Well just got back from an individual session with our MC. This is the guy who after one single one hour session with my H, brought him to the conclusion he no longer wanted to be married after 14 years together. The C told me the main reason was our age difference, I am 55, H is 40.

H and I are planning on his moving out in Oct, also at the suggestion of the MC, after the kids get settled back in school. I was planning on Plan A for the next few weeks, while still planning ahead for practical matters like finances, how to tell the kids, parenting issues etc.

C says that by "making nice", being loving and nice to each other, we are both postponing reality and in denial about the end of our marriage. Says we need to stop acting like nothing is wrong in front of the kids, so that telling them won't come as such a shock.

My H went to this C with some ambiguity about whether he should stay and work on the marriage, or leave to be a single guy. As I said, came out after the first session and said that it was obvious to both he and the counselor that he didn't want to be M, and the C told me it was because of our age difference, and seemed to be pretty matter of fact about this being a valid reason. Isn't a marriage counselor suppose to help you save your marriage, and help you make sure that you have exhausted all hope for the relationship before you call it quits? This C never gave my H any marriage counseling, only breakup counseling.

Further more, I asked the C today if he had ever had any prior experience counseling couples where the wife was this much older than the H. He said no, he had never addressed this issue previously nor read or heard of any particular case studies that addressed this problem. He did say that he
personally knew a woman, who in her 40's, married her 20 year old student, and they got divorced after 2 years. Said it was a classic "wanting a mother figure". Hmmm - could he have a preconcieved notion about the validity of our marriage due to this age difference?

Maybe I am grasping at straws, but #1, I want to due everything possible to save my marriage. This includes Plan A up until he walks out the door, but making sure H knows I am looking at practical details about separation in the meantime. This includes letting H know that after we separate, no more sex, sleeping over, basically, no romantic relationship whatsoever, and that I will be minimizing my contact with him.
The C seems to call our 14 year marriage with 2 beautiful children a done, washed up deal with no hope, and we should start grieving and facing reality, preparing the kids for reality too. I know there are other issues we should address, but shouldn't the C be encouraging my H to realize what he is giving up, rather than pressing us to accept that the M is over?

I touched upon this in my last post, but today's session seemed to reinforce my intuition telling me that this C is not pro-marriage. When I told him about MB philosophy, his only comment was "is this a Christian based group? Sounds like one", and this was not stated in a positive sense. Maybe it is too late to switch counselors, and I don't know if I can even get my H to see someone new. Do I share my feelings about the C with my H? Do I stop Plan A and start acting estranged from my H, even though we still love each other, enjoy great sex, and have fun together? I am very confused, and afraid that this C has taken us down the wrong path, and that it may be too late to turn things around.

In the UK I have ben unable to find ANY pro-marriage MCs !

The 'relate' counsellor I spoke to began by talking about 'pain free divorce being possible" !

I laughed. Pathetic. I will engage Steve or Penny via phone when the time is right.

Mebbe whan all this is over....I might train as a pro-marriage councellor myself and establish the UKs first pro-marriage practice. Dunno.

You should definitely get a pro marriage counsellor. You are the buyer here.

Try to find one certified in Imago Therapy.

http://www.imagotherapy.com/

Everhopeful,

This C is not helpful to your situation. Everything that you have written about this person does not sound good and it does not sound like he is a pro-marriage counselor. You have a right to fight for you marriage and family, especially since there are two children involved.

If I were you, I would not go back to this counselor. At one time, I had visited a counselor when things were really bad in my marriage and I will always remember one thing that she told me that comforted me tremendously and I think of this almost daily. She said "K, there is ALWAYS hope." And this was at a time when I had NO hope.

Your C points a quick and dry picture. WH husband says he wants out, so be it. Let's work on getting in over with. This C will not be helpful to you if you really wish to have a chance at recovering your marriage. Your WH could change his mind tomorrow and stay... What is C going to say/do then??? I'd say dump the C today! It's never too late to find a more appropriate counselor.

I also didn't like this approach about MB being a Christian-group. It doesn't matter if they are Christian, Buddhist, Muslim or Atheist. This site is about "rebuilding marriages". I'm sure there are many non-christians posting here. YOU wish to save your marriage, not destroy it.

Everhopeful, it is NEVER too late to turn things around even when they SEEM hopeless.

Right now, you WH is about a lot of talk; he hasn't really taken any action yet about leaving/moving out? If he should leave, then I think it is his obligation to let the children know what is going to happen.

I really do think though, like I mentioned in my earlier post to you, that this is not so much about your age difference, but about deeper issues. Think about it....

Kati

Might I suggest that you go for counseling with Steve Harley, a PRO-MARRIAGE counseler? Your C is not only useless to married people but he is a religious bigot. Since when is saving a marriages strictly the domain of "Christians?"

Get a real counselor, Everhopeful and quit paying someone to destroy your life.

Couldn't have said it any better, MelodyLane.

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:

Get a real counselor, Everhopeful and quit paying someone to destroy your life. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Please, please, please find another MC. Do not ever go back to this one. There is a reason you want to go to a Marriage Counselor and not a Divorce Counselor. To tell you that you are at the end of your marriage and to get on with it sounds to me like it boarders on malpractice (JMO). Look at all the stories from people on this board who were at the end of their M, days away from divorce, no hope, and now have happy healthy relationships. It's not over until it's over. You two have too much to just throw it away. Age is not a reason to divorce, it is an excuse used by a WS.