I am living proof that you can come out on the other side of the A and be stronger. I've been reading some posts lately from WWs and how they are confused and in the horrible fog and following feelings. I'm here to tell you definitively that your feelings will only lead you deeper into the fog and possibly out of a family and M. Follow what you know to be is right. A M is a covenant that God takes very seriously and the two shall become one. Then if the two become two again, God did not do that - we did. Bring the two back together to be one again. That part is up to us!

Have faith in God! Have faith in yourself! And learn again to have faith in your M again. It takes a lot of work, but it can happen. Don't believe those voices that are telling you "it can't work," or "you will never make it." Those things are coming from your feelings - and they cannot be trusted to lead you out of trouble!

Keep the Faith!!!

Thank you so much! I needed to hear that!

I'd pay just about anything to have somebody make my wife figure this out. She had EA 6 wks ago, it ended (I think) about a month ago, and she left me a week ago. Met yesterday and I did not beg or plead, was cool and cheerful and surprised her. Didn't even sulk when she gave me the old ILYBINILWY. She still wants an apt and is seeing an IC tomorrow but is not motivated to see an MC. I'm in the pit of despair most of the time. After IC session she'll decide whether or not to try MC with me. I doubt she'll do it. She has major conflict avoidance problems. I miss her so much right now I can barely breathe.

GC

Movin' on -- Thanks for the reminder that these things CAN work out.

GC -- You're way ahead of where I was at your point... It took me 2 months to figure out I should stop begging and pleading (I didn't find this site until recently). Just keep doing what you're doing.

Thank you for the words of encouragement...our D-day was 12/17/03 and I filed for divorce 1/9/04, BUT a lot happened and BH and I are here now, making it work, working for us to survive, and trying to build up a better marriage than before.

The thing about sticking to the M is that it takes a lot of Faith, Faith involves some degree of risk, and all of that is very scary.

Glad I chose this, though. I am sleeping better.

Keep the Faith.

I too am proof that God
is patient & loving &
understands that at times
we are not ourselves.
He & H have unconditional
love for me-I am human.
My A was a weakness in me,
not my M. I am stronger,
and so is my M. I thank
God everyday for my H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> A M is a covenant that God takes very seriously and the two shall become one. Then if the two become two again, God did not do that - we did. Bring the two back together to be one again. That part is up to us!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Movin’on, your post is a wonderful testimony…thanks for sharing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Hope, faith & love is indeed the 3 most important ingredients in life… I’m also a FWW who feels very grateful towards God for so many things in my life. I’m most grateful to God that he has used this painful experience in the end to make me a much stronger person and have used it to teach me very valuable lessons in life. God can certainly take any painful and negative experience and let something good came out of it if we are obedient to Him and have faith and trust in Him.

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ June 08, 2004, 04:30 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

thank you for this post movin' on, I am hoping that someday I can say that, it is a struggle right now. Not a struggle about the OM, that is done and I know it was a big mistake, no fog there.

The struggle is with myself, knowing that I have disappointed, hurt, betrayed and wondering if I haven't ruined everything. I am hoping, praying that my marriage will be stronger, will survive,
but this website does help me think there may be some hope, posts like yours, thank you again - Sandy

<small>[ June 08, 2004, 06:35 AM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Now that there are some WWs and FWWs here, I have two questions for you.

The first is: Why? In reading posts here, it seems that most WWs & FWWs don't really know, or there are many different reasons.

The second one is: Is there anything your unknowing husband could have said or done before the affair to prevent the affair?

I am sure there are more than just me who would be interested in your answers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The first is: Why? In reading posts here, it seems that most WWs & FWWs don't really know, or there are many different reasons.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because OM was a good friend, trusted, and I felt safe with him. H and I never worked through his A or any of the problems in our M prior to the A so I didn't feel safe in my M. H is prone to lots of LBing and after requesting over several months that we work thru it, I felt beaten down and dropped it. I shouldn't have.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The second one is: Is there anything your unknowing husband could have said or done before the affair to prevent the affair? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He could have believed me when I told him it was important to me that we find out what the issues were/are and work through them.
He could have believed me when I told him I felt afraid.
He could have believed me when I told him I didn't feel safe.
He could have believed me when I told him that hiding OW's contact attempts was far more damaging than telling me she'd attempted contact.

Why? I am still trying to figure that one out. We are in MC now to make sure that it doesn't happen again.

He was a friend and we talked a lot about life and what not. He gave me a sense of confidence that I have never had. He made me feel special, for lack of a better word.

Still, there was absolutely no excuse for my actions.

Sorry - second part: Could my H done something to prevent it?

I don't know, I don't think so. He was/is always wonderful to me. It was myself that risked our marriage, H was never part of the reason.

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Get this, the latest thing she pulled is bringing the OM to our church with her at the service time that I go. One of the pastors there married us and several friends know us and what is going on. She is just humiliating herself IMO and angering me at the same time. Luckily I didn't go yesterday (had a gut feeling not to) because I think I could have attacked the guy right there in the service. I hate this guy now and may hate my wife by the end of this because of the way I am being treated. She has a lot of nerve. And it has only been barely one month since I found out about her affair. Any WW's out there who can explain her objective in going that low? Why is she treating me like a piece of garbage now when she was proclaiming her love to me right before this crap? I hate to say I wish bad things for them, but I want them to suffer consequences for this. Right now I feel like I am the only one who is hurt in this. Unbelievable. I think she is capable of anything now and that is scary. It's weird when the "best" (so u think) person in your life turns into the scum of the earth. I just don't get it. opinions?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Broken Vessell:
<strong> 2 things I have learned:

1. No matter how your marriage is at the moment, NEVER open up to another person of opposite sex, even though you are 'just' friends in your mind.

Believe me it creates thoughts and feelings that you never thought you had or would have. The power of conversation and feelings of closeness in it should never be underestimated... Conversation whether through the internet or personally is an EXTREMELY POWERFUL TOOL Satan uses to make us become involved and attractive to someone else, who may also be going through emotional needs.

2. Never become 'emotionally available' to someone of the opposite sex.

Talking about personal things and thinking you are helping them and wanting to help them creates unforeseen complications… You become their 'drawing point' where they keep going and you keep giving, until you can't anymore, and you either end up on anti-dep yourself or have feelings of suicide because you end up NEEDING TO BE NEEDED (as I ended up).

I became dependant on the OM because of the above two things... I am trying to break free. The pull is strong. Very Strong. I depend on God.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kaz, what you’ve posted is SO true. You’ve indeed learned very valuable lessons, especially regarding opposite sex friendships. It was the same with me. I was just very lucky in the sense that the friendship stopped while it was still in the beginning stage of an EA and before it developed to anything physical. OM was much older than me (15 years). Before the friendship developed to EA and before there was any inappropriate feelings, he unconsciously filled the gap of a “father figure” because of unresolved childhood issues. The other difference between your situation and mine is that both me and OM became dependant on each other for the need to be needed. I agree that this pull is very, very strong and that dependence and obedience to God is the only way to break free from these things.

Suzet

<small>[ June 09, 2004, 02:26 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 08:20 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

It sounds like you two are on a good path. I encourage your H to read here - even if he doesn't want to post - because he will be able to relate to other men.

But I need to be firm on the NC letter to BOTH OM and his wife.

You have a moral obligation to her. Especially, if she doesn't know about the affair. If you don't unload this debt you have, it will likely burden your recovery and weigh you down over time.

In my view, there is no compromise available on this point.

WAT

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 08:20 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Dear Broken Vessel,

I just want to say, I follow all your posts and I’m so glad you have a wonderful, understanding H – it’s indeed a blessing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You know what, for someone who are so early in recovery you sound so full of wisdom and very “clear headed” about your own situation. Good for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Broken Vessel, I have been where you are right now (withdrawal and early recovery), so I just want you to know I’m here if you need me. However, I can only post from work and I don't have Internet access all the time. Here in my country it's already 15:15 and in a view minutes time I must knock off from work! Anyway, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ June 09, 2004, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>