One of the things my WW told me yesterday is that even if her A doesn't pan out, it's unlikely she'll want to come back to the M. I know I'm supposed to dismiss this as fogese, but lots of WSs must find this to be the easiest solution when an A goes sour, even when the BS has worked hard.

Other BSs must have experienced this. I guess this is "exit affair" vs. "replacement affair" territory. My WW seems to be telling me that hers is an exit affair.

GC

and she'll be the one that will have 2 live with that decision, won't she?

I don't think she'll be thinking the same way in a year or 2. But if she does, she wasn't the kind of woman you wanted for a W after all, was she?

best,
-ol' 2long

Hi Graycloud,

Don't give up the "ship"! This is the time that you've REALLY got to believe in plan "A".

Know the Plan, work the Plan, BE the Plan...and pray like he// that the "fog" clears.

Remain strong my friend, and believe (really believe) that that your marriage can be saved.

I will remain in plan A and believe in it. She changed right before my eyes yesterday, though that may not stick.

2long, I have thought many times about what you said. Under the circumstances, requiring the right "feelings" this very minute in order to want to preserve her marriage - if that remains the sparrow's policy - makes the sparrow not at all serious about being a married person. I just love her too much to look forward to replacing her, warts and all.

Yesterday she invited me to educate her and I tried to do it while trying not to sound like I was trying to convince her to come back. I remained as neutral as I could. I left out the stuff about how history shows that she and OM have only a tiny chance of having a future together, and that if she chooses to D me she'll more than likely regret it very soon. I didn't try to be persuasive, just tried to talk psychology.

Yech. Thanks folks,

GC

gc:

I think you did admirably. You complied with her re2uest, and you backed off when you saw signs of her feeling "pressured." I've done the same with my W many times in the past 2.5 years. At first, none of it worked, though at various times it seemed like a little got through. The fog socked back in and the memory of the convo slipped from her mind. I think it's possible that even recent such convos will go the way of the dodo as well, but I do keep hoping... ...and the stats from HERE show that, even2ally, most do get it.

Remember, recovery will likely take 2-5 years, once it starts, and it hasn't started yet.

best,
-ol' 2long

graycloud,
My H & I had 2 separations after his PA was over, though lingering EA contact as they continued work contact. But, she was dating yet another co-worker by then.

Our last separation was the longest at 5 months. I had done an 18 month Plan A, and at that point failed Plan B, but served divorce papers.

Then he wanted to come home.

We worked it out from that point, counseling, accountability, he began taking anti-depressants.

I would advise continuing with Plan A, then B if needed, so that no matter the outcome you feel you did everything you could, so that you have no regrets.

For some of us D day is not anywhere near the beginning of recovery and we have to choose our actions to keep at the point where reconciliation is possible and to lead us to healing whether the marriage survives or not.

Originally posted by graycloud:
" One of the things my WW told me yesterday is that even if her A doesn't pan out, it's unlikely she'll want to come back to the M."

Return fog volly fog this way ...

"I agree. I don't want our old marriage back either. I want something better."

Have you ever read Orchid's threads about babbling back to the foggese remarks? She's great.

Start every reply with, "I agree."

It can be as simple as... "I agree you feel that way."


Pep

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Thanks, Pep. I did somehow manage to say yesterday that even if we got back together, we couldn't ever have our old M back. I said I didn't want it back, and that I would like for us to have a more grownup relationship. She nodded enthusiastically when I said that. I got lots of mixed signals in this meeting. I sure wish her heart and mind could agree more.

GC

of course i have asked the same question more than once myself, more towards the first couple of months i came here. i told SH and a couple of other people that i didn't really think my H would have the strength to end the A, that i thought it would have to be the OW. SH said that he might, that it was still a good possibility. i also guess for all intents and purposes one of the main reasons why i have continued to live where i am versus going back to our house. #1 because i have a very good job and we have a lot of bills but #2 because if/when the A does end then wouldn't it be better for my H to have somewhere to go to get away from OW? i would already have a job and a place and all he would have to do was come here.

i don't feel like him staying that area and me going down there would really facilitate a good recovery because of the chances of her contacting him and/or him contacting her. but that's something i don't really have to consider right now but just something i've thought about. right now all i want is a chance even though i was the one that was faithful.

one other thing i would impart that SH told me as far as what "conditions" you have for working on the marriage. for example, if/when my h were to say he wanted to work things out, i would want NC and counseling but SH says that those may be things i want but i can't be the one to tell him that. that's where SH would come in. he is the expert as far as we are all concerned so i would like to think he knows what he's talking about. in fact he told me that if my h did want to come back that i would be okay for me to say "steve told me not to talk about that w/you, i love you and our marriage too much to possible ruin any ground that we have gained." but i could still help in setting up appts w/SH for my H.

does that make sense? in other words, don't rush things. concentrate on selling your W the concept of the ideal M and that it can be better than ever, that the tools exist to make this happen and you can work on that together before you enter w/what you need to have (NC, counseling, etc.). prayers to you, RR

roughroad:

That makes excellent sense. It's amazing how often I think we all need 2 be reminded of that, lest we mess things up unnecessarily. I do that all the time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

best,
-ol' 2long

Hey GC- My WW has talked like that sort of. Or asking me to wait for her LOL. 6 months in California. Her R with OM is done according to her. I think her feelings will change in time but it will be too late because I will be moved on. But she has also said that she has feelings like she cant come back to the marriage etc. because of the damage done. i even let her know that i wouldn't judge her etc. She always takes the temporary easy way out and running away is what that is. I know in time it would drive her nuts but it would be too late IMO.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> One of the things my WW told me yesterday is that even if her A doesn't pan out, it's unlikely she'll want to come back to the M. I know I'm supposed to dismiss this as fogese, but lots of WSs must find this to be the easiest solution when an A goes sour, even when the BS has worked hard.

Other BSs must have experienced this. I guess this is "exit affair" vs. "replacement affair" territory. My WW seems to be telling me that hers is an exit affair.

GC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know this may not be good news for you.. but I have ended the affair (nearly 2 months have gone by w/out contact) and I am back to feeling the way i did Pre-A. I guess what I would impress to people is to find out what was goin on Pre-A and correct what was wrong...

I am tryin, I think he is trying but we are missing and I'm back to feeling the same...