yowza, this is almost me. We also rarely fought and got along well..still do.
My husband had his A a year ago. One year later, we're separated and living apart, even though the A ended (but I believe they still corresponded via email). He also has expressed that he's just not sure he wants to be married. For a long time I believe our separation had little to do with his A.
Even if your husband is not going to be with OP (and please be wary of that claim), his A still put your marriage in further trouble than it was. As someone said to me when I was describing my situation, "to him, it made your marital problems seem insurmountable".
This is what I believe my husband was thinking but this is not something he has actually said out loud. I do not like putting thoughts in his head, but this is my perception. This may not be your husband but maybe it will help you to see a different side of things.
Husbands thoughts: "I was not happy in my marriage before the affair. She was shocked when I told her how unhappy I was because she just didn't know, I hate hurting her and could never tell her. Something was missing from the marriage and I don't know what! And then I see X again. I didn't mean for anything to happen, but she was going through many of the same things that I was. She understood me and we had so much fun together going x & x. I can't stand being so unhappy anymore, I have to tell wife when I get home that I'm just not sure I want to be married anymore. I like OW but she has a lot of the same problems that Wife has and I can't see us being together. But this experience showed me that I *can* feel that passion and that I can be with someone who meets my needs the way I need them met. It showed me that I still love going out and hanging with friends--and wife and I just don't do that kind of thing anymore. I think I just need to be alone for awhile. Was not going to tell Wife of affair, but the very first night I was home she figured it out. We were kissing and all of the sudden she burst out, "Who have you been kissing?" and it all came out. Told Wife that me not being sure of the marriage has nothing to do with A or with her (wife). Told her that it was ALL me and that I had doubts about the marriage fairly early on. But we were happy once..so maybe it is possible. I just don't know what to do! There are so many reasons to stay with wife but there's a part of me that just wants to be by myself! We'll try things for a year and see how they go. I'll tell her some of the things that were bothering me, but I can't tell her everything--she would be crushed and I just can't hurt her that way."
So a year goes by,
Husband's thoughts: "Saw OW at my school this week. Said hi and chit-chat, but nothing happened. I hate this school, but I dread going home again. Shouldn't I be missing my wife and looking forward to being with her? But our house is just so stressful all of the time and I'm not sure how much more I can take. Wife has changed some of the things we spoke about but it doesn't seem like she really made a true effort and part of me doesn't think she cares. But there is still something MISSING and I still don't know what it is. She does not deserve this and the only fair thing is to ask for a divorce. I don't think I want to be married. I love her, but marriage is just not for me right now."
husband asks for a divorce we decide to separate for one year instead. I can't guess what my husband is thinking right now, only that he's very confused. I think he's enjoying his single life and it's giving him validation for what he was thinking..that marriage is just not for him right now. But we've only been separated for a short time and I'm hoping that things will change. I'm making a lot of changes in myself.
My main point is this. Yes, my husband was unhappy before his affair. BUT, before the affair he felt that we could work through things somehow. His affair was a happy time for him. He really cared for someone, found the something that was missing with me. She cared for and about him. Even though he didn't want to be with her, he felt it showed him that he was able to find that missing piece with SOMEONE. And he was having so much fun! His affair showed him this (rightly or wrongly): he was able to have a fulfilling relationship with someone other than me, so perhaps I was not the right woman for him. It also showed him that he could have LOTS of fun which is something we had been missing.
What he has not realized yet, is that we DID have all that at one time and so it's possible again. What he has not yet realized is that the reason his A felt so fulfilling was because they were both trying to impress each other and give each other all the good parts of them--the bad never really came out. It left him with the false impression that I was not compatible with him. What he has forgotten is that we used to have a lot fun together but we stopped doing a lot of the things that we used to do. He has not made the connection between his affair and his "enlightenment" that things between him and I were impossible to fix. And to complicate matters further, this is NOT something that I can point out to him right now. He's just not going to be receptive.
Your husband's throughts regarding marriage probably have a lot more to do with his A than he even realizes. I urge you to read everything on this site, especially the infidelity articles!! *hugs* and good luck to you. I know how utterly despairing this is for you right now and how hopeless it seems.
