The sparrow just called. She is looking at apartments but has run out of places to stay and needs to stay at the house tonight.

I do not know how to be around her. I need advice. The last time I saw her, she said she wanted to get divorced and admitted the continuation of the A. I'm very nervous.

GC

Read up on LBs.

DON'T LB.

Follow her lead - if she wants to talk, listen. If she has questions, answer. If she gives you the cold shoulder, allow her some space.

But for heaven's sake DON'T LB!!!!

The reason my H is with me instead of OW is because she LB'd first. That's when the fog started clearing.

Maybe you could pretend like this is a first date. Try and make a good impression but don't make any moves that would scare her away. Maybe somebody else could offer more insight. I am not sure what would be too much.

Here are some things, some of which are not LBs in a healthy marriage, that I plan to avoid.

* Starting conversations and asking questions.
* Following her around.
* Demonstrating how positively sh***y I feel, unless she asks.
* Getting angry or even being short or snotty in the slightest. No "So, how's OM?" kinda stuff.
* Offering her things like dinner or help getting herself set up.

Mainly I just have to let her set the tone of everything I guess, and not rise to any bait or react to things she says.

OTOH, she might just stay away until she's ready for bed, show up, and go to sleep.

If she wants to talk divorce and money, should I accommodate her or tell her I'm not ready to talk about it yet? I eventually want to tell her I want all the equity in the house and want to refinance for the outstanding principal, but I haven't worked it out with a broker yet. Plus, I am not in a good state emotionally to talk about that kind of thing most of the time. Least of all with her.

I guess I just have to be cool and nice.

GC

Try your best to be confident and comfortable. Do not come across sad,, angry,, hurt.. Do not try to show her a man who is tore up, instead show her a man of good will and care,, one that she would know it would kill her to lose. Listen to her, but do so with care and with confidence,, if she threatens divorce I would tell her, "look I love you very much and I want to be with you but if you truly feel that way then I just want to move on" Dont fuel the fire and dont go through extreme measures to impress her,, set the stage that it is the woman you love and you are there to help her. She has to see you in a different light not as the man she has hurt. Let her see the man she first married. JMO

Graycloud -

My first thought is that if you are not in a good place emotionally, than perhaps your should leave for the night and not be around her. It will be pretty hard for you to be light and carefree, from what I have read on your posts, unless by some miracle the AD's have really kicked in, and if they have...

Then I would try to be so light & adorable that you will have her laughing and enjoying your company, like someone else said, a first date.

If you can't do that, I would definately get out of there.

Weaver

Weaver, you might be right. But I don't want to run away. OTOH maybe that would be the thing that makes her most comfortable. But she has made a special point of not seeing me at all in the last two weeks, and I think I can handle this. I have to pick up a friend at the airport at 9:30, so if things get to be too much for me I have that excuse to leave anyway. I can always scurry off to a friend if I find I can't deal with her.

GC

Well ok then...keep your wits about ya.

Will be wishing for the best for you tonight.

Weaver

Well, the sparrow is here. She had a glass of wine (no drinking for gray while on meds) and we made small talk for a little while. I was relaxed and cheerful. She asked how I was sleeping and said she's pretty strung out. I described my Ambien regimen a little. There were silences. She said, "This house is cute," and I told her I want to keep it. She said, "I know" - must have talked to MIL last night. She asked how I'd manage it and I told her I haven't figured that out yet. After a while she said she wanted to lie down. I'd washed some sheets, so I said I'd go make up the bed. She said "you don't have to do that," and I shrugged and went up and made the bed. I don't think we'll talk much more. The wall is kind of up, but she seems sad and sorry for what's happening. What a dumb waste. Thanks to everybody for giving me confidence. Tonight I'm strong. I'm just glad to see her. I know she doesn't intend to change her mind, but I'm not angry at her right now; I feel sorry for her.

GC

Graycloud,

I have been following your story for a while and I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and your situation. I hope you get through this tonight and there isn't a set back for you.

Take care.

GC,

Just read your post and have been in your exact shoes...and guess what? It worked out. Please take comfort in that we are all pulling for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

She asked how I was sleeping and said she's pretty strung out.

Translation: "I'm not happy. I'm a mess."

(This is an opening- an opportunity for you to say something like:

" You are having a bad time..."

And then listen, show empathy.)

She said, "This house is cute,"

Translation: "I like/miss this place/(you). I have been roaming around lost. I want to come home."

You say: "You don't have to leave."

After a while she said she wanted to lie down.


Translation (unless I am mistaken): "Please come and hold me. I'm scared. I feel lost."

I know she doesn't intend to change her mind,

You don't know that. She probably doesn't know what she wants either.

I think she is having second thoughts.

Shul
(praying for you) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks guys. I hope there are no setbacks too. Every time there's a crack in that wall it just seals right up again. She's back from apartment hunting and asked me if I'm going out (I told her earlier I might), and I said no, and she grabbed a few morsels of food, headed for the stairs, and closed the door behind her. Hiding out. Must stay backed off, I reckon.

GC

A few minutes ago I heard her phone ring. She came out to the porch and said, "I'll be back in a little while." I thought she was going to see OM, but she walked away with two bags and left her car here. I think he's lurking around in his car and she's going to meet him.

GC

Graycloud,

I hope you are ok this morning. Don't know if your wife came back last night. I assume she did because you did not come back on here.
I know this has to be incredibly painful for you.

Weaver

I feel just like Shul,,, she has displayed some behavior of a woman reflecting on her life,,, seeing you might have hurt her she may need a "fix" her choice of drug could be OM. Act on her behavior it definately sounds to me that she is not ready to let you go.

Morning folks.

Last night, an hour after the sparrow walked off, a car pulled up and she got out and came inside and went to bed. Right under my nose. She seems to think that because she said the D word this is not borderline behavior, but at the same time she didn't have the guts to have him just swing by and pick her up. I won't get down in the dirt and dignify this by even acknowledging it aloud. She knows I know who she went with last night. I'm just trying to remain calm and strong. I wish I could reach out to her, but I know she has to either get it straight on her own or else live in the dirt forever. It's time to get a bowl of popcorn and watch the show. I'm still open to her, but I'm also beginning to feel like my heart is protected.

With all the sneaking and secrecy, this is really very much like a drug addict's behavior.

I agree that she seems to be reflecting on her life and that she is punishing me for the small ways I've hurt her. But I can't reach out to her, and I'm very careful, maybe too careful, about the way I respond when she does talk to me a little bit.

GC

Hi Graycloud,

I am so sorry you are going through this. You seem like a very intuitive man. I hope it gets better but I do not think you should allow this to go on too long with other man picking her up at your place and she not showing you any consideration. I feel so bad for your pain.

Graycloud,

She hasn't been involved with him very long. she has made some rash decisions and by now she might be wanting to come back, but her pride and hurt feelings guilt and fog might be getting in the way.

She isn't living with him which is a good thing.

She might not even want him, just she is upset at issues in the marriage , feeling sorry for herself.

She might need you to let her know that you understand, and you are willing to listen and sort this out together, if she wants.

No condemnation, that you see she is unhappy and you are sorry for your part in that, and you want to know what you can do to make things better between you.

I know you are still very hurt, but try not to talk about things as if it is over and you have moved on. Let that be for now, and just be a friend to her.

She needs to know you haven't rejected her, in spite of what she has been doing. That this is fixable.

Yes you are hurt, confused, but you care about her and want to understand how she is feeling, you are ready to listen...


Let this be about her, dont bring up your own needs right now, or feelings.

Shul