Hi, My name is FrankD, D-Day was 01/23/04.28 Yr old WW moves in with 25 yr old OM.He is on 2 yrs probation and a years without a drivers licence. WW and I have a 10 yry old D .She had D dropped off at OM house after school on D day.At first WW kept D and I saw her weekends and wendsdays nights.Since then I have had D 124 nights out of 167 days she has been gone.and most weekends. I have a 21 yr old S and a 16 yr old son from 1st marriage. Which I had coustody of since they were 5 and 9 yrs old. My boys don't talk to WW at all and They were all real close.She helped raised them.She left me a dear john letter on the day she left."I still care but not in love with you"...And moves in with OM "A friend of mine" go figure......He did a weeks house arest the week after WW moved in.

WW does all the driving, in OM car that she supposed to have bought which is in both there names. NOT........ "I checked the glove box and it is in his name only. another one of many lies she tells. OM drives once in awhile illeagaly. He is not allowed to drink and has to be in by 10:00 pm each nite.

On march 10 WW took me to court for child support and they said I had to give her $433.33 a month. OM's ideal, He has 3 kids by 3 differnent W ,He only pays for one.He was never married. WW cancelled child support two days later on the 12th which I payed court cost.I had papers made up at the cost of $350.00 saying we both had sharied custody with her having primary custody.She never sent them in. I gave her $433.00 for the months of April and May......WW knocked it down to $300.00 in June, But I got wise and told WW that I was not going to give it to her and to take me back to CS.WW had D 5 nites in May and 2 nights in June.Now WW gets D during the day while I work and while D was in school.... ( Which WW works there too, In the school).....But half the time I feed D before she go's there . OM had both my phone lines blocked in the end of march so now D could not call mom not unless we use cell phone......Real mature.......I dropped D of one day and WW did not have any thing for my D to eat so D called me to bring her a sandwich. I had just given WW over $500.00 a week earlier.......


I gave my WW a letter from "Love must be tough" on 04/06/2004..2 days later WW starts calling me and small talk happy talk.. Then WW starts lying to OM about me and WW meeting.( for different things ( no contact) She is not allowed to have any contact with me even though we have a kid together.....Then at the end of April WW is having problems with our D not wanting to be there with her......WW called all upset wanting to go to counceling for to help 10 yr old D with coping . That was what I was waiting for . I found a good Cristian C that believes in Reconciling. WW was told that it was only for D.and agreed to go......All of us....she did not tell OM that I would be there......She came the first two times (2 weeks apart) It was good but WW is still in a cloud. WW did tell me that if we got back together she was not going to talk to my sister or my sons because they have had no contact with since she left.. Wedid alot of crying and talking but she still feels she is in love with this jerk. WW tells me that she cares for me because of our D but is inlove with OM. I can't believe she did this to her D they were always so close. OM is more important then life itself. MC told me last week that I still have a chance to get WW back but I need to be cosistant,Consistant,Consistant......She said if WW calls that is fine be real nice and let her know I care with out letting her know???????Do not call WW at all and let her do the calling.....2 weeks ago me and OM had a phone fight and WW and I didnot talk for aweek. I did not call her either.well aweek ago she starts calling again with out OM knowing. Small talk happy talk.....also last week OM's mother found out about mine and my wifes contact but did not tell OM because she does not want them to brake up. A friend I was talking with told her because his mother was talking bad about me......and she wanted his mother know what a lier my WW is and how WW has got them wrapped around her finger...... continue later

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. Sounds like your wife has picked a real winner. I think she will be back soon.

Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my signature line. You will get lots of comfort and support here. We know exactly what you are going through. Weekends are slow, so don't give up.

Frankd
welcome but sorry you are here. MB can help, there are many wonderful people here, believer is a great person to with a lot of commonsense.

As a FWW myself i can say that your WW is living in a life of fantasy and the more you directly attack it the more she will defend it. SO don't. Follow Plan A as set out on this site. From all I have read here it seems to work a lot of the time, but it also seems to take a bit of time, many months, so be aware of it too. Don't expect too much right away it's little slivers of success at a time.

One thing that struck me right away was your description of the WW houshold situation and your child.
Look I may be out of line here but truly I would be concerned for your D going into such a place where you are aware the OM is driving illegally (if that is for speeding or DUI worry more) and to be honest if there isn't even any food for your D over there at times, that is not acceptable for your WW to place your child in such a situation. Anyway you are probably more aware of these things then I am but your description of the situation is worrying.

If you are seeing a lawyer already and your D does not want to go over to see her mom at the OM's house, could you perhaps get sole custody based on this past behaviour and OM's record etc and supervised visits if the OM is around? You know anything which makes it difficult for the WW to live her fantasy is worth considering, but the most important thing is your d safety.
As a mom of 3 I see this abit differently I suppose than just the A issue but better to be safe than sorry.
I hope this hasn't come across as crititism because I know so much is out of your control and that you are doing your best just to keep your head above water so to speak, that takes guts and hard work and you seem to have those.
Keep coming to MB and listen to the many experienced people here, they are helping me day by day. I pray it will work out for you & your family

I read your story, and I wanted to cry. If your daughter is calling for you to get her a sandwich.. that's very sad. WW is not taking care of your daughter very well, and your child comes FIRST no matter what! I think you should go for full custody.. but you guys are legally separated? I don't know much about these things.. if you have shared custody.. you still had to pay for child support? your WW do not work? uhmmm gee.. you have all the dirty end of the deed.

ok now moving on... welcome to MB, it seems like the affair is ongoing, Plan A is the start according to MB, but I'm wondering how you are going to do with Plan A while your wife is going so wild and neglecting so many things. She's definitely in the fog.. (forgetting your child) is part of it. and the "i love you, but no in love with you) Fog talk also.
Key is to always be polite to your WW, its hard, but you going to have to do it... I don't know if you've read Plan A.. you'll find lots of good ideas from there... then there is always going "DARK" for your child its going to be very difficult to go on Plan B.

I wish you luck, and try to get full custody, at least ask your wife if you can take charge of your daughter, she's really going to be affected by this.

I agree with crazedlove, your daughter should have nothing to do with your W's sleazy affair. Who is this man who is now living with your child? Do you know him? Is he a GOOD MAN? An appropriate man to be around your daughter? The OM and his family ARE NOT appropriate adults for your daughter to be exposed to. She shouldn't be uprooted from her home or exposed to this sleazy, sordid living arrangement. Allowing her to go over there only condones the affair and sends her the wrong message.

I would collect your daughter NOW and have your attorneys go for full custody. If you won't protect her from this, NO ONE ELSE WILL. You ARE ALL SHE HAS!

And letting your D go over there only lends an unmerited LEGITIMACY to the sleazy affair and prolongs it. When WS' drag their children into their affairs it is because they are trying to NORMALIZE the affair by using the children as props. Don't let her use your daughter in this way. It only works AGAINST YOU BOTH and allows the affair to go on longer.

If your wife wants to see her, she can come to a neutral place, like your home. [that will enrage the OM!]

In the meantime, I would continue contact with your W as much as possible in order to create conflict in the affair. I think it is on the downswing, but you can help by getting your daughter out of there.

P.S. please don't give her books anymore. Trying to educate an unwilling WS is a lovebuster and only works against you.

<small>[ July 05, 2004, 08:03 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

P.S. I wouldn't give her another penny, either. Making her come to your H to visit your D and withholding her $ will just put more pressure on the affair to end. I suspect she's not long for the road now.

Thanks for the replys. My D is with me all the time for the most part. I just drop her off during the week and OM is not there during the day. I pick up D before he gets home. I did talk to WW about not having food in the house. She told me that D won't even eat off of there plates and she had to go by paper plates and forks . D told her she does not want his jerms.....WW told me that she has food but D does not like waht she has sometimes.Last week my mother was all upset and called WW to ask her how she feels about me...( which was a real big no no) Wife was working across the street from OM house while his friend was there when mom called......WW told mom in front of OM friend that she is in love with OM and wishes I would find some one else... She told MOM that the only reason that she talks with me and meets with me is that she feels sorry fot me and she feels guilty for what she done to me....Now I called WW after my mom told me all this to talk to D and WW said that D was sleeping. We started to talk and I told WW that I know it is over and that mom should not have got involved. I asked about getting the big Divorce and I told WW that we can split it and WW said she can't afford it right now and I said the same. ( I do want to reconcile) but playing the game "AS IF"........WW already told me that about OM they all say that.I told MC about what my mom said and she to thought it was a bad ideal. So now I am going to keep mom out of it....WW lets our D make up her mind on who she wants to be with.I think WW know D is better off here with me and she feels sorry for me to........D likes seeing mom but she don't like OM ......D ignores him.....My WW was a very good mom to our D and very close I don't understand how a Man can come between that...........We have no support issues with the state......She dropped that and now I don't give WW any money any more .I did go halfs for Tennis shoes last saturday.WW took her and we splitt it.That I will do........


When I talk to WW on the phone I am very sincere and nice .I let her know that I care and she can call me anytime she wants. I always tell her to be safe and to take care.....I do not tell her I Love her......( I did slip last week at the end of phone call...Habits are hare to brake)I agree with her and put a positive on everthing she say's . I even ask her advice on small matters.I figure you have to be friends before you can become lovers..........So I will listen and try not to call her........Buy the way WW did unblock one of my phone lines last month................I do a lot of praying to God and I think everthing happens for a reason in LIFE .........thank you for a wonderful site.........

frank, I am confused why you feel its a bad idea for your mother to speak about her discontent to your W? Why should your W be protected from the bad feelings of family members? Of course she should be confronted about her actions. There is absolutely no reason that your family should SHUT UP in order to accommodate the sleazy behavior of your W. The worst thing you can do is try and protect her from bad feelings about this horrible thing she has done.

And I would assert again that it is terrible for your daughter to be exposed to this sleaziness. She knows what is going on there and taking her there is the same as condoning it. Nor are there any guarantees that the OM won't be around. Who will protect her from him? It is not uncommon for children to become victims of molestation in situations like this, it happens all the time.

And I also think it would place great pressure on their affair if you refused to allow your daughter to enter such an sleazy sitution. I do believe that your W is trying to normalize her affair by using your daughter in this way. It would also cause great conflict in the affair if she was forced to come to your house to see her.

Please take steps to withdraw your D from this sordid mess, Frank. You are her father and the ONLY one who can protect her right now. She has no one else.

My D is in C for this and D does know of my intentions for reconciling. I don't want to do that to my D. I don't know what to do to tell you the truth.......I still love this women and I am praying that we can work this out. I think my D knows that this is not right and so does my WW. That is the reason D is with me most of the time.......I think my wife is very confused right know and does not know what she wants.......My D ask me all the time will I still take WW back, and I tell D that yes I still love mommy and would take her back at the moment.........But I told D that if it don't come to be that I gave it my all...............How long does this take and how long should you try..............