AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggGGGGGGGG!!!

Well, that wasn't very satisfying.

In fact nothing is. I drudge on, day to day, consumed by feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness.

Welcome to my pity party. Chips are in the fridge, beer and soda in the cupboard. The CD player is on a heavy rotation of 3 Doors Down and NickelBack.

This rejection by my One True Love is the final straw on a pile started by my own father before I was even old enough to know what was what. My mother, my family, my best friend when I was a kid, co-workers and employers... virtually everyone I've ever loved or trusted or given my loyalty to has eventually cast me aside. And believe me, I'm not a bad guy. I'm polite, hardworking and generous and loyal like a dog.

Dylan used to try to protect me from this. She'd get angry with this person or that, claiming that, "If you kick a dog enough, it'll eventually stay down." And I never believed her. I've been through so much in my life (if I wrote a book about it, I'd have to change parts so people would believe it) and never given up. But now, this dog is down, and is afraid to even look up, cause all I see is stuff I know I'll never have. A partner, a lover, a wife... someone to share my life with... the one person I gave my complete trust to has betrayed me in ways to cruel to even truly understand. She's the one who gave the dog that final big kick. And she looked me right in the eyes as she did it.

And now I'm going to live with her. And every day, I can look at her and be reminded of how worthless I am. And I don't mean that in a 'poor, pitiful me' kind of way... I mean it in a very literal, 'not worth the effort', kind of way.

I haven't been posting much because I felt the same rejection from many here. My threads fall down the list with only a couple of people (who I really appreciate) even bothering to reply.

I have had a lot to post about though, cause never in my life have I felt so lonely, despairing, hopeless and never have I needed encouragement and support as I do now.

I don't know what I'm going to do or how I'm ever going to get through this.

I went out with the boys last weekend, and this pretty girl came on to me. I sent her packing, even though I was just about dying to feel desired and felt pretty good about myself at first, but that faded as I realized that my lot in life at this point (and for who knows how long) is to deny myself that feeling of being special, desirable, worth having and plunge myself back into a life where everything is my fault and I'm good for nothing exept going to work and supporting this screwed up situation.

This weekend, when the boys asked me to come out I declined because if any women expressed interest in me (and it happens often enough as I'm good looking and charming) I would have the integrity to walk away, but that only leaves me more hollow than before because it's a reminder of how un-worth it I am to the person who really matters the most to me.

There's so much more, but I gotta go now.

dewt

Oh Dewt -

Why are you choosing this for yourself? You don't have to you know.

I have joint custody of a beautiful, happy, well adjusted 9 yr old daughter. Her father and I were not able to stay together but we are good friends and great co-parents. He recently married a girl who happens to love my daughter and I really like her.

You don't have to choose this. You are better than this.

I've told you before you are sweet, funny, smart and now I know you are goodlooking and charming to boot. Why settle for this? Life is too long when you are miserable, and too short to sell yourself short in the name of good parenting. That is hogwash and you know it.

Weaver

Dewt,
I haven't kept up and I don't know what's going on with you.

And, I've maybe started one thread in the last 2 years, so I can say I rarely risk the rejection of the sinking thread, though I remember it well.

If you have a couple posters who do keep up with you, and you have some more, like me, who if I have anything to say, I would...is that a reason to give up posting when you could use the support?

I think not.

With my H deployed and my own need to keep myself on a positive keel, I aware I should be careful with what I read, even on MB, and that I need to leave some topic alone, but I read your cry of anguish and I want you to know you are heard, even if I don't have any good advice, other than...keep going and look for positives even in the unlikely places.

It took time to get to this place that seems so bad, it will take a time to repair it to a point where you have arranged your life so it feels acceptable.

Good may even come later.

Take care, dewt

hi dwet,

i have been thinking of you all weekend. last week, i saw a post of yours in a thread that asked where dylan was about how you felt you have been rejected here. and my heart went out to you.

i wanted to post then but i was not sure what to say. i wanted to post... "I know exactly what you mean!!! i feel that way too!!" but for me, to post that makes me feel like i am too needy. i have gotten a lot of support here. and my life and my marriage have extremely benefited from the support i have gotten here. i do not mean to discount all that i have already been given. and i feared that is what i would be doing.

i don't know where i am going with this post... i wanted you to know you have been heard. i bet you and i are not the only ones feeling this way. for me, the crucial/urgent need has past, i am no longer actively engaged in an A, i confessed to my H giving my marriage the only chance it has for recovery. and i am in counsoling and really trying to work out the demons inside of me. i am light years ahead of where i was 6 months ago. now i just must work hard to continue on the right path.

most days, there are no direct questions that need answering at least for me. and yet, i miss the feeling of being cared for i got when i was getting so many responses. but i guess my conclusion is that i need to turn to God to fullfil that need in me, that need of feelng cared for.

you are cared for 24/7 by God, so am i. does that thought give you comfort?? i find i really have to work at feeling comforted with that thought. i really have to work hard at comprehending and taking that thought into my heart.

i'm not sure how much sense this post makes... i just feel compelled to post to you anyway, even if i am not making sense.

you are not alone dwet.

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 05:58 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

Dewt - The Bible says that "two are better than one, when one falls the other can pick him up."
So that is what I will do, Dewt, pick you up, dust you off, and put you back on the path.

I'm in the same position, so be waiting for me to fall down sometime soon.

((((((((((((((((((((DEWT)))))))))))))))))))))))

You all are awesome! Thanks soooo much for the quick replies. I am about to sit down and eat some dinner (I really cooked!!! Italian sausage tortellini simmered in white wine with a special sauce and meatballs) so I will be quick and pop back in later.

dewt

Another cry of anguish...

this one over the lost post... the one that was suddenly gone when I hit 'add reply' and was subsequently told to 'login'.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Way too tired to rewrite tonight...

But lots of thanks, love and God Blesses to all of you.

dewt

Dewt,

{{{Hugzs to you and your family.}}} <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Survival isn't an option, it's a requirement.

Hang in there buddy. Support is here, ok?

L.

Hey Dewt- Ever thought that maybe u are attracting or choosing the wrong kind of women? That could be why they have trouble commiting etc. Sometimes I feel that way as I have only been with women from very broken families. I guess that says something about me. What about u? Just a thought. it probably has nothing to do with u if that is the case. Cheer up.

Hi dewt

Hey, if you "lose" a post, just hit Control Z and it will reappear!! Like magic!

I wish I could work more magic over your broken heart right now. I don't know all of your story, but I too feel so dejected by the one who was my only true love.

You sound like a great guy! Look to yourself for your happiness, not her right now. She's got the alien mentality at the moment.

Dewt,

this one over the lost post... the one that was suddenly gone when I hit 'add reply' and was subsequently told to 'login'.

Oooohh, don't you HATE that!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

As a poster of many a wordy post, I have gotten wise and if I have an especially long one, I usually highlight and do a "copy" before I submit, just in case I lose it. I can past into a new post. But I'll have to try that Control Z thing that was suggested if I remember it.

As for you, pick yourself back up, dude, and get ride of that cruddy Nickelback!

I have also experienced many ignored posts lately. I have to be careful not to take it personally, but I know the new people on the boards usually get the most posts and that's probably the way it should be because they're most likely experiencing the most intense pain overall. At least in my experience, it somewhat dulls over time.

Let's see now, LL's worthless advice for Dewt during his currently very low time:

* Pray to God to keep you going and to lift you up when you feel down. Look back and see how far you've made it already.

* Do things--physically. Don't just sit around. Do things around your place. Go for a walk outside. Just get up and move. Anytime I force myself to move around physically, it helps keep my mind off being depressed.

* Read your Bible. Psalm 91 is one I read often when I need God's protection and comfort.

* Know that we MB folk are here.

Dewt, you sound like you have a major self-esteem problem to me (and it takes one to know one here!). Are you still seeing a counselor? I think sometimes we get rejected because we don't feel we're worthy of being loved, and we project that image.

And finally, like my advice or not, but if you're still living with Dylan and her OW is still in the picture (and my apologies because I've not been on as much lately and haven't read your recent posts), you are going to continue to hurt. If that's still going on, IMO, you need to distance yourself. Live in the same town..fine. But don't live in the same house. Too painful. Making you mentally and probably physically ill. And I'm sure that's not the image you want to project to mini.

Hang in there!

LL

Dewt,

Whe I read your post a verse from Isaiah came immdiately to my mind so I will just share it:

But Zion said, The LORD hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me.
Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.
Behold, I have graven (tattoed) thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.


You are loved.

dewt, sorry things aren't going well right now. I've been here too long so I think I can speak about patience. It seems to take forever but don't give up. I have printed some of the posts you have written and hope to someday show my fogbound W. She is out with OM as I write this. It is absolutely status quo for her but I can tell you with the help of this board, God and a very good IC I am starting to grab control of the reins. My IC told me I need to "lovingly detach" from WW. Doesn't mean bail out but just stop dying by the inches. Do for me now and wait for her world to crumble and then step in. I guess my advice is to "emotionally detach". Stop letting her dictate your feelings. She doesn't represent your worth; you do. Just keep improving somehow someway. Your declarations of love remind me of my earlier posts when I was just a bundle of emotions with no logic applied. But you will get stronger and be able to look at your W with perhaps a lot of empathy. I think it's understood she is not happy either and for whatever reason she's still there. That is hope. Hang tough and keep cookin.

WOE

Ok, this time I wrote this in word. Saved it three times under three different filenames, one encoded and backed up to floppy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Weaver- I guess I’ve chosen this because considering all options, this is the only one that seems like the ‘right thing’ to do. Parenting is a two person job.

Also I’ve chosen this because in my heart, I still do not believe it is ‘over’. I believe in my heart that Dylan and I share a special and unique love – and such a love must endure all things. Mind you, it’s taken a significant beating over the years, by both of us. I’m doing this because I believe that our love can be healed and rekindled. I certainly don’t always feel this way, but I believe it. And I have faith in it.

It is also quite possible that the damage done over the years cannot be healed. That it is too late. But if I give up too, then it certainly becomes too late. And we go from a very slim chance to none.

I already co-parent one child. I see the effects of that daily. I come from a broken family. I see the effects of that daily. Dylan comes from a broken family. I see the effects of that daily. If that (split family) is the only option for my son, then I will rise to the challenge and do the very best I can. But until that becomes unavoidable, I will explore every other option and give it my best.

All that being said, it is possible that I will not be able to adjust to this. I have so much of my heart and feelings devoted to her and none of that is being returned. I don’t even know if I can trust her to be truthful with me. Actually there’s a lot I don’t know and over the past 3 weeks, I’ve been assailed by a lot of not-so-positive thoughts and feelings. I know I won’t be much of a decent parent if I’m an emotional wreck.

Lor- Thanks, I will keep going. I have no other acceptable option. And I know it took a long time for things to get this bad. Neither of us have done enough to make it good. I will start and pray that it makes a difference. Even if it doesn’t for Dylan, it will for me. (But I’m really hoping that it does for her too)

FL- Sometimes simply being heard and acknowledged makes all the difference.

Heck, lots of times makes all the difference.

Even if it doesn’t make sense. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I have to admit that I’ve got issues in that area and can be overly sensitive. The sense of abandonment I feel in regards to Dylan is beyond even my own reckoning. It is like an open wound and a sore spot and I’m finding my reactions to rejection from other sources (NOT other women) is a little exaggerated.

Believer- Thank you. I’ve been needing that pick me up. And I always need a dusting off.

And when you feel yourself stumbling (before you fall) check this out: Hebrews 12:1

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”

Orchid- Indeed, survival is a requirement. But thus far, I have survived and quite frankly, it’s not enough. I want to LIVE… I want to LOVE… (want to be loved, too) I want to have some measure of success in my life. So I am hanging on. And I know I’ll come through the other side… ok and better than before. In the meantime, this sure is a drag.

Juke1225- Well, this whole nasty thing is sooooo unlike her. If this was her, really her, I’d have washed my hands long ago. But it is not. I believe this is her reaction to the life we had together. My hope is to prove that a better option is available.

WhatAmIDoing?- Control Z… I just know that is going to come in handy.

Broken hearts mend. And if we handle things right, then it’s just possible that ‘that which did not kill us, will make us stronger’ instead of just hurting a lot.

Either way, I think I’m a long way from a serious, true happines.

LL- Good ta seeya. I usually do the ‘ctrl a, ctrl c but sometimes I forget. This one time I remembered just after hitting submit, but was a fraction of a second too late.

I do pray fairly regularly. And I see the results daily. God has blessed my life in so many ways. Apparently, however, I still have to earn certain other blessings. Fair enough. Sometimes the road is pretty rough though and discouragement sets in. I will check out that psalm during my reading tonight.

Self image issues? Who me? Ya. That would be an understatement. I had big issues before all this. It’s been a major destructive force in my life. I currently have no idea how I’m gonna get past all this. I can’t afford counseling right now, and even when I can, I’d give those hours to Dylan before I took them myself. But seriously, I know I need counseling and when I can afford it again (probably fairly soon) I will certainly be going again.

I am being led to believe that OP is not still in the picture. I read the NC letter. I choose to believe that Dylan is being truthful with me. I hope I’m not mistaken. If it comes to pass that she is lying to me, I don’t know how I’ll take it. I can’t even be friends with a liar, much less hope to be married to one.

Shul- Thank you for the lovely verse. Throughout all this, I really feel like God is with me. As is talked about in the 1st 15 verses of Hebrews 12, I feel like he’s my Father, helping me deal with the consequences of my own actions. I shudder to think of where I’d be if it weren’t for Him… if I’d dealt with this the way the old me would have dealt with it.

Woe- What an awesome reply. Thank you so much. I think you are right on the money there. I know that there is strength and growth in this for me. And the duress involved is leading me to believe that the payoff will be significant. Even if Dylan doesn’t ‘come back’. The trick for me has been to learn how not to get swept away by my empathy. I have to set limits and boundries so that my empathy doesn’t talk me into taking on more than I’m emotionally equipped to handle.

But anyway, today I'm doing quite a bit better. Thank you all so much for taking the time.

dewt (ctrl A, ctrl C, add reply)

Dewt, you are right about not letting yourself get swept away in the empathy. That is exactly what has happened to me. I was too forgiving and too soon. She has used this against me by trying to manipulate situations etc. I have finally had to draw the line in the sand on certain situations ie. boundaries. Go as far as you can and when you start losing you it's time to stop. But you will never regret doing your best. You'll always be that boy's father and you want to be able to look him in the eye 10 or 15 years from now and tell him you did your best.
I don't know what your up against lately but I do believe things are at work all the time. While I earlier mentioned it's status quo, it is never status quo. There is always turmoil if their isn't peace. And obviously in your household thier isn't peace. So your W is also going through difficult times. She may very well be causing them but she is still suffering. Nobody wants to live like this and that's why I keep on about empathy. It's just how the hell do you reach her? Just keep being the lighthouse it is rewarding. You've fought a good fight but it's not time to quit yet. I have to keep checking my own tank from time to time but somehow like you I think of the glory days with W and only NOW have an understanding of what is truly possible. "only time is capable of knowing how great love is". I keep that poem on my fridge in plain sight for WW.

WOE

Dewt, no words of wisdom, well maybe some depending on how you look at things, you should have chocolate to offer too, you know, to go along with the Beer and chips, chocolate always goes with salty. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm glad to see you are feeling better. I've noticed we all take turns here, feeling great, and feeling down. I'm sorry this was your turn to be down.

I hope things look up for you real soon. I've said a prayer for you, and I will be thinking about you too.

The fallen post, oh how I hate that. Rejection, abandonment, worthlessness.....

Your dinner sounded fabulous. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

MB Love, KY