</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> FL, it seems to me the man is scared to death. He did do what most of the BH's and BW's did, now he is frightened to trust HIMSELF. Further he is in a more tenous situation than most of the guys here. He depends on you not for just the things a W can provide, but even financially. He is very vulnerable.

Here is where opening YOUR heart to him might help. It is a subtle process, but if he can see what is inside, it will give him confidence, and you just MIGHT get that kiss. Don't forget most of us guys were trained to measure ourselves by our financial contributions. I know, I know, it is a new world, but we are still ancient reptiles wondering around. Well, I can only speak for myself.

FL, I think you are doing better than you realize. Also don't forget your H's profession is more artistic and often people in those fields are more sensitive, so the healing takes longer.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JL, how can i show him my heart?? he does not want to look at it. we do not talk about anything that is going on internally for either one of us. he just does NOT want to do that. and me trying to get him to talk to me is turning out to be LBs because he told me that he personally does not want to talk about this stuff at all. so my attempts to talk is viewed as me asking him for something I need and therefore i am not being patient which is what he has been telling me HE needs.

as far as the financial situation... that was NOT my choice!!! i refuse to be beat up about that fact. It's not like he stayed home in order for me to have my career. He has made his own choices about his career and in doing so he put a lot of stress and responsibility on me!!!

the only thing i would be held accountable is if my re-actions to his career choices were disrespectful or in any other way negative. or if i treated him meanly or less equal when his freelancing did not turn out to be consistently financially fruitful. i don't believe i ever did that!!! i was very supportive of him quiting and i have always helped him with the books!!

do i think he has an issue with how much he makes vrs me? yes i do. do i think i am the cause of his issue? absolutely not. have i tried to be supportive anyway? yes i really believe i have!!! i have never wanted him to feel bad about his business. maybe i did not tell him enough how wonderful it is that he is able to be home more with the kids, but i would think that would of sounded condensending.

i really feel like our careers have always put us in a lose/lose situation and then put on top of that the fact that i now very much want to be a teacher and it became worse than a lose/lose situation. does that mean it is wrong for me to be a teacher??? don't answer that, i know it is not.

do i sound as frustrated as i am feeling right now???

I cannot solve our career issue on my own especially since in his eyes there is no issue!

FL,

Calm down girl. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I did not mean to imply that YOU had anything to do with the financial situation or even that it needed to change. I simply pointed out that it is something that is very likely keeping him off balance and adds to HIS insecurity.

My post to you was NOT an attack or even accusation pointed at you. Your H is going to have to deal with the situation as is and I am fully aware that the situation is as much of not much of his choice as yours. So calm down FL, you are cool in my book. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My point was to suggest that your H is in a bit of a different space than many of the H's posting here, so the comparison may not be a good thing to make in your own mind.

As for opening your heart, this is a sublte one and yes hard. But, let's say he was deaf, could you communicate with him? Sure you could. He doesn't want to talk about it, OK, there is more than one way to skin the cat. You can hug him, touch him, smile around him, by happy. You want to get him asking questions and really paying attention to you????

Well, if you do, then smile and be happy. Yup, that will just drive him crazy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You need Pepper on this thread there is one very very devious woman. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> She could give you some ideas, FL.

But, the point is to communicate to your H, that he is the one you want, that you are happy to be around him, that you enjoy physical contact with him, that you will talk to him if he will listen.

You could also write him a letter if you felt the verbal part was too much.

My point is FL, your H is in a slightly different spot than many BH's here. He did try, and his efforts were NOT reward in his eyes. You and I have discussed this before, he doesn't see that he was successful, he brought you back. Yes, you had an A most of the time, but his efforts not only brought you back to a marriage you had bailed on, it also helped end the A. Pretty powerful stuff, not many BS's can actually say they have been that successful. He doesn't see that...yet.

But, you can show him, you can smile, you can hug, you can enjoy your life. You can ask him to go with you to do things, you and your children can go and enjoy a nice weekend.

FL, I know you are trying, so you don't need to defend yourself to me. You are doing a good job in my book, and I truely feel you will be rewarded. But, do the one thing he cannot do for you, enjoy your life, and become happy with yourself. Smile! FL, I would bet a lot of money while you are an attractive woman now, you are stunning when you smile. Do it often.

Have a good weekend FL.

God Bless,

JL

FL,
JL hit on two super sore spots in your M that will not be smoothed over easily. He may not want to look at your heart ...right now, but he will see it anyway. Everyday you have an opportunity to show it to him and you do. He is watching you very closely, but right now he is wounded and his pride is getting in the way. In time he will soften. He loves you and is committed to you. Accept that for now and continue to heal and grow. As far as talking about his feelings and yours, try to get to a place where you press him less often. Don't give up reaching out, but try to put some space between those times. Eventually, he will show signs of softening. I know it is hard, but you will learn to be more patient for the results. I had to learn the hard way also.

As far as your financial situation, I believe that burden should fall on him alone. I am not saying that the W does not contribute, but it is his responsibility to provide. Proverbs 31 talks about the perfect W. In that passage the W contributes to the financial gain of the family, but is not responsible for it. When your M gets to a better place, I think you will address this issue as a couple. He will see the strain it puts on you and will do things to lighten your burden. Don't give up your dream b/c of finance. When your M is growing again, this issue s/b part of your rebirth. Since it is important to you, it will be important to him. It may take a few years to transition to a teacher, but you can do it.

FL, I really understand the strain you are under b/c I have been in that place for a very long time. I think back and am amazed that I have held this family together. The turmoil seemed never ending and you just go back and forth between quitting and trying harder. However, as I look back, I see God's hand in all of this and He alone deserves the credit for my resolve. He has sustained us through this very dark valley.

Now the time to heal is here and just as God has been faithful in keeping us together, He will be just as faithful in healing our M. He will do the same for you. It is a matter of trust. There is purpose in everything that touches are lives and it is always God's purposes that will be fulfilled. He gives us the latitude to make choices and mistakes, but the best part is that He forgives and heals. Please continue to heal, God has great plans for you and you M.

Christ's Love,
Roman

FL..My H sounds like yours in so many ways. I think that they are truly scared to talk about these deep heart issues. As Romans said, they are afraid of what they may find. All we can do is what JL suggested. Find ways to show our love and committment to them and the marriage. I can't imagine how hard it must be for them to rebuild confidence in us and to be wondering what we're thinking about or whom we're thinking about if our mood is a little off or if we are a little quiet. I can only try to put myself in h's shoes. As women we are confrontational unlike most men. Men think that if they don't talk about it and admit the problem that it will go away. My H is like a lot of men if he can't fix it he doesn't want to really confront it. I think that it's going to take time as much as anything else for our H's to rebuild their trust in us! Most of all it's going to take little reassurances from us along the way!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My point was to suggest that your H is in a bit of a different space than many of the H's posting here, so the comparison may not be a good thing to make in your own mind.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ok, i can accept that </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you had an A most of the time, but his efforts not only brought you back to a marriage you had bailed on, it also helped end the A. Pretty powerful stuff, not many BS's can actually say they have been that successful. He doesn't see that...yet.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i have tried to tell him this, i really do hope someday that msg sinks in. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But, do the one thing he cannot do for you, enjoy your life, and become happy with yourself. Smile! FL, I would bet a lot of money while you are an attractive woman now, you are stunning when you smile. Do it often.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">can you post that msg to me everyday??? (just kidding). i hear what you are saying. i do believe my smile is my best attribute.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Everyday you have an opportunity to show it to him and you do. He is watching you very closely </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i should be able to relate to that so well. when he was working on the marriage and i was on the outside looking in, i sure was watching him very closely.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When your M gets to a better place, I think you will address this issue as a couple. He will see the strain it puts on you and will do things to lighten your burden. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i'll try to do my best to keep an open mind, but he knew this was putting a strain on me years ago too, but then so much was going on with my dad's sickness. so i will keep an open mind, i promise!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> FL, I really understand the strain you are under b/c I have been in that place for a very long time. I think back and am amazed that I have held this family together. The turmoil seemed never ending and you just go back and forth between quitting and trying harder. However, as I look back, I see God's hand in all of this and He alone deserves the credit for my resolve. He has sustained us through this very dark valley.
Now the time to heal is here and just as God has been faithful in keeping us together, He will be just as faithful in healing our M. He will do the same for you. It is a matter of trust. There is purpose in everything that touches are lives and it is always God's purposes that will be fulfilled. He gives us the latitude to make choices and mistakes, but the best part is that He forgives and heals. Please continue to heal, God has great plans for you and you M.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you give me so much hope roman, i am sure you know that by now. i can never repay you for that!!!

lisa, thanks for the response too. how are you holding up? doing ok?