My story is in the Pregnancy and Child Section.

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Genia - If I remember right, your WH has OC and still sees the mom.

Plan B letter should say that you love your husband and have kept your vows. But to avoid losing your love for him, you will not have contact with him of any kind until he stops contacting OW.

You may have to modify it, to say until he has you accompany him on all visits.

Then tell him you will be glad to discuss reconciliation when he can agrees to this, and sends NC letter.

There are a lot of folks here who are more expert than I am. Hopefully they will chime in.

Genia,

The following is an example of a Plan B letter that is taken from the book "Surviving an Affair." You may need to change some things to fit your particular circumstance, but the letter should generally be along these lines.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

My Dear Sue,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsiblity to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

(John delivered the letter to Sue and he also sent a copy to Greg with a note at the bottom saying:)

I love Sue with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now, I don't know if you are ready for Plan B, if you have done Plan A well enough, or if you are receiving any guidance from Steve Harley or another MB-Certified Coach. I would strongly recommend having a good professional who is familiar with these concepts helping you through something like this...if this is the path you must take.

All the best.

-HD

Thank you all.

I found somebody else's letter and made it my own. What do you think. Yes I am ready. My story is in Pregnancy and Child. I cannot afford counseling on this. Do I give him this letter with protection order? I do not know where he will go as the house is mine. My children are by previous marriage.


Dear husband,

This is such a hard letter to write to you. I feel devastated that our love for each other has become so cold. The decision I now have to make is out of necessity to preserve the love I still have for you.
I have made many mistakes in the last 3 years and I cannot change them or take any of them back. I have expressed over and over to you my deep sorrow and regret for cheating on you while you were in prison. I know you feel you cannot trust me but if we made an effort together we could at least be more open and honest with each other. I also know that you would like to see me be more of an outgoing type person. I would be willing to seek therapy to help me be that type of person.
Since the day I discovered your affair, I have waited patiently for you to end your relationship with Other Woman. It has been the most horrible, difficult and painful experience I have ever been through. The hurt and emptiness I experience daily is almost too much to bear. I'm afraid that my emotional connection to you is lessening and my love for you is slipping away. In order to protect the love that I feel for you, I believe it would be best for us to not have any further contact. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you and will no longer offer financial support. I hope you understand that this is by no means a punishment to you, but rather to protect my feelings for you and preserve a possible reconciliation in the future. I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. This letter is an honest effort to keep a love you don't see nor accept at this time. In time, I hope you will see that love, but I also know that you may never accept my love again.
When you are willing to completely and permanently end your relationship with OW other than pickup and drop-off of your daughter, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together. The way things stand now, I feel being with you is too painful as you continue to call OW behind my back and to disrespect my feelings. I do care for your new baby and would be willing to help raise her, but it would have to be in our home.
As soon as you are willing to separate completely from OW other than contact with your daughter, I will be willing to talk about our future. We can discuss a plan to renew the love you and I both know was once so strong.
I love you WS,
ME

Genia - I know I have read your story on Pregnancy board. When you say help raise the child in your home, do you mean OW would have to give up child to you and WH or do you mean that visitation has to be in your home?

Here's all the examples you should need.

Plan B letter examples

Beleiver,

I mean visitation would have to be in my home, or some neutral place involving me and not in her place of dwelling. I will make that change in letter to clarify.

PS: Another question I have is when doing a Plan B letter, How does WS let you know if he thinks he is ready to resume relationship. Should there be a period of time. Should he call, or write. What should be method of communication if and when WS might be ready to resolve differences.

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 07:58 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Sounds very reasonable to me.

Genia, I responded to you over in PG as well! When he wants to resolve the conflicts in the marriage and work on recovery, he must first go thru your Intermediary...and he must meet all your requests in your letter! There is no time limit on the Plan B...remember Plan B is to protect YOU from all of this pain he is causing you!

Could the intermediary be his Step-mom. She seemed to be the most impartial person during our relationship as far as not taking sides since he is not her blood son. Only she just suffered a heart attack but she is recovering. Or could it be his sister. She says she does not hate me for leaving because she knows her brother is wrong but that she will always love her brother. She has WH's two boys.

Could the intermediary be his Step-mom. She seemed to be the most impartial person during our relationship as far as not taking sides since he is not her blood son. Only she just suffered a heart attack but she is recovering. Or could it be his sister. She says she does not hate me for leaving because she knows her brother is wrong but that she will always love her brother. She has WH's two boys.

Could anybody else give me ideas concerning Plan B or Plan B letter. I am gonna revise letter slightly when I get a break at work. Any thoughts appreciated.

Genia~

I think the letter is very good. I think you might be leaving the door open a bit much as to contact w/ ow because of OC though.

If either his step-mom or sister are willing and up to the task, yes, I believe they would be good choices. Anyone on your side of the family though? Or a very close friend?

doublepost

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 12:49 PM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

I have told nobody in my family except a sister when I was about to break-up before. I do not think Husband would contact her. I think it might put too much strain on Step-Mom since she just had an heart attack. He would probably contact his sister since she has his kids. We have no mutual friends. I really have no friends I am in contact with presently. I am gonna rewrite letter when I get a chance to include more details concerning third party and what I expect concerning contact with OC when I get finished with my work. I need to move quickly before husband wants to make up, or have another argument. I want to part on good terms.

double post

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Genia:
<strong> PS: Another question I have is when doing a Plan B letter, How does WS let you know if he thinks he is ready to resume relationship. Should there be a period of time. Should he call, or write. What should be method of communication if and when WS might be ready to resolve differences. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He should go through the intermediary with the message that he's ready to discuss the conditions you gave for reconciliation. There really is no time limit (hopefully it will be quick), but you just want to make sure (and get assurances from him) that he is serious about it.

It would probably involve him taking some "extraordinary precautions" on his part to make you feel safe enough that the conditions will be met.

Here is revision to my letter. I used peices of different letters and some of my own words. Please Advise.


Dear husband,

It is with the greatest pain that I sit here and write this letter to you. I feel devastated that our love for each other has become so cold. The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation. Please let me explain.

I have made many mistakes in the last 3 years and I cannot change them or take any of them back. I have expressed over and over to you my deep sorrow and regret for cheating on you while you were in prison. I know you feel you cannot trust me but if we made an effort together we could at least be more open and honest with each other
Since the day I discovered your affair, I have waited patiently for you to end your relationship with Other Woman. It has been the most horrible, difficult and painful experience I have ever been through. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. I'm afraid that my emotional connection to you is lessening and my love for you is slipping away. In order to protect the love that I feel for you, I believe it would be best for us not to have contact. I cannot continue to see or talk with you while you talk to OW on an almost daily basis. I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. This letter is an honest effort to keep a love you don't see nor accept at this time. In time, I hope you will see that love, but I also know that you may never accept my love again.
As you know I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you, in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished, and honored. I simply cannot continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with OW. It has become too painful. We can only build a marriage together when you have completely severed relationship with OW.

When you are willing to completely and permanently end your relationship with OW other than pickup and drop-off of your daughter, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together. The way things stand now, I feel being with you is too painful as you continue to call OW behind my back and to disrespect my feelings. I do understand your desire for contact with your soon to be born daughter but I expect you to establish paternity and visitation legally through the court system. I would also require that you take a person with you whom you and I trust for pickup/dropoff. I feel that any other arrangement would leave you and I open to manipulation by the OW. I love you, but I refuse to be a doormat any longer.
I would also like any communications between us to be handled through your step-mom or sister. We can then discuss a plan to renew the love you and I both know was once so strong.
I love you WS,
ME

You don't really say anything about loving him

Just simply lay out the facts.
Expand these paragraphs. Don't "mix & match" them. Keep the no-contact portion limited to the no contact paragraph. Don't stick it in two or three places.

1 I love you.
2 I apologize for the past. I'm learning new relationship stuff.
3 You affair hurts me. Because of this, I will end all contact until your affair is over.
4 You can see the children by contacting mr. x.
5 We can work it out and I'll wait for that chance.
6 I love you.