I found out that my heart and soul, my darling wife of 18 years has had an affair for three weeks with a man involved in her sport. I found out and felt like dying: only our innocent children (11 and 7)stopped me from killing myself to take the pain away. The one person in creation who could hurt me that deeply chose so to do. Today it has been sixth day since I discovered her infidelity and challenged her over it.

I had no template as to what to do. Did this mean divorce and that I would be utterly alone in the world? All for none of my fault ?

In desperation I scoured the web and found lots of tatty advertisements for Marriage Guidance books then I found the marriagebuilders site. Dear God Above, I read it and found in the midst of suicidal despair that not only could there be hope but there is in fact a TEMPLATE for successful recovery from infidelity !

I have devoured the advice on here and following this I managed to summon up the courage to speak with my wife about what we will do next. I explained that every path open to us will cause unspeakable pain but one path restores, maybe even strengthens our lives, protects our childrens interests and helps us restore the union I believe God gave us.

After a lot of thought she said she would commit to trying to rebuild our marriage rather than leave me to be with him. I was happy, terrified, sad, dispairing, everything. But this wonderful resource shows me that it is the first step to an eventual recovery. It also helped me understand what to expect - she argued at first to keep in touch with this man but has reluctantly agreed with me, evidenced by this website that she must cease contact now, forever with him. This has sent her into a depression, but this shows at least she is serious.

Out of utter dispair, I have hope that we have taken baby steps towards recovering from the worst ocurrence in our lives ever. I want to 'do' something actively to accelerate us out of this pain, yet it is clear from this sites' wise words that I can expect nothing from my wife during this withdrawal period. I must only try to love her. God knows why I didn't kill her, I have found a strength to love and forgive that I never knew existed within me. I do not know if it is strength or desperate weakness. If weakness it is the first time in my life that I have chosen the cowards path.

It may be that it all comes to naught, and the dagger is still fresh in my (our) hearts with less than a week passed since the discovery but I am starting to feel the panic subside from time to time, only for a few seconds, but it is genuine. I panic that she may contact this man before she has withdrawn from him, and of course I cannot trust her, but I cannot lock her away for a month and expect a positive result.

We were each others first lovers at eighteen , married at 22 and have enjoyed a marvellous time married since then. Recently (in the last year) my wife has been building an increasingly seperate leisure life for herself away from me (she is a karate instructor) and this meant she has spent Monday, Tuesday , Thursday and Friday evening away from me ( 2 ) hours per evening and many weekend days at karate competitions. My new job allowed me to work to fill in the gaps but I had guessed something was up a while back. She wouldn't talk to me about it though. Now, after I discovered the details of the affair it becomes clear: The senior Karate referee in her style organization met my wife around a year ago and they 'hit it off'. She liked his humour and easy manner. Now he has guided my wife through the intricasies of karate refereeing (difficult)until she had the chance to ref at an international karate championship in Italy ( we live in the UK).
I am so proud and supportive of my wife I took a weeks vecation and took the children to our holiday home while she went to Italy with my blessing. oh my GOD how stupid and trusting I was.
There the affair was sealed. It began physically in mid june and continued with a weekly meeting until i discovered them on 21st July. They had sex in a hotel during the day five or six times in those five weeks. Not much as affairs go but it may yet kill me so as Mercution says of his fatal wound in Romeo and Juliet: 'tis not as big as a barn orr, but t'will suffice''tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but 'tis enough,'twill serve"

This man is only the second lover my wife has taken, myself being the other.

I am desolate. I fear for my lovely kids, whoi know nothing of this, I fear I will lose all that is good in my life, and I fear that I will never be able to see my wife's beautiful form again without thinking of this serial womaniser grunting and sweating on her.
Last week I felt like the most blessed man on earth, now I am the most wretched.
Sorry about the rampling post. Thanks for reading. If you pray, please pray for us. We need it.

BP,
I read your original post in Just Found Out. It's good that you came over to General Questions. More people here.

Your post reminds me of the pain I felt when I first found out about my husband's affair. That was in October 2003. The pain does subside in time, no matter what happens. I immediately began individual counseling (IC) for myself. My wayward husband (WH) refused to go to marriage counseling (MC), so I decided to do this for myself.

Your situation sounds very hopeful. At least your WW (wayward wife) has agreed to NC. Yes, she will go through withdrawal. It's very painful for us BS (betrayed spouses) to watch them grieve over someone else. Stay calm.

It seems you've already read up on how to deal with infidelity on the main website. Get the recommended books, "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs". I read everything I could get my hands on for months. It really helped.

Stay in Plan A. No lovebusters (LBs). Remember, WS tend to flip flop back and forth. Their emotions are all over the place. Try not to ride every wave with them. Just be the calm place at the edge of the storm. That's what they remember when this is all said and done. Hysterical outbursts, crying, demanding, etc. only push them further away.

Take a deep breath. You CAN do this.

BP,
I read your original post in Just Found Out. It's good that you came over to General Questions. More people here.

Your post reminds me of the pain I felt when I first found out about my husband's affair. That was in October 2003. The pain does subside in time, no matter what happens. I immediately began individual counseling (IC) for myself. My wayward husband (WH) refused to go to marriage counseling (MC), so I decided to do this for myself.

Your situation sounds very hopeful. At least your WW (wayward wife) has agreed to NC. Yes, she will go through withdrawal. It's very painful for us BS (betrayed spouses) to watch them grieve over someone else. Stay calm.

It seems you've already read up on how to deal with infidelity on the main website. Get the recommended books, "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs". I read everything I could get my hands on for months. It really helped.

Stay in Plan A. No lovebusters (LBs). Remember, WS tend to flip flop back and forth. Their emotions are all over the place. Try not to ride every wave with them. Just be the calm place at the edge of the storm. That's what they remember when this is all said and done. Hysterical outbursts, crying, demanding, etc. only push them further away.

Take a deep breath. You CAN do this.

I have no idea at all how you can think my situation is hopeful L&A. I am on the edge of sanity, utterly heartbroken, robbed of my past and future happiness by the deliberate hurtfulness of the woman i adore.

I see no future, no point....

Bob:

You are "lucky" because your W is willing 2 commit 2 rebuilding your M and end contact with her OM forever. Many here (yours truly, included) don't get that for a long time, if ever.

The next thing 2 do is 2 get in2 counseling RIGHT NOW. Both of you.

Seriously consider calling one of the Harleys (by clicking on "counsel" at the top of your screen).

You might think that this kind of counseling is expensive, but they will cut 2 the chase and not waste your time or money. The home page here has an article, if I remember correctly, that talks about how 2 select a counselor.

don't wait. Do this NOW.

best,
-ol' 2long

BP,
I know! I know! I felt that way too. I just kept thinking, "There's no me without him." I even contemplated suicide. I couldn't go to work. I couldn't even think about anything else for weeks. I'm surprised I didn't lose my job.

Yes, the person we trusted most in the world has betrayed us. Everyone of us here has had to deal with that. You say you see no future, no point. Well, what are your options? Give up? I guess you could do that, but I don't think you want to. You can always give up later. For now, focus on repairing your marriage. Isn't that what you really want? Your WW seems to be receptive. Strike while the brand is hot. (Texas-ism) Don't let this opportunity pass you by. Show WW why she should choose you.

Unless there's something more you haven't told us, your relationship is not over. Your WW is saying she wants to work on the M. It's going to take all the inner strength you can muster, but you have to stay calm (at least around her). I did a lot of crying in the car and in the shower.

Sounds to me like you need IC. You might want to consider anti-depressants. Most BS's here have eventually realized that they need these to get through this emotional mine field. See if WW will go to one MC session. It's a start. Don't expect big changes overnight. This is all accomplished with little mini baby steps. Some days will be okay and some days will not be okay. It is do-able. That is, if you want to do it.

Keep it together. Take a deep breath. Keep posting. There are more seasoned MB "veterans" out there who can help get you through this.

Take Care of Yourself.

L&A

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong> I have no idea at all how you can think my situation is hopeful L&A. I am on the edge of sanity, utterly heartbroken, robbed of my past and future happiness by the deliberate hurtfulness of the woman i adore.

I see no future, no point.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bob,

Lost & Alone, along with myself, and many others on this board can tell you your situation is hopeful because we've been there and back. Our situations all felt and looked hopeless when we were at the beginning of this torturous road, where you are now.

Have faith. Read. Apply the principles you learn. Love your wife and your children. Rebuild.

~ Snow

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 06:32 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

Bob - You should have lots of hope. I didn't find this site until I had already kicked my WH out. You have found us in time to save your marriage.

Bob,
I DO see a lot of hope for recovering your marriage! It IS possible!

Your W has realized that she must cut all contact with the OM. She will need to write a No CONTACT letter and deliver it to him. This is the first step to rebuilding and cannot be overlooked. As long as they have any contact, your efforts will be hindered. I don't care what she has to give up to achieve that!

The amount of time that she was spending in karate and you working to fill the time was deadly to your relationship. You MUST find things to do together to fill each other's emotional needs. It's not always easy if you have different interests, but find something to do recreationally together.

You have CHILDREN, they deserve the best shot you can give your marriage. Kids bounce back after a breakup, but it's never the same as living with both parents in a marriage relationship. The security you can give them by staying together will shape the rest of their lives! They make it worth your efforts.

When I found out that my H had an affair, I was panicked, physically sick and in shock for a very long time. I thought that we would NEVER be able to stay together and provide a secure home for our 3 boys. 3 years later with a lot of reading, crying, praying, we ARE together. It is not perfect and I will always struggle with the betrayal but it is better than the alternatives.

I will pray for your entire family, keep us posted, Ladysing

Bob,
You came to the right place. Too bad I didn't find it as early on as you. I've spent many nights alone. I know your pain and I sincerely sympathize with you.

It sucks what you're going thru, but I believe the affair is like cancer. If you catch it early you have a good chance of beating it.

You're in for a rough ride. Stay focused, stay strong, and read the books. Never leave this site. There is so much wisdom here on a subject with no rhyme or reason.

If you stick to the plan, and talk to everyone here, there's no guarantees, but it's the absolute best chance you've got.

I for one think you have a good chanc e at beating this. Strong will and patience. Be your best, look your best and treat this with nothing but the love and commitment you have for your wife, yourself, your marriage.

Let me be honest - YES my wife has agreed to sever all contact with her lover BUT she has told me nothing but convincing lies for more than a month now. She speaks of him with such respect (yet he is a serial womaniser, three divorces behind him , a current 'getting married soon' partner living with him now and he admitted to me that every partner including his current one was stolen from a stable relationship)I can tell that she has been completely duped by this man and if I pressed it a TINY bit, she would go back to him.
I think she truly believes that he was to be the great true love of the second part of her life as I was the first. Even with my obviously biased view this is absolute nonsense but I would not say anything as it would be the ultimate love buster at the moment to lay out the evidence before her.

Also - regarding finding things to do together how can we discuss that right now? Surely that is something we do when my wife is fully committed to rescue our marriage, not now while she is still infatuated and suffering her withdrawal ?

Regarding counselling, there is no money too expensive if this is to work but in England where I am from we have pretty much only one relationship service: 'relate'. I called them yesterday and they suggest a hearts-open pow-wow with all parties NOW. How the hell can THAT be positive while my wife is in withdrawal? We need to talk more, sure, but not until the most violent pangs of withdrawal have passed. My wife's 'love' for him appear to be so strong that fear it may take much longer than the 'typical' three weeks or so for the most painful symptoms to pass for her. And I am just not sure I can take that.

I am really worried that she will contact this man again before withdrawal. She utterly hates my asking who she is calling, where she is going etc partly because I have always utterly trusted her for the previous 22 years (Fool!)and she in unused to any accountability and partly because I am sure she sees it thwarting her chances of contacting him again.

This man lives two hours away (they met in a hotel midway between us at lunchtime for their 'liasons' apparrently) so the chance of physically meeting him by accident is slim.

I know I cannot lock her in a room for a month or owever long it takes to go 'cold turkey', but nor can I believe her when she promises me that she will not contact him again.

This is killing me.

I just left her in bed (it is morning here) and she was so very beautiful lying there then a wave of nausea and tears came over me when I thought of her giving her lovely self to that undeserving [censored]. She seems 'polluted' to me now and I fear that I will never be able to respect her again. Maybe it would feel different if eitherrof us had been with other sexual partners previously....Dear God, its all such a mess.....

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 12:19 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Hi BP,

Welcome to MB... Hey, just wanted to let you know that your not alone...

Many of us have been right where you are. Your feelings are right on target... I just wanted to let you know that it is possible for you to rebuild your M...

I didn't have MB when I first found out about my W's A's... I too, thought of suicide. Your situation does sound very hopefull...

Get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... Our MC gave us this book and it really helped my W and I start to rebuild our M...

semper Fi,
RIF90

Hi Bob, sorry to hear of your pain. I like many others have experienced it. I too am very hopeful for you as it sounds like youre wife is really making an effort. Read the posts, read the books, and get to marriage couselling. Do your best to find out what part you played in allowing the affair to happen. Like myself, you may find that you have uknowingly been doing things that led your wife to this point. Chin up, keep an open mind and remember that there are many good people here to give you proven advice.

B-trayed thanks. I know the part I played in this event already and it skilling me. I wish there was a time machine. I did nothing WRONG I just didn't take every opporunity to do everything RIGHT.

It may seem to you that my wife is trying hard but I donm't see it. Hurtful, lover-supporting comments each day that chill my heart and absolutely no spontaneous contact with me, verbal or physical. I read here that I shouldn't expect anything for ages but its so very hard.

Its also really scary that even if she gets over the withdrawal without contacting him, I am not sure If I can take her back into my life an dmy heart after this monumental betrayal.

I visited my doctor this morning and now I am on an antidepressant drug - the first in THIS 6 foot, 190 pound Rugby Player's life. LOOK what she has reduced me to, this woman I love....its a crying shame.

Bob,
I am very sorry. I DO know what you are feeling, I HAVE been there. There IS hope of saving your marriage.

I see that you have posted trying to find help in the UK, good, hopefully someone will come along. I also see that you are now on anti-D's, that is good also.

I want to say again that there are steps to rebuilding this relationship but it is going to be very slow. You need to take this one day at a time. The OM met some need that your W had, excitement, a new relationship, etc. She felt attractive and is addicted to that feeling. She is in withdrawal from those feelings and is not just going to snap out of it.

You say that the OM is a serial cheater and has had a string of women from stable relationships. That tells you that he is not anyone that is interested in a long term relationship with your W. He's in it for the thrill of the chase. Although you believe that your w will go back to him, it's likely that he has moved on to someone else's wife by now. He's not waiting around for your W and she will find that out and the fantasy will end.

The time spent apart with her going to karate has to stop. Go with her, find other things to do together. You cannot rebuild a relationship when your needs for companionship, recreation are being met with other people. You say you can't do it now, why not? Don't let this continue!

Please go to the home page here and read everything you can. Go to the bookstore page and order Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her Needs, Torn Usunder. They are cheaper here than in the stores and you will get them quickly! The counsellor you called was an idiot! The last thing you need to do is sit in a room with the OM and all talk about your feelings. Fight for your marriage and be sure that she does not have any contact with him again!

Your children need you to be strong. If possible, don't let them know about the affair. They should not have to deal with it at this point. That was a huge mistake that happened in my situation and it was very hard on them knowing about their Dad's affair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

If you want to save your marriage, there is a lot of help on this site. Keep reading, posting and order some books. You might not find a good counsellor right away and you need to get started understanding what steps to take now!

Ladysing thank you for your care for this stranger...

Regarding Karate, I have supported my wife's sporting ambitions ever since I met her twenty two years ago., With my help and support she has become a very successful senior karate sensei and now international referee. Only recently, in the past year, has she built a wall aroun dher life with me outside it using Karate. I filled the gap with work as I had a new job to coincide with this.

Her 'lover' is a serial womainzer but it has only been a week since the affair was outsed AND he is living with his own partner who knows nothing as yet of the affair. I doubt even a man that cynical has moved on yet. Besides he likes to build trust relationships with vulnerable and naieve women and that takes time. Must be part of the fun for him.My wife told me at lunch today "I'm sorry I keep defending him, but I can't help it". She thinks he's a cross between Brad Pitt, jesus,and Dave Lee Roth.

She is already withdrawing from this lover and is at the most hurtful time where her desire to be with him is at its hardest (its a week today since they spoke last If my wife is not lying).

I could cry for her pain, such is my love for her.

How then can I make any demand that she also stop a huge source of joy and pride to her at this same time? She fervently believes today that if she were with HIM, she would have the man of her dreams AND all teh Karate support she would ever need. I am on shaky ground then demanding ANYTHING at all right now.

We had a great discussion over lunch - there is a weekend training away , long planned next weekend and she said to me 'I suppose you won't trust me to do THAT either ???' with a real sneer.

I explained that I couldn't stop her doing anything but that no contact meant taking precautions to avoid ACCIDENTAL contact not just planned contact with her lover. I said, gently, that she needed to work out if her karate friendships and events were more important to her than rebuilding our marriage.

I could tell that my point got home even through her indignance. I guess we'll see how seriously she takes this recovery if she tells me she's going anyway. Its gonna be hard to avoid love busters if we do. I could cry, she's still with me but its so, so delicate anything could loser her to me. * sigh *

Bob:

If the OM's girlfriend doesn't know about the A, you should consider telling her yourself.

There are other MBers on here that live in the UK. I hope one of them chimes in with ideas for counseling. Penny Tupy also does email-based coaching, but it's more expensive than phone in coaching (because it's usually more time-consuming). But it might work for your sitch.

-ol' 2long

2long why should I tell his girlfriend? I don't see what passing the infection of his infidelity from my family to his will do other than make my wife (who still hero worships this man) think I am being spiteful. If she never sees him again, it won't matter what the girlfriend thinks will it? I suppose I could always threaten him with telling her if he tries to contact my wife again.

Tell me why it is useful to tell her and I will consider it.

Bob:

You inform the OP's sig other because they deserve 2 know who they're involved with. They deserve 2 make life-altering decisions for themselves. The OM has robbed his GF of her right 2 a monogamous relationship. You shed light on the fantasy of the affair, which thrives on the secrecy, so that it will end. Your W has only just agreed 2 end it, and there will almost certainly be upsets that will set you both back 2 square one. Informing other people who might be able 2 influence the affairees will put a damper on their desire 2 resume the A.

It's not spite, though your W will likely think it is. It's HONESTY.

best,
-ol' 2long

2long, you make sense. But right now I must say that my wife's withdrawal is not making her think sensibly. The best I can hope for right now is to love her through every day, loading up the lovebank with nothing in return and no lovebusters for as long as it takes for her to 'cold turkey'. If I suggested telling the OMs partner now she would hate me for it and may even contact him out of spite - it is THAT finely balanced right now.

I have learned much very fast in the past week, most of it has been the most unpleasant information of my life. One thing, maybe the ONLY thing that I truly know is that recovery will be slow and really hard. I must not push my wife during the withdrawal - i can feel how hard this is for her. i do not want to give her any excuse to give up. Telling others, challenging her karate commitments forcefully, all that must wait until she has stopped hurting so badly that she would use any perceived negativity from me as 'permission' to contact him.

All I can do is love her and the kids until she finds a way to love me back again. SO thats what I am trying to do. CHRIST knows its the hardest thing I have ever done. Scariest thing is it may not even work, but I must try. Because I love her andI have nothing without her.

Thanks for your care.