Octobergirl -

While I agree with all others' caution, I truly do, there is also hope. Isn't that what we Plan for here? It does happen that WS's see the light of day and come to their senses.

It happened to my FWH. And it happened for him very quickly. Once the fog parted, he started seeing the HW for what she really is, the fantasy melted away very quickly.

And there is no way you can be SURE he isn't in contact with the HW. That comes slowly, as trust is earned back. I am confident you would know this time, if he was lying to you. You are a different person than you were during False Recovery #2, I think.

Marriages can recover. Be cautious, set your boundaries and stand firm, but also know that marriages DO recover, even after false recoveries. These boards are full of those stories.

I know words of the past can be so hurtful, even months later. While saying those things, your WH was in a state of addiction. I cannot wait to hear your perception of him today.

Did he come home? Were you there? If I would have read this yesterday, I would have said don't let you going out depend on getting a sitter. You could have taken the girls to a late movie, come in the door laughing. Even if he wasn't there yet, could have taken your mind off him, AND made for a great story your girls could share with him the next day. Hmmmmmm . . .

Best of luck. We are all here for you and I support you no matter what your decision is.

SS

Hi all,

Just a quick update.I will reread all the responses again when I have more time.WH is out driving around.He was fired yesterday.That is why he is coming home.I am beyond mad an hurt.He never had any intention of reconciling,just that he knew it would never work out with homewrecker and he needed to talk to me.

Well he did.And I am floored.

I will update more later.My world is crashing down around me...


O

10Girl,

So sorry to hear his coming home was an attempt to get his needs filled.

As for your "world crashing down on you", you know better that that,hell,you've been through worse than that. You are a smart, loving, empathetic, professional woman that has helped countless souls on MB forums.

So get your cry in, and get back to work.

AS always you are in my prayers.

[[[{{{((((((Octobergirl))))))}}}]]]

UUGGHHHH, that's just Awful! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

So Sorry For YOU.... and sorry I actually took this news as a good sign.
My bad for even getting your hopes up at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

What a snake.....only $$$ is his concern.
Situations and people like this just make me want to scream..AARRRGGHHHH!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

No magic words here.....but you will be in my thoughts and prayers (if that's OK?)

I sincerely hope He's NOT going to be staying there...under these conditions.
But that is of course your decision to make (just wondering how much of this Cr*p You can Take?)

Its never Easy is it?

till next time....Take care

Octobergirl, what a major dissapointment! On the other hand this does put you in the driver's seat doesn't it? Take heart. ((((Octobergirl))))

I'm sorry you got a good clear look at your scheming H but it is all for the best. Consequences, my dear. If OW isn't bailing him out in his time of need oh well, he'll just have to figure something else out, now won't he? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You do what is best for you, whatever you decide you have our support. Take good care of YOU right now ok? KB

Octobergirl - Read your post and have been following the replies. I am so sorry for the pain that man is causing you AGAIN, but you are so strong and you don't need him to make or break you. You have proven that over and over. Don't lose sight of who you have become - I've followed your story for months and you WILL survive no matter what happens with him. This I KNOW!

ECHO ECHO FROM NATURE!!!

You know-the MESS HE CREATED is HIS ALONE....YOU ARE THE BETTER PERSON....HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH and MOVE ON.

I know, easier said than done, but you were halfway there mentally and physically....now get back on the horse and ride off into the sunset knowing you will be the one sleeping better than him. You have kept your dignity and self-respect....please remember he has not...and continues to hide from himself, you and God.

I believe we BS have the last laugh....because each of us know we did everything we could do to save our M...we recognized and admitted our faults, grievances, etc. and tried to reach out in so many ways to the WS....but they were the ones who committed adultery, not us...and that helps me see things for what they really are.

Take care....and hugs all around, know you will be okay for you are not alone!

Nature

Thanks all.

You know,I was just watching my WH outside with my girls,playing on the tree swings and it makes me sick.I can't kick WH out.I am STUCK.Legally I cannot do anything .Right now,I am trying to get him to go to his parents but I know he won't.They don't want him either after all he's done.

I KNEW he would get let go,fired from this current job but I didn't expect it so soon.He cannot keep a job to save his life now.It's like everyone in the industry knows he's an adulterer and he's blacklisted.

My biggest concern now obviously is the home.If WH is out of work,we have a problem.He needs to find work pronto and I dont' care where it is.Timbuktoo for all I care.And,he has been keeping this all from his parents.I had to tell them.

Ugh.More later.He just came in.UGH.

O

<small>[ August 17, 2004, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

poor poor october girl...

what a fiend.....

ark

Don't wait. Call a realtor today. Get the house sold before financial disaster. File for divorce so he can't rack up a bunch of debts with your name attached.

You can always stop D later if he stops living as if the sun rises and sets just for him.

KaylaAndy,

I cannot sell this home.There's too much money tied up in it and I love my home.My WH just has to get a new job somewhere and fast,that's all I care about now.I cannot even proceed with a D until I know where the heck this is all going.

As it is,I have to go back to work now until he gets something.My In-Laws are mad and upset but very supportive.My dad and mom however are seething.I thought at least I would be ok if my WH went off with the homewrecker but left me alone to have my girls and my beloved home.Now that is in jeopardy too.ARGH!!!!!! WH has yet to mention anything about ending it with homewrecker even though he told his dad that it wouldn't work out.Yeah,I have heard that before way too many times.

Nature,could you come over and pummle my WH for me?? lol My WH has been a colossal failure at being a husband,friend,lover,father,provider and man.Ugh.I just want to cut him loose.

O

I would do this if I were in your shoes...

~expedite the divorce~

I would get my money in a separate account. Cancell all credit cards (except one secret one for MY emergencies... card kept in a safety deposit box) I would hide valuables like jewelry, cameras, anything that could be pawned by him.

Ask WH to leave the house... if he refuses, I'd go live somewhere else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He needs to be out of your life. If you made a list of plus and minus factors of having H with you at this time... I only see a minus column.

He's an albatros hanging around your neck and sucking the joy out of your life.

The fat lady has sung.... in my VERY humble opinion.

sorry O .... this has suckage beyond belief.

Pep

Hi Pep,

Yeah,this is beyond sucking.I am in some kind of alien world full of nightmares.I have already hidden my valuables.My diamonds I am worried about.I have to get them into a safety deposit box this week.Right now they are hidden.

Neither of us has any debt.and I have no credit cards,just my bank card.WH has a Gold American Express but that's it.As for money,if I try to separate accounts,he will flip.My in-laws have always helped out in that fashion though for me.They have money to burn and my mom is helping out too,just for my expenses as we go along.

I plan to have a talk with WH about going to stay elsewhere.He needs to go,not me.It's bad having him here.And for how long I have no idea.

Do you really think I should go ahead with a D? I can't take the chance with money right now.I have to wait a bit and see how this plays out.I also have to watch and see if he spends on anything that isn't necessary.

I am just stuck....for now.Sux to be me.Boy how everything has changed overnight.Hate that!

O

Ugh. Your WH sucks a$$. There is no way to get him to leave? Does your state have legal separation? My other thought, can you possibly get a home equity loan to cut down some of your monthly payments to make staying in the home more realistic?

If not, perhaps doing what Pep said is your only option. Maybe if he thinks he is stuck with the monthly mortgage, he will choose to leave, since he makes no money.

Do any of your close relatives have the means to help you out? I know that once I was able to make a plan about what to do in the worst-case scenario, a lot of the fear and confusion left me.

I'd definately be making an appointment with an attorney, very soon. Like today. And find out what your rights are in this new situation.

Prayers and {{{{{O}}}}}!

SS

Octobergirl,

This just ticks me off, as it appears to do to everyone else.

This is what I would do, after I retained an atty and sought his advice.

I'm a dirty fighter but heh, I'll give it to you anyway. I've been with loser after loser and still own 3 houses and waterfront property.

I would take my daughters somewhere for a few days, then I would go back to the house and make it sooo miserable he would leave. I would pick fights, I would bait him, call the police if I had to because he was threatening violence. Anything to get him out of the house and then file for legal separation. Sometimes you got to play dirty when dealing with an A@@hole.

O....

I know myself and I do not know you ... we may have different level of what we can tolerate.

About myself, there is no way in hell I could live under the same roof with my H under these circumstances you now face ...

I don't know if I could control myself not to inflict bodily harm or at the very least psychological harm to him ... I am CERTAIN I could not Plan A one single inch. I might turn myself into a quivering ball of stress and anxiety ... I would have to "adios his [censored]" or get out before I broke the laws of man and God.

or.... I would have to be HEAVILY sedated <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Pep

I have been so pumped up since I saw Van Halen 2 weeks ago and am ready to kick some a**. So, let me know, I will come over whenever you want!

The sooner you shed this BUM OF A MAN the better you will feel....he is literally sucking the marrow of your LIFE away each day you are with him. This is a slow draining process and will only get worse as each day goes by. Wake up girl, the reality is he is back for all the wrong reasons....he will be pressing all of your buttons real soon because, guess what, he has nowhere else to go.

I would not delay and prepare for D. Get an attorney lined up, get your valuables in a safe deposit box and OPEN UP YOUR OWN CHECKING ACCOUNT...if anything take $100 from your inlaws and do this...then, when the time is right, move more money into it. I would also try to open up your own credit card just in case you need to use it.

Why waste any more time? Because of the house payment/mortgage? THIS IS YOUR LIFE...PLEASE RECLAIM IT FROM HIM!!!!

Hugs!!!