Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,842
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,842
anyone have any suggestions on books with dealing with ones own anger...especially towards their own kids?

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,925
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,925
Mom, try this one: Parenting with love and Logic, by Foster Cline & Jim Fay. Good luck.

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,842
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,842
Thanks lost...This is for H..he's having a very difficult time with the kids right now. He is angry all the time now with them.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Why is he angry with them?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Do you think he views them as competition for your attention? We had another poster last year who had this problem.

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,815
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,815
Mom,
I doubt that the anger with the boys is really the problem. Dad had issues with them before the A and probably sees them as an interference with his personal life, the decision to come back home, the decision to give up the OW etc. etc.

In other words, they represent one of the main reasons that he needs to recommit to his family and be responsible as a father.

He is still very newly out of the A and the fog and this responsibility is probably angering him, not actually the boys themselves. Does that make sense? They are easy targets and he can unload his anger and frustration on them. Not very mature, but not really surprising either.

I know this did not answer your question, but it was just an observation. Continued prayers to you and those 3 beautiful little guys!

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,842
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,842
Yes, ladysing, that makes perfect sense and I think you hit the nail on the spot. He is most irritatd with them and many times says he "hates them"...This worries me as he has never said this beore. He sees them as a burden to him right now. Every little thing they do, he yells at them.

They are all ADHD with some other underlying problems. I am most positive a lot of their problems stems from his anger (after thinking about it long and hard) and I do not mean to put any blame on him here. I think he has the potential to be an excellent father, but he puts forth no effort at all. He doesn't like to do anything with them and is constantly yelling and belittling them. He does things to them until they cry..then once they start crying he wont stop. He has done this since I dont know when.

But this anger thing has really got me worried. He said this weekend that he wishes he had never had kids. And the kids are the reason he doens't want to be here. He has admitted that he wants to just leaave and not have to deal with them anymore. Is that fair to us? He just wants to walk out cuz they are a burden to him. They are wild. Yes, they are. He doens't discipline them, he yells. what does that do.

I think he needs more than a book <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Joined: May 2004
Posts: 85
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 85
mom -- Maybe instead of focusing on his anger (though it does sound like that's a definite problem), he should read some books on ADHD. My WW has ADHD, and for those of us who have never lived with an ADHD person, it can be, ah, difficult.

I don't know of any good titles off the top of my head, but there are a lot of good books out there on ADD/ADHD. It could help him to see that their behavior is not necessarily their fault. Though I'll be the first to admit, it's a hard concept to grasp. I'm still not sure I completely understand it, and that's one of the reasons my W is now a WW.

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,815
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,815
Oh Mom,
After reading your last reply, I am very worried about the boys. Your H is a doctor, he KNOWS that the ADHD is a physical problem, but his clinical approach to your family is very disturbing.

They are not perfect, they are wild, they are annoying etc. etc. I understand, I have 3 boys also although have not dealt with the ADHD issue. They are KIDS however and they deserve to be loved and feel safe in their home. The things that he has said to and about them are going to do very serious emotional damage to them.

He needs to get into counselling immediately to learn how to deal with his issues regarding being a father. NO child should ever hear their parent say the things he has said.

I don't want to be negative, but as their mother, at this point you need to protect them. This is not going to help your marriage one bit but they are your responsibility. I KNOW that they are your H's responsibility also but he has proven right now that he is not willing to be in the role as a reaponsible father. They need the stability of at least one loving parent.

This is a tough one but in your case I really think that this issue is beyond reading a book and your H needs professional help. Your boys are being affected by his attitude towards them and his resentment towards being a father.

Your marriage is not going to survive as long as his attitude about the boys remains so negative. "I hate them, I wish I never had kids" those words break my heart, please prioritize the children and then see if the marriage can be saved. You ALL deserve better, either with a committed husband or father, or moving on without him.

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,815
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,815
Mom,
I had another thought...

Why don't you plan picnic this weekend at a local park?

This would help in the following ways:

You say he never does anything with the boys, take a frisbee, soccer ball, kite, etc.

He says they are wild, this would give them some outside time to be loud and run around.

This would also give you some family time together, no pressure to be quiet, clean etc. Just have a relaxing day outside together. Pick up food on the way and make it easy on yourself also.

He might just find himself enjoying himself and would be less likely to yell at the boys in public.

Stay away from fast food places, movies, amusement parks or any place with lines. Remember, the idea is to give everyone a stress free place to let off some steam and have some fun.

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,842
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,842
Well, I will be out of town this weekend on a retreat. I planned this way back in November. So going out is out of the question. His problem reight now, is I think he is stuck in limbo...The withdrawal is probably getting to him big time right now and the fact that he cant just GO as he pleases. We have to arrange a sitter, we have to pay the sitter, he cant just take a nap or do whatever he pleases. This really makes him mad cuz in the A he was able to do any of that without the burden of the children. He had a big break from them and now they are wild. They love him and I KNOW he loves them, but they drive him nuts.

I have a name of a counselor that I am going to call next week. I want to start IC for myself. I will approach him with it as well, but I am not going to force him to do it.

I do agree with you that I cannot go on in this marriage if he does not get this anger under control. He has to do something about it. I have said countless times that he sets the mood...***sigh***

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,815
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,815
Is your H working at all while you are away this weekend?

What are his plans with the boys?

Without telling him what he sould do, I would talk to him about activities that you think the boys might enjoy that they could do while you are away.

You are the primary caregiver and although you deserve time away, I would be concerned leaving you H without some good ideas that they might all enjoy.

Maybe a play date with some friends? I know that he is their father and should be capable of parenting for the weekend, but I am reacting to the reality of his actions lately.

Just a thought on a way to make the weekend away less stressful for you also!

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 3,474
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 3,474
I listen to Harley's radio show and he has had parents call in about their children with ADHD, and he has said that ADHD kids are high energy kids who haven't been taught to be considerate.

For what it's worth, I got a similar perspective from some tapes I listened to that a friend gave to me. If you're interested, look under www.kidbrat.com for the tapes "Raising Kids Right." ($39)

Our house has been in chaos for three years. After this woman propositioned my husband and he kept telling me of her contacting him, I was angry and wouldn't let up. They witnessed physical abuse, and he broke my arm. After the affair was exposed, I was furious! For almost two years!

It was this spring that we got into the MB program and I started to look at the impact of all this chaos and neglect of the children.

The psychologist who authored the tapes, Dr. Ray, said that kids get letters (like ADHD) that excuse bad behavior, and many of these kids should be labeled BRAT rather than ADHD. He said that angry parents usually are parents who are ineffective in disciplining kids. Kids learn that they can get away with stuff, and so they test, test, test. The answer is to discipline -- have some discipline mainstays that are used with regularity.

For example, we have a consideration chair. Actually, our 5 year old came up with the "great idea" to have four consideration chairs! (Just in case). They get told to go to the consideration chair if they misbehave. For the 10 year old, that includes answering in a nasty way. They go for 5, 15, or 30 minutes. 30 minutes is for physical abuse -- hitting a sibling.

If they refuse, there is blackout for the older three (no TV, no computer, no transportation to activities, no playdates) until they put in their consideration time. If the three year old refuses, she gets a spanking.

Dr. Ray calls a child's refusal to take a discipline "escalation" and a parent needs a plan to deal with it, or the parent will become angry and out of control.

Those tapes sure have changed my way of parenting, and my husband is happy with the results and is using the ideas as well.

Hope this helps...

Cherished

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,088
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,088
For what it's worth, I don't think your H has an anger problem, I think your H has a major depression problem.

My H was really "bugged" by his kids when he was in his A and early in recovery. He was angry with every breathing thing in the home, even the dog. Soon after he started on anti-d's he was able to see what an a$$ he was being.

I think when men are depressed and they have experienced the thrill of an affair and have given up on their marriages, their kids are the one thing that sticks in their craw. The kids are blameless, yet can be the biggest thing that contributes to WS feeling guilty about wanting to leave the M.

Is H on any meds? I think your recovery would go a lot smoother if he tried an anti-d for awhile. Seems he's really got a case of "the glass is half empty". Now he's using the kids as an excuse for his unhappiness. Seems he's always looking for an excuse OUTSIDE of himself. This is going to be something that must be addressed early on in recovery. I don't think he'll "get it" until he's capable of seeing the glass half full again.

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 40
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 40
Hi! I felt the need to respond to the post by Cherished regarding ADHD kids really being BRAT kids. While I agree with the reality that parenting plays a major role in the behavior of children, especially effective discipline, I disagree that most children labeled ADHD or ADD are actually just victims of poor parenting. Our oldest DS is 9, is a straight A student,got the highest standardized-achievment test score in the 3rd grade, and is well-mannered and well-desciplined. He does, however, have some implulse-control issues that no amount of paernting and discipline were able to help. The issues were affecting his friendships and my DH and I felt we needed to have him evaluated. Our pediatrician immediately recognized his impulse-control problems, and reccommended DS go on a very low dose of an ADHD medication. We noticed a difference immediately. The thing is, if a child is truly not ADHD, those medications prescribed to treat that prolem will have the OPPOSITE effect and will actually make the child more hyper. And no, we do not rely on medication alone to treat our son's issues. Parenting and discipline go hand in hand with the meds. So, while I agree that there are some children who are labeled "ADHD" when they are really just poorly-behaved, there are many who truly have the condition. Thanks for letting me put in my $.02!!!

Joined: May 2004
Posts: 97
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 97
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong>
I have a name of a counselor that I am going to call next week. I want to start IC for myself. I will approach him with it as well, but I am not going to force him to do it.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">j

Your children also need a counselor. I strongly recommend seeing a family counselor with your kids. If your husband goes, great, but your kids need help understanding that their fathers anger is not their fault.

Be an example to your kids. Show them what to do when faced with an abuser. All of you go to counseling and if necessary Plan B until your husband is willing to seek help for his issues.

This is no longer about your marriage it's about your family.

April

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,815
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,815
Mom,
I hope you and your H have talked about activities for the weekend so you can get away and not worry too much. We're going to Napa this weekend for a H.S. graduation and hopefully get in some wine tasting too! Have a great weekend, Ladysing

Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 16
J
JAG Offline
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 16
Anger is a Choice, Tim LaHaye and Bob Phillips

ISBN: 0 310 24283 5

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, Marshall B. Rosenberg

ISBN: 1 892005 03 4

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 3,474
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 3,474
In followup to 2boysandagirls's comment on how I recommended tapes in which the therapist said ADHD kids may be BRAT kids, I realize that not all ADHD-diagnosed kids are really BRATS, but some may be.

I read in the Wall Street Journal a few weeks ago that 5% (1 out of 20) of all pre-school boys are on Ritalin. That seems like an absurd number. I wasn't sure if 1 year old boys or baby boys were included in that percent.

My one son struggled in school until 2nd grade (this year). I wasn't sure if it was our marital problems (Tom broke my arm when our son was in kindergarten) but I had the tendency to think it was Tommy being a boy. He had so much energy that he had a very hard time sitting still. I wouldn't let him out of my sight for more than 30 seconds when he was a pre-schooler. I never knew what he would get into, fall off, find... We have some funny stories about those years. I'm glad he survived them. He certainly gave me some exciting moments -- including the five trips to the emergency room that I made when he fell off a swing set, ironed his hand, bounced down the stairs on a bouncy ball...!

Three boys? That would be a lot. It could be that your H is having such difficulty with the boys that he found solace with another woman. I think that my H reacted to the chaos in our house by enjoying the lunches he had with another woman -- and then he fell in love with her and blamed me for being a "terrible wife".

We haven't had our kids in therappy -- we are trying to work on our marriage, follow the guidelines from Dr. Ray's tapes, and prepare for the fallout that may well come from their having been neglected as their parents foungth with each other.
Cherished

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,815
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,815
Mom,
how was your getaway weekend?

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 140 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Qwerty1234, Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY
71,738 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,811
Members71,738
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5