So I just talked to my husband via phone. We had our first R talk in awhile. Did it go well? Well..um..it didn't go *bad*..but let's just say my hopes diminish. He said he is still not ready to agree to not dating other people and that frankly, he might not ever get to that point. He said that his not wanting to work on things has nothing to do with any dating he might be doing...that he truly just has never lived on his own and is enjoying it. He admitted that he did not know if this was just because of the newness or what, but that all he knew was that he was enjoying it. He said this one particular girl that he went out with is just a friend..but from what I've seen, that's not true. I think that he's afraid to say he's dating someone because he does not want me to think his decisions have anything to do with external...what do you think?

Anyway, he did ask me to send along the questionaires associated with this site. I had cut and pasted the Basic Concepts and descriptions of EN's and such awhile ago but have not sent them yet. He asked me to send them and he would go through them.

I'm really torn here. On the one hand I think I should run with this because an opportunity is an opportunity. I fear that the longer we are separated without him seeing my changes and without having to think about me much, the more his love will drain away...which can happen whether or not he is involved with someone. The q's would give an opportunity to think about things and work on them. A note, even if we both exchange and discuss the EN's, I do NOT expect him to want to fill mine. I expect the answers to be a source of information for myself.

On the other hand I do not really think he's ready to do any of this. He has already said that he's not willing to stop dating. He's said that he doesn't really WANT to work on things. He's still willng (which is where I see opportunity), but does not WANT to.

I did explain to him my ambivalence. I said that part of me feels like I should run with it, but the other part of me does not want to push him away. He assured me that I was not pushing him away, but who knows if that's really true?

I am so torn on this and could really use some input. Thanks.

^bump

Maddy,
From my own personal experience please donot expect him to fill out the questionnaire honestly. If he is not truly interested on working on the M he will more than likely do what my W did; run down the list answering as non-confrontational as possible giving you great scores with very little comments or specifics. He doesn't want you to fill his EN's because that would mean he would have to change his mindset which is he wants out. This is by no means your fault. I'm not saying not to do it. I'm just saying do not put any hopes into his part of it being genuine unless he gives your reason to believe he WANTS your M to work. I don't intend to be the bearer of bad tidings, this is just my opinion based on my experiences with the "Foggedly Challenged".

FM

Thanks, FamilyMatters. I agree that he's not really ready for this. But I'm just not sure what to do here..I mean..I can Plan A..but it's difficult with our distance..

Could I please get some input from fellow MB'rs? I tend to agree with FM but would like a variety of input. I know that I do not have a clear path ahead of me like faithinme or Bob or even Treereich..but it does not mean that I am not as desperate for help as anyone else. This board is all I have for input on my situation, aside from my IC.

maddyk,

In regards to the needs questionaire, I faxed one to my WW months ago. Her complaint to a friend was that the biggest need was SECURITY.

Not to brag but I feel that I have provided a very secure life for her materialistically, physically, emotionally and spiritually.This is from a person that is married to a doc, two homes, an office building, expensive cars, jewelry and wardrobe, twice yearly vacations. These were almost all purchased on HER insistence, I don't need most of these accoutrements. BTW I NEVER went out without her in the 7 years we have been married. Not once! Virtually 100% of the time when I was not working we spent in one on one contact.

Her OM is a cabin boy on a cruise line that has no home other than the boat and makes approx $25 K a year. She has know him in person x 1 week and through emails x 5 months. I am sure that before and since my WW coupled with him, he has been with countless other women. Talk about security and the truth about EN's

<small>[ August 31, 2004, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

I think you should send the questionaires but agree that you will probably not get honest responses. He is probably going along with the whole thing just to humor you. Hang in there Maddyk.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by maddyk:
<strong> Thanks, FamilyMatters. I agree that he's not really ready for this. But I'm just not sure what to do here..I mean..I can Plan A..but it's difficult with our distance..

Could I please get some input from fellow MB'rs? I tend to agree with FM but would like a variety of input. I know that I do not have a clear path ahead of me like faithinme or Bob or even Treereich..but it does not mean that I am not as desperate for help as anyone else. This board is all I have for input on my situation, aside from my IC. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maddy,
I'm sorry you feel alone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , I know the feeling and I can tell you this I prefer a sharp knife to a dull blade. Your story, though I haven't read every post reminds me of my own; meaning you might have to let him go and keep the door cracked for his return. Please don't abuse yourself by trying to get water from a stone. I'm not saying this to be flippant, because I see now that I've been guilty of this myself. I was fogged, and I wanted to believe so badly that I could turn things around. I overlooked that at some point you do need a willing participant, and until your H is a willing participant you're only hurting yourself trying to persuade him. I believe in Arks philosophies, where compassion and understanding are omnipotent, I also believe in Pepper's post as well, were reality is reality and looking beneath the surface of our own pain/actions/frailties is were the sanity-recovery process begins.

Take heart in the fact that you've showed yourself to be a admirable woman with much to offer, but it's now up to him to make one of if not the biggest mistake of HIS life, and risk losing you. Radical honesty to ones'self must be just as important as Radical Honesty in a M or R. I will look for you to accept your inablitiy to stop you H from further wounding your M and get onto the business of taking good, precious care of Maddy, okay? Please remind me to do the same. I fear I will need reminder's of this often, as I am only in my 1st week of Plan B.

Thinking of you,

FM

(edited for tone only , not content <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

<small>[ August 31, 2004, 02:44 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>