I am aware how exposure can disrupt the flow of the affair, but I am aware of how difficult it is for so many BS's to expose their WS's in fear of losing them. Can a few of you post your experiences and tell how exposure worked for you to help the new BS's out and to help them eleviate the fear they have of exposure. Thanks for all who take the time to respond. I will direct a particular person to this thread as it is responded to.

I will just point out that in all the years of being on this forum, I have NEVER seen exposure cause the end of a marriage, but I HAVE seen an affair cause the end of a marriage.

WSes always get angry about being exposed, but they get over it. The marriage CAN survive some temporary anger, but it cannot survive an affair that does not end.

What the BS should fear is the affair, not some temporary anger from a measure that is designed to END the affair. It is the affair that is the real threat, not exposure.

Thanks Melody, hopefully we will hear some more views on exposing affairs.

TSTBC....Good post for those wondering/lurking...

I contacted OM's mother (he's 24 and lives with her). I found out that they had told her I was a Marriage Counselor and that I was okay with it and knew how to handle it. The truth was told. OM's mother said she knew about the affair and didn't like it. A good conversation took place and ended with "we're friends in this".

The reaction from WW was swift. Within two hours....anger and questions like "why did you tell his mother, he's a grown man" and "I thought you said we'd keep this to ourselves".

I waited a week and called her again. Another great conversation which actually started the downfall of the A. OM CALLED IT OFF. I again experienced exactly what was expected. WW's anger, withdrawal, etc.

Now I'm still in the middle of this. It appears WW has maintained contact and is actually pursuing OM. I know it can't last but I also believe WW's deep in EA and OM's looking for PA albeit OM "called it off".

Bottom line, I'm glad I exposed to OM's mother. OM's mother is an affair survivor and understood where I'm at and helped start the downfall of WW/OM's A.


I'm glad I finally exposed. A sense of "relief/control of emotions/something" came over me when I did it. Maybe it was something that I could do to help start the "withering on the vine".

I was "fearful" of the outcome but it really changed the dynamics of the situation. I was forewarned of what to expect and that helped more than anything and the reaction - textbook.

And now I'm contemplating further exposure.....LS

As a new BS I was so fearful, walking on tippy-toes around WW in case she left and saw OM again. she was brazen in contact. And the feeling of fear and powerlessness was horrible.

I summoned up courage to expose to OM's partner. The whole dynamics of the mess changed. OM backpedallled on his 'promises' to my WW to reconcile with his GF & son. In fact he asked my WW to deny to OM GF too. OM clearly wanted to continue the flattery and sex but no commitment. WW too fog bound and "in love" to see that though.

WW threatened to leave me, no chance for our marriage etc. She stayed. But ONE WAY contact remained from WW to OM.

I found PROOF of the PA in lettter from OM to WW. OMs GF begged me for proof, as OM and my WW had lied to her almost convincing her that a PA had not occurred.

I sent that proof. Total chaos ensued, but WW still in my house albeit withdrawing HARD as OM has told her to get out of his fast crumbling life I guess. He is 'terrified' of losing his family after the proof exposure says his GF.

So in my case exposure had a profound effect of the dynamics of the affair. When WW and OM had to justify their 'soul mate love' to friends, family and partners it became seedy and unsutainable all of a sudden. Neither OM nor WW have taken any opportunity to be with each other since exposure despite all the tough talk.

Now it may be different in other cases but I have learned these things :

* Lies to each other about spending forever together are just part of the fantasy.
* Lies and betrayal are the fertilizer and water that nurses affairs. Truth is almost the ONLY tool that can affect them externally.
* Truth cannot hurt a BS any more than the lies and betrayal of the affair has. Almost nothing can ever hurt that bad again.

Exposure is very very hard, but I am glad I did it, and left it no longer than I did. I think without exposure the PA would definitely have continued by now. Right now OM can't move without the scrutiny of his GF and my WW can't move without my scrutiny. OM GF and I keep in touch so we know if theres a chance of contact. In my case OM GF has become an ally in the enemy camp, helping stop the A from the other end.

I may not rescue my M but exposure will not have contributed negatively to that one bit IME.

And finally, its very empowering for a BS to expose in a controlled way. Its something you can EXECUTE which is justifiable, brave and likely worthwhile. It certainly gave me a boost. at the worst time. hope this helps.

Well said Bob.....You've certainly come a he** of a long way from one-liners to thorough expressions......

As TSTBC said, I hope others respond and can help those who are wondering........

.....LS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong> When WW and OM had to justify their 'soul mate love' to friends, family and partners it became seedy and unsutainable all of a sudden.

* Lies to each other about spending forever together are just part of the fantasy.
* Lies and betrayal are the fertilizer and water that nurses affairs. Truth is almost the ONLY tool that can affect them externally.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Great points, Bob! You pointed out a powerful dynamic that I have observed from exposure.

Secrecy allows them to fantasize about the affair, which only fuels it, but exposure forces them to see the affair in the light of day, through the eyes of others.

When they have to explain thier affair, suddenly they are able to see how sleazy and sordid they look through the eyes of others. That glimpse often helps them wake up and begin to see the affair in a new light. Very powerful!

Toosoon,

I have said this before and I will say it again, I wish I had exposed the affair on D-Day +1. It took almost 4 months before I did it and now my WW is finally seeing the consequences of her actions. The fallout was bad, the usual " that was the final straw, you blew it" from WW, but I agree with Melody, no M fails because of exposure. The fantasy life that is the WS's mantra usually explodes in their face. I am sure that a lot of A's survive the initial exposure, but the dynamics are forever changed.

In my case it appears my WW has dug in her heels to justify the A after this exposure, but it is obviously taking a toll on her physically. This basic rule with MB may or may not work to save the M, but I doubt that there are many M'( quality M's) that survive without all the cards being put on the table.

My WW's statement to her friend as to her embarassment with the exposure is typical. My reply was that if I walk into a public area and my ring and her ring is on our fingers and her hand is in mine, our true friends will accept the reality of what they see. If it bothers others, then that is a problem that they will have to deal with.

Thanks all for your posts. I received immediately results when I started exposing my FWW. She feared additional exposure along the way because I would tell her who I was going to expose her to next and did. She finally started to come around to minimize the damage to herself and the OM. It seems to be that Exposure is the catalyst for the following steps to rebuild the marriage.

Exposure Leads to Disruption of the Affair;
Disruption Of the affair leads to bickering, fear, and many added negative emotions among the affair participants;
Bickering, fear, and many added negative emotions ads reality to the affair;
Reality begins the lifting of the fog to the WS;
Lifting of the fog allows fair comparison between the BS and the OP;
Fair comparison between BS & OP brings and allows BS to make a reasonable choice;
Reasonable choice between the BS and the OP usually leads WS back to BS and to co contact;
No Contact leads to reconnection with BS.
Reconnection leads to reconciliation and recovery;
Reconciliation and recovery leads to unity within the marriage.

I may have left some steps out but it is just a brief outline of the steps as I see them. Keep posting for I am going to pass this link onto a BS in much need on a different thread.

TooSoon

<small>[ September 05, 2004, 12:41 PM: Message edited by: TooSoonToBeComfortable ]</small>

Anymore Successful exposure cases in Infidelity Land? I wanted to bump this up front again for the benefit of others who need to know the facts.

I too would like to hear some more exposure stories. I have a bit more exposing to do very soon, and it would help to learn a little about what to expect if anything..

I required that Mr. Pep expose himself !!!!And know what? It speeded up the process of stopping the affair dead in it's tracks....

He confessed to OW's hubby, and to his own parents.

He then, on his own without my prompting, he called my parents and apologized to them!

If he refused? He'd be missing out on all the fun of being married to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Let's face facts, I am, quite a catch! .... and so are you, isn't this true?

I have confidence in myself. I did not fear the angry words of my unfaithful spouse.

He did not leave me. He feared losing me! I cannot be married to a man I do not respect, and he had to begin to fix himself in order to be attractive TO ME!

And, he did .... and I AM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> he's adorable, and faithful, and really sexy! And he loooooves me big time!

Pep

I just love her!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Exposure in our case became complicated. I have to go back five years to explain it adequately.

After DDay 1 wife did not want me to contact OMM. She threatened to leave me if I did. So I did not expose beyond my mother and one sister. But I sure wish I had exposed, to the whole world. Threats about exposure may be typical WS madness. But I now know these threats to be a Big Red Flag. Turns out she did not tell OMM that I knew about them. This left OMM fat, dumb and happy and the affair idling in place.

About a week after DDay 2 I decided to talk to OMM. I had nothing to lose. The A had gone on for so long, and I did not know many details yet, so I suspected they were going to run off together. There had been so many lies I did not believe W when she said she wrote him a letter ending it.

So I went to his office to talk to him man-to-man. (My getting there is a story in itself: near the end of this thread.) He was very upset that W had not told him I knew years ago. He spouted all the typical mitigating excuses. Blamed it all on W. Said he would have ended it five years ago if he had known I knew. He promised to end it for real this time. Right. What a man. I believed him about as far as I could throw him. And I almost did.

When I left his office I felt sort of calm and empowered for the first time during this mess. I did not expect to save my M going in but I had hope when I came out. I was tired of being on the receiving end of all the lies and deceit for so long. I felt I had finally taken control and done something right for my family and myself. I still loved my W and I was not going to turn her over to this scumbag. I decided right then I was not ready to give up after all.

OMM asked me to not expose further. I promised him I would not call his wife as long as there was no more contact. I said I would tell everyone he works with, all his family and even his XW. I meant to keep this promise (threat?) too.

About two months later OMM’s wife and I each received an anonymous letter exposing the A. I already knew so I thought, big deal. But I feared an angry OMM’s wife calling mine and dumping on her. Things were tender enough around here already. So I called OMM’s W to talk to her first. She was not prepared to believe the letter and asked for proof. I told her what I knew and that I had talked to her H already. I also told her I had agreed to not tell her, but she understood my dilemma. She said I had not broken my agreement since the letter had come first. She was very hurt and sad but thanked me for telling her.

A few days later OMM called me at work and yelled at me for talking to his W. It was a surreal exchange. W and I had been practicing communication techniques we learned in Retrouvaille. So I practiced them on him. I extracted a lot of details about the A that I did not know yet. It was amazing how easy he was to pump. I did make a mistake though. I accidentally let out that his W had called me again not twenty minutes before he called. He immediately gasped and hung up. He had lied to her about the extent of the A blaming it all on my W, calling her a predator. So I cleared it up for her. He suddenly realized we were exposing his lying a$$.

We still do not know who sent the letter. It was on pink stationary and written in very bad English. Our best guess is it is either the H of another of his A’s or a scorned OM. He probably cooled it with his other A’s for a while after I talked to him.

Now, the complicated part of this is that I did not tell my W I talked to OMM right away. I meant to, but she and I were both so emotionally raw I kept putting it off. I even committed a lie of omission when W said during the heat of an argument a month after DDay 2 that I should go ahead and call him. I said I would not. But I left out the word, “again.” After that I could find no good time to admit it.

After reading up on this site and in SAA about Radical Honesty and POJA, I finally girded my loins and told W the truth. This was about four months after DDay 2. W had a very angry initial reaction. She said our M was over, no hope for us, and all the rest. But, a couple of days later she calmed down said she understood my actions after all. She was very hurt that I had taken preemptive action that removed something she felt she needed to do for herself. She wanted to make NC work on her own and I had interfered with part of her efforts to redeem herself. This makes sense to me now. But at the time I just kept thinking of how long the A had lasted and how it had survived DDay 1. I don’t know if she will ever agree that killing this A needed all the help it could get. But I now understand and respect her desire to try to earn her way out of it by herself.

W then wrote an apology letter, with NC in it, to OMM’s W. I am very proud of her for that. We have not heard from her since. But OMM’s W and I still have an agreement we will call each other again if we get even the least suspicious.

Full exposure is definitely the way to go. Blow the A apart like a rotted melon with a 12 gauge shotgun. I am convinced I there would be no DDay 2 if I had exposed the first time.

T

PS: Pep, you were the first person to post to me while I was totally lost in the wilderness. I don’t want to make your H jealous by saying I love you, so I will limit myself to say I respect your insight immensely.

<small>[ September 08, 2004, 12:22 AM: Message edited by: Thos ]</small>

Thanks Thos, exposure continues to prove to be a real disruption to the affair as the two lovebirds know it.

Hopefully, there are others who will show their story.

TooSoon

Hi Toosoon,

Just read latest postings. Am more convinced now. Less than two weeks to go and "here we go!"

Quick update. My WW and I have started really TALKING this week, as her head pops out of the fog now and then for the first time in 8 weeks. Amongst other things she asked me why I exposed the Affair to our best friends AND to OMGF when it was so hurtful to her and OM.

I explained MB principles that as As are run in secret and built on lies, it is a test of their strength to see how well they hold up to the scrutiny of truth.

I made no value judgment as to how well this affair held up, WWs silence and pensive look said it all. She understood I think.

I see this now. The ACT of exposure does not affect the A directly, it simply holds up its bindings to the scrutiny of light. In my WWs case, the A fell apart effectively when it was exposed.

Thought this example might help someone.

Thanks for sharing that info, Bob Pure. DesperateDan is going to put his WW's A to the exposure test in the very near future. Good Luck to him and Congrats to you on having your W's fog lifting.

TooSoon

When I started exposing my wife to certain people, she said it the straw breaker for the marriage and final act that was going to definately cause the divorce. To the contrary, Exposure worked the complete opposite. It began the unraveling of the affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong>The ACT of exposure does not affect the A directly, it simply holds up its bindings to the scrutiny of light.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Eloquently stated, Bob. Please consider adding input to the thread, "Affair Exposure 101."

WAT