Hi everyone I'm new to this board and need help and advice. My husband of 11yrs and I have have been separate for almost a year now I'll explain how all of this came about. My husband and I have been together for 14ys total and have two beautiful children. My husband adores me I wanted for nothing in our marriage, but space. He would spend every moment with me, and I know some people would say what's wrong with that, but it became suffocating when I could get no time for myself. If I decided to do something away from him, then I didn't love him as much or I was looking for single life. I tried explaining my feelings to my husband, but he would not listen, I'm the type of person who does not like confrontation so I just didn't argue anymore. This help to build alot of resentment for him to the point where I thought I would rather not be around him anymore. About 2yrs ago I started and affair with someone from my past, and left my husband, because I thought I was inlove with this person and he was inlove with me, (he is also married). When I was with this person I enjoyed our time together but something was always missing. Throughout this time my husband and I where intimate on occassion, even though I was not comfortable with this because I felt that I was further disrespecting my husband by being intimate with him and this other man. For awhile now I've been missing my husband terribly, we were able to have a very amicable relationship since we've separated. Recently I realized I don't want to be w/o my husband, I love him and he is the only person I want to be with, throughout this whole thing he has been an amazing help and support to me especially when he had every right not to be. 2mos ago I told him I would love for us to reconcile, and while he still gaurded, he has agreed to try. The problem is at the time I told him this he had just started to see someone new. i guess he has made some kind of connection with this person, because he has decided not to tell this person that we are trying to reconcile. We do things together, with our family and children, we've sat our children down and explain to them that we are trying to work things out. My husband however refuses to stop seeing this woman. He believes this woman is helping him find himself and that he needs this time. He has told me over and over again that I am who he sees forever with and who he will end up with. This woman he says is just a friend even though he has been intimate with her on occasion, he even lies about where he is going when he goes with her, because he says he knows I would feel hur if he told me where he was really going. This does not feel right to me, I've explained to him that if we are to work this out 100% he needs to give this woman up. He does not agree and says he is giving me 100% they are just friends and I need to stop obsessing about her and just concentrate on us. Concentrate on showing him how much I love him,I have absolutely no problem with this. I've told him that since he started seeing this person before I came back as painful as it is I will respect that and step back and let him " discover himself" with her and hope and pray that he comes back to me, but he doesn't want to do that either. I love my husband with everything thats in me and I want him back in my life. What to do I do? Do I stay and keep fighting or do I back off. I underrstand that after what I did he has every right to whatever he's feeling, but if we're really going to try I think this situation has to change. Help me Please!!!!. Sorry about the length.

Welcome to MB, caulah. You're at the right site to what the name says. Nothing less.

You will find a lot of things to read, sources (and a lot of similar situations to yours.) And a lot of great people here than give you some serious food for thought.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Do I stay and keep fighting or do I back off.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have already answered that yourself in your post. You need the guidance of how and that's where the reading and application of MB principles come in.

You need to understand the pain your H went through to get to the point he's at now. Yes, everybody needs their own "downtime", their own space--to some extent. After explaining this to your H, you turn around and fill that "space" with another man. OUCH! You jumped from wanting your space to having an A. Huh? What else was going on at the time?

You say you are separated. But you are still M. It appears (from the info you gave), not only does this appear to be a revenge A, but also you were not fulfilling his needs in some way. So...his needs weren't being met; then gets slapped in the face (it's *ALOT* more than that--ask any BS) with you having an affair. Alot on one's plate. However, no justification for what he did. Kudos to you for posting and taking steps for reconciling. You are absolutely correct: you can *NOT* rebuild your M if there are 3 people involved. He needs to become friends with his W again.

Would he be willing to go to MC with you? Are *you* willing to go to C? You both need it if you want your M to work.

Best wishes. Hope this helps a little.

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 07:26 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

caulah,

Welcome to MB. I would like to urge you to read about several things on this site. Read about needs and meeting them. Then read about what are termed "love busters" in the articles here. Finally, I would like you to read about what Harley terms as the four rules for a good marriage, coupled with reading about two policies that he feels are crucial to a good marriage or building one. These are the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA, and the policy of "radical honesty".

Why am I suggesting this? You are correct your marriage cannot be rebuilt with another woman in the picture. But, I think you have the cart before the horse. I suspect your biggest problem is that your H does NOT trust you, hence he is unwilling to give up his safety net.

You can see the problem, right now you want to work on the marriage,but what if you need "space" again? Will he be left without you or a woman that supports him? You can see the reason for concern.

My suggestion in reading the articles is for you to become his "friend" again. I know you are his W, but you are also the woman that dumped him for another man. You are many things, but I suspect you are NOT a friend he can trust. You need to become such a friend and you do that by being "radically honest" with him about the affair, why you had it, why you left him, and what has changed in your life (not just that OM is gone). You need to practice the POJA (which is a negotiating approach that leads to win-win solutions) so that he sees that in the future if there is trouble, he might have a chance to rectify the situation before you leave him.

In short, he must learn to trust you, and really like you again. I know this is putting a lot on your plate, but you are the one that really wants this. He is not, as evidenced by the presence of the other woman. He is uncertain, perhaps afraid, and he doesn't trust you. He may even think that the only reason you are dealing with him is because he HAS another woman, that you are motivated by jealousy.

So my recommendation is read a lot here, perhaps get the books Surviving an Affair, and His Needs Her Needs by Harley. The first book will let you see the evolution of affairs and why they occur. The later book is a much more in depth discussion of needs. But, mostly take your time and have patience. I think as you are around him and he becomes convinced you are serious, he will let go of his safety blanket.

In some ways this is simply Plan A, which you could also read about.

So keep posting and asking questions, do some reading, and start to communicate with your H about the things that led to this situation. As he comes to understand that you understand and have taken actions to address issues, his trust will grow and I think so will your love for one another.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you for taking the time to give your advices. I will read the articles you have suggested. We do discuss the affair on a regular basis, it's not something that is swept under the rug, because I don't think it will help us rebuild our relationship. Would it be then fair of me to back off and let him figure out where he's going with this relationship with the Ow. I don't believe he's inlove with her, but he is emotionally attached. I actually brought up the idea of counselling and he readily agrees but would like for us to find someone who can guide us as oppose to sitting in a chair and listening to talk as our last therapist did. No I don't want him back because of the other woman, I wanted him back before I knew about her, I just waited too long to tell him what I was feeling, because I was afrair he'd tell me to go to hell. For me my affair was a form of rebellion ,because my husband had so much control in our relationship and I was trying to take some back only I did it the absolute wrong way. In regards to counselling would it be fair to go into counselling with his friend in the picture. If my husband needs the time to get to where he needs to get then I will back off and give him that, but he doesn't want me to back of and while he may not trust me right now (underrstandably so) it's becomming an issue of my trust in him because now he's lying to me so he can be with this woman.
I just bought and started reading a book today titled " back from betrayal" by Suzy Farbman

caulah,

Well the Harleys form of counseling is more like coaching and that may help both of you. I think you need to be very honest with your H and request that he not lie to you about this GF. If you do this however, you must be able to stand the truth. If you react emotionally or strongly he will back away.

As for backing away, if he says he does not want that, then don't do it. But, give him time to figure some of this out. I don't think you fully grasp what your affair did to him. I am betting he is not very confident about you or even his feelings. He may really fear getting hit again by this.

Finally, as something for you to think about, considering what you have said about the marriage his controling or constant attention may be do to his insecurity with the marriage. If that is so then what you must realize is that he is NOT as strong as you think and never was. He was protecting himself. Something for you to think about.

Must go, but I do hope you will read the articles.

God Bless,

JL

In answer to the last post, i believe he was insecure about my feelings. this could be fueled by the fact that his mother left his father when he was a young child and he has never felt deserving of my love, or that he was loveable enough for any woman to stay with him. this all came out during our break-up. I can admit that I left partly because of the feelings I had developed for this person, but also because the guilt of the pain I had caused this person was killing me. I was a coward I know that now I should have stayed and fight, but at the time it seem the safest thing for me do. I've been depressed ever sine we've been apart even when i have spent time with the OM I could never enjoy anything because I knew I was cruel to my husband and kids and I was also messing with this mans marriage. I have cut all contacts and ties with this person. I know my husband is afraid and gaurded and I totally expect that, because i have alot of making up to do. I would never want to put him, my children or family through this kind of pain a second time around, I know with everything that's in me I could never physically or emotionally survive putting him through that kind of pain everr again. I want my husband and my husband only. I miss him terribly even when we were apart I felt that way. I couldn't admit that to him, because i felt like such a failure, and i still do. I have no-one to blame for my situation but myself, because I was stupid and selfish... should we still do counselling if this woman's still in the picture, I will do anything to mend our relationship, anything to have him trust me again. I'm so sorry for all the anguish and hurt that i've caused him. I don't want to push him, but I'm also afraid I'll loose him emotionaly to this person.
C