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After a long conversation with my W last night where she further expressed the depths of her depression. She told me of how unbalanced she feels without OM in her life and the host of other outside activities that gave her life happiness and meaning. I tried repeatedly not to internalize her feelings, in fact I was more than sympathetic, I want to help her get thru her withdrawal. I want us to work together and negoitiate our M so that we both are happy, the only issue that is NON-NEGOTIABLE is her contact with her XOM. The night ended on a somewhat sad note where I asked what she would do if OM called her tomorrow and confessed he was ready for a real relatonship with her, that he was now ready to commit to their R. My W said she would do "Nothing". I wanted her to say she'd tell me of the convo, I wanted her to say she would hang up in him and tell him she has made her decision. She did not. I was somewhat devestated to say the least, but I didn't LB, I didn't judge her, I didn't make demands.
I woke up this morning and started writing as a means of self-therapy. Somewhere along the way it became a story sort of a movie script and I thought I'd share it with the only people who could make sense of it; You good people.
Enjoy
"Escape from Camp Infidelity"
by
Family Matters
Okay,
I'm trapped in this sadistic prison camp called "Post D-Day in an Infidelity Marriage", a long name but what it lacks in brevity it makes up for in charm believe me. There's alot of pain here. In fact the prison is masterfully designed to systematicly torture me throughtout my captivity . Pictures of my W and OM smiling together hang on the walls. Ohh look they even have my WW's panties nailed to the ceiling? Isn't that special? Hmm is that the Victoria Secrets negligee my wife acquired during our separation? Hey I didnt buy that! These guys really know how to screw with my head.
The camp, and the torture proceedings are orchastrated by the Lead Guard Captain AnothaGuy PokedYahWIfe. He usually comes to rouse you in the wee hours of the night! I awake most nights to the sounds of his boots as they pound the wet pavement as he approaches my cell. The key turns the lock and I scammer to the corner of my cell and cowar in a fetal position. I have nothing to protect myself with other than my fortitude. I chant the words, "I will not let him break me,I will not let him break me, I will not let him break me". And break you is the whole theme behind this facility, to break your M apart, separate your children, and destroy the dream of "Till Death Do Us Part". The guards have captured me, WHY? Because they know I'm the key to the M. My W is so fogged out in the "FantasyLoveLand" and the "Withdrawal Camp" that I'm only thing keeping my family afloat. If I break, the family breaks. Like I said before these guys know their stuff.
Captain PokedYahWIfe has many cohorts including "Sgt ItzAllYourFault", "Corporal How'dYouLet ThisHappen" and "Petty Officer Sux 2BeYou". Petty Officer Sux 2BeYou is nice to me and sneaks me glasses of "Hope" from time to time, which depending on how you look at it either a blessing or a curse. In between emotional beatings I wonder maybe my M should die here, maybe thats the natural order of things and these damned glasses of hope are prolonging my torture. "Sux 2BeYou" slides me tiny pieces of "Clarity" and "Love4MyWW" and I'm sure without them my M would surely have died. I'm only human and there's only so much a H can take.
"Cpl How'd YouLetThisHappen" feeds me crud daily. His favorite technique is to strap me in a movie theater styled seat complete with a cup holder and headrest and force me to watch MYSELF. I see me skipping along through my M without a clue. Look at me! What an embecile I was. Oh isn't that nice, Tape 68 and I owe yah ONE, here's last Christmas where I spent $1500 dollars on my WW and look she's not even thinking about me, she's thinking about OM. The Lead Guard, Captain AnthaGuy PokedYahWife chimes in with his maniacal laugh and smacks me upside the head with a notebook full of dates and times my WW was unaccounted for. He also has emails from my W to OM...my GOD she was the aggressor! The good captain even provides me with taped messages of my W's lies which he so unselfishly plays for me repeatedly to chip away at my love for my W.
"Remember March 12th? She said she had an important errand to run, silly she was out doing the horizontal LA BAMBA with the OM!"
This type of torture continues until I pass out in a drunken stupor reeling from being emotionally taxed.
I blank in and out hearing voices, its ItzAllYourFault and How'dYouLet ThisHappen discussing my M, these guards have such great senses of humor
"His Manhood is almost completely destroyed, it won't be long now"
"Yeah, this guys must really love his wife, I woulda threw the towel in months ago...."
"Who're you tellin the poor fool doesn't know his own limits"
"Yeah he'll break soon, it's just a matter of time"
"Hey lets watch some clips of his W and OM having fun, kissin and huggin while he sat at home watchin the kids"
"Yeah man I love those clips"
"What a LOSER"
I told you these guys were hysterical didnt I? This is how they get their kicks playing scenes back in my head over and over again.
In the Wee hours of the night I hear footsteps, I standup this time defiantly in the middle of my cell with my fist clinched. I will not take another emotional beating, this Capt. AnothaGuy PokedYahWIfe is going to have to take me kicking, biting and screaming. The door opens and its the GOOD GUYS. The GOOD GUYS have come for me! Yes, my wife is finally coming around, the fog is lifitng! The GOOD GUYS are rushing me to a helicopter. One of the GOOD GUYS turns to me and says "Dont worry Family, RECOVERY is tough as nails we'll get yah HOME!" We start taking off...oh the exhiliration! Home! I remember home. That's where my W and I made love, raised our kids, laughed and enjoyed a good movie while relaxing on our conservative beige-colored reclining couch. Those were the days! I felt like I was the luckiest man on the planet, but never knew it. Yes, the GOOD GUYS are taking me home to Normalcy on a bird called Recovery. The crew on RECOVERY shout out, We Saved Family, Screw Infidelity!
I look down at the prison camp with howling laughter. I can see the guards waving their fist at me taunting. I'm safely in Recovery and I feel vindicated. I lean out of the doorway of the copter and give the guards the finger!
"You F*%#@* NO GOOD STINKIN *&*#*#*
Just then one of the Prison guards who I don't recognizes fires a rocket propelled grenade at Recovery. Recovery swerves to avoid impact. In the mayhem the force of the swerve sends me whirling franticly out of the window. I reach for a Link, something to grab to hold me in the Recovery, but the Link can't support my weight and I fall out the Recovery landing face first in the swamp of "Here We Go Again", where I 'm recaptured and put right back in that same damp funky cell. I hear those boots again. Those damned boots! Lead Guard Captain AnothaGuy PokedYahWIfe enters my cell
"Welcome back, you thought you made it out of here didn't you?"
I look up with tears in my eyes, still in shock ovewhelmed I mutter "I was so close"
Just then another Guard steps into the doorway, He has on a shiny, freshly starched and pressed uniform.
"Yes, you were close but that only counts in horshoes and darts!"
"Who are you?"
Captain AnothaGuy PokedYahWIfe smiles "This is Sgt. Relapse our best sharpshooter, straight from Camp WreckYour Marriage"
"Relapse?"
"That's right! And we have new tactics to break you down for sure this time! Tactics such as Time, Lack of SF, Lack of Effection, and an overall dessimation of Respect"
The guards leave. I sit dishelved in the corner of my cell. I know I cannot survive another strenuous excruciating series of tortures at the hands of these sadist. I pray to GOD to for help, then miraculously I feel something poking me in my left side. My mind races as I reach in my shirt to uncover it. It's a piece of the steel link that fell with me from the Recovery. It has the letter MB on it. MB? I try it in the jam of the door and it fits! I can use the link to escape the cell! Oh it's a miracle, but I can't use it yet. The guards are alert, My W's fog is setting in and won't rise for sometime, but having the link gives me strength to endure. When the time is right I'll use the link to open the door and escape. I'll flag down the Recovery which I'm sure is out there somewhere waiting for me. Just then I hear a tap at the door, its my friend Petty Officer Sux 2BeYou and he gives me yet another small glass of hope and pats me on the shoulder.
"Don't beat yourself up, it happens yah know?"
"I'm just waiting"
"Waiting for what?"
"Waiting for the fog to lift"
"That could be days, weeks or months you sure you got it in you?"
" YUP!, I got what I need, now it's all just a matter of time buddy"
"You think you can outlast the fog? Many have tried and failed"
".Old friend...I now have the keys it's time for PLAN A"
"Good Luck"
"Thanks, I'm going to need it"
I peek through a crack in my cell which leads to the wilderness surrounding the camp. My W's fog is still too thick. I replay the scenarios of why I feel from the recovery and it dawns on me I was never
strapped down in the Recovery and if I was the seat belts must have been faulty. Yes, that was a 'False Recovery" it's not my fault after all. When I escape this crazy place I'll be sure to flag down TRUE Recovery no more False Recovery's for me! I peer out the window again. The fog is lifting slightly, it won't be long now so I began to recite my Plan A until I know it like the back of my hand. The MB Link can get me out of the cell but once I'm out Plan A is what's going to get me to True Recovery and if for some reason Plan A doesnt work, there's always Plan B. Lift fog, come on and lift you lazy %#$@&
The Beginning.
<small>[ July 30, 2004, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>
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I am so glad I logged back in .
I cryed , laughed , and relate .
That was great and truely hope all here have the opertunity to read this .
You hit every thing perfect , a true way to discribe what goes on and most important what goes on in the mind of a BS !
The voices in our heads that torture us , I wish you all the best down this bumpy, stormy raod they call recovery .
I does take awhile , but when a WS is blessed with such a sincere BS as you are then the process is going to work .
I wish the best to you and without this sounding discouraging , (please no that) always keep in your mind as time goes by you deserve the same paciance ,love, respect and time to help be healed as well .
BS are/will very strong for so long especialy during withdrawal ,,, after the only way to see the HOLE TRUE RECOVERY is knowing that the WS got it , understands it and will give now to you .
OK I am done again thanks for putting that in to words .
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Hi FM,
I read what you wrote and I feel you. I feel much of the same feelings. I hope we can get free. I never thought of it like being in prison. I guess we are in a prison of our minds playing the same stuff over and over again. I have obsessed over my pain a lot.
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Family matters:
What's the time frame for the next installment?
Can't just leave us hanging with chapter #1.
HOW does it end? (wouldn't we all like to know).
Including YOU!
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FAMILY,
Add me to the story and put me in the cell right next to you. Just call me (INMATE "FEELS YOUR PAIN")
I receive the same cruel punishment. We often talk about our common situation and our WW's. We seem to keep each other feeling we are not alone.
We are plotting our escape together we have a plan. We will escape!
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<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Yessssssssssssss Eric YOU'RE SO RIGHT! I should have etched in stories ab out my comrades in the camp. TopRope I can only hope the ending will be a good one. No I expect it to end well, expect is such a more peaceful frame of mind. Genia So many feelings, so little alcohol...j/k <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Don't drink it just makes you feel worse. 3isa I hope you're right when you say I'll have my chance to grieve, it's long overdue. It's an uphill battle and I've got no time to dress my wounds, if I get down it only furthers her depression...'she feels bad enough. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
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<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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FM - that was GREAT!
I hope you are in a profession where you are able to put your talents to use. The way you are able to put into story what is going on with you emotionally is really, really exceptional.
Weaver
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FM
That's a classic!
By the way, how did you get "inside" my life?
LOL.... great post! Wondering how big a LoveBuster it would be to print out and encourage my FWW to read??? Nah, bad idea!
SD
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FamilyMatters - That was absolutely great. I'll be waiting for the next installment.
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Great analogy FM. A prison, torture, blame, ... especially enjoyed the sympathetic guard slipping you treats of hope and love.
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This is actually a very enchanting movie.... Where's my buttered popcorn? I think Believer has it.... gimme it back! Don't tell me you don't have it Bel.... there's butter smeared all over your lips! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Pep
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How do I send in a nomination for a Pulitzer NON-FICTION division??
FM- Great read
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I think this should be required reading for all WS's before being allowed to post here. Ok, I know that'll never happen, but hey, it's so insightful!
Good work FM!
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FM
You have alot of insight (unfortunately it may be due the whole "real life" things that so many take for granted).
I do think you have a talent to search, find, and resolve.
I think my "self-therapy" is to be the best I can be (with or without H). I'm seen the depths of "DEPRESSION" and the hell one person's own mind can be put through. (At the time it really had nothing to do with the H - honestly). It's like you, yourself are running the "camp". I have seen the other side too (after 3 1/2 years of therapy - it's so slow). I still have to go on and live this life for myself, my kids, my H, and all the other people I may meet in this life. I have to do that with or without anyone - it's pretty scarey when you "can't" live with yourself (Can't really blame the H for not wanting to live with me either - smile).
SMILE even if it hurts!!!!
And I'll give you another pearl of wisdom, a friend of ours said when I had my breakdown "If you put on a 100 lbs over 10 years .... you can't exspect to take it of in 6 months" And ours may be 5 tons of pain, hurt, misuderstandings, miscommunications, lost emotions, lies, tears and etc....
We all can be okay .... but I want to be GREAT!
Hang in there!!!!
(And keep your wonderful sense of .... SELF ... HUMOR.... HAPPINESS... HOPE .... LOVE
Thanks again for the post ...
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Well, FOG is setting in again on W...she's back on the couch and of course this morning she darted out to do whatever she pleases without even saying a word about her activities, leaving me with the kids as usual. She did comeback, she looks like a ZOMBIE..all mopey, withdrawn, ohh my poor fogheaded friend, I love you anyway. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Aint M grand. Stay in Plan A you say? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Thanks for all of your comments, I'm glad you enjoyed my take on my situation. I find it helps to step outside of myself and then examine my situation. Stay ever vigilant in regaining your happiness, with or without our WS's. Have a terrific day, and dont forget to rub some sunshine on your face. That's an order soldiers... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <small>[ July 31, 2004, 02:09 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>
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FM:
Keep hanging in there. Just one day at a time.
Too Soon
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Bump... and update: W is in so much pain its remarkable she's still functional. I tried to tell her "it's okay to take some downtime" I can handle anything the children need, I'm you're partner....take care of you!" I love her resilience admist so much inner-turmoil..she's a fighter. If you separate yourself from you own pain, you can realize a WS is suffering from guilt, withdrawal etc.... My W is having a hard time coping not only with separation from OM but separation from activities she used to engage in that in her words "balanced her life". I love her and will continue for as long as I can to keep my "GIVER" in the drivers seat. Love can be unconditional. Now is the time to say to myself, how much do I want this? I plunge ahead realizing it will not be easy, seldom are worthwhile things easy. I will be rewarded in the end..at least that's what I tell myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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You are a GREAT guy FamilyMatters!!!!
You are making your Mom proud! And everyone here at MB as well.
Hang in there,
Weaver
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