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Joined: Mar 2004
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WH moved into his own apt in July, but he has continued to spend most nights at my apt. He wants to lie next to me in bed and hold me. He sais he's very alone at his apt. He doesn't even have a tv. He still calls me everyday at work to check in & see how things are going. I try not to take these things as hopeful signs, but it's really hard not to.

OW told WH that she was giving her husband another chance and that he (WH) should "move on" with his life. Of course, she prefaces this statement with "I do still love you." This manages to break his heart a litte and keep him hanging on at the same time. OW & family (husband and 3 children) just got back from a vacation. Now, OW & OWH are planning a cruise together. Since OWH found out about the A, he bought her a new SUV and started MC. OWH makes 6-7 times more than my husband. OW told WH that she & her kids couldn't leave her husband's money.

WH called me after lunch today. He was in an empty conference room and was crying so hard that I could barely understand him. He told me that he had called OW. She told him she wasn't leaving her husband. I just listened...I didn't really know what to say. He called me back when he got off work 3 hours later. He was still crying.

Okay, here's where I need some advice. Should I continue to be there for him? He still claims to be in love with OW. Or, should I go to Plan B & let him crash & burn without me? My head sais let go so he'll see what he's missing. My heart, the same heart that has been his best friend since we were teenagers, wants to console him so he'll remember how good we are together.

What do you think and why?

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Sweetie -

Now is your chance. You need to hold and comfort him. Show him that you love him. He has been addicted, and now will come out of it. So be there for him.

Spiderslayer had the same thing happen to her husband. OW broke up with him. She did her best to be his friend. Now he cannot believe that he ever did and said the things he did.

I know that it does not seem fair, but if you want your marriage, time to put your best effort forth.

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Believer,
I actually find it pretty easy to be his friend when he's hurting, even though it's grief over OW. Until a year ago, he and I have always been there for eachother. In high school & college, we were mostly just eachother's really good friend. We would console the eachother when we would get our hearts broken. Eventually, we realized that we preferred to spend time w/ eachother rather than w/ our current boyfriend or girlfriend.

I'm still afraid that WH will break landspeed records running to OW if she calls. There is the possibility that she'll change her mind and want WH back.

I guess if that happens, that will be my cue to jump to Plan B.

I'm still not sure he'll really realize what he's done to our family unless he completely crashes and burns. I do NOT want to hurt him. I cannot bear to see him cry; however, I don't want him still wonder if the grass might have been greener.

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No forget all of that. He is crashing and burning right now. Help him.

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Do as Believer says. She guided me through my own storm, and she did a great job. Very intuitive.

My FWH lived in his apartment for 3 months after the OW got herself another BF. That is how long it took him to defog. She kept him hanging on, as well.

Be there for him, love him, and help him through the withdrawals of his horrible addiction. My H always knew I was there for him if he needed me, and when he was ready and able, he came back to me. He now thanks me each day for keeping the faith in us, while he was lost to himself. And for letting him come back home.

And each day, I thank him for coming back to me. I have been with him since I was 16. He has always been my best friend. And it broke my heart to see him in so much pain, even if it was over another woman.

It comes down to loving that other person - that person you have been through so much with. Love him, expect nothing in return right now. Your return lies down the road, but it pays dividends, I promise!

Take care.

SS

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Believer & Spider Slayer,
Thank you both so much for being there when I need help.

WH went out and got REALLY drunk last night. He called me when he got to his apt and his speech was so slurred that I couldn't understand him. He's been drinking a lot over the last 6 months. He's also driving himself home afterwards. He's on some sort of a self destructive path right now. He has managed to completely ruin his credit by not making payments for the last 5-6 months. Even though the cards are in his name only, we BOTH worked very hard to build up this good credit.

WH called when he got home from work tonight. He's so depressed right now. He told me he wishes he would be hit by a car and die. I told him that I had felt that way too for the first 3 months after d-day. He said "You mean I will feel like this for 3 months!" I told him that I couldn't predict his emotions, but that I would be there for him.

It's really amazing how attached these affairees can get to eachother over such a short period of time. They were planning to get married and have a child and everything. I can tell he still wants those things w/ OW. I hope he eventually comes out of this and realizes that was all a fantasy.

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Lost,
I wish I could do what your doing, but my W is too busy chasing after the fantasy. She crapped out during the middle of withdrawal, fortunate for me (I guess) OM isn't interested in a R with my W. She's still chasing after him like a fool and leaving me behind with 2 kids to do it. I know all of this from the emails I read..she's pursuing him...

Back to you, BRAVO! Hang in there and be as supportive as you can. I love the way Believer says if you look at the A as an addiction it becomes a little easier to deal with.

Good Luck!

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I'm trying VERY hard to be patient and understanding while WH goes through this withdrawal. Meanwhile, he calls OW everyday, even though she has asked him not to. He even went to one of her daughter's plays over the weekend. He sat in the back so he could leave easily, but in walked OWH & OW and sat right next to him. Apparently, OWH was holding OW's hand and kissing her all during the play. WH said it hurt so much he could barely sit there.


I'm not sure I can do this for very long. WH just keeps crying all day and all night. He's hardly been to his apt at all. He talks about OW and the plans they had, and wants to know how she can just walk away from him so easily. The more he confides in me lately, the more I realize the magnitude of the lies he told me.

So far, I've held it together and listened without becoming emotional. I'm just not sure I can do it for much longer. Am I being the fool? Some of my friends tell me to let him hit bottom so he'll come begging me to take him back. I'm not sure that would happen. I want to be there for him, but I don't want to get hurt all over again. I respect Believer's & Spider Slayer's advice to continue to be there for him. Right now, I'm doing that. Sometimes it just hurts SOOOO much knowing that it's OW he's crying over.

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Lost & Alone -

I'm so sorry for your pain. Make an effort to have "alone time" for taking care of yourself, too. You need the privacy to do your own grieving, and a time to be refreshed.

Do you have a counselor who can help YOU through this, even if your H won't go, although he needs to go very much. He might even be helped by anti-d's at this point.

This is awful for you, but try to remember that your H is addicted to OW and still believes that what they had was real. Everything he says and thinks right now is in "fogese," but as he recovers and moves into the light of day, he will eventually be able to see how fake their fantasy was, even their "plans" for the future.

It's not impossible for someone to come out of the fog (I'm living proof). It could take a very long time, though, so I hope you can get some emotional support and advice for how to take care of yourself meanwhile.

God bless,

Rose55

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LA,

I definitely agree with everyone, you should help him, especially if you still love him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But, IMHO, since he is being so honest with you, and talking to you about her. You should take this opportunity and share with him how you felt and still feel about his affair.

Let him know that what he is going through now you have already been through, ten fold, and after all he has put you through you are still willin to be there for him, being a friend.

I bet it will be an eye opener for him, and maybe he will start to see that you are the one he needs most in his life.

That even though he has hurt you as bad as he is hurting right now you are still there for him, giving him all the love and support he needs and comforting him through all of this.

I really do think that you should take advantage of this situation and be as honest with him as you can possibly be.

Remember, my dear, when God closes a door somewhere he opens a window...This just might be your window. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Good luck! TG

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I would continue on supporting him. Everytime he talks about how wonderful OW is, think of him as a junkie talking about how wonderful heroin is.

I even told my WH that we would have it made if he could just get over OW. He said "Yes, I know whe could." However OW won't leave him along.

So I think very soon your WH will see that his life is with you. Then he will look back and not be able to believe that he ever felt any different.

You might also suggest he see the doctor for some anti-D's. They help.

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Thank you Rose55 & Tommysgirl.

I have actually already told WH that he is going through something terrifyingly similar to what I went through after d-day.

WH & I both had out IC sessions today. We go to the same IC, but at different times. Anyway, his appt is last and he called me afterwards. He asked to come by my office. (It's just a few miles from the IC office.) I said sure. We stayed at my office from 5:00pm - 7:15pm just talking. Nothing really new or earthshattering was told, but it was nice anyway.

WH was on Lexapro (ADs). He thought they were giving him chest pains, so the Dr took him off. I told him to call and ask for something else. His IC told him the same thing today.

WH informed me that he has 2 pictures of OW on his desk at work. He told me he's still in love with her. He told me he loves me too. He's not ready to completely give up hope on their relationship. Sometimes I wish he would just stay away from me and let me go on with my life, but I'm not ready for that either.

Forward, march.

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Learn to babble back at him. When he says he is in love with his drug, tell him "I know you are, sorry you are going through this."

Whatever he babbles, just be sympathetic, say hmmm, poor baby, I know it hurts, I hate to see you hurting, blah, blah, blah.

Suddenly he will wake up and see that YOU are his soulmate. Don't give up. When you are going crazy listening to his fog talk, come here and vent. We will help you through this.

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Believer,
Yes, I think (or hope) that WH will eventually get over OW if they can just stay away from eachother. That's the big IF. OW is a SAHM w/ lots of time on her hands, especially after school starts this week.

All I can do is remain calm and be there for him. Hopefully, that will chip away at the fog.

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I think you've got it. Just be sympathetic and wait this thing out. Hard to do, but so worth it.

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Well, as I predicted, OW & WH are talking again. She is supposedly still working on her marriage, but being "friends" with WH. I can't make WH understand that they can't be friends, so I don't even try anymore.

I managed to get WH back on his Lexapro. He's much calmer and doesn't seem to need me now. I must admit I feel very used. For 2 weeks, I listened to him cry and carry on about OW when she broke up with him. Now that she's talking to him again, WH doesn't need me. Maybe I made a mistake being there for him. Maybe I should have let him crash & burn. Oh, well, too late for coulda-shoulda-woulda's.

I am now thinking about telling WH that we should just stay away from eachother for a couple weeks, sort of a modified Plan B. I will miss him terribly, but his continued contact with OW hurts more.

Spider Slayer, you said you comforted your WH when he went through something similar and he eventually came around. How long did it take? Did he continue contact w/ OW for a while?

Any advice?

Thanks in advance,
L&A

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WH is still big time fence sitting. Even though OW told him she's working on her marriage, she is still keeping in daily contact with WH. Of course, he is hoping she will change her mind and come running back to him. Who knows, that just might happen.

I don't think I have any choice but to go to Plan B. I wish I didn't have to do that, but what choice do I have at this point? I've shown WH that I still love him, and I was there when he needed me. Now maybe he needs to realize that he needs me even when he's not falling apart.

This will be very very hard for me....probably even harder than it will be for WH. Like I said, I don't really have a choice now. I may need some help from you guys to get through this.

Okay, (deep breath), any thoughts?

L&A

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Hi Lost & Alone,

I am sorry that you are going through this tough time, but I am glad that you are here for support.

I read with great interest your postings and you seem like a person of great compassion and patience. I can relate to your reluctance to go to Plan B--I'm in the same place. I have been in Plan A for almost six months hoping for a better outcome, but now I see I have to go to Plan B. WH has a very addictive personality and although OW has not rejected him, the small amount of misery of double life is not motivation enough for him to stop C--hence, fence-sitting. I have to protect myself because if I endure more, there will not be anything left in the love bank.

How is your love bank? Can you endure contact with H and still have love? I will miss WH also, but I won't miss this alien who has taken over his body or the pain. I do miss my H and wish he would come back healed/defogged.

I have been thinking about plan B for two months, but now I see that I am ready to do this because I am stronger and have a plan. This is a tough choice and maybe you will want to think about your options and when you are ready, you can develop your plan too.

L&H I am sending a {{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}} and support.

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SureSurvivor,
In answer to your question, my lovebank is pretty much empty. No deposits in almost a year.

I'm trying to set myself up to better handle Plan B. My daughter and I are moving to a nicer apt in a nicer area. I'm sorta jazzed about that. I hate moving, but for some reason, I'm looking forward to it.

I'm cautiously trying to reconcile w/ my biological mother. It's a L-O-N-G story that I won't go into here, but we've been estranged for over 8 years. Quite frankly, we were never that close. (At the age of 6 months, I was adopted & raised by my maternal grandparents.) This gives me somewhere else to be besides home alone.

I'm also very active in all of my daughter's activities. This takes up HUGE amounts of time (& money).

Anyway, I'm trying to stay busy busy busy. I guess I'm Plan B bound.

(sigh)

L&A

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Have you exposed the A to OWH? If not, I would do that today! He needs to know that his recovery hasn't begun either. You can lead him here (unless he's already here).

Be sweet and nice fulfilling his top three EN's but I would be VERY clear with him that you do not want a M that includes ANY contact with OW EVER. Get him used to the idea that he will have to give her up completely to have a M with you. He is going through withdrawal now, but he is only half-heartedly going through it...keeping hope alive he can have a friendship with her... Burst that bubble. And say it with a smile. This way when (if?) the Plan B occurs, he's been warned and he continued anyway...

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