Folks,

I am literally freaking out.My MIL just told me that my WH is planning on coming home tonight to stay at the house this week because he realizes it will never work out with the homewrecker and needs to talk to me.What the he** am I supposed to do now? All my MB principles have left my mind.

Can I get some perspective here please?

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

You may not like my idea...

but here 'tis....

Don't be home

Go out with friends. Go to a play, a movie, bowling, coctails ... be away .... and come home late looking like you just had the time of your life.

He should not find you at home waiting. Stay busy. Your life does not go "on hold" for his whims.

Pep

I agree with Pep.

In addition, be prepared to remind him of your un-waivering conditions for recovery, being:

1. STD testing.

2. No contact with OW.

3. Send no contact letter to OW.

4. Counseling (preferrably the Harley's)

5. Follow the MB principles: 4 Rules of Protection, POJA, EN meeting, etc.

6. And anything else you deem necessary for your "New Marriage".

How's that for perspective. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jo

Octobergirl,

I always knew that one of these days, I would read this kind of message from you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I think that you should follow Pep's advice and you should go out with some girlfriends tonight, even if it's just for a little while. Is this possible? You don't want WH to think that you are sitting @ home, waiting for his return.

Other than that, I would also insist on the MB principals regarding contact with OW etc. It sounds like your WH's fog is beginning to lift. I will keep my fingers crossed for you!

Kati

October Girl,

WOW!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
I'm sure this is a Surprise!
What a turn of events. And out of the Blue.

However, isn't it a nice change to be "freaking out" for a good reason for a change?

As to advice: Hey you've been here long enough.
YOU ALREADY Know what to do.

So take some DEEP breaths and attempt to calm down.
You'll need your focus to confront him tonight.

Just give your head a little time to catch up with your emotions (that are naturally raging at the moment).

Even if he has decided to "come home" this is not the time to be Rushing Anything.
The Key for you now is Boundaries.
These must be spelled out clearly and must have consequences spelled out IN Advance if crossed.

The key is too take this slowly.
I'm sure he will SAY all the right things ....However, this combined with your natural desire to have your M and family back.....can make for a messy situation.

If he's sincere....then he will have plenty of time to Prove it.

Today just listen, listen, listen and observe.
Hold your judgments UNTIL you can PROCESS all this.

Remember NO Decisions HAVE to be made Today!
Don't let Him force you into hastily made choices.

What he SAYS today is less important then what he shows Over the long haul.
So take today for the bright spot it hopefully is: A possible new beginning.
That's all it is. Don't force more into it then it is.

Unfortunately, you won't know if its REAL for quite some time.

However, I am so happy for you. If he's being honest then this is what you've been waiting for. GOOD for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Keep your ears open and your mouth as shut as possible.
This is his day to do the talking. SO LET Him.

After that you've got some decisions to make.

Any way as I said before, you already KNOW what to do.
Listen and No LBers!

But to keep your mind occupied: Begin getting your Questions ready to ask him. (As the goal is to keep him talking). Don't let him turn this around on YOU.
Why now?
What's different this time?
What are you willing to do to Prove yourself?
And all the others: A NC letter? Willing to go MCing? Std testing, ect,.

And don't feel obligated to forgive or make promises yourself too soon.
This is HIS Day to plead his case.
YOUR decisions and talking will come AFTER to have time to process this info.

Why do you need time?
Cause he has been planning on this for a while now.
He's had time to formulate his thoughts and feelings.
You've ONLY had hours to get ready for this confrontation.
IMO that's not a fair situation. Just not balanced.

Therefore, that is why I say let him state his case and you only ask whatever it is you want to know.
Then LATER (once you get time to mentally and emotionally catch up to where he is) DO you make your response to him.

Don't let him Rush you. He*l its been this long.....what's a day or two more going to hurt? Nothing Unless he's got some other agenda going on.

Whatever the outcome, this is a good day for you.
Remember that your Allowed to be scared and nervous. All completely natural.
YOU WILL DO just Fine! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Wishing you success!
later

Thank you ladies.

So far no luck with being away tonight.I am trying Pep.Mom is working late shift,friends busy,SIL too far away.I so don't want to be here tonight.I am upset more than anything,like the feeling of walking back into a tigers den.I can't believe I have to face a disussion about a possible reconciliation again.I am not happy about that.It's going to mean more pain for me.

Ugh.I feel like weak and dizzy.I just don't want to deal with this now.I need to get a grip.I will check back later.Thanks for the help.I need to get back to my girls.

O

Ohhh. I would clean up the house real nice, buy myself some flowers, take your girls to a sitter, and go out. You can even go shopping or something.

When he does get in contact with you, I would not even discuss anything until he sends a no contact letter. Otherwise it is a waste of time.

Top Rope,

Thank you too for your post.We posted at the same time so I didn't see it right away.

I really do need some reminders.This is so weird.It feels like I have lost all my sense of control.I am usually VERY in control of myself.I just can't believe this is being presented to me again..or it will be.We haven't spoken at all for a few weeks so I am thinking he's lonely again or something went wrong with the homewrecker.I don't know.My mind is spinning and it shouldn't be.

I will try to calm down.And you're right,no decisions today about this or even tomorrow.He cannot just expect that I will take him back and that's that.No way not after all this.I don't really want him back.What to do?? Ugh.Thanks for the input.I really appreciate you all.

O

10Girl,

I am used to writing to you about MY problems.

Has he done enough to warrant PERMITTING him back home? IF NOT DON'T LET HIM IN. Change the locks. go out like everyone suggested. Let him twist in the wind.

i may be out of my league here but i guess my question would be does he really know that you know he's coming home? either way you just carry on as business as usual. because if he knows his mom told you well then you reaction could be that at this point you only can believe his actions and not his words. i don't think you should or should have to go out of your way to not be at home if that's what you were g oing to be doing anyway.

don't let him know that he's got your heart pumpin like a rabbit. but i guess my other question would be if you don't want him back as you said above then why would this get your goose so to speak? again, i have no experience w/this but it seems like you're second guessing yourself as to whether you do want him back or not. if you've been in counseling, hopefully w/the harley's what would they advise you to do?

i probably did not make any sense and didn't add any value to this thread. but just wanted to let you know i'll also be thinking and praying for you tonight, God Bless, RR

Dear O,

Go out with your girls and have a fun night. He is moving back home because he knows he can't make it with OW? Not a good enough reason in my book. Are the locks still the same?

He needs to come back for the right reason (ie: he loves and misses his family - including his W). Another valid reason: He is truly sorry for his A actions and wants to do his part to repair the M and damage done to the family.

Anything less than those types of reasons make recovery difficult. Not impossible but very difficult esp on the BS and family.

Here's a question for you to ponder: Do you want an angry WS back or a repentant xws?

Don't be afraid to say no right now. Also don't feel threatened if he says if you don't take him back he will go back to the OW.

Hope this helps.
L.

Stay the course OG, I mean, how can you believe a liar? You obviously are concerned and justifiably so after all that has happened.

Trust and Honesty, the cornerblocks of any R, let alone a M.

I think you really need to decide what you want and forget about him. Think deeply about trust, honesty, etc. What type of future is with this person? How can you see a Cheat?

If you do want this, actions speak louder than words....IMHO a NC letter would be the "least" he could do and there should be no delay in this going out ASAP. MC is also another must. I am sure you have a list of issues, some of which were commented on here.

Best of Luck to you!

On a day, when I was fairly convinced that I personally was inching towards Plan D.....

I don't have much advice to impart that hasn't been offered yet.

I do want to wish you the best of luck with this turn of events.

IMHO, this is not the time for you to waver on any boundaries that you have set for yourself, whether they have been "verbalized" or not. If it doesn't feel "right" to you, don't do it.

Good Luck,
Ethan

Thank you all! Pep,Resilient,Kati,Top Rope,Believer,Cymanca,RR,Orchid,Nature and Ethan.You are all gems.

Well,I still cannot get out tonight,try as I may.But,I think I may just go to bed early.I don't want to be up if he is coming home late.After I put the girls to bed,I will go to.If he's here,I may tell him I am not up to talking.I have some minor dental surgery tomorrow and want to get enough sleep.

My WH is not moving back home but he did mention to my youngest that he is going to stay here all week.I suppose to see them or maybe to see them and talk to me.I don't know yet.I just got off the phone with my SIL and she knew nothing about any of this.I think my WH is laying low,wondering if I am going to LB him.I will try my best not to.No LB's!

WH doesn't know what MIL told me so I am going to just listen when he talks.He still works 3 hours away so he cannot live in the house with me still.Only visits on the weekend.I am surpirsed that he can take time off of work.I didn't think he had anymore vacation time.

My SIL and I agree that WH is either lonely or something happened with the homewrecker.He told my FIL that he knows it couldn't work out with the HW.He didn't say anything like I want to go back to BW because I love her and I want to make my family whole again,nothing like that.I WILL NOT be second best and a consolation "prize".It could never work out with the homewrecker.DUH.Didn't he think of that in the beginning??! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

The other thing that gets me: He abundantly told me months ago after the second "false recovery",there is no way for me to be 100% sure he was not in contact with the HW(which he was at the time).So,if that's true,which it is,why the heck would I trust him now?? A NC letter can just as much be IGNORED as any phone call,e-mail or smoke sign.How would I ever know?? Should I have a three way phone call to make sure HW gets the drift? Ugh.

I am feeling stronger though.I know that I can still head toward a D if that's where I feel best and I know what I will and will not put up with,I feel more like myself now.

WH has so much to change about himself,I don't think he could do it honestly.We shall see.I don't want to get ahead of myself here.

More later.Thanks for your support.

O

<small>[ August 16, 2004, 05:09 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

OG, you are right on the money. This is why trust will be so hard to establish with someone after deceiving you so many times before. Remember, he has LIED, LIED and LIED AGAIN TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!!! WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT HIS CHARACTER!!!!!

I firmly believe something has happened between them. And, here you go, he had his 50-50 gamble going and now he may assume he can return to you without being held accountable. I say get lost, you deserve better!! And here is why, let me repeat a few things one more time for you.

I mean, you cannot change his core character!! Lying, cheating, deceiving....I will repeat, how can you see a Cheat? You cannot!!! This will happen again, unless there is some huge, huge internal review of this man's brain with a great MC. He will have to dearly want to change his ways for you and your family....if this is not apparent then he is not sincere, correct?

Remember, he had the Best of Both Worlds....now he may only have one...until the other flares up again...and he knows you have been there for him all this time.

You and I are much stronger now and I, for one, can no longer tolerate this type of behavior. These people need to own up to their behavior, not just apologize and simply move on....because I really believe once this happened (betrayed) it will happen again....but, you need to decide for yourself the best course of action.

Once a cheat, always a cheat as they say. Don't forget, he has broken his vow to you by betraying you....then lying, covering up, deceiving you, etc....what does this say?? How to prevent this from happening again---well, you cannot, only he can, and there is no way to change him, this is what he has "de-evolved" into.

Good Luck!

Nature

Ok..very happy news..but a few things [clears throat]

He is coming home tonight? [says who?]

He will be staying a week? [see above]

Gee he's pretty certain of his welcome, no? Last time I noticed he didn't live there any more..admittance is no longer a given is it?

How about this..you are too busy to see him tonight, you have something in the morning to prepare for..if he wishes to visit and discuss the possibility of reconciliation [on your terms, not his]..then he can make arrangements with you schedualed for your comfort and convenience. How confusing for your girls that he come back..and stay a week, then *poof* off again, etc. Top rope is correct, if he is serious about this..he has plenty of time to prove himself worth your consideration.

You on the other hand..have been jerked around enough. You will need some time to really evaluate whether..once the excitement fades, if this is someone you are willing to rebuild with.

Something about his approach smacks of arrogance and entitlement, assuming that he makes good and follows through with his plans, you certainly will not be obligated to be his consolation prize since things aren't looking so good with OW. No harm admitting that if things aren't working with you..and not working with her..the common denominator is him. There are miles to go before he sleeps under your roof, much less in your bed, methinks. Let him find somewhere else to stay for the time being.

Oh, one issue that I disagree with the Harleys on..STD's...sorry folks a condom just isn't good enough. No sexual contact of any sort until 6 months past his most recent exposure [and 2 negative std results..one at 3 months, one at six months]. I wouldn't be willing to even consider moving that quickly in the relationship anyway. Sex at this point is, in my opinion, entirely inappropriate.

Not to pop all of your balloons at once..this is a positive turn of events, lets just take a few breathes..make sure it sticks.--Noodle

Howdy O

Well, well, well... very interesting turn of events. You have received many good responses so far. I like Noodle's idea of him not just showing up and expecting to be welcomed to stay, unless that has been an understanding between you two. I know this is a shock right now, but slow down and make decisions with your head, not your heart. It's a shame that we must harden our hearts with this A bullpucky, but it MUST be done.

Good luck and keep us "posted" OK?

((((((((((OG)))))))))))

O!

This turn of events floors me!

I am very happy for the possibilities it holds for you and your family. I hope and pray you can heal your marriage.

You have had a lot of great advice above from some very credible sources. I know you are wise enough to choose the best route for you in this delicate situation.

If and when you get to the point that boundaries have been abided by and you both decide to revive your battered marriage, you may have to act loving before you feel loving. Sometimes feelings follow actions and to wait to feel some affection before showing some may only make an incredibly difficult situation impossible.

Prayers to you from north of the 49th.

I held my breath reading your recent post. i am glad for the turn of events. I know its going to be tough but u are strong. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Take care girl and keep us posted.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

That emoticon just doesn't do justice to what I felt when I read your post.

You've gotten great advice. Don't jump because he thinks you should. Re-read the info on this site about how affairs should end, and make a list of conditions that must be met before you will consider reconciliation.

When you make your list, either include on the list or make a mental note in your head what ACTIONS you would find acceptable. Don't just let your H spew out words "Yes honey I've ended it with OW" ... think about what ACTIONS need to accompany the words. Words are cheap.