Since our last encounter, and my conversation with OW on Friday, I have gone dark.

I am trying to step back and let God deal with him now.

I am taking this one day at a time.

I am exhausted and shaky, but I think I am doing the right thing.

Where is your Plan B leter?
I don't recall seeing it posted anywhere?

C,

No plan B letter.

I am just 'dark'.

He will have to figure it out without a letter I guess.


Update: since my cellphone disappeared or was stolen last night, I have no way of receiving text messages from him now, which has been his way of communicating with me..

But I can tell when he has made a call or sent a text- and he texted me a little while ago apparantly. I don't know what he wrote of course, but he will be starting to wonder why I haven't replied.

I think it was a message to tell me that he is done with her.

We shall see. I think it is very interesting that my cell should go missing last night, just as I was praying about whether to call him or not.

I see Gods hand in this.

No plan B letter.

I am just 'dark'.

He will have to figure it out without a letter I guess.
Figure out what?
That you are mad at him, you don't want to be married to him and that you don't even want to have anything to do with him?

That is the message you are sending him.

Chris, it might not be the end of the world. Shul, I don't think you should allow concern that he will think you are angry cause you to panic and call him.

You are in a bit of a sticky situation now. It was one thing to be backing off for a couple of days, another entirely to be incommunicado. I bet he finds some other way to contact you though.

GC

So.... have you previously given a Plan B letter? Who is going to hold YOU accountable for your own boundaries? How exactly is a husband supposed to "figure it out" if you don't tell him? (Men often prefer step-by-step directions over a requirement that they be psychic...)

I totally support your desire to get out of the line of fire. It seems to me to be a fine idea. However... it's usually a little more effective if you define what the line of fire is.

He knows that I love him and that and I want to be with him. I did a very good plan A the past while.

He also knows that what he was doing was wrong and that he can't be with both of us.

I don't have to spell it out.


We have been through some pretty bad times over the years and I have always had him back.

The ball is in his court. He made a bad mess this time, and I can't fix it by myself.

He knows my number, and where I am.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> (Men often prefer step-by-step directions over a requirement that they be psychic...)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I missed that. You are right.

When he does call eventually, I have to be very clear.

Help me out on this!

Shul, you probably don't want to plan B him in a conversation. It's too unpredictable.

How often were you calling him before this latest extravaganza?

GC

Not very often.

I don't think I have initiated any calls in the past 4 months, except maybe once or twice about maintenance stuff.


I pretty much waited for him to call me.

Yeah, I'm thinking that it would be better to do it in writing than over the phone. It gives you the time to consider your options, your thoughts, and exactly how to approach it. The guidelines for a Plan B letter are fairly straightforward:

- I love you and want to remain married to you.
- Your affair is too painful to me -- I have to end contact with you while it continues.
- When your affair ends, I would love to talk to you about rebuilding our marriage.
- Until then, please do not contact me.
- You can use Person X as an intermediary (give all their info)
- Child care arrangements are Y (if needed)
- Financial arrangements are Z (if needed)

That's all you have to do. After that, you simply wait and live your life. And when the affair ends, you left him prove it to you.

I think that letter would be considered a bit too pushy in his eyes somehow.

He would see it as an ultimatum, (which it is ) and go in the othr direction just to spite me.

I am thinking more along the lines of:

I love you, and I am willing to make a fresh start together, when you have uncomplicated your life.

Shul,

Work on the plan B letter, but I'm a little nervous about this for you. You've been kind of sucked into your almost-plan-B by recent drama. You sound like you're pretty much over the emotions created by all that, but plan B should be done more deliberately than this.

Can you be firm? Refuse to speak with him at all? Can you tell him, if you want to talk about ending your affair and coming back to our marriage, then I'll talk to you, otherwise I'll avoid you completely? And can you back it up?

So, how often were you hearing from him?

Maybe you could send him a postcard. My cell was stolen; call me at work/home if you want to talk.

I'm almost as confused as you are, girl. I hope this settles out soon. Everything seems all mangled right now for you.

GC

Maybe thats too vague.


How does this sound to a man:

- I love you, and I am willing to make a fresh start together.

-You are welcome to call me when you are done seeing other women.

I don't know. Why am I making all the effort here? Maybe he is the one who should be thinking about what to say to me...

I want him to call me and just say he is done with her. That there will be no more contact.

We simuposted.

Sometimes he would call me every couple of days, other times I wouldn't hear from him for a week.

It depended on whether he was with her. He wouldn't call me when he was with her.

It was weird that last weekend, I know she was at his place , and he drove her home and came straight here after.

He seemed so glad to see me, relieved, kind of.

But I can't deal with his "when I'm with you I'm with you ", stuff.

No he can't keep doing that. She almost had him believing it was ok. Actually when I was talking to her she made it seem so normal...like it was a practical arrangement.

You see what he has been up against?

But not anymore. He knows right from wrong.

I just keep thinking how would he feel if I did that to him- slept with another man 3 days a week, and then slept with him 2 other nights...

I pray he will think about that.

You've made a case for him choosing you, and on the fence he sits.

The unusual thing in your situation is that even if having an affair isn't exactly normal, living separately from you has been normal to him for a long time. It can't be like that. Maybe that should be part of what you tell him too. If you're going to be married, you need to be together. He is terrified of intimacy I guess. Why is he afraid?

GC

Chris, it might not be the end of the world. Shul, I don't think you should allow concern that he will think you are angry cause you to panic and call him.
I was no tsuggesting she call him. And laying low for a few days is not a problem.

But if the plan is to stay dark until he wants to come back, it ain't gonna work.

He knows that I love him and that and I want to be with him. I did a very good plan A the past while.
He also knows that what he was doing was wrong and that he can't be with both of us.
I don't have to spell it out.
Uh, yes you do. That is part of a healthy marriage and is one of the key components of MB.
That was probably part of the problem prior to his affair (it is for most people in this situation, I'm not suggesting you're "unique".)

You both need to say what you mean and mean what you say.

The ball is in his court. He made a bad mess this time, and I can't fix it by myself.
No, you can't. But you DO need to tell him exactly what he has to do to satisfy you that he is willing to at least try.

When he does call eventually, I have to be very clear.
That is assuming he calls and wants to work it out.

quote:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Men often prefer step-by-step directions over a requirement that they be psychic...)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I missed that. You are right.
When he does call eventually, I have to be very clear.
Help me out on this!
Okay. Do a proper Plan B with a Plan B letter. This will be very clear & "step-by-step".

graycloud,
Can you be firm? Refuse to speak with him at all? Can you tell him, if you want to talk about ending your affair and coming back to our marriage, then I'll talk to you, otherwise I'll avoid you completely? And can you back it up?
That is a proper a Plan B!

I want him to call me and just say he is done with her. That there will be no more contact.
Then why do you think telling him this will drive him away?

I suggest you read up on Plan B a bit more.

Gray,

He is afraid of being rejected.

He was cast into several foster homes as a child- each one changed their minds about keeping him after promising to be his new mommy and daddy.

Imagine clinging to your mom and dad and having them say"no Son, you have to go with the lady now..." as they push away your hands.

When he was finally adopted he was 5years old and already was a mess- attachment problems etc.

His pattern has been to reject people before they can reject him, esp those who he cares about , like me, because it would hurt more, you see?

So he has been more comfortable in shallow relatioships, where he can walk away anytime and not feel anything, like with OW.

But it is not working anymore.

That is why I have always reached out, always reassured him of my faithfulness and love, always forgiven and been the first to make peace...because he couldn't risk it, and I could.

But now he has to risk it I guess.

Do you understand?

I tried to fill his love bank for 18 years, and it just made him more scared of losing me, so he detached more. It is a catch 22 sort of sitch, yes?

Maybe I have to back off a bit and let him come to me.

I think this is too big for me, that God needs to do the healing , and I need to let him.

???
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

- I love you, and I am willing to make a fresh start together.

-You are welcome to call me when you are done seeing other women.

I'm not a man... but yes, this is absolutely fine. You've cut right to the heart of what a Plan B letter is. If you have no other arrangements that need to be made, then write this on a note -- put it in the mail -- and then go on about your day.