Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,929
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,929
We are stuck again in a cycle. This is how it's been for the past several months:

Things go GREAT for a few weeks. Then I hit a down period. Usually sparked by a trigger (triggers are there every day but every few weeks they really trip me up) and then I get sad, then angry. I try to talk to H and things go OK as long as I have "my head on straight." Meaning analyzing what I am feeling, L'il Miss Rational full of pyscho-babble and all that stuff. But it usually slips into where I get REALLY emotional.

Note: I am famous for using my head to shut off my emotions. Been doing it my whole life. I am working HARD on trying to STOP that so that I can process all these emotions, and hopefully in the end diffuse them, so they don't resurface.

So, when I get to the point where I get really emotional, he stops listening. It starts as subtle as his body language. He shifts his body away from me as soon as he gets uncomfortable with the conversation. I have to admit, as soon as that happens, I know he is ready to get defensive, frustrated, etc. and I turn mean. Sarcasam is my favorite course of action. I heard somewhere that sarcasm is pain with an angry mask on. So,of course, you know where that gets us. NOWHERE.

And unfortuantely, with our schedules, work and kids; our discussions usually don't start until evening and when these episodes happen, it's late.

He ends up getting more angry about the time and defensive about my feelings, and I get more sarcastic and mean.

I KNOW the pattrn. We have talked about the pattern.

I have admitted that at these times I am full of righteous indignation. Everything I say is full of it! He complains about it being really late (usually by then, it's early AM hours) and I get angry b/c his most "romantic" meetings with SOW were early morning hours. How insulting to me!!! He can spare some sleep for her, but not ME???

How can I control what I feel and when I feel it and how strongly I feel it??? Sometimes conversations start and I have NO IDEA how emotional I will end up.

I am reaching a turning point, I feel. This weekend was another monthly session of the above situation. Today, I feel disconnected from myself. I am shutting down again. I shut down before several years ago in the M b/c I felt that I was only accepted and loved when I was happy. I am starting to feel this way again.

Things are great, as long as I don't mention the dreaded A. Well, let me amend that to say, if I do mention it, I need to be "all thinking," spouting off all that I have learned from my reading and posting....but if I put too much emotion into it - there's trouble.

I am starting to take real little things personally now too. Today is the 12th anniversary of our first date. He wrote me a letter apologizing (again) for the events of the weekend. Nice - yes, but he DATED it wrong. June 16th. HUH??? Ok, I know - guys aren't good with dates.

Is it me??? Am I wrong to need to be really angry and hurt and show him that? Am I wrong to feel he needs to sit there and "take it" and be supportive and accepting of my pain? I am in this place and I never asked to be put here. I had no say in these turn of events, yet I feel I am the one left to "handle it."

*sigh* I don't know what to do next.

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 07:37 PM: Message edited by: Fraggles ]</small>

Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 106
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 106
Hey Girlfriend,
I am so sorry that you are still having such a hard time. I know how you feel with the ups and downs. It seems that eventually it will just wear us down. I posted a thread a few days ago on whether or not we ever truly regain respect for our WH. Just something that I have been wrestling with lately. Some good replies and a resounding yes was the answer. I think this is a big problem for both of us.

I know that you want your marriage to work. For both of us I believe that we have all of the information from our WH's. We just are having a hard time processing it and putting it away. My H and I had a similiar conversation just last night, he was becoming angry for the "rehashing" and I was just looking for validation of my feelings. He asked me "Do you ever want to get past this? How many more times do I need to say I am so sorry and I am committed to you?" I answered "I guess until I truly believe it and feel safe again."

I realized this AM that I need to believe in myself and forge my own security. I can't keep punishing him for this if I want to stay married.
I believe that you want to stay married and you will never be able to make sense of what happened.
Nothing can change the past and if you want him in your future you (and definitely I) need to manage our anger better. I, like you get mean and very sarcastic when we tread in rough water. But the only outcome is the same from him. Nothing is accomplished and I am left feeling hurt, insecure and very depressed. We can take control of these outbursts. With practice perhaps we can even learn to reconcile some of them ourselves and prevent alot of these rehashing discussions. The information will not change, the A will not go away. All we can do is see the H before us and decide if this is the person we want to remain married to - scars and all. Cut yourself some slack and take a vacation from all this bullshi*!!!

You are so strong and even though we are still riding the rollarcoaster, the ride is definitely slowly down.
Hang in there,

Bummed

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,929
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,929
Thanks girlfriend!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I just cannot stand this. I don't get mean & sarcastic until I feel I am being rejected or he gets aggravated. I guess I want his threshold for being my outlet to be superhuman?

You know how it feels to have all this sh*t inside you. I hate it.

I have been thinking about going away for a weekend by myself. I have a GFin Ottawa and she has been wanting me to visit. Sometimes I wish I could just get a shore house for a month with the kids and sort all this crap out alone on the beach. If anyone has about 5 or 6 grand they could lend me for it, I'd appreciate it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Where is the fine line between "stuffing" my feelings and expressing them in a manner that won't get me where I am every freakin' month?

My IC says, Express them in counseling. But, in my mind, how will H truly know the depths that this has affected me if I hide it or express it elsewhere??

GGGRRRRR....I haven't watched TV since Dday. TV was one of my escapes pre-A. All I wanted to do today was veg in front of the tube. (I resisted by cleaning and laundry until 9pm) Now all i want to do is go see how Eveyrone Loves Raymond ended.

*sigh* again. thanks for your reply bummed. I think of you everyday!! Can I come visit you? Or maybe we can go somewhere for a weekend getaway! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Well, tomorrow is another day.

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,929
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,929
Well, it's tomorrow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

H was at a ballgame last night until well after midnight w/ his dad and our s. (rain delay)

I went to sleep before he got home (purposely so that I wouldn't end up keeping him up all night.) Well, that backfired. I woke up around 2am from a nightmare. One of those that totally effects your whole physical self - heart beating like mad out of my chest.

He woke up. I couldn't get back to sleep. I came down to the computer. He followed me down. We talked for a bit. I really wasn't in the mood to talk. I was still feeling very detached. I was level-headed, calm etc. Didn't make me feel any better though. I would have preferred if he had stayed in bed. I asked him to go back to bed - he had work this AM. We ended up in the living room, TV on, me on one couch, him on the other falling asleep about 4:30 - 5AM.

I woke at 9am. He was long gone to work. I still feel detached.

Watched a movie with kids this AM on HBO, then took them to see Harry Potter. I am just running, trying to occupy my mind.

Not feeling any better. I hope this doesn't last for long.

Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 106
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 106
No better today, huh??
Well lets try for tommorow. This will pass and you WILL feel better. Try to remember this is a cycle and a long road to travel.

I found out from H last night that he had been trying to plan a suprise B-day party for me. Last summer my 40th went by without so much as a cake. But he was busy with his whor*!!!!
He tried to plan for the 4th of July weekend but to many of our friends were going to be gone so he decided to just plan something else but wanted to tell me about it anyways. I guess I should be grateful that he is thinking about me. But the evil me is thinking - wow - all are friends know he was screwing around last summer and what a great guy to try to make up for it this year. No thanks!!! He says he has an alternate plan - and my evil twin just thinks more disappointment.
Oh well, maybe he will surprise me.

Oh what a wonderful life!!!

You can definitely come visit me. Michigan is beautiful right now and I make a mean long island iced tea. Who cares that you get mean and sarcastic when you drink. I'll just laugh with you!!!!

Love,
Bummed

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,929
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,929
I know it'll pass. I am just going to get frustrated looking at H's hang-dog look until it does. I am trying to not fall for it and start to feel bad for him and guilty that I need some space.

And tonight I have a BAN Group meeting. Not sure if that'll be too good for me. I have to go - it's a newly formed group and I have met the moderator and she is counting on as many people as she can get to come. Maybe I will get some good out of it.

Michigan...hmmmmm. LOL

I have been searching online for a monthly rental for maybe August at the beach. Just dreaming but maybe it'll be worth the $$$$ to be away from here for part of the summer...

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,929
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,929
It's tomorrow again.
I feel a bit better.

The BAN meeting was good. Just like here, it's good to be able to relate to people in the same sitch, but at different phases.

Although on the way to the meeting, who do I pass on the road??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> It NEVER fails that when I am at my lowest, I see the SOW. So I shook for most of the drive. Furious, hurt...flip flopping between crying and screaming! I'm nuts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I hate being in my neighborhood. I hate trying to live and move around here and the chance sightings just freakin' make me a wreck. Madder at myself that it still affects me this way.

Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 4
R
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
R
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 4
Hello fraggle,
I hope it's okay that I write you. I just started in this thing so bear with me okay? My wife had an affair a little over a year ago. Almost destroyed me. But God has seen fit to redeem me, and us. He has worked miracles in our lives in a relatively short time. He will in yours too! Just talk to Him all the time, and trust Him, really trust Him. He is in control!
Sam


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 100 guests, and 56 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
cbm800, Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux, I.P.
71,728 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,546
Posts2,322,790
Members71,729
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5