Hi,

I have been posting mostly on pregnancy child, but felt this was more appropriate here. I am home today with sick child and decided to snoop in my H's truck since he left it home today. Found recent cards/letters/calling card and such from OW to H sent to a mutual friend of ours! I have wondered all along if this man was helping H but now I know. Not only that but the A is still going and I found how much my H has lied to me. I am sickened and don't know what to do. I am in plan A and it has been going great. Lots of SF. We are in intense MC and he has been home more and more lately. Far more interested in me and our c's. OW is pg with possibly H's OC. Don't know when she is due or anything. She HATES me and has said very nasty things about me to my H and to me in a letter. I now know for sure I won't have contact w/OC like I hoped because she despises me.

Anyway sorry for the long rant, but what do I do now that I know? I forgot the rule of if you snoop be prepared for what you find. Argghh...

Killnme

Killnme,
Am I correct to assume that this mutual friend is a man? Is he married? If so. I'd have a little talk with his wife. Not sure she'd appreciate her H help your H with the infidelity. Maybe your H is helping this guy with his affair.

Regardless if he's married or not I'd write him a letter if it were me. I tell him that you are aware of his actions that have helped hide your H's affair. Tell him you are trying to save the marriage and you'd appreciate it if he would discontinue his help. Make it a very calm yet firm tone.

Mac

No, this man is not married. He is long time friend of H who became my friend too. I got him his job years ago and I can't believe he could look me in the eye and do this. So what do I do now? Do I tell my H I snooped? Is it a major LB to confront him about his continuing to lie? I don't even know if I want him anymore. He has become a far better liar than ever.

Killnme

Help me please! We have MC tonight and I need to know if I tell me H what I found snooping today? Do I talk to him about his "friend" and the on-going A? I see no evidence of contact in the last two weeks, but I can't be certain because now I know she text messages him too.

Please help I am dying here!

Do you think it would help you to confront him at this point? You say "recent"communication, and I get the idea it has been two weeks.

Is he claiming no contact during the time he got the letters?

You may want to discuss these things in MC and tell how it makes you feel, but remember not to LB.

I know it really affects you to find this kind of stuff, and I know it will be hard to get it out of your mind - do you think you can do OK in MC?

SS

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I believe it has been two weeks. I see no evidence after that, and this weekend was the best we have had in along time. Just not sure if I am supposed to "own up" to snooping?

Killnme

Make copies of the info (letters and such), then put them in a safe place. Subtly drop hints to this 'friend' to find out what he would do if a person said some bad things about you to him. He maybe duped a bit but he is not 100% innocent. He is enabling the A, either diliberately or otherwise.

Don't let on your source. If he asks for proof, let him know he can go and confront those who maybe doing the talking. He knows who they are.

Don't expose to MC or your H....yet. Call Steve H at MB and do some phone counseling out of earshot of your H. You need individual counseling right now.

Also, you need to find out about OW. Some OWs like to do fako pregnancies.

take care,
L.

I wouldn't own up to snooping unless it gets you something.

You may be better off to wait and see if anything else comes along - if you talk about it now, he will hide things better and you won't know what happens.

Orchid has been where you are, and she has some good suggestions.

Let us know how MC goes. Act as though he is doing well, and you are making progress, and see where it gets you.

SS

Still seeking and I rarely disagree. But... I disagree.

Make copies of everything and all the copies in a safe place.

And then take EVERYTHING that you found to MC. And just hand it to him. Right there in front of the MC and God and everybody.

Here's what you say while you're doing this. "I cleaned out the truck for you."

And then just wait. Do not say one single word more.

At the end of the session, say this: "I love you. I want to remain married to you. I will not participate in a triangle."

For the three days afterwards, keep the discussions to "I'm going to have a coke. Do you want one?"