You ol' MB heads out there, how did you cope with the terrible lovelessness/loneliness of fog days ?

I could cry with it. I can see why some would reach out for an A of their own at this time - not for revenge ,just for the loving touch of an adult.

Any advice other than keeping busy ? I feel like a heartsick teen again ! I was 18 the last time my WW made me feel this way by cooling is off for a week ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Bob,

This is really though. After the initial shock (which lasted several weeks)I tried to keep busy as much as I could when I first found out about my WH's EA. I got a new job, started working out at the gym and running. Running outdoors actually helped me a lot. It took a while to get the hang, but eventually I got an understanding what they mean by "runner's high". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

When I got terribly lonely, I would reach out to friends and it helped just to get a hug once in a while or a pat on the shoulder, someone taking me for coffee and just telling me that I will be okay no matter what happens. This is something that I keep telling myself even now almost every day. I will be okay no matter what happens.

I can also understand why some people may have an affair. Probably not so much out of revenge, but out of sheer loneliness. It can be very tempting. I am proud to say that I was able to withstand any advances (and there had been quite a few...), but I knew that it would have not really helped my situation.

Just a few days ago, I found out that WH is once again in phone contact with OW and her BF/Fiancee and I have to say that even though I was upset, I find myself getting less and less emotional about it. I don't know if this is good or bad. I don't really know anymore what or how to feel about it. I am afraid though that if this continues that I may become vulnerable if someone would show interest in me. I never thought I would say this because I have been very strong on this stance (wrote about it in one of my recent threads), but my little strong cardhouse is beginning to crumble.

It is really really hard to stay strong.

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong> You ol' MB heads out there, how did you cope with the terrible lovelessness/loneliness of fog days ?

I could cry with it. I can see why some would reach out for an A of their own at this time - not for revenge ,just for the loving touch of an adult.

Any advice other than keeping busy ? I feel like a heartsick teen again ! I was 18 the last time my WW made me feel this way by cooling is off for a week ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I sure can relate to how you're feeling. It's been 10 weeks since we've been intimate, 8 weeks since I've gotten even a peck on the cheek (10 weeks since he's sincerely kissed me), and he hasn't voluntarily touched me, even to give a hug, in 8 weeks. I'm about to go CRAZY, especially since affection is my #1 EN.

H did say "I love you" today- kind of made my day, but I still took it with a grain of salt since i just found out yesterday (he doesn't know I know) he's been cheating on me online with at least two women. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But I know the feeling. I've never even LOOKED at another man in a sexual way since H and I started dating, 6 years ago. I realize this isn't common, even for a happily married person, and I'm not trying to brag or anything, that's just how I am- very much a "one-man" woman, in every way- mentally and physically. However, I've realized that in the past month, when out at the grocery store, mall, etc., I find myself noticing cute guys my age and noticing if they look at me. This is, I think, normal and instinctive for most people, but I haven't had thoughts like that in so long- it kind of bothers me, even though I know brief thoughts like that are not sinful, as long as I don't purposely think that way and don't allow myself to lust. But it does bother me that I "notice" other men, because even when my H hardly fulfilled my need for affection at all, I stayed completely focused on him. With NO affection for as long as it's been, though, I find my mind (and eyes) starting to wander sometimes. And I really hate that.

No advice, really, I'm trying to figure this out myself. Just stay strong, try to keep your mind and heart as pure as possible- hopefully your marriage will one day be healed, and you will be happy in the knowledge that you were faithful to your wife not only in body, but in mind as well.

Bob - I know - it's really tough - we BS are totally drained emotionally and physically - while our WS are what we so much desire.

There are days that I cry because I feel so unloved and shut out knowing that my WH is having his cake and eating it too..

Luckily, I have friends/family that I call and vent my feeling too..THey probably aren't even listening anymore they just agree with me and let me vent. Knowing that it keeps me from mentally colapsing...I'm afraid to go out and have drinks or I might really lose it and tell anyone that will listen to my tales of woe..

I swear I do laundry every day just to keep busy. I do have a horse that takes me away from home so that helps when I want to strangle my WH. My horse loves me unconditionally and is happy to see me - so unlike my WH.

Join a group or do something you have always wanted to do but didn't have the time..Something you really would like and would look forward to doing.

I feel your pain.....

I just want my baby to want to hold and kiss me again.

Soon, please Lord. Soon....

Bob,

You sounded so good earlier today. What's up?

Not drinking with those meds, are you?

Everything will be fine. The kids will be at the tournament and a good time will be had by all!!
(except maybe OM)

Must be nighttime over there. Gnight.
k

K I'm coping, I'm just a bit sad and loveless right now. No more drinking don't worry !

I left that mess Bob in the car wreck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am having an increasing problem with this lovelessness. Its hard being a BS.

I have a dark repeat thought that I could do a better plan A if I had someone to confide in who cared for and hugged me....in short: an affair partner.

This is completely unacceptable of course. I hope I am exorcising that thought by writing it down.

Bob,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have a dark repeat thought that I could do a better plan A if I had someone to confide in who cared for and hugged me....in short: an affair partner. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't EVEN go there... call a good male friend and go have a beer with him...

Don't compound your trials and pain by adding another person into the mix...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

RIF90 ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! I am saying so I won't do.

besides which, I love my WW. I have no instinct to do anything to hurt her even tough she digs my heart our with a spoon each day right now.

We;re out with friends tonight so I must be at my most charming and attractive for my WW to notice.
I feel like rat spit, so I need to go limber up my funny muscles <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Bob

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, however, it appears that the only action you are willing to fully commit to is expressing your pain and bewilderment on these forums.

You have been advised for weeks now the best thing you could possibly do, is expose this A to the OM's GF. You keep telling us that you don't know when to call her, the line is busy, etc.

You simply haven't grasped how important it is to contact OM's GF. I believe I read she's an hour and a half drive from you. I'm telling you that I would have walked that distance by now, and fully exposed to her, if I loved my W as much as you say you do.

Talking about it isn't getting it done. Walking the talk is what makes things happen. The exposure will make it more difficult for the OM to be around your WW at the tourney. She may even go with the OM to keep an eye on him.

You have got to get this out in "the light of day" to help it end. Wishing and hoping and whining will not get it done.

Your ACTION will!

Get it done, Bob!

SD

Rebuilding in Faith 90 - LOL. You just told Bob to go have a beer on his meds. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sorry ... double post

<small>[ August 14, 2004, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

SD I am sorry that I do vent a lot. My WW has been my sole confidant for many years and I have not really anywhere else (certainly not expert) to ask stuff and tell stuff. It is not my intention to whine.

I got OMs home number today and called, but declined to leave a voicemail. I will call until I speak to a female voice.

I don't know her name, or even for certain if she lives with OM.

The A is exposed to everyone else except my MIL and WWs club coach. I will expose to OM GF as soon as I possibly can.

This OM is not part of my social circle - he is part of WWs. My only/best source of info is WW she she is hardly likely to help me find his GF is she?

I realise how important it is but what you suggest is basiclaly to driv from orlando to Tampa and drive around the phone code area knocking every door.

In the UK it is not such a 'normal' or easy behaviour to hire a PI as I believe it is in the states.

And as I have said elsewhere part if me is distrurbed that if GF leaves OM the door is open for my W to join him. I would be lying if I told you it hadn't stalled my hand a little so far.

If my WW had agreed not to attend tournaments with OM I probably wouldn't have contacted GF but as she cites every intention of so doing I have nothing to lose by full exposure.

The brown stuff will certainly hit the fan however..... I am not looking forward to this at all.

Sorry if it seems I just rant. I am new to all this SD ! You all seem so confidant and sure of what to do and its all far far less certainly positive to me. Is this expose just another counter-intuitive thing I must do to plan A ?

<small>[ August 14, 2004, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Bob

Can you think of ONE thing that will do more to help ending the affair than bringing the OM's GF into the information loop?

If she's fully informed, she will be scrutinizing OM's actions, watching his cell phone use, where he goes, and who he's with, don't you think?

In the US we have "reverse lookup" for phone numbers, and if it's a listed number, you can find the address that matches up to the phone number you have. Is that available in the UK?

One other thing. Your WW will be more attracted to a really strong individual, who appears to be able to live happy and well, inspite of all the inner turmoil you are going through. Invite her along on family outings, and if she declines, take your child out and have a blast! Your child needs attention too, as they DO have an idea all is not well.

In Plan A, you are doing the following things, as flawlessly as possible. Showing your strength. Improving those things about yourself that need improving. Especially those things your WW has commented about in the past. Immerse yourself in positive productivity. Paint, clean, garden, exercise, focus on keeping your mental health intact by activitity. All the while, avoiding relationship talks, actively seeking counseling, and earnestly making deposits in your WW's LoveBank.

Is is easy? No, it's as hard as hard gets. Does it work? Not always, but it's the very best plan you have right now. Avoid all LoveBusters, make the Deposits, and stay (outwardly) happy and positive. Kill her with your kindness and restraint. It will not go unnoticed.

I can't help but think your "oh, woe is me" posts are coming accross in your own behaviour while in the presence of your WW. Take the initiative to be positive and dream up fun things to do, and include the WW whenever possible. She will be reminded of "better times" when this happens, and it will give her doubt as to how important the OM is.

If you are continually sullen and downcast, ready to give up, and full of negative thought and expression, it manifests itself as LoveBuster activity in your WW's alien occupied mind's eye. If you focus on it intently, you can "choose to emotionally detach" from the muck and mire of the chaos, and do this all from an intellectual point of view. It's much easier when you approach it in this way.

Don't let her fog talk penetrate your armour. It's not her speaking. It's the alien. You know your wife still lives within, but you will NOT be fooled by the alien that speaks for her at this time. Nor will you become disenchanted. You will wait patiently for your wife to reemerge, and you will actively follow Plan A to help "find" her.

Hike up yer shorts and get positive, get creative, get ACTIVE, pursue the exposure with a vengence, and show your WW that you are the ONE!

You can do this. Just put a more positive spin on how you approach it. The power of Positive Thinking is more powerful than you might think.

Last thought... if OM and WW are paid officials, it is still worth looking into the "sexual harassment" portion of the official's organization. Surely they have a handbook on policy that's available to you, either online or by mail.

You want your wife back? Then, unfortunately, you are going to have to do ALL the work until the fog clears.

It's not easy, but it's worth it. Get Busy!

SD

<small>[ August 14, 2004, 12:14 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Good needed 4x2 SD. Thanks ! ((( sd )))

Hello, Man,do I know how you feel! After 25 yrs my husband left me Because he fell in love for the 1st time in his life... after a few weeks it didn't work out. He came back home. That was 18 months ago. He says he loves me... for our children, our home... for 25 yrs. But he hasn't even kisses me yet. I cry ever day, Was on AD for almost a year. Paxil, Valum to get through the day & a sleeping pill to get throught the night, (he sleeps so far on his side of the bed sometimes I think he'll fall out). I Do feel better without my meds, more in controll of my life. Hopeful for the future. We have a very happy life... except physically. He seems happy with the way that is, Don't know How!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Rebuilding in Faith 90 - LOL. You just told Bob to go have a beer on his meds. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hey, Bob! sorry about that.... try some near beer instead! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90