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kloe72 Offline OP
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WH is coming over tomorrow to "talk". Originally, he told me he wanted to talk when we were discussing what time he would spend with the baby when she was born. I told him he could spend as much time with his daughter as he wanted, I would never deny him time with his child. But he said he still wanted to talk in person. I have no idea what to expect. His actions of late have been:

*He had given me three CD's
*He gave me a picture frame for the baby's room
*He gave me a book that he read and enjoyed (The Five people you met in Heaven)
*Yesterday he left me a funny e-mail to read
*He was off from work this week so he came over to the house and took care of the dogs so I didn't have to come home for lunch and do that
*He bought a new cover for our pool table
*He picked up the crib and changing table for the baby's room
*Last Saturday he came over and hung out for over 6 hours

His actions of late have been very positive, but there still is not R talk and he hasn't even so much as hugged me in months. I get the feeling he is nervous about something, I just don't know if it is good or bad. I am going to prepare for the worst (he says he wants a D) and hope for the best (that he wants to work on our M) but expect something in between. Everyone says actions speak louder then words, but we will see tomorrow...

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I'll be thinking about you tomorrow. Who knows what he wants to talk about? He might say he wants a divorce, and then next week say he wants to reconcile.

Whatever he says, just remember (like everyone tells me), watch his actions.

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Kloe,

Now take Ark's advice, and wear something sexy, act very charming, funny and sexy. Flirt with him and then leave. Tell him you are meeting friends and can't talk right then, but you would love to talk on Sunday.

Then leave...

leave him guessing
leave him wanting more
make him wonder what is going on with you

If what he wants to talk about is important to him than he will come back on Sunday after he has thought about the mystery of YOU all night.

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I will be thinking and praying for you tomorrow. Hope your weekend goes well. Take care of yourself and that little one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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Wow!
If mine did what weaver suggests (or Ark?) I'd be left all a flutter... and mine is a WW! (well FWW)

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And that's a good thing, right Painter?

Thats what Kloe wants, "all a flutter". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


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Hmmm,

I disagree tremendously with that statement. There is nothing wrong with trying to dress attractively for him, and to show him you are still hot! However, don't play games. THat is deceitful, and honestly, not what you want to establish in your home, especially with child on the way.

Biblically, we are told what adultresses are....they are (oh man, help here guys) deceitful, lying, cunning, snakes (?) .... while the ways of a wife are solid, stability, honesty, strong character... those are what you want to exhibit. Why make him wonder what you are doing? If you want to play games like that, it just makes me think of high school. Sure, you could go out on a date, and perhaps your husband might have a change of heart and come rushing home, out of jealousy? Man, no thanks. I can take being here, amongst all the misery and pain, on the hopes and promises of the future and the good it can bring. But, if you manipulate (that is what the Bible says, they are manipulative) your husband home, then, I think you set yourself up for a repeat down the road.

If actions speak louder than words, then you have your answer, be encouraged. He is showing you alot. I would just tell him thank you. Don't gloss it up, don't make it mushy mushy, just say thank you, it helped you out. He knows how wrong he is...just try to go on as if you are ok. I know that is a crappy spot, but, it sounds like it's where you are at. I think you are in a plan a? Definitely not plan b with him coming over...lol.

So, continue on with actions appropriate to plan a.

Hang in there.

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Wow, RK, I sure disagree with you.

The usual ways of communicating with our WSs do not work. What you call deceit and manipulation and game-playing I consider just another kind of communication. When we are acting out of love in what we believe to be the best interests of ourselves, our children, and our spouses, I don't see anything wrong in it.

WSs are incapable of empathy, and rationality escapes them. When you are dealing with somebody in a state like that, you reach them in the ways you think might work.

I'm not very articulate about this, but oh well.

Kloe, good luck tomorrow.

GC

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kloe72 Offline OP
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I think Ark's methods are more about mystery and making the WS think, rather then being deceitful or manupulative. It's about planting the seed of doubt in the WS mind that you will always be there waiting for them, because we won't always be there. Plus I don't think WH would buy I was dating, seeing how my stomach is getting bigger by the hour and I can barely stay awake past 10 pm!

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kloe72 Offline OP
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Well, absolutely nothing. WH came over around 5 pm but had his/our 4 year old nephew with him, he is babysitting until 9 pm. We watched some football and that was nice. We are both big sports fans; although we were rooting for opposite teams - I like Michigan, he likes Notre Dame. Towards the end of the game he asked me a few questions - Do you think I should take 6 weeks off after the baby is born? I said that's up to you. He then asked what my parents would think about him being around. I told him that it is his baby too. He asked if they hated him. I said he probably was not their favorite person but they didn't hate him. He asked if they knew why he left and I said no. He said something after that but I couldn't hear him and then our nephew interupted. He later asked if I was going to take a lamez class and I just shugged my shoulders. You need a partner to take those classes and I don't have one.

I really didn't feel comfortable talking with our nephew sitting right there, so I hardly said anything. We were able to laugh some and watch the game and it was nice, but once he started asking questions I just wanted to cry so I didn't say much.

So I guess that was the big talk that got us nowhere and now it's back to the same old. Some days I just think it would be easier if he just came out and said he wanted a D and got it over with, I hate living in limbo.

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kloe - Well these things happen a lot. My WH came over to settle our financial arrangements, and would not agree on anything. Then he asked me why I wanted to talk to him about things. The funny thing is that he called me to set up the meeting.

So this is how they think.

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Kloe,

Do you think maybe you are being a little too passive?

Why don't you just come right out and ask him if he wants a divorce? Just because the words are said does not make it so, and just because the words are unspoken does not make it so either.

I really think you need to open up some honest communcation here, otherwise what is the point?

Don't let your fear paralyze you. How can you fight something when you don't even know what it is your fighting?

These are just my thoughts on this, so take them with a grain of salt but I think your continual silence might be counterproductive. It is not only about what he wants, what he feels, it is also about you feel and what you want.

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kloe72 Offline OP
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Weaver - You are absolutely right. I am paralized by fear and need to get over it. I tried this week, I reached out to him to see if he still wanted to talk. He said he did and we set up the time for today. But then he had our nephew with him and I couldn't talk openly in front of him. He is going to the Redskins game tomorrow and will be there all day so I won't be able to talk to him tomorrow. I should just call him now and ask him to come back tonight, I don't know why I don't.

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I also wanted to say, don't listen to me, I just feel very frustrated for you, and it bothers me to hear you say that you wish he would just ask for the divorce and get it over with. You don't even know if that is what he wants.

It sounds so defeated, and so not you, as I read you when you post to others, your posts show how caring and very smart you are.

Weaver

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We were posting at the same time.

Just don't underestimate yourself and what you are to him. He needs a little push, in my opinion.

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kloe72 Offline OP
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O-k I have to do something or I am just going to let my M slip away while I do nothing. Then I will always have to live with the knowledge that I was too scared to do anything.

Here is a letter I have typed up and I am going to send to WH:

We still need to talk, but neither of us seems capable of making the first move. You seem like you want to say something to me, but I don’t know what. I don’t know if you are afraid of hurting me or afraid of what I will say. Obviously not being able to communicate about difficult issues is our biggest problem. But I can no longer let my fear of what you might say keep us from talking.

Maybe it would help you if I told you where I stand. Despite everything, I still love you and want to make this marriage work, but this is not something that I can do on my own. And I can not live like this forever. I want us to be a family again and I am willing to do my part to make this happen. The problems we have are not insurmountable and we can get past the mistakes of our past, if that is what we want and are willing to work towards.

If this is not what you want, we still need to learn to talk. We are going to be parents and have to be able to communicate for the sake of our baby. If we can’t talk now, I don’t know what we will do when she is born. You asked me today if I was planning on doing Lamaze. I didn’t know how to answer you. I want to do it, but to do Lamaze you have to have a partner and right now I don’t have a partner. You asked me if you should take six weeks off after that baby is born, but you never told me what you wanted. These are the type of things we have to talk about, we can’t just ignore these things.

So let me know when we can sit down and really talk.

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Kloe,

I think that is a very good start.

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kloe72 Offline OP
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Thanks Weaver that is what I needed to hear, I just hit the send button. WH has a Blackberry so he will get the e-mail shortly.

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kloe72 Offline OP
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Here is his reply:

Maybe we can go out after work one day next week to talk. With "nephew" there today and being in the house makes it difficult.

I am bad at communicating, but will promise to talk to you next week.

I'll know my schedule for the week on Monday.

I DO want to take the six weeks off to help take care of the baby and you if need be. If I need to take any longer, I can do so.

We can talk more about everything next week.

Have a good rest of the weekend


I still don't know if this is good or bad, but at least it's something. I just can't keep going in limbo for the next three months.

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This sounds good Kloe. Well done.

GC

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