i've lost my belief in myself, that i have actually grown and become a better person. can anyone relate? nothing seems to matter to me now. i feel no hope.

What's up? Angry yesterday, depressed today, sounds like your really on the rollercoaster. The last post I saw said you had IC comin up, how did that go?

FL here,

BS but still listening, whats on your mind? Going through some withdrawals here with H and have lost my belief in myself as a person these days. I'm thinking about throwing in the towel and moving on, maybe you can shed some light here for me and we can help each other. Go ahead lay it on me, I am here to listen.

HINY

(((((FL))))))

Just wanted to tell you that I admire you for telling your H. I truly wish my WH had the courage & strength to tell me about the A.

About becoming a better person, you made several steps toward that w/ DDay and many more with your posts reflecting that growth. I think it's normal for everyone to have bad days. I am packing now, leaving my WH & traveling 3000 mniles away, was supposed to be Plan B - packing brought him way out of the fog. But, boy do I feel so much pain, you realize your going to separate for a while and wonder if it's permanant and where did you go wrong in your life?

I wish I had wisdom to spout - but I am far from knowing much - but I wanted to tell you that you were and are brave.

Keep strong and big hugs! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
BB2

thanks you two.

things feel like they are derailing so fast here. my H and i talked some last night, he has questions that i cannot seem to answer to his satisfaction. "how could i have done this to him and for 2.5 yrs?" he wants a logical answer to a question that has no logical answer.

what really has gotten to me is how he says he sees no reason to believe i have grown/changed at all. that i have always been so hard to live with due to my emotions and i think he conviced me he is right, i am hopeless and clueless.

i'm trying to internally fight back into believing in myself but i'm not making any progress.

bb2. thanks for the post. i read about what was going on with you the other day, although i don't think i responded, i meant to, i was just feeling so low, i couldn't. how long will you two be physically seperated?

FL

How have you changed? How are you showing him you have changed? Do not give up on you no matter what. You made a mistake, you know you did....that is change right there. Take it slowly...and try to show a change everyday to him. Are you emotional? Are you getting help for your emotions? Sometimes it is easier to talk to a professional about these types of things. I know BS that I wonder how my H could do this to me, but most of all I just want security that it won't happen again. Are you providing security to him?

HINY

i am trying to seperate my view of myself with his view of me. i'm thinking i should not be letting his view of me tainte my view of me but i cannot convince myself that that makes sense. i'm thinking a "healthy" person wouldn't let that happen. but i also don't understand why one shouldn't take to heart what is said by a person who knows me for so long. does that make any sense?

It's still new for him. 14 months from the 1st DDay for me and sometimes the pain is unbearable. Also, My H doesn't really answer any questions, just says it's soooo over. He'll go on & say it was such a stupid mistake, etc. And I know I aske too many ??? and will never get a response. I have laid off, but it did awhile. He has to work everything thru his head - plus this may sound pretty sexist, but men are a bit more He-Men when it comes to their women & other men. My Wh told me he would have left instantly - could be talk - but who knows.

What's weird - my WH will not touch me, will just give me pecks and hugs - but NO SF. And I am sooooooo willing. He said he has too much guilt. But I take that he is no longer attracted to me. He tells me I look better now than I did before (54lbs total lost on my Infidelity Diet) and that he is attracted - but 7 months w/o is too long to be carrying ths guilt. When did you want to have SF again w/ your H???

Keep your head high, keep strong & remember time is on our side. He'll come around!

BB2

hiny, i know that is what he needs, assurance this would not happen again, anything to make him feel secure. but my words mean nothing to him.

yes i am VERY emotional <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> i cry a lot, i get to feeling so sad around him. i am better a lot of times when i am not around him but around him i am mostly so sad. so sad about all the pain i have caused him, all the wasted time, when i am around him, i don't know what to do with all the pain. and if i try to let it go, take a break from it, it never lasts very long.

FL, Hugs to you, I'm sorry your in a struggle. I know what you mean, I am also a FWW. It is so hard to live with yourself.

I wasn't going to log on tonight. But I read your post and it made me sad for you, because I have so been there. I don't have much words of encouragement, but as you know the rollercoaster will go back up. I'm sorry for your lousy night.

When my H asked, how could you do this to me. My response was, I didn't do this to you, I did this for me. To show him just how selfish the A state of mind is.

It was all about me, I rarely thought of him and what would happen. I know that sounds so bad, but it was truly all about how I was feeling and what I was getting out of it. It helped him understand, it was a tough way to say it, but it was the truth.

I recommend ice cream and fudge. Or maybe brownies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Something chocolate anyways.
I'm suddenly hungry, g2g.

MB love to you. I hope you feel better tonight.
KY-4

Yes that does make sense. Does he know you are being honest with him now 100% honest now, no lying? Maybe he thinks you are lying to him still? Maybe..... I am not sure. The BS goes through so many feelings I can't describe them all. I think that maybe his tainted view of you is logical in a sense for him because the A went on for so long. But I think that he is dissecting the A a little too much, JMHO. I as the BS don't want to know the details, I really don't. I just want to know why it happened, how can we fix it, and how can we stop it from happenig again? So far I haven't gotten much for answers because of the withdrawals and what I have gotten hasn't been pretty. My H felt like he couldn't do anything? HUH? I was always here with the kids...he was always gone. So I guess I have been screwed for a long long time and still am getting it. So do you think maybe he is dissecting it a little too much? Do you think maybe he is asking for answers to questions that you don't have yet? Or that you still have to learn about yourself? These things don't just figure themselves out....they take time. There is no quick fixes to any problems this serious. Just don't give up on you, and then he won't (or shouldn't).

HINY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How have you changed? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">not to give you a dump answer here but... i stopped cheating on him!!! and then i confessed. and i was feeling like i was learning how to love better, i do feel like i am growing spiritually (when i said that to H, he didn't think there was any substance to that stmt)

but maybe H is right, maybe that is not significant. nothing seems to matter to him. when i say something his response is usually, "that does nothing for me"

<small>[ June 05, 2004, 08:45 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

That wasn't a dump answer, you have changed see? He is just hurt and a BS, and as one it is hard to see those things, esp if you feel the A should never have happened to begin with so stopping the A doesn't count. In the mind of a BS, there isn't much you can do to help the pain for a while I dont think. Just be there for him, and it also sounds like he is being a little angry and showing it. Is he like this all the time? Go to church together....that would really show him you are spiritually healing. Until this happened to me, I never looked to god for anything but selfish things. Now I thank him for getting up in the morning, I thank him for my kids health and safety, I thank him for the air I breathe. Does any of that help?

HINY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It was all about me, I rarely thought of him and what would happen. I know that sounds so bad, but it was truly all about how I was feeling and what I was getting out of it. It helped him understand, it was a tough way to say it, but it was the truth.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">the same is so true with me too. and i have told him this. i truely believed he would never know. i, too, did not think about H at all. and when i tell him that, it does not help him one bit. and why should it, that is a terrible thing to hear your W say to you.

hiny, i don't think he thinks i am lying about anything. maybe i should ask him that. the length of the affair is killing him.

maybe i am too quick to think i have myself all figured out and that i am ok now. when i try to tell him i HAVE grown, he doesn't think it is possible. he made a comment like, "well then you should quit IC, since you have it all figured out now, since you have faith in God now. every thing is great. except i am left having to just get over what has happened????"

yes, he is very angry, but he does not come out and say it directly. but it is clear, he is.

we have not been to church in many weeks. historically he was not one to go to church very often. it was a difficult issue for us, i wanted to (we did when we dated) and then he stopped wanting to get up. and then we had kids and the kids saw dad sleeping in so they didn't want to go either. then i tried being a SS teacher, that way i didn't have to be in church alone (seeing all the couple there holding hands, sharing the church experience) and the kids liked me being SS teacher. but then H complained about that cuz i typically would be getting lesson ready at the last minute and stressing out around him, which meant i was just in a bit of a hyper mood, not like yelling at him or anything.

the next year i agreed to go to late church which meant no SS for the kids, but still his attendance was not that good.

but, that had changed prior to d-day. he was going with me and we were even holding hands, it was so wonderful. i confessed on a sunday, shortly after being at church together. i knew it was time because of the sermon that day. because i wanted so much to come home to him. really come home to him, ya know what i mean?

last week we almost went, H really was willing to go but a huge storm blew in and we literally could not go. this sunday he has to be at his mom's at 7am. there is no way to change that.

i know that going to church shortly after d-day helped him immensly. he shared with me how it impacted him, how it helped him decide to try to stay married.

cellophane,

i did not answer your IC question. it went well, i guess, i say i guess because i don't know if she is really challanging me to dig deeper. i don't mean to sound ignorant but i'm not really sure how to have more helpful IC sessions.

What exactly does he want from you?

dewt

i have been wondering if finding a new C would be a good idea. when we went to her for MC, i didn't think she was the best then either. i think i will persue that. i want to dig deeper and really heal in everyway i can in order to be healthier for myself and for my H and kids.

<small>[ June 05, 2004, 09:34 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

Find a new IC, honestly. If you dont feel you are getting what you are paying for dont stick with them. I love my IC like a mother, but if she didnt do it for me and guide me I would change.

He has anger, he has to learn to forgive and it doesn't sound like he has, is or is even trying to right now. There are some wonderful books on forgiveness I have seen at Barnes and Nobles. Does he read? Is he willing to read? Torn Asunder is good for both of you, good book to read together. His anger is stopping your recovery as far as I can see right now. You have already told him your were selfish, and you are changing that about you......why can't he see that? Is there something blocking his view? Anger maybe? Resentment? I also have these in my way. If you have faith, go alone. I am a firm believer in GOD now. I honesty am not religious, but I know that without him testing me constantly I would be so weak. He is there, go to church alone if you have to. Just keep asking for his guidance and for your angels to help heal the pain that has been inflicted on him. He is going to need time to get together and heal. I am worried about his attitude and anger stopping your recovery though. Does he want to stay together? Does he want to recover? Or does he want it over? How does he seem to want his life to go?

HINY