We've had a terrible marriage from our wedding night on. Both committed Catholics, both children of parents and grandparents where one spouse was dominant, we carried on a legacy of conflict and abuse. On December 17, 2001, 12 days after I had extensive pelvic surgery which included a hysterectomy, my H told me that he was concerned that this woman from work might call him to wish him a Merry Christmas, I threatened to call her, and he punched me and broke my arm. I was back in the same hospital three weeks after the original surgery for the first of three surgeries on a bone broken in seven pieces. Four months later, still going to hand therapy, I called this woman's husband and two weeks after that the husband told me that his wife had admitted to an affair. I revealed both abuse and affair to family and friends, and my family said they would never see him no matter what.
Nearly two years of hysteria later, which included a harassment order against me from this woman, I sat my husband down, said I was ending marriage counseling immediately, and said we could try MarriageBuilders or not -- his choice. He chose to try it because in his words it was "pretty obvious" what would happen if he didn't.
The Marriage Builders experience has been frustrating, but then I think that he felt dragged into it. The key part of the program, which is the first assignment given, is that you spend 15 hours alone each week with your spouse every week for the rest of your marriage. Eighteen weeks into the program, we still hadn't made that 15 hours, and I gave an ultimatum -- meet those hours, or I divorce you. Next question was how about 14.5? Response was that if we only get to 14.5 it shows a lack of priority on our marriage and I divorce you.
I have come to realize that there are two things I need in order to stay married. The first is from the heart. I need my emotional needs met. High up there on the list for me is sexual fulfillment, which is part of why the affair hurt so much and why I was willing to try to reconcile even after a broken arm. The second is from the head. He needs to be committed to caring for me. That means we spend time together (and I use Harley's 15 hours as the minimum) and we follow the POJA (we find win-win solutions to everything).
What does he want from me? At this point, he says I was a terrible wife, too, and he needs his needs met, too. I want to meet his needs but not at my expense. I want to find win-win ways of meeting needs. He can't have sex with me and then go golf unless there is a way for golf to be positive for me. (I can't golf due to medical problems.)
He told me just a few days ago that he isn't sure he can be happy married to me. He wants to golf, he wants to watch football on TV, and he wants to run. I see all of these as win-lose unless we can try to find a way to have them win-win, like his suggestion that he run while I bike or we watch football as a family. It requires effort to make things win-win.
The problems in our marriage were a lot deeper than he made "one mistake" not protecting himself from being attracted to another woman. It's been a terrible lesson for me to learn, but the lesson is that everything each of us does has to work for both of us, and if it doesn't we need to divorce.
Last night, he said I was compelling him to meet 15 hours and follow the POJA. No I'm not. He's got his own decisions to make. I've made mine. These are the conditions for me to remain married to him. That's all.
The wedding vow I made was not to stay married no matter how degraded, neglected, abused, or betrayed I would be. The wedding vow I made was to care for him no matter what the circumstances in our lives. If he is unwilling to care for me, then I need to remove myself.
Happily, we both enjoy sex. In the 20 months following the affair, we had sex perhaps 10 times, and not once in the 9 months leading up to the start of the program. It's an enjoyable way to spend the time alone to count towards the 15 hours.
Do I love him? No, not yet. For the MarriageBuilders program, we take a monthly test that scores our love, and the score on my test has actually fallen quite a lot.
Why? You never can know another's intent, but my take on him is that he is trying to stall -- arguing why the POJA is unreasonably restrictive, trying to shave down the number of hours together, -- and that hurts. What he really wants is a home base and the freedom to do what he pleases. He was very neglectful; in fact, when I threw him out of the house, the children didn't even notice for three days. He also went too far in doing what he pleased, because I would never tolerate an affair. I may forgive one, but that is because our marriage will be so different as a result. At the same time that I see reluctance on his part, I am making myself vulnerable by allowing us to be physical. He has the choice between being divorced and being a husband who is with his wife alone 15 hours a week following the POJA. He does not have the choice to neglect and disregard.
While he is trying to decide which path to take, he needs to follow the path of 15 hours a week together and POJA, or I divorce him. I am hoping that he feels some positive benefit from this way of life long enough to decide to stay married but, if not, if our relationship is not worth that sort of effort and investment, then I know that I would be happier divorced. It takes care to let go, respecting that he has his own decisions to make just like I have mine to make.
Cherished
<small>[ June 18, 2004, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>
