Well, I was new here a year ago. I don't know all the short version lingo - other than "EA". I was the one who had an affair. I was in severe need of many things from my husband. I will NOT blame my husband, but know now partially, what needs I didn't have fulfilled that may have contributed to my "EA".

Well, a year ago after I confessed and ended my affair with the man that fulfilled my every emotional need, my husband became SUPER MAN! He read all books he could, he turned into my dream of a man. We have been married for 16 years and in all of those, I only dreamed of ever there being someone so wonderful. Then, it all stopped.

Fast forward a year. Well, actually that blissful time only lasted a short few months. My "dday" was June of 2003. By the end of December, I was living in Hell.

The help I need ... What do I do? We both recognize that it will take both of us to give deposits again to each other. He can't give to me without me first giving to him, I can't give to him without him first giving to me. blah, blah, blah, blah.

I feel betrayed. I feel like he coerced me into staying in this marriage with the promises of love, happiness and the fullfilling of my needs. The promises of a marraige like I had always desired. Then, once committed to staying, he drops the ball. I promised to him never to have another affair - he promised me the world. I've lived up to my end...

When we talk about it - I refer to the time when all was good as "heaven on earth", he tells me that he can't recall it being so good during that time. I feel like he's got amnesia!!!

During this initial recovery period, he read every Dr. Harley book out there. He read Power of a Praying Husband TWICE! He bought Chicken Soup for the Lovers Soul and insisted on us reading a story every night before bed! He LIVED on this website... Now, he won't even consider working - even a little on our marriage.

What can I do? I'm losing faith, not to mention, heading into Bankruptcy with my Bank Account.

You mentioned what he did and then didn't do. Did you fill HIS needs?

It takes two to make a marriage.

Hello buettiful,

I don't know but I think that maybe your H jumped right into trying to make things better for YOU but lost himself along the way.Now,he is going backward in time and maybe feeling rejected and his pain and humiliation is rising to the surface,ready to be dealt with which he did not fully before.

I have to say though,YOU are the one that made the choice to commit adultery which is never the asnwer to anything except: How do you create the worst pain imaginable to another human being?

You both should be trying to fill each other's needs at the same time.This should not be a game of who goes first!.You have lived up to your end of not committing adultery again? I think you are presumptuous.It's only been a year.That is no time at all for a BS to begin to trust again that you wouldn't do the same thing.It wouldn't be for me.

Also,no one coerced you into to staying in the marriage.Again,it was a choice you made like adultery.Let's own our actions shall we?

Are you in counseling?

O

Hi B,

I totally agree with what WAT and Octobergirl said... I posted this to you on the recovery page...

Hi B,

Could it be that your H is sees how unhappy you are and recognizes some of the same "signals" that you gave off prior to having your previous A's?

You mention that your H has read lots of books, done a ton of work on "himself", but that now, it appears to you that he's dropped the ball... so you feel cheated that you "don't have the option" of having another A... ...

Did you and your H get professional MC to deal with your A's? It sounds like you both went through the motions of rebuilding your M, but neither one of you really dealt with the issues of why you felt like straying, and why you strayed... Until you address each and every issue and find out WHY you strayed, then you will never truly start rebuilding your M.

Find a good pro-Marriage MC and start going. Time and reading books won't rebuild your M... both you and your H must wade through all of the crap and deal with your issues together. It's painful, it's hard, and it takes time and patience from both of you... but if you are both committed, then you CAN have a better M.

Get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and read it with your H... and find a good MC and start going as soon as possible...

Semper Fi,
RIF90