Well, after A was discovered, my H decided he needed to move out. I think it was guilt, shame and he thought we could not work it out. He seems sad, lonely, and upset. He says he loves me and misses me and the life we had. However, he does not talk to me about what he wants to do. He thinks the best thing is to stay away away because he has caused me to much trouble and sadness. He is not sure if he is meant to be married, because "how could I have done this to the best person in the world", meaning me. We have always been best friends, no major fighting or anything throughout our 4 years of marriage. He is resigning from his job, because that is where he met the OW and she is still there. He says he will probably move home(6hrs away) to figure out what he wants and get his head on right. I am not sure what he wants or what he feels. He seems very lost, lonely, etc.. He is not saying anything at all about OW, that he wants her and they love each other. he says that he is not sure about anything. He seems very depressed and I am not sure what else to do. I do not know if he is continuing seeing her outside of work or not. He is staying with a friend on his couch, I know that for sure, I live only one mile away and know him as well so know that he is there. I just do not know how to get him to try to stay here with me and start over. He seems that he is so guilt ridden, and feels he has hurt me to much to start over. I try to convince him otherwise but he does not see it that way. HELP.

I never can understand this kind of WS. First they destroy the BS with their affair, and then they further twist the knife, "out of great guilt," of course, by leaving the BS! Instead of trying to repair the damage he caused, he causes further harm so he can accommodate his guilt. I guess I don't get it!

Do you really think he has ended his affair with the OW? I would find this out first, because you really need to know this in order to proceed.

Is the OW married? Has her H been told?

P.S. A good book that would help you tremendously is Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley. You can buy them on this website and they have very fast shipping.

I would read everything you can about Plan A and just do the best Plan A you can for right now. But its real important that you find out if the affair is still going on.

Here is a link that explains Plan A.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

I am not sure if the A is over or not. H works at a resort/club and she is out there all of the time, so I know they at least see one another. Not sure about other contact because he is not home. Yes, she is married and I have not told her H yet. I want to wait until my H gets out of that job because of our financial situation. I really think her H knows what she does and does not care. This has been an ongoing thing with this woman. I plan on telling the other H once my husband is out of the job. I hope that is in the next week, but then he says he is going home. So I am not sure what to do. I just do not want to cause him to be fired, and us have no way to pay bills, which will be more stress. It is a weird situation.

I have HIS Needs/Her Needs and have started reading it. I understand plan A as well, but with him out of the house and just communicating a couple of times a day by phone and seeing each other one-two times a week it is hard. He is just not saying a lot. He seems remorseful, and he is not saying what I have read here that a lot say, that they want the ow or love the ow. He has not said that. he says he is not sure why it happened, he says I did nothing wrong and I am the best wife anyone could ask for. That is what is hard. He is just not giving me anything.

Love, the best you can do right now is stay away from lovebusters and dig around to find out what is going on. I suspect he is still having an affair. That is most often why they move out.

And that is why it is so important for you to tell her H. And maybe the H doesn't care, but it would put pressure on the affair to end. How long do you think this affair has been going on?

lovetoomuch...

take control of the phone contacts...

let him call you..
quit calling him...

keep the phone conversations light and upbeat..
no relationship talk...but say things like..

"I hope you are doing well..
I hope you eating right and taking care of yourself..

I worry about you

I wonder how you are sleeping these days...."

YOU end the conversations first...

show him that it is safe for him to be around you without every encounter being about the affair or the pain..
oh the pains there...but he can't look at it right now...and uses that to avoid conflict..

don't let him..

invite him somewhere with lots of other people..
a movie
somewhere without a lot of chance for relationship talk and just spend some time together....

movie is a good idea..
meet him there
leave him there after..
just a movie......

build on these type of things.....

when he tries to talk relationship believe little at this point and babble back...

things like...

mmmmmm......
I see
interesting.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

commit to nothing
do not support him moving away...but do not power struggle it...

also drop the hint that YOU went somewhere did something alone that suprises him...
takes the focus on little old him and all his ways...and makes him realize you are NOT home pining for him..

get his attention...
batt those eyes..
do the hair flip...(duck if melody is doing the hair flip though)..you know the girlie hair flip....

leave him wanting more
you leave
you end phone calls..
you take control....
you back off..let him come see and or get yOU..

also mel is right...find out if the affair has ended....
ark

<small>[ July 09, 2004, 07:40 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

ark, I think I have tried a lot of what you suggested. I know at times I get weak and break down. I will try to be stronger and do a lot of what you noted.

I think the affair has been going on at least since March. I know they were in NY together at that time. A lot of phone conversations and seeing each other at work, but also met at places a few times during the day.

I will try to see if the affair is going on. Not that I know and he is not coming home, it is tough to see. Before I could just tell from his actions, now I have nothing to go on. I do have a contact at his work ,but she says she has not seen a lot. I will have to do more searching.

so are saying you have been in plan a for two weeks??

Not long enough...

need a longer time
with consistancy....

and a limit to go to plan b

ark

Ark. What do you mean by "and a limit to go to plan B". I guess I have been in plan A, but he is not in the house, so it is hard to do all of what is considered plan A when he is not there and all we do is see each other a few times a week and have phone contacts. He does call two-three times a day to check on me. I do not know if that is to see where I am because he is doing something he should not or just he is truly worried about me.

Like they say here, trust nothing that they say, and only half of what you see. I think he may be continuing the A. Notify the husband next week. They always claim the spouse does not care. That is usually because they do not know.