I did deposite in my wives love bank and she still cheated. I would test message, call her bring her flowers, notice new clothes and hair style, even new shoes she bought but she says we still do not have this connection she needs although we have a good friend connection. I would even ask her what do I need to do to improve as a husband or things that make you feel special. She says she likes attention from other men like flirting.She has a low self esteem and at a cross road and does not know what she wants anymore. I get the usual speech. I love you but not in love with you blaa blaa blaa She is still seeing the other guy and wants to separate and for me to get on with my life and maybe we will work out but do not hold to that hope. We did have a lot of financial problem through the years and bankruptcy and made bad decisions that have effected us but we still got along well. She was the one who had the control in the relationship and I would do just about anything she wanted to make her happy but she said that she needed someone to tell her no. The only thing wrong with that is she would push harder. No win situation. We needed more boundaries.I guess love deposits is not enough..Any advice--any one. She wants to separate. she had an affair last year and she put alot of the blame on me. So I read book by Gary Smalley and learned alot and kep the changes
but still in trouble lsu_la@yahoo.com

It's very difficult to make any deposits in the lovebank of the WS. That is part of what makes Plan A so difficult, the BS is the Giver, the WS is the Taker...and in 2 relationships usually.

You can't keep her from separating. You can continue Plan A and sometimes without household tension, Plan A can be a little easier for the BS, because anyone can hold it together for a few hours...but only if she will continue having contact, communication with you.

If she had an affair last year, and now another? It might be time for Plan B. Giving her that "no" she thinks she wants, but not in the way she wants it. No contact with you at all.

You are in a difficult place, but as long as you aren't separated at this point, Plan A may serve you better. However, it is very difficult to Plan A when your spouse leaves for a date. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

What does BS and WS mean.She will still have contact with me and we still talk and can get along well but it is really hard. Other people say do not separate. Is that a really bad idea. I guess if I stay here I can still show her my
love but I can tolerate the infidelity. Her familly does not know yet should they be told about the affair. Last time I told them and it made things worse between us 2.But I feel like I am covering up for her and enabling this stuff. We thought about making the garage into a room and I stay in there but I feel if total separation I could stay out of her business. Separate benefits him and garage benefits me.

Swimming Alone,

FYI:
BS = Betrayed Spouse - cheated on

WS = Wayward Spouse - cheater

Also remember that your Love bank deposits take time to Add up, as your account balance was probably already in the Negative (most likely Big time).
As a result, this process can take a while to have an effect that you can see.
Sorry, NO quick fixes here.

In addition, as Lor mentioned, while still in the A, most of your efforts to Do loving things for her will go unnoticed or at the least unappreciated.
The OP is getting all the credit (for everything) and your deposits never get the chance to be counted.
Or at the minimum it takes ten deposits to get 1 unit of credit. (If that makes sense).

Don't give up yet. Your way too EARLY in the process to even contemplate doing that.
Hang in there and keep coming here.
(Even if only to vent). Do it here and try not to LB (love bust) on her.

Take care

it does get frustrating because she feels like I am smothering her and she feels uncomfortable around me if I do anything nice. I guess this is the best option since the kids will not have to through a separation. It is unfair that the BS seems to have to pay the bigger price and take the high road