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#1181871 09/12/04 08:08 PM
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Hi everyone. Well, yesterday S and I woke up to donuts in the kitchen again with a note attached to S. I told S to call his dad and thank him. When S was speaking to him, H asked to speak to me. He said he had knocked and no one answered so he let himself in. Time to change the locks I suppose.

S and I spent all day at my mom's house...we had fun with cousins and my sisters. H had apparently called while we were gone. I felt so sad for him...he's lonely.

This morning H called and asked if we were going to church. I said yes and he said maybe he'd see us there. He got there late and sat with us. S looked a little uncomfortable...I don't know. H followed us back to the house and asked if I could cut his hair. I said okay. Afterwards, he started to get close to me and wanted SF. I asked him to stop...that I couldn't do that without having his "heart"...it hurts too much. He got upset and left.

Its not right for him to expect that of me...especially after I gave him the plan B letter and he just disregarded it. So I sent him an email tonight expressing my desire for him to respect my wishes about no contact with me. I told him this is all too confusing for everyone. He needs to be away from me too in order to decide what he wants, right?

I haven't received a reply...I probably won't. So here I go...trying to go dark. I hope I can...I hope it works.

#1181872 09/12/04 09:02 PM
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Nid, it can only work if you work it. Plans don't just "work" magically by themselves. They are inanimate things that need you to operate them. In Plan B, that is something that is intended for YOU to work, not something that you "hope" just "happens" by magic. It is not self propelled.

It doesn't matter if he respects your Plan B, you must take care that he does observe it by changing the locks, not answering his calls, not letting him in. Plan B's success is entirely UP TO YOU, not him. He is not the one in Plan B.

<small>[ September 12, 2004, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

#1181873 09/12/04 09:38 PM
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Thanks, Melody. I know its going to be up to me...that's why I said I hope I can. When I said I hope it works, I meant I hope Plan B works (not by itself:) but by the end result being my H wanting to reconcile. I am going to try my hardest to stick to this. After today, I realized all this contact he is trying to maintain is going to drive me insane because it wouldn't be any different from what was going on when he lived at home. He'd be getting what he wants and I would continue to be in limboland.

I want to do this. Its just so hard for me to turn my back on him. I feel such sadness when I see him. But I know that it is the last chance I have to save my M. Pray for me...

#1181874 09/12/04 10:36 PM
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Wontgiveupyet,

You are going through a tough transition, and I send my prayers to you. I am glad that you are here to get support and some good advice...which I benefit from because I am in Plan B also. I am worried about you because Plan B should be for you...to protect you and your feelings. I know that contact hurts....it must really hurt if it is direct contact and if it uses a prior A as a weapon against you(an MB no-no). You have asked very calmly IMHO for WH to respect your wishes. He has not done so on several occassions and now to protect yourself from further damage, please change the locks. If he asks why did you do that, say "because I asked you to respect my wishes and you were unable to abide by that and I need to feel safe." (I expect to have the same conversation so I am practicing.)

Plan B without contact with WH is great. I have not had contact with WH for almost two weeks...I could not call him if I wanted to because he is overseas. We use to argue about how often he should call and I'd beg him to call at least every three days. Since going to Plan B, he has called just about everyday to leave a message. He also said that he checks everyday for messages from me. AINT GOING TO HAPPEN. Tonight, he called me about six times, but I did not answer. I just came back from a trip of my own to a place I always wanted to go to and had a blast. I took a risk and came out okay. A great self-confidence builder. The point is Plan B is for the BS....I have peace and regaining control over my life right now. Whether M is restored or not, I getting okay with both outcomes because I do not have the daily tearing down....I'm working on a new me.

You had the courage to go to the MB plan--that is great. You had the courage to go to Plan B--not easy, but necessary. We BS are faithfully addicted to our WS's and it will take courage to change the locks. I hope you will have a surge of courage to take those steps. Think of you and try to fight the urge to have contact with WH. The peace of mind it will bring is so worth it. Stay strong!

#1181875 09/12/04 11:53 PM
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Thanks, SS. I will have the locks changed. I was in the shower tonight and the dog began barking (S was asleep), and I was so uncomfortable thinking that maybe he had come over. I checked and there was no sign of him, but it still made me feel uneasy (not that I am afraid of him in any way).

He hasn't emailed back...I guess he's respecting my wishes.

Goodnight all....

#1181876 09/13/04 08:44 AM
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It seems like when he has contact with you he just gets enough of a fix from you to empower him to get stronger to stay away longer. So, hopefully along with plan B helping you stay sane it will have the effect of having him begin to miss you enough to realize he wants to stay married.

Doesn't he get the mixed signals he is sending you? How does he expect you to respond to advances of SF at this point? Without his recommitment it seems very disrespectful of you. Or is that like bringing donuts...SF is giving you a bit of himself so he can relieve some fogged guilty conscience.

I really think it is worth giving a real plan B a try. Yes, he will probably suffer some; he needs to. Yes, it will be difficult for you. Hopefully, you will benefit in the long run and recover one way or the other.

I am glad that is the way you are deciding to go.

#1181877 09/13/04 10:09 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This morning H called and asked if we were going to church. I said yes and he said maybe he'd see us there. He got there late and sat with us. S looked a little uncomfortable...I don't know. H followed us back to the house and asked if I could cut his hair. I said okay. Afterwards, he started to get close to me and wanted SF. I asked him to stop...that I couldn't do that without having his "heart"...it hurts too much. He got upset and left.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You confuse him nid. He's been giving you crumbs for over a year now and you've been just fine with it. He uses contact with you to make himself feel better and he's able to use you to provide services for him from haircuts to attempted SF. Why is he angry? He can't figure out why all of a sudden crumbs aren't enough for you.

You have to decide if you want crumbs, which will eventually lead you to a divorce or if you want a new marriage. Your old one is dead and gone, you have no choice but to start from a new place or file for divorce. Do you really see any other options nid? You can't have a marriage with a man who doesn't respect you and only you can insist on whether you will allow yourself to be disrespected or not. Call a locksmith TODAY and get on with the task of building something new. It doesn't matter one iota if he "respects" your wish to Plan B or not, it's solely up to you to enforce it whether he respects it or not. That is how Plan B works.

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 11:12 AM: Message edited by: mthrrhbard ]</small>

#1181878 09/13/04 01:52 PM
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Hi Wongiveupyet, Hope you and the locksmith are meeting today! That action alone will get your point across that words have not been able to. I found a good thread on Plan B and thought I would share it with you. It was originally on the Plan A/Plan B section--it is from a thread called notable postings...from about August 2004. I found several threads that were useful. Here is one that I read and thought about alot...hope it helps you.

web page Hope the link works.

Stay strong and call that Locksmith--they are on 24 hour call and work really fast.

#1181879 09/13/04 07:38 PM
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Thanks SS...I read the thread. My brother in law said he would change the locks for me...I just need to ask him. H is going to be fuming. He was apparently here today while I was at work...hmmm...probably snooping trying to figure out why I've gotten so tough. He kept questioning me a week or so ago if there was someone else...he said he wouldn't blame me....yeah right.

How do you deal with the lonliness? I mean, for over a year, my H has been here in body, but not emotionally. I want to connect with someone...I want to love someone and have them love me...its been so long. How do you handle these feelings? I've been so betrayed for so long, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to trust his word and him. A part of me is so ready to be done and move on. Why do I feel this way? Anyone else have these feelings of just throwing in the towel? I love my H, but I don't think I'm willing to wait for him to decide if I'm important. I've decided I'm only going to give him a few months, then I will file for D. I feel like I've given it my all for so long...I want to be with someone who wants me...I have a lot to offer...I often wonder if my H will ever treat me the way I want to be treated...help...how do I handle these feelings???

#1181880 09/13/04 07:44 PM
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Nid, I would get the locks changed tomorrow and then email him and ask him to respect your privacy and not enter the house again. Tell him to please refer to your Plan B letter. But get the locks changed first tomorrow. If he replies to your email, just delete the emails or route them spam mail. He will get the message.

Be strong and hang in there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#1181881 09/13/04 08:20 PM
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Hey Melody. Thats exactly what I did last night...I sent him an email asking him to please respect my wishes and to re read the letter. He never responded. But obviously he came in today anyway while I was gone. So, I will ask BIL to change the locks ASAP.

I will hopefully have them changed before S and I go out of town Wed. I know he's expecting me to ask him to care for the dog, but I'm going to board him instead.

But what about the feelings I expressed in my last post....are they normal??

#1181882 09/13/04 08:47 PM
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Hi Wontgiveupyet,

What a great brother-in-law...that is great he will change the locks. In the end, you will have peace of mind and will feel safe and that is the way it should be. With no contact with your H, you will preserve the love you have left (and maybe not have you throw in the towel) and will not have some of the feelings you have right now. Plan B is for us, the BS...to heal and protect.

I understand your question about being lonely--the way I handled it was to put emphasis on other parts of my life where I connected with people. I prep'd for plan B--printed out a calendar and tried to plan something for everyday. Went to extra workouts, went to have my nails done, visited with my sister. Last week, I had written down I was going to a networking group, but I was going to bail. I forced myself to go and won the door prize. Basically I forced myself to connect with people who don't know anything about my sitch and don't think I am a smuck or fool. It helped to build myself confidence. Are there things you can do with your son? Volunteer in his class or club? Take up a hobby with him? Do you have girlfriends who you can connect with? Family you can help? The world needs the love you have to give!

I understand your feelings because I have them also. This is a terrible situation that effects us all--the pain, betrayal, lack of trust and need to love and be loved. I have good days and bad days. I think this is when my trust in God and leaning on family and friends comes to my rescue. In the past weeks because I have gone dark....I am beginning to remember ME. The part of me that was confident, happy and had self-esteem...away from moodiness, ridicule, and as Ark put it, the chaos. In a wierd way, I am beginning to love me again which means I am getting back my self-respect. I guess some would say it has to start there.

I have been trying not to define myself wholely by the relationship. It is easy for me to fall into that trap...I have had it happen before that when another one of my relationships fell apart, my whole world crashed. I learned from that, to have more happening for me than just my relationship.

You will feel better when you are safe, go dark in Plan B and start to plan some activities for you. Stay strong and keep posting!

#1181883 09/13/04 10:31 PM
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Thanks SS. You know, I really have been working on "me" for a long time. I'm finally feeling good about myself...I don't feel needy anymore. I'm confident and strong...just lonely and wanting to love and be loved.

I do a lot for myself now....I run every day, I do independent Bible studies, and am currently in a prayer and life workshop.

Last weekend my S and I went to a friend's lake house and had a great time. On Wed., S has 2 days off of school, so we are going to San Antonio...it will be fun. My S and I have been having a blast together...we're very close.

So, I think I'm on the right track with myself and caring for my S. I'm just lonely as heck. Its not that I don't have a lot of friends and family, I do...but I am such an affectionate person and I feel like for over a year my EN for affection is bone dry...not only to receive it, but give it. And whenever I see a couple together, I long for that closeness...from my H...but that is so unrealistic that I'm just longing for it period.

Anyway, I just don't know what to do about these feelings. Its starting to weigh me down.

#1181884 09/14/04 08:02 PM
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{{{nid}}}

You know what you do with those feelings. You just let yourself mourn and you feel them. We lose more than just our WS when they turn and leave us. We lose many precious dreams as well, things are uncertain, to say the least. I remember my own panic,I can still conjur up the feeling of panic if I let myself remember too vividly, even today, 5 years into a solid wonderful recovery. So let yourself feel the loss. Your feelings are so normal. Please don't give way to those feelings of straying yourself, it will only make a bad situation worse and it will destroy your very good chances of recovery.

I'm praying for you nid. Hang in there. Give H a chance to feel the panic for a change. You'll see it, if you just stay dark, you'll see it.

#1181885 09/18/04 07:57 PM
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Hi WGUY, How is it going? Did you brother-in-law get a chance to change the locks yet? Hope you are doing okay. Just thought I would drop you a line. Have a good weekend.

SS

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