. We all have things that are deep and dark, and your willingness to bring those to the surface to try and help yourself shows me what a courageous person you are. Courage is not an absense of fear - rather, it is being brave in the face of your fear.

I hesitate to give advice on what you should talk to your IC about. I think you truly know the answer. Perhaps I can help you to find that answer within yourself.

I believe that your physical pain issues, scratching and digging in the nails, is a key to why you do other things in your life.

For example, today in MC. The reason I try and "control" my H, my life in general, is because at a young age my mother became very sick with a mysterious illness, and she is now 53 years old and has lived in a nursing home for 10 years. She has 100% dementia, brain damage, and most of the time now asks me if I am her nurse when I visit her. I believe that the pain I experienced from losing her in my life, caused me to "control" my H right out of my life! I was trying to control feeling pain. Any kind of pain. Which is why I have had substance abuse issues, too. Numbing the pain I didn't want to feel.

Inadvertantly, I think I had a hand in creating my worst fear. Of course, only now, on the other side, is that clear. Simply having someone not involved with me, listening to my story, has helped tremendously with me having these insights into myself.

Today, the MC said, "Don't you want to know who your H is? What he wants to do, the choices he wants to make? If he cheats on you again, then you will feel the pain. You will know he is not the one for you." Hm. Interesting. True. Cheating is H's decision alone to make. I am not his mother. He knows now how badly it hurt me. If he chooses into that again, I will know that our belief systems do not match up, he is indeed not the match for me. That is my choice to make.

I believe that when we truly seek answers, we find them. It might take longer than we think, or be faster than we think, and the answers might not look anything like what we thought we were looking for! I know mine don't. BUT, when you are coming from a space of seeking and healing and growing and learning, you will succeed.

I know you will. You are awesome.

TONS of love and support and HUGS to you!

SS

i think it is mostly about control and human behavior and that's why counseling can help so much. i had to be in control so much in my M and my life that when i didn't feel i could control things (my weight) i just ignored and just told myself i would change some day. i concentrated on other things or let them concentrate on me and i let that spill over into everything in my life.

i wish you the best and prayers to you. i don't have a lot of time to type. i just spent an hour typing up my latest session w/SH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> but anyway, know that God is the best counselor of all, he's always available, and free. God Bless, RR

FL,
You probably have already done this, but the first thing is to pray that God will speak wisdom to your heart as you go through IC. I think in your situation, a Christian counselor would be best. But God can teach you through any medium.

The path you take, I believe should focus on the present and future. I am sure the past will be a part of the healing, but from what I have read focusing on the past will not produce the results you need. In my heart, and this goes for my W also, you need to forgive yourself first by recognizing that God has forgiven you. Your posts tell me that you are very hard on yourself.
My W thinks that most people look down upon her and that they don't accept her the way she is. She puts herself down alot. However, she is strong willed and conveys confidence. She always feels she is not as good as others. I have found that I really need to build her up as much as possible.

I think once you have come to forgiveness for yourself, you can forgive your H for the pain he has and does inflict upon you. I have asked my W for forgivness, but she still hold onto those memories that caused her pain. She says she forgives me, but I don't think she has. Forgiveness means to forget also. We are not God who really does wipe the slate clean, but we need to continually forgive and forget the past wounds because holding onto them is bad for us. We have a choice when those memories come to mind. We can dwell on them or we can forgive them. Often we need to go to the offender and tell them how we feel, but it needs to be done with a forgiving heart.

I have read almost all of your posts and I think you have a lot of pain in your past. As you move forward and heal, those past wounds will need to be forgiven for you to move on to a better life. It does not mean we dwell on them, but it does mean we dump the past baggage that just drags us down. Forgive and forget. When the hurt comes up in your mind, forgive it. Then move forward by forgetting or refusing to dwell on it. Just keep remembering that you are already forgiven.

I hope I made sense. As you seek human counsel, seek God's counsel first, He will speak to you. He will heal you and free you of the past pain. Please keep us updated on your sessions.

Christ's Love,
Roman

SS and roughroad,

thanks for the replies, i read them yesterday but am only responding today. i must admit, i didn't respond last night because i didn't want to have it get bumped back up, i kinda hoped this topic would just go unnoticed, fall off the current page, and get lost in the archives. but in reality, i am glad for the responses and I am capable of dealing with all this. the support of this board has been life altering and i'm not stopping yet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

i think the need to control plays a big role in my life too. you know the saying: if you want something done right, do it yourself. i want to be happy so i try to control things and make them go the way i think they should go but what i think i am learning is that by letting go and letting God take control, not only is a huge burden taken off one's shoulders but things turn out better.

Roman,

thanks for your response too.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> have read almost all of your posts </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that is an amazing thing roman. i have been very blessed to have you out there. i know that you are being helped by this too and that makes it even more amazing. thanks.

on to the topic at hand.

first, no, i have not thought to just pray about the counseling(daaaaa). that is a very good thought, i will do just that and specifically right before i go. I think a christian counselor would be best too but i feel kinda locked into seeing the same person that had done MC with us before. i just tried to find someone in my network that is listed as a christian counselor, no luck yet and i have to go to mtg. i may just give this C a try, maybe she does christian counseloring, i'm not sure.

I have pretty much decided i really want to focus on present and future too but i fully expect the past is going to come up at times. i am very hard on myself, always have been, i'm not sure why, i think it stems back to not feeling like my parents liked me much. my adult head understands that is not true, but i think their neglect still impacts me. my dad is gone now, my mom lives close by and our relationship is actually improving as of late, which is a good thing too. she is actually a pastor at this point and would probably love to counsol me but i don't think that would work!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but we need to continually forgive and forget the past wounds because holding onto them is bad for us </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">very true. i never found the book you mentioned by beth moore but i did get a book by stormie omaritan (author of the power of a praying wife/husband/parent...) called
Lord, I Want To Be Whole The Power Of Prayer And Scripture In Emotional Healing.

i am really getting a lot out of it so far but i don't read consistenly enough!! it talks about 7 steps to emotional healing with #1 being releasing the past which includes confessing all your sins to God (and accepting His forgiveness) and forgiving those that have hurt you in the past. step 2 is called living in obediance which starts with living in obediance by taking control of your mind. that is where i am at now.

opps, hit add reply instead of preview post...

i just wanted to finish by saying thanks for your support. i am feeling more comfortable with tommorow's session and i WILL PRAY before i go <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

you're quite welcome and really it's the very least i can do for you. maybe one way you can look at the counseling w/your IC versus seeing a counselor whom you know is a Christian is just to be aware and if you feel like she says anything that is not Biblical or something that would be against God's will then that's when you should probably go the extra length to find a Christian counselor. of course hopefully that won't happen and your counselor will be a blessing and you will feel blessed by counseling w/them.

i don't know if SH from MB is a Christian or not but certainly he has not said anything to me that i felt was contradicting the Bible or what God would have me do and has talked to me about my H and whether or not he is a believer and about me striving to be Christ-like. i don't think a counselor would talk about those things if they weren't a believer in the first place.

yeah, i would probably refrain from "counseling" w/your mom in the technical sense of the word. but certainly talking to her as a daughter talks to their mother, and as a friend, is certainly a form of counseling in itself and hey, it's free <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

i've heard great things about the book the "power of a praying wife." so keep on it as well as other books w/similar themes. many of the books by Dr. James Dobson, Dr. Charles Stanley, Dr. David Jeremiah are excellent as well. i know about the "duh, of course i should pray" thing but we are human and sometimes the answer is just in front of our face and just need a little "pinch" to remind us.

some tips i would recommend you do is to write things down before your session or between session about things you would like to discuss or questions you might have. also to take notes during your session so you can refer to them later. i've been very diligent in documenting my sessions w/SH so that i can refer to them and also to help others (at least i hope it does). just write anything down that comes to your mind, it doesn't mean you have to address every issue that you write down but just kind of helps you prepare and stay focused.

remember we can't control others, remember what our real purpose is on this earth, and that God has a plan for us. he has given us whatever we have for a reason, whether it be emotions, experiences, etc. good luck w/your session tomorrow and prayers to you.

FL,
I had an idea. Have you considered asking your H to pray for you too? Maybe a spefic prayer? I have asked my W to pray for me and pray for her every day. For her healing and her walk with God. I will be praying for you in much the same way. Also, please let me know how your current reading impacts you and the counseling. I think there are others here who would love to hear also and even give you some tips like RR did. I hope it all goes well for you.

Christ's Love,
Roman

Hi RR, i believe the C is a christian, but i don't think she does christian counseling and by that i mean, i don't think she counsels specifically on HOW to have a stronger relationship with God.

regarding my mom, i'm just glad i can be around her without becoming anxious or aggitated which is how it used to be, i'm no where ready to have mother/daughter talks with her. i mean i will to a small extent but not too deep. i know she wants a deeper relationship with me now and i am trying to allow that to happen. it really is progress that i can be around her comfortably and i am glad we at least have that now. actually i told her about my A, when H and I had our Retrovaille weekend she knew about it so she knew we were having problems and she asked me if H was cheating on me, i could not let her think that so I told her "no, i cheated on H". unfortunately H knows that my mom knew about the A now and he does not want to be around her, feels betrayed that she did not step in more. he feels worse about my sister than my mom. he was ok with my mom coming over on Mother's Day, although it was tense and my mom asked me later what was wrong with H. mom does not know that H now knows about A (per H request). gets confusing huh?? what a mess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

i was thinking i would write down some thoughts before i go tommorow, as to what i want to accomplish and i also plan on bringing the book i am reading. thanks for the advice. i have not read much of your posts about sessions with Dr. Harley. i'll have to look them up. i bet there is a lot in there that would help me too. thanks for posting so much. thanks for the prayers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

roman,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Have you considered asking your H to pray for you too? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well, i once asked him to consider reading the power of a praying husband. he knew i was reading the praying wife one. i got a very big, no thank you.

i've asked him if we could pray together. he is not comfortable with that. i have tried to just have converstations about prayer in general and he clams up. he is a very private person (i think i have mentioned that before.)

your idea about writing how the book (and now the counsoling) impacts me is a good one. what might be even more interesting is seeing if there are others that want to read the same book and have discussions as we go along. thanks for your prayers too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FL, hope that your IC session went well today. check out my new thread "doing what i can for as long as i can..." i listed some websites that i think would benefit you. prayers to you.

RR, thanks, the session is in 1 hr.

i am kinda a mess this morning. H and I had a short talk yesterday and then again this morning. i don't want to go into details but i am just so sad that i hurt him so badly. i won't say i don't know what to do about it, cuz i do, keep loving him now, no matter what his reactions are. i'm trying. and i am doing a lot of praying right now. (including praying that no one comes into my office because my eyes are so red right now) i have a serious deadline to complete before end of day friday. i have no clue as to how i am now going to accomplish it!!!

i'm trying to tell myself to just relax, leave it in God's hands, feel at peace knowing you are doing all you can now to correct past sins.

i have no idea how long H will remain so closed up. as time goes by, although we can have time where life seems ok on the outside, he seems to be getting farther and farther away from me and there is nothing i can do to stop it, i know my actions can possibly influence him but where he ends up is mostly out of my hands.

i try to remember how he told me this weekend he is fully committed to staying married, but will it always be like this, with no emotion, no true closeness??? he got comfortable being so emotionally distant from me for the majority of our marriage. he himself fainlly acknowledged that he disconnected from very early in our marriage. and then he talks about how he just got comfortable being that way.

will the same thing happen again now???