My WH had a EA for sometime. He still contacts the OW by phone at work almost daily. She lives about 10 hrs away from us and I know he hasn't seen her since Dec. He refuses to give up contact with her. Even though he said she feels it is wrong and he feels it is wrong. He said be patient that was back in Feb. He said he hopes it is just temporary that was back in April.

He truly believes he is not confused. That he knows that we weren't meant to be. That it's not about her. My question to him when he constantly says this is if it's not about her then why can't you stop so we can work on the things that you feel are wrong in our marriage and make things better. I have been doing a really good plan A for several months. I have noticed positive changes that last maybe a week then it goes back to the withdrawl from me.

He feels like there is not point in continuing the marriage since he knows that I am just not what he thought he wanted. I asked well when you leave are you going to be with her? His answer is no I am going to be alone. I ask him do you think you will be happy living alone and raising your son which is my stepson alone again. The poor kid has no good role motel in his life. His mom cheated on his dad and left them both for the man. Now his dad is cheating on me and says he is going to leave me.

I did say wow you must want to leave me so bad he said then why am I still here. He said he wishes he could find a way to make it easy on everyone. I just keep thinking about all the years we have been together. We have been together 6 years and married 3 of them. I keep thinking about all the cards, emails, poems, and words he said to me. How he made me feel so loved and special. How could he now say we weren't meant to be. It makes our love seem like nothing. Like I wasted all these years. I feel so low at this moment. I am not really sure of what to do.

It's really hard to do a plan B right now. I help raise his stepson. Do I just leave him and say you find daycare or find someone to watch him? Do I take him with me till he gets someone? I also have a 3 year old son with him. I really don't know what to tell him. His daddy is so much to him. How do you tell a 3 year old when he asks where is daddy or when is daddy coming home that he is not. This is the saddest part for me. My son hurting. Because I know he will. I am also pregnant due in Nov. I had so much hope I thought maybe this baby would bring us closer. Make him realize the mistakes he is making. Now my baby may be born without his father around except for every other weekend or so.

I am so sorry if I sound like I am whinning or something. I just needed to vent. I have little hope left. I am running out of strength because everytime he contacts her it just throws everything back in my face. And makes me realize he cares more about her than me. What do you do when your WS truly believes you weren't meant to be and she is not the problem???? Do I just go to plan B??? I really need some advice

Reading your post, I feel horrible for you. This must be sheer hell day in and day out.

Sweetie, you HAVE to try Plan B. What choice are you left with ? You've been in Plan A how long ? It seems your H has gotten pretty comfy with the idea of staying in his marriage, and having the comfort of the OW just a phone call away.

It's so clear that she's not meeting ALL his EN or else he'd be LONG gone by now, children, no children, he'd walk that walk, and he hasn't.

I know you have your reasons for not being able to go into Plan B but I don't see any other choice.

This is causing you pain day in and day out, are you willing to live your life this way and leave the decision making up to HIM?

You're in the M too ! You have feelings, self respect, unconditional love, and a lot of patience. Please.... take care of YOU and your children. Pray, and really think about the Plan B.

I'm praying for you.

Do you want things to change?

If you do, you need to change something yourself.

Your H is happy as a clam with the status quo. 2 delicious women desire him. He's content with this.

So, unless you are willing to make a change, even a scary change.... you then surrender all your power to your husband's desires. He gets to have 2 women adore him because his wife was too afraid of plan B.

What do you want to change? How about getting yourself a plan. You could call the Harleys and get their advice. It's expensive, but cheaper than a divorce.

Pep

Sad, I feel your pain. My WH continues to say it isn't about him and OW, it is about us. I feel that I have changed (or am changing), but it hurts nonetheless.

We have a few more years invested in this, but feel that we are at the same point. However, when I ask him if he hadn't met OW, would we be in this place ... both of us contemplating divorce, he says no.

The only thing I can say is continue to read and post. I don't have any words of wisdom, or I wouldn't be in the same place as you.

SadMarylandLady - My heart goes out to you. We are in very much the same situation. My WH doesn't think talking to the OW still is a problem and it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he doesn't want to be with me any more, he just wants to be alone. I too am pregnant and also live in Maryland! I have no idea what plan I am in since WH moved out last month.

I really don't have any advice but I just wanted to say hang in there and take care of yourself and that baby.

I am moving towards a plan B in the near future. I am working everything out in my head first. And I am working on a good Plan B letter at the moment. I was really hoping to work things out with him but I can see he is not going to do anything until I make it clear I am not going to put up with this anymore.

I was going to leave tonight just for tonight and spend it with my parents and I told him this on the phone. He talked to her tonight for atleast a hour at work on the phone. I was hoping he finally told her he wanted no contact to see if we can make this marriage work. He didn't say anything just asked me to please not leave to let him talk to me first.

Kloe I will be praying for you and your husband. It's hurts so much but I know no matter what happens I will make it through. I guess it's just I want to make it with him. Take care of yourself also..Congrats on the baby.. What part of Maryland do you live in?? Frederick here which is about a hour from D.C

I am moving towards a plan B in the near future. I am working everything out in my head first. And I am working on a good Plan B letter at the moment.

Also, because there are kids involved. get some legal advice first too.

Planning this out is VERY good.

Line up all your ducks.

Plan B is NOT about ending your marriage. It is about stopping the ~gut wrenching ongoing pain of continual disrespect~ and the resulting empty love bank.

Post your Plan B letter drafts here and start a new thread when you do.

Pep

He didn't say anything just asked me to please not leave to let him talk to me first.

PS

Do NOT warn him about Plan B.

Continue to Plan A your face off until it's time to make a sudden and unexpected switch to Plan B.

He needs to be KNOCKED off the fence with the unexpected bafflement of Plan B.

He needs to feel love for you ... via Plan A ... and then have you GONE so he knows what he's headed for if he doesn't make up his mind and live a life ... not 2 lives.

Understand?

Pep

Pep
I do understand plan B and I really think it will surprise him because I don't think he really believes I will leave. I was just going to leave for tonight because I was so upset and I really didn't feel like seeing him tonight when he came home. I think it will just be more lbing. I am really going to try not to LB but how much is a person expected to take and just act like it doesn't bother them? He will be here soon I really hope his hour drive makes him think about how he is treating me.

SadMDLady - I live in Silver Spring but I go up to Germantown for work quite a bit, not far from Frederick. When things get bad I just think about the baby and that gives me something to smile about and look forward to. Times are hard for both of us, but don't forget to think about the good things sometimes. It helps.

Last night when my hubby came home he did not want to talk. Even though he said he wanted to before he came home. We sat down and watched Lord of the Rings together. Finally he came to bed then he wanted to talk.

Finally he gave me more reasons why he feels like our marriage is not what he wants. He also said you said you wanted to see a MC and said he thinks that would help with our communication problem. Of course I don't know where to start to make sure I am finding a good one. I will have to do some research I guess.

He feels like I don't understand him and he cannot talk to me. That is why he turns to her for that emotional need. And if it is not her he finds something else to do for hours just to ignore me. Currently I am a stay at home mom but I also do so much around here. He wants me to get a part time job. Not for the money but so he can have time alone with the kids without my influence. I don't mind getting a job but I don't want to work on Sat and Sun the only days I get to spend with my family as a family. I feel we need to come to some kind of compromise.

He also feels like everything he trys to say about the kids I feel differently. And he just says whatever and gives in to what I want. One thing is he feels his son who is 8 should be able to cook and stuff in the kitchen even though he never has used the stove in his life. I feel if I'm there why would he even need to use the stove. He said to learn independance. I told him last night maybe his son could help me cook sometimes if he wants to and learn before he trys to do it himself. I said it's about compromise when we disagree on something not your way or no way or my way or no way.

He said we feel so differently on many subjects and those are the main reasons why he feels like maybe this marriage won't work. He says it's not about her. I feel though to work on these problems he is saying then she has to be completely out of the picture because I cannot handle her in his life in anyway. She is like a mountain between us and until that mountain is gone we are stuck. He said I am putting my anger in the wrong place.

I am going to try to stop asking about her and when I know he called her I am going to act like it doesn't bother me. I think the more I say stuff about the more I ask him to stop contact. The more determined he is not to stop just to say I cannot tell him what to do or force him to stop. I wish I knew a good book on communication. Because I know if I could make this area better in our relationship he would be so much happier.

I feel this is a step towards getting to our real problems. I know it will take time and hard work and I am willing to do it. I just hope he is that it is not to late.

If the affair is still going on, you may want to wait to get a job. It could be a ploy for him to get you back to work to have to pay less child support. He would then have you out of the house X # of hrs when he could contact OW.

My other thought here is to make a list of all household duties, I mean all pick up, sort, wash, dry, fold put away clothes-each step, a lot of men can't figure out how much we do. Heck, when I was working full time, I couldn't believe what I started doing around the house that just never got done. Once you have the list, then figure out how much you are going to work and ask him to pick out 30% of the sork he will do. You'll see how fast he rethinks this. Sure-you go off to work and just do ONE MORE THING!! He needs to pitch in too. JMHO

Just a quick post--your H is still in the fog of the A. In fact, he is still in the A fully. Contact on the phone as he is doing keeps the A going.

I know, my situation was similar to yours. After d-day contact in one way or another went on for 2 years! When I would discover it I would either Plan B or try to work it out with him. The ONLY time it really worked was when I, in my heart, knew I couldn't even respect myself if I let the contact continue while I was giving everything I had to making the M work.

Finally counseled with Steve Harley and H put together a NC plan. What do you know, suddenly all the talk about our M being bad, our being too different, not being in love with me, not about OW but him still talking to her---GONE!

This happened over a period of time, but I honestly believe that the WS's that don't go NC right after D-day need some serious doses of reality.

Counseling WILL NOT work until the A is over and NC is established. Believe me, he won't really be working on the M, just rationalizations of how even a counselor can't help your M improve. Do NOT waste your time and money, unless it is with the Harley's to help the A end.

One more thing, see an attorney to make sure you protect your assets and child support now. It doesn't mean you have to divorce, but with knowledge comes power. I told mine almost 4 years ago and it turned him pale as a sheet when reality hits. He stands to loose a great deal more than just his wife.