</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Fishracer: ....WW came by today informing me that she "definitely, without question" wants a divorce and will be pursuing such next week. She was very calm, not hostile and for the 1st. time EVER; did not place blame my way, only in her direction. (Although I have definitely contributed to our M problems and told her again.) She also took several of her belongings and will be coming back tomorrow with a truck & trailer for more.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Well in the fog time is not a definite means of measurement. Yea, their talk sounds like and may even actually do the D but the A is like holding your breathe under water. Maybe fun for a while but you can't live that way.
Let her take her stuff.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Fishracer:I believe her about filing this time. Her "admission" was heartfelt and I sense that she is feeling she has done too much damage to ever be able to help repair our marriage. She has also made it clear that she is still not receptive to talking with me about anything. I did ask her if she would consider just 1 call to SH (as he strongly requested) but she refused..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: She has to keep convincing herself. Often the WS does this by provoking the BS into guilt, blame or shame. If she isn't receptive, then don't cast your pearls b4......
U can counsel w/Steve. He will prepare you for what c/b ahead.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Fishracer:
My question to you (and any of you out there) is to explain "the fog" as best you can. I would be especially interested to hear from or about those who were in the deepest imaginable and pulled out to later success. Please include as much detail as possible. (Thoughts, time taken, what brought you out and so on.) Thanks. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Awwwhhh.... THE FOG... sounds like the name of a bad movie. We have discussed and described the fog many times here.
The short version: The fog is a state of mind where the body along with many other unwilling participants are forced to find their way without guidance or support in a dark and dingy road....full of obstacles of agression, potholes of despair, roadblocks of guilt, rocks of anger, bumps of denial and no lines, signs or maps to guide you. Periodic hazards include discombobulated OPs running like maniacs in and out of our path. You hear the laughter but it isn't funny, you feel the cold stares and the firey touch that causes you the crinch yet you can not see it's origin. You follow a familar voice that leads you down path after path of deadends, you are told it is your fault you are lost, yet the voice begs you to continue. Often you feel you are at your wits end but you struggle to continue. You feel like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and in some cases you are carrying your feelings and those of your children, pets, family, finances and friends who have all been injured by the fog.
Is there an end? A light at the end of the tunnel? Yes there is. What is it? It starts out with personal recovery (learning and implementing info from places like MB, with a good MC coach, reading, posting, venting, create a support group, sharing your situation with those who have traveled in the fog and can tell you what to watch for, etc. You learn to admit your mistakes but not become a doormat. You learn how to babble back and strengthen your stance.
The fog no longer becomes that scary place. You learn how to step out of the fog, find and keep your sanity. You learn to survive.
Should your spouse also come out of the fog, it will take time. Often longer than the A itself. You learn not to take them back with open arms but rather with a healing touch. Boundaries, values and guidelines become basic requirements for the WS to come back only after the WS becomes the Xws then the spouse.
During this stage, the BS learns that their own needs s/b met. Not all at one time but slowly. More work for the WS and less for the BS. The BS is generally quite astute by this time on identifying and meeting the needs of the Ws. Don't meet them all at once. Otherwise, the WS may take you for granted. Can't have that.
Keep your values high. You don't want t/b married to a WS, right? You want your spouse back and better......
The fog must be eliminated for recovery to succeed.
Hope this helps. If not it will at least give you goose bumps. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
L.
