Dearest onlywords,

I've noticed some of your responses on other threads. It's apparent that you are angry and defensive about something.

What is your story? Why did you come to MB? How can we help?

As a WS, I used to be very adamant about ensuring that BS see their WS in "proper perspective". But I've learned that the BS has to go through a lot of processes to get to where they can. Just like the WS has to go through a lot before they can truly appreciate the damage they've caused. Those processes can seem offensive to us WSs sometimes, but you have to admit that our withdrawal processes have to be much worse for them. They are struggling. They are here for help.

The reality is that neither WS nor BS can ever really appreciate what the other is going through. (there are some exceptions here who've been on both sides of the fence)

We need to get to the point where we can "hear" what is being said even if we can never truly understand it.

So share your story onlywords...there will be many here to listen.

Low

I see that you are Recovering H's FWW...

You are still very welcome here.. You will receive support from everyone here who is serious about recovering their marriage.

There are other FWS's here who've been through what you are going through.

Low

Low,
Thanks for noticing...seems like such a small thing, but it means a lot. I guess you nailed it...I do feel angry and defensive. It's my major method of protecting myself. I'd much rather feel angry than hurt...that's why I do it. Maybe when I have more time I'll post my side of the story. Thanks again.

OnlyWords

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess you nailed it...I do feel angry and defensive. It's my major method of protecting myself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you thought about what you are protecting yourself from? RH may be angry and upset about what you have done, but he's not your enemy and you don't need to be protected from him.

Only by lowering your shields and showing remorse and humility will you be able to start towards recovery. Think about what you have done. Does RH have a right to be angry? Sure he does. Knowing that makes it easy for you to allow him to express it. You cannot defend the indefensible.
Own your actions, acknowledge your error. Don't expect him to get over it overnight. It's going to take time. You've got to toughen up a bit and get in it for the long haul.

At the same time, you have every right to express your needs to him. It will be tempting on your part to think that you don't deserve to ask anything of him because of what you did, but that's not true. The consequences of suppressing your voice about these needs are devastating to a marriage.

Speak to him in terms of how you are feeling...not in terms of what he is doing wrong or what he needs to change.

If you are having trouble finding the words to express yourself, go to your H with what you've got and ask him to help you put words to it. My wife did this naturally and I found it truly helpful. She is orally gifted <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and could often help me verbalize things.

As far as your feelings about the OM. They will fade with time and NC. Takes a while for the chemical soup to clear. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of that relationship. Don't expect too much from your H in the way of sympathy. Good IC is very helpful here.

Good luck,
Low

Good work, Low. You have my respect and admiration.

Onlywords - I haven't read your posts. But the mere fact that you're here speaks volumes. It's better to be here and angry than not here at all!

WAT

onlywords: you can also try visiting the reclamation forum here, specifically for WS:
forum for WS

Low:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As a WS, I used to be very adamant about ensuring that BS see their WS in "proper perspective". But I've learned that the BS has to go through a lot of processes to get to where they can. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">actually, I've noted this change in your posts and thought it was fascinating to see you write about it today...but I should also add that I've always enjoyed reading your posts...even when it was a bit more...hmmm...challenging for me as a BS in early recovery last year... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

even though your words were blunt, you always shed a lot of light on the reality of the situation...reading your words helped me understand that it was indeed a process, not personal...

hope things are going well for you and your W these days...take care...awed

<small>[ June 09, 2004, 08:37 PM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>

..I do feel angry and defensive. It's my major method of protecting myself. I'd much rather feel angry than hurt...that's why I do it.

This defensiveness comes at a cost....

your health.

Life is filled with hurt. I've not yet met anyone who has led a hurt-free life. It's part of the package.

I'm praying you can find a way to experience your measure of hurt in ways that allow you to love fully.

Life is not worth living without taking risks where we might be hurt.

You can survive the hurt...

I suspect what you are actually defending is your ~pridefullness~ .
Best wishes...

Pep

Low/WAT: Thanks for making this place comfortable for onlywords to be here. I know it was hard for her to finally come around.

Her side of the story is at the end of this link:
Topic: Withdrawal Times?