Last night was a good night. My WH and me talked, played some cards, and watched some tv together. I asked him to please don't go to North Carolina this weekend. He said sorry but I already made plans and I don't want to break them. So I let it alone. He says he is going to go hang out with his guy friend there but I already know that he is lying.

This morning he packed a dress shirt and nice pants. His friend never ever goes anywhere dressy. Plus some other things I saw that were true signs he was still planning to go and meet her in South Carolina. I advised him that the money is low because we just got a 350.00 cellphone bill for him that there is not enough for him to take out and spend this weekend. He still said he is going.

I know I LBed but I feel it in my heart. I told him if he goes this weekend don't bother to come home. I feel like I have given my all these last 8 1/2 months. I have stuck by him, given him time to sort things out, stayed even though he has gone to see her 2 other times, and put up with them constantly in phone contact. I feel disrespected, uncared for, and unloved. If he cared enough about me he would not go this weekend but I can see that he doesn't care about me or my health at all.

You see last night I kept dreaming of them all night long. I woke up with severe cramps. I thought I was having contractions but this is way to early. I sat in bed holding my stomach thinking if I should call 911. Then they eventually went away. But I can still feel a cramp or so every so often. He is not just walking out on me he is walking out on his kids also. I guess he just fell out of love with them to.

He sat on the couch for a long time holding his head but not saying anything. Then he got up and said I got to go to work now. I told him goodbye and that I hope he finds the happiness he is looking for. That I am sorry that he feels like he has to do this. I could see the saddness in his eyes. And he says I feel it's best for everyone if I go anyway.

I guess my big hope right now is by the time 3pm comes around he changes his mind and decides that it isn't right to go down there again. But if he does go I know what I have to do. And calling her father is one of the things that keeps pulling at my heart. I know I should but I haven't got the courage yet. I guess my biggest fear is that he already knows and takes up for his daughter and supports what she is doing.

This hurts so bad because I still love him with all my heart. But I cannot keep allowing him to go with her for the weekend and then come back to me. I think he just takes advantage of it and feels like oh well she didn't kick me out so why not go again. Or she is still here so I can do anything I want. I don't want him to feel that way. I want him to realize I love him but will not allow him to walk all over me.

I'm so sorry you're hurting like this. I understand as my WH left on Monday to go to a job interview out of state, but is staying with OW while he's there.

I too prayed that when the time came to get on that plane he would see the mistake he was making.

Right now I'm fighting with myself as to what to do when he comes back so I'm not one to give advice.

But I'm thinking of you and praying for you.

SML - I think you need to contact OW's father today and let him know you think WH is coming down there this weekend. That way he can verify the A for himself. If he happens to walk in while your WH is there, WH will not know that it was you who did the exposing. Then you can see the effects this exposure will have.

I know a lot of posters on this board say Plan B the second things get tough, but I think a lot more thought has to go into that. You may be at this point, but only you can decide if this is the right plan for you. He is openly disrespecting you and this is effecting not only your love for him but the potential health of you and your baby. You can not go on like this. Please use this weekend to really think about what you want and how much more you can take.

I know the boards are slow over the weekends, especially a holiday weekend. But I'll be around if you need someone to bounce ideas or thoughts off of.

Please take care and know that a lot of people here are thinking about you and praying for you.

You need to call the OW father. The affair has to be exposed. The bubble has to burst. Reality has to set in. You should read faith's posts on the general board. It is time for you to see a lawyer too, change the locks, call her dad gather the support of family around you.

Take care of you and your baby (I assume you are pregnant because of the contractions).

Again, classic affair. Faith's plan is classic so I believe this will help you too.

I am to the point I just don't care anymore. Yes I love him but I cannot make him love or want to be with me. If he wants to go this weekend there is nothing more I can do.

I just got off the phone with him. We talked about a hour. And he is over his cell minutes again so another big bill. It's only been a week since his minutes started over and this was the first time I talked to him on it.. So that means the other 400 minutes was her. He told me the guilt trip I was trying to put on him was not working. I wasn't trying to put a guilt trip on him just letting him know how my heart felt. I also told him I may contact her dad which really set him off. He said if I do that I am not the person he married that he will never be with me. That he doesn't like a person that tries to make someone elses life harder and cause trouble. I asked then why do you and her do this to me. He said it's not about her. That I need to stop blaming her for the things he is doing. I told him it takes 2 and she is pursuing a married man.

He is so deep in the fog that he just doesn't care anymore. He even said on the phone it's about him. What he wants. His happiness. He just keeps saying over and over that he already promised his friend he was coming so he has to go... Even though we both know it's not the friend he is trying to say. I already know he is going to see her no matter if he denies it or not. Which he hasn't.

I told him if he goes don't bother to come back home. I may go to plan B. I just don't know yet. Not even sure if that's possible since he has nowhere to go really and the fact that my 9 year old stepson is with me. I guess I am just the babysitter for him to go out and live up the single life. I am suppose to be the responsible one while he goes out and tries to find his happiness. Whatever... I am so sick of this... If he wants to go then go... I am tired of fighting it...I am tired of allowing him to disrespect me.

I just hope that on the long drive down to his guy friends that he will realize things and end up not going to South Carolina and actually stay with his friend and hang out. But who knows it doesn't seem like what I want or what is the right thing to do matters anymore to them.

SML: Have you read the Plan A links in my signature line link? Setting boundaries and telling your husband how his actions affect how you feel are not love-busters.

SML,

Why are you babysitting your WH's son (the one from his former relationship) when he goes out to SC to visit his OW? This is ridiculous! Tell him to take his son along.

You are making things very easy on him. You are at home taking care of everything, including HIS child and he's out there playing single. Why should you be stuck with all the responsibilities???

Tell him that you made plans this weekend and let him take his son to visit his friend. You take care of your son and your unborn child and most importantly yourself.

Kati

SML,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> . I guess I am just the babysitter for him to go out and live up the single life. I am suppose to be the responsible one while he goes out and tries to find his happiness. Whatever... I am so sick of this... If he wants to go then go... I am tired of fighting it...I am tired of allowing him to disrespect me.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You said you've been putting up with this for 8 1/2 months ?

You have NO choice but to Plan B. He has absolutely no intentions on giving OW up this way. He defends her, leaves you with the kids, pregnant.... I can't believe this guy.

Stop letting him do this. You CAN control you. Say NO MORE. ENOUGH is enough. He's blatantly having an A...you know, he knows you know..and he doesn't care.

You've been in Plan A way too long, time for Plan B. Let him go....let her meet all his EN from SC.

What do you have to lose at this point ?

There are no consequences for his actions. Period.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He said if I do that I am not the person he married that he will never be with me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What about the person YOU married ? What about YOUR expectation of a H ? Where in YOUR wedding vows did it indicate your H would be entitled to a mistress ?

Think about this. I know you're in a terrible terrible place...but he's not going to change anything. Of course he's going...and SML....I PROMISE YOU....before he returns...he'll have made plans WITH HER....for his next trip.

SML - I agree with everyone regarding babysitting his son. Call WH right now and tell him you have decided to take your son and go spend the weekend with your mother instead of being alone and he will have to figure out what to do with his son. That should put a crimp in his weekend plans!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also told him I may contact her dad which really set him off. He said if I do that I am not the person he married that he will never be with me. That he doesn't like a person that tries to make someone elses life harder and cause trouble. I asked then why do you and her do this to me. He said it's not about her. That I need to stop blaming her for the things he is doing. I told him it takes 2 and she is pursuing a married man. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, first, if you read Bob Pure's thread the other day, old member K does recommend telling the WS that you intend exposure. Of course, the downside, is that OW can now contact her father and tell him that a "crazy lady" is going to contact him soon and tell him all kinds of crazy stuff.

Second, my H told me that he didn't want to be with someone who was "vindictive" like I was being when I was exposing, that he knew when I did that he could never be with me (of course, before I exposed, he told me the same stuff, just in a different tone of voice). On another post you said your WH said that "he never knew you could be like this." Mine said that, too.

Third, mine also said that it wasn't about her, it was about him and our M. In fact, during our first MC session, he called the A a "catalyst that made him realize our M was no good, hadn't been for years." I said, "Well, that is our first disagreement - I call it an A, not a catalyst."

DUH!!!!!! It is all about her. And him. Mostly her. Don't even let those fog-words touch you. Realize he is saying a script. Try and actually pretend he is an actor in a soap opera, and just nod at him, because it is so predictable! And you cannot change his mind by telling him about your feelings, pain, or love. He is where he is, and right now he doesn't have to do anything about anything.

Yeah, puts his hands in his head, feels bad, you see his pain. Big deal. What is he DOING??? Going to see the OW! Do have him take his son with him. Tell him to take enough stuff to sustain him for a while, since he is not welcome back in YOUR home while he continues to have a girlfriend. Let HER meet ALL his EN's. You cuddle with him at night, let him feel the baby, give him sympathy. Pooey! No more!!!

Fourthly, call the OW's dad. Even if he has been warned, he can then begin to put 2 and 2 together, if that is the type of person he is. If OW wouldn't have backed off my H, I was going to tell her parents. I had the advantage (ug, if you call it that) of her being my former best friend, so I knew how important her parents' opinion was to her. They also knew my H, my kids.

SML, if you don't do something different soon, I fear for your mental and physical health. You are going to have to cut him loose, and start to bring your focus in the tight little circle that is you and your son and your unborn baby.

SS

I agree with all of you... Yes he is having a affair right in front of my face. Yes he will go see her. I told him to take his son with him. He was at work said oh drop him off with my sister my mom is coming into town she will watch him and then he left work early. I didn't know... He was already on his way down to NC.

I talked with my husbands brother today that came in from NV. He was so sweet. He hugged me and said he was so sorry that his brother was being a idiot. That when you have children you cannot act like he is acting. Also offered for me to come to Vegas with the kids and he would send me the plane tickets. I may just take him up on this. I talked to my husband on the way down. More foggy talk. Blah Blah Blah. I don't want him to come back to me. I don't care anymore. I love him but geez how much does he expect me to take.

He says I am not a patient person. So I should just sit around and say nothing until his fun little affair is over. I am trying to put my focus on me and my kids. Yes I still have my stepson he actually asked if his dad goes away could he live with me. He knows who loves him and who takes care of him. I love him also and it's not his fault his dad is acting like this. And I don't want to take him down my SIL and just drop him off.

I will call the OW father but I am going to do it at a time I feel comfortable with. I don't want to do it right now. I feel like calling the OW and telling her I know she is with my husband this weekend. They both think I am stupid like I can't figure things out myself. But I know that will give her pleasure that I am feeling pain. And the funniest thing is he says he will be back sunday night to go to my moms Labor Day picnic... Guess he has not guilt that he could just come around my family like he did nothing this weekend. ARghhhhhhhhhhh...

Thanks SS for your 2x4's I need them. I know everything you said was true. It's just feels so hard right now. The whole having a baby thing is so overwelming. Now I got to think about moving, packing , saling the house, lawyers, visitation and all the other stuff. I cannot afford to live in this house if he goes. And I know he cannot afford all the bills if I make him move out. The sad thing is I wouldn't care if everything wasn't in my name and will ruin my good credit.

He told me to have fun this weekend and don't think about him. Focus on myself like everyone tells me here. How do you get the pictures of them 2 out of your head?

SML,

First of all - you are getting a lot of good advice here. I am all for trying to save the marriage, but you have to set some boundaries and really stick to them first. Until and unless the affair ends, there's no working on the marriage.

Since I had no kids with my WH EX, it was probably a whole lot easier for me. So I won't claim to know everything you're dealing with. The one thing I do know, though, is that getting through it is a whole lot easier when you have people to lean on. At any rate, I wanted to offer this - I am not sure where you are in Maryland, or what your support structure here is, but I live in the general D.C./Baltimore area, and if you would like to e-mail, and have someone a little closer in the area to talk to, you're welcome to do that. I know that just not feeling alone sometimes helps more than anything.

If you do want to e-mail and such, put a note on here, and I'll set up a temporary account somewhere for you to e-mail me. I don't want to post my real e-mail for anonymity reasons, of course.

my email addy is Tina_k_24@hotmail.com if anyone would like to email me.

SML:

"I will call the OW father but I am going to do it at a time I feel comfortable with. I don't want to do it right now."

Why not? I agree with Spide about what K said regarding Bob's sitch. It is a good demonstration of "one sided POJA" (though I'm having something of a tough time wih that oxymoron!). You have already told your H you will contact the OW's dad. The BEST POSSIBLE TIME 2 do that would be before your H gets down there, so that her dad can be prepared, if he's inclined 2 do anything (and if he cares about his D, he will do something). When you do call him, make sure you let him know that you love your H and want 2 repair your M, because you don't want 2 be sounding like you want 2 hire him as a hit man or something (an extreme metaphor, but you get my point).

"I feel like calling the OW and telling her I know she is with my husband this weekend. They both think I am stupid like I can't figure things out myself. But I know that will give her pleasure that I am feeling pain."

I wouldn't do that. If anything, I'd send a form "exposure letter" 2 her, her parents, her employer (if you know who they are). Like with her dad, make sure this is one of the exposure letters like on Penny Tupy's forum, where it is firmly PRO your marriage and pro honesty. Don't give them handles 2 hate you. You want them 2 respect you for trying 2 hold your family 2gether (you are asking for their help putting pressure on the A, after all).

"And the funniest thing is he says he will be back sunday night to go to my moms Labor Day picnic... Guess he has not guilt that he could just come around my family like he did nothing this weekend. ARghhhhhhhhhhh..."

Does your family know the whole story? If so, and they don't mind him coming 2 the picnic, you shouldn't do anything, I think. But others might have different suggestions.

Try not 2 be 2 worried about his anger when you expose. Penny Tupy said 2 me "if something you do angers your WS, it's a good sign you did something right." She knows what she's talking about.

-ol' 2long

Just sitting here sad, alone, and crying. I can't believe it's over. How can a person change so much? My husband use to treat me like a princess now it's like he can't even stand me anymore. He can see the pain I am in but his heart is turned off for me.

I really love him and wish I could just make my heart do the same. I am allowing someone to disrespect me, treat me like crap, and do the same to our kids. This has to stop. If he wants to come home he either needs to commit or our relationship or go. I cannot take much more of this.

SML....I just finished reading your entire post. I'm so sorry for your pain. You've got alot of one-liners in these posts that can really help. You asked in an earlier post about my exposure to OM's mother.

I felt the same way you do now. Reading/posting here came me the knowledge to expose and most of the strength. The day I decided to call OM's mother, I was literally shaking at work. When I made it to the phone booth, I could barely dial the numbers but it was something I had to do.

OM's mother answered. I said who I was and told her that her son was having an affair with my wife. She said "I know". My knees buckled! Then she added "I know and I don't like it". My knees straightened right up! The truth was now going to be told to someone who I found out later has been to her house, eaten dinner, hung out, etc. OM's mother had no idea of what the truth was. I changed that.

I can post for 30 minutes on what I experienced. One point I want to make is - hell yeah, my WW was angry! I didn't move, I didn't LB, I let her have her say.

And when she was done, she left the room. I thought to myself "look what I've done - I think I may have started the end of this affair".

SML....It was hard and you have been at this alot longer than I have. It seems to me the common response you've received is 1) Expose to OW's father and 2) set your boundaries. My experience although limited brought the exact results that MBr's explained would happen when I did both of those.

Don't give up yet. Take this weekend to set your boundaries. Find strength in yourself and others. You sound as though you know exactly what you will and will not take! Use that as your guide.

Expose to OW's father - today/tonight! You will not know what the response is until you do it. Remember, I thought OM's mother would take up for her little baby boy! I was so wrong in that thinking.

God Bless and make sure you eat something! Take care of your "angel in the making", your son and yourself.......LS