A week after my D Aug 3, I met the most wonderful lady via a mutual friend. She is quite taken with me and I enjoy her positive spirit. I'm concerned however, b/c I know I'm still a head case, reeling from the trauma of my WxW’s affair, rapid Divorce, and its aftermath.

Although most of my friends are women (known most at least 15 years), I don't know how much about how this stuff works. I'm realizing very quickly that the level of ease I project with ladies can be taken very differently when you are unmarried. All I know I'm too scarred and too scared to be in a new committed relationship now. I'm working on figuring me out, accomplishing my goals and extracting myself from the fallout of the Dv (see my current set of challenges HERE ). I told her (and EVERYONE else who broaches the subject) as much. I do, however enjoy the company of this very neat person.

So I'm wondering:

1). Can any kind of new relationship--even a platonic one—bxn me and a woman be anything but catastrophic?

2). Would leaving it alone be smart or self-sacrificing? Would pursuing it be positive or selfish?

3). Am I giving mixed signals by simply spending time with her, even if I've made it clear I am not looking for a partner now and she seems to accept those parameters?

This post-Divorce stuff is so confusing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ September 18, 2004, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

Everything I've heard as far as recommendations has said to wait at least a year after the D is final before...dating....(Christian as well as secular counselors) Do most people follow that advice? I doubt it. It is wise to follow that advice? Probably. Easier said than done.

They said that you need at least that long to process mourning the loss and becoming whole again. It seems best to focus on being the best father you can and maybe going out as part of a group.

I doubt if it is fair to go out with a nice woman and spend a bunch of time going over your recent, painful history.

Give yourself time to really heal. You still have a lot on your plate trying to salvage you professional reputation, your job, and the potential losses that still may come if you don't get it together.

Let her know that if she is still available in a year or so you will be looking her up...or she is free to contact you at that time.

My sister didn't wait a year...I am not sure she is making a great choice in her new man...another possible alcoholic...I think he is still on good behavior in their still fairly new relationship.

I think by dating (match.com and friends setting her up) she didn't process the pain of her divorce quite long enough but kept her mind preoccupied by what the various men were doing, feeling...another sort of drama.

The man she is now committing to was divorced 4 yrs and still angry about his XW.

Everyone has a different set of ideas.

Just remember chemistry 101 and basic common sense.

You are pretty emotionally empty. That makes you a prime target and easy to fill. This also blinds you from having a really good look at the first person to start filling your tanks :-)

Further, once someone does start filling your tank, the brain chemistry is likely to start playing with your emotions and making you even more blind (falling in love).

TIME is your friend. Make a rule for yourself - No matter what happens, you absolutely will not get married or even engaged for a minimum of THREE years.

You will likely be tempted to think otherwise.

Now go and have some much deserved FUN!

Gimble

It's a hard call, all the experts do say to wait, however I agree with Gimble. Be very careful.

Knowing the pain all on this board have suffered, and how short life is I say go. Just don't hurt someone who is probably going to be the rebound person at this point because of how needy you are right now.

Dleigh you've been through a lot of pain and loss. No one would hold it against you if you wanted the gentleness and caring attention of a woman right now. And you are divorced.

I remember a few months ago you said that you couldn't even imagine it for a couple of years, so good for you...you are finally in survival mode.

If I could even look at another man besides my ex, I would go out with him. But I got a feeling for me it will be a very long time before that happens.

My brain chemistry isn't going crazy, I just like the lady. I don't want to marry, get engaged, or be romantically involved with this person. Can't I enjoy the company of someone who isn't attached to this drama?

It seems that loving my WxW as much as I still do is more harmful than connecting with a positive person who doesn't fill the void, but reminds me that there is more to life than loss.

My friends have tried to introduce me to other women and I've declined. I'm not trying to date now. The friend that intrduced me to to *** wasn't trying to 'hook me up', so I was less guarded. *** is quite taken with me, though and I know her chemistry set is working harder than mine. Although she says she gets it, I don't think she can fathom the emotional state I'm in, especially since I don't obsess over the M & Dv with her. I don't want that to become a problem. Wishful thinking, am I?

on a serious note I really would wait because number one you need to work on you and you can't do that when you have to worry about someone elses feelings......Number two they say if you go into a new relationship with out working on yourself or bad habit from the last one...they will follow you to your new relationship and cause the same problems.....My WH has jumped right on into a relationship and it has seriously hurt me....and he really REALLY needed to fix himself before he did that....I still love him and want a marriage but I think his current relationship is his way of trying to get out of ours.....

Part of it also comes down to how long your plan a or plan b was... that has a serious impact on who you are on how you are. You described yourself as still reeling, which to me, says you know full well you are in no shape to aquire a lady friend of any type right now.

In recovery, one of the primary focuses of recovery is that 15 hours per week with NO LB's...why do you think that is? It's how you fall in love, get that tingly feeling... that time together establishes a bond. If you start spending time with this gal, you start down that path. If it is truly what you say, then agree to hang out with her in groups, where there are 5 or more people. That way, she isn't or doesn't have to be the primary focus of your attention or conversation.

Right now, it's almost impossible for you to have a conversation one on one and not emotionally dump on the other person, I would imagine. It would be a scenario of a person helping a lost puppy, or preying upon a succesful businessman...

Stay guarded for a bit. Try to find the time to appreciate what you have in front of you, I know it may not feel like much right now, but the opportunities for you right now are opening up. Try to enjoy them, but maintain your character, dignity, and respect while doing them.

Hang in there.

I think it depends on the individual IMO. It might go against u to jump into something, but on the other hand you might be dead in 3 weeks. I am about divorced here. heck I may even be divorced! I don't even know when her court date is or was. Either last week or this week. Anyway, if I happen to meet someone soon I am not going to fight it. I haven't been with my wife in four months now. I am the kind of person who tries to move on as fast as possible. I don't know if that is good but I am a total relationship type person.

d:

My Humble Opinions:

"Can any kind of new relationship--even a platonic one—bxn me and a woman be anything but catastrophic?"

Heck yes! I have a hard time believing you'd wreak any kind of havoc on anyone else after what you've been through. I don't know this other person, though, but I believe that you are careful and thoughtful - more so than most people.

"2). Would leaving it alone be smart or self-sacrificing?"

Yes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

"Would pursuing it be positive or selfish?"

Yes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> - at least one or the other. Again, I don't think you're selfish enough 2 be cruel, though.

"3). Am I giving mixed signals by simply spending time with her, even if I've made it clear I am not looking for a partner now and she seems to accept those parameters?"

I really don't think so.

I remember at least 2 MBers who started dating pretty 2uickly after a DV. One of them had been M'd something like 17 years with teenage kids, and his W had an A with a young kid living with his mom. She DV'd HIM on a really fast track right after the DV started. After the DV, she got dumped by the kid and wanted 2 come home, but the BS was already involved with someone else and planned 2 marry her. Last I heard he was kind of undecided what he wanted. I thought that case was very sad.

the other guy was a lot like you in many ways - very caring and compassionate with his WW, who was having an A with an internet partner. She was vicious with him, pretty much no matter what he did. She left him and their 2 young sons for her OM in another state. I don't remember who filed, but their DV would have been final about a year ago now. He was engaged when I last heard from him, and doing very well.

Also a relatively fast 2rnaround, but I believe it was a happy one in the end, at least for him and his kids.

I think the key ingredient here is that you're honest about what you're going through. You're caring about your friend, 2.

My prediction is that you'll be okay.

-ol' 2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This surely is a test of faith. To see with my worldly eyes my WxW enjoying the fruits of her selfish acts hurts me to no end. Sometimes I feel so alone and abandoned. Then I'm reminded that there is a GOD who sees and hears all, who allows life to happen so lessons can come. The pain can't last, nor can this "Season of Sin". I pray, hten, for patience and wisdom. Thanks.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">dlc - There is nothing wrong with a friendship with a woman. You ARE divorced. But "patience and wisdom" are definitely what is needed.

IF the woman is connected in any way with your job, then considering all that has gone on there, I'd steer clear. If she is not connected with your job, then no problems on THAT front.

One piece of "advice" though, most affairs and most "serious relationships" BEGIN with "just being friends." It meets and feeds some of our Emotional Needs. Since I know nothing about this woman friend the first "caution" that I would raise is whether or not she is herself a committed Christian. What you don't need is a scenario of "out of the frying pan and into the fire." You and I DON'T know the future, but God does. Therefore, let obedience to God and honoring God be your guide.

If you think that there is any chance for a future reconciliation with your ex-W, then definitely put the brakes on any potential relationship. Especially relationships outside of the "family of God."

dlc, as Job's friends may have been "well-meaning" with some of their advice to him, it would be good to emulate Job's response and "wait on the Lord." You now know, after all that you have been through, that women DO view relationships with men differently than men view relationships with women. Women are MUCH more into the emotional side and attach to a caring man easily. Add to that the "mothering instinct" of wanting to "ease the pain" of someone they care about, and you have the basic ingredients for more emotional turmoil.

This soon after a divorce all that I can caution you about is that YOUR emotional barometer is likely not functioning at a peak performance level. Trust God, not your emotions.

TRUST is going to be a big issue for you for quite some time. You now know that it IS possible for you to be a "nice guy" and still get hurt, so I'm betting that you are, and will be, very cautious about letting your "trust guard" down. The woman at work proved this and your wife proved this to you. So you KNOW.

Think of it like you were in a bad car wreck, are severely injured and bleeding. You "accept" the first offer of aid that comes your way. You may even let them take you to the "closest" hospital. But that hospital is NOT equipped to handly your level of trauma. If they try, you are in danger of not recovering. They might be able to "stablize" you, but then they need to transfer you to a trauma center that HAS the skill and training and people who CAN help you to recover. But even there, it will take time. They will work on the "most serious," the "most life-threatening" things first, and then over time will seek to get ALL of you healed and recovered. It takes TIME, patience, faith, and hope.

Choose wisely. Take things to God first. Let God lead, not your emotions. Be certain that "help" is from the "Great Physician" and not another temptation.

God bless.

Good advice, all! It seems that what matters is not only time, but intent. I want to and should take things slow. I have to sort out my own life and goals. FH, you are right, I am guarded. I will have to let that down if I am going to be a good partner to anyone.

That analogy about the car wreck is spot-on. the nature of my long term recovery is yet to be determined. I do know this much: I've been hurt too much to use someone for my own desires and needs. If I can't appropriately contribute to a relationship, then I'm out. I think that's fair enough.

geee now that you figured that out can you talk to my husband and get it through his thick head that his rebound relationship and revenge affair isn't a good idea....especially when the MC told him to get individualy pshyciatric counseling......and he won't go because he says he doesn't have the time....well he says te same about extra days to visit his son instead of 3-4 hours a week.....

Sorry, Missinghimterribly. People move so fast and hard on their emotions, that they often crash. The reason that I'm careful is because I don't want to cause the kind of pain I've experienced. Revenge doesn't work. Rebound doesn't work. I hope your H wakes up b4 he does something he regrets.

Juke, I'm kind with you. Almost divorced here too. It may be fog, but I haven't had a decent good thought about my wife in weeks.

Gimble, I think is setting forth the best course of action for me. Go out and have some fun. But be careful, don't want to become a victim of the "brain chemistry"

Dleighton, did the right thing bouncing this off the MB board. Keeps you grounded. Now go out and have fun Dleighton. In a group, double date, whatever. But get grounded back here on the MB board. And listen to them, it is easy to discount advice that you thinks deprives you of pleasure. That's why our cheatin' wives would never listen.

.

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 02:10 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

Yeah, that chemistry thing is tricky. It seems that awareness of it provides some moderation of its effects. When people believe in "destiny" and "magic" in romance, they abdicate their power of choice in their actions. I've been 'high' on love, but never so much so that I took leave of my senses.

I hope the trend continues... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 02:11 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>