The unfairness of betrayal can really nurture masochistic feelings that serve to prolong pain and delay taking over responsibility for our own happiness.
Well, NCWalker wrote to Family Matters the following message and I thought it needed it's own thread. This has strengthened my own personal focus on recovering ME, and letting go. Enjoy.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks NCWalker.
*******************
FM:
You are asking a tough question of me. I am early in recovery, pleased at the outcome of the A ending and NC. But like you, things are not perfect. Pep said it right. It is not an answer, but an opportunity.
As the BS we struggle with the "fairness." If they asked us all to take a step forward if we demanded something of our WS after the A was over that was probably unreasonable, I'd be one of the first to step up.
It just doesn't make d@mn sense. We did all this work, swallowed all this cr@p, they sullenly and sluggishly agree to come back and essentially say "We'll see if it works." What the heck is THAT load of bull? Where's the remorse? It's d@mn confusing.
Know what that means to me? Means I need a fresh perspective.
======
FM: STOP READING RIGHT NOW AND DO THIS FOR ME. Get a piece of paper and answer this question.
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A good friend of yours is providing a shoulder for you to cry on. You just needed to unload and picked this guy. He is happily married with a few kids. He has had his share of marital problems, but his wife has been faithful. Not even a hint of adulterous behavior in the 10 years of his marriage. During his efforts to console you about your problem he says something like "FM, I understand what you are going through..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now answer this question on the piece of paper. Does he understand, or does he THINK he understands? Tuck it in your pocket.
======
OK. Now is the part of the story where I brag about one of my personal heroes.
There is a physicist (deceased now) named Richard P. Feynman. He led an amazing life. He worked on the Manhattan Project. He was instrumental in quantum-electrodynamics. He was involved in the birth of modern genetic theory. He was responsible for kicking off modern diffusion theory. He was instrumental in the development of implementing numerical methods before we even had computers. He was the key figure who figured out the root cause of the space shuttle Challenger disaster. He foretold of nanotechnology. Most every pivotal scientific advancement since Einstein's relativity bears his thumbprint.
Know what? Most don't know who he is. Most assume he is some stuffy, geeky scientist. He wasn't. He was giving and thoughtful. He liked to have fun and knew how to party. He had an excess of personality and is described as a light to most everyone who met him. His biography is amazing.
He was also a husband to a woman named Arline. She was his first wife. She died (of tuberculosis, I think) when he was a young man. She was the center of his life. He cared for her and the disease quite debilitated her towards the end of her life. He eventually remarried, but I don't think he ever forgot her.
What a cruel twist of fate, to strive and have her taken away at the end. But would it really have been better if she had survived? If a loved one contracts an illness, falls into a coma, or requires EXTREME care for an extended period then comes out, what do you typically do? I would say rejoice, for the loved one has returned. After that, do you look at them and say they OWE you for the care? Of course not. You CHOSE to do it out of LOVE, not expecting to be paid back. You simply rejoice that they have returned.
Let that sink in...
Now ask, is your wife's affair any different? Yes, she CHOSE to stray and cause you to exert this GREAT OUTPOURING of suffering and love. But that was HER choice. We are talking about FM here, not his wife. What was YOUR choice? You CHOSE to exert this love to recover your loved one hopefully because you LOVED her. Not with some repayment of debt in mind. How is that different from the debilitating disease I spoke of above? It's not. You made your choice. Out of love. No expectations. Did you KNOW she would come back, or only HOPE she would come back? Does she now OWE you for something freely given? I don't think so.
Pull the piece of paper out of your pocket. What did you write on it? Your friend doesn't understand, does he? Next question: do you?
You understand what the betrayal feels like, because you have now been betrayed.
What you are asking/saying in your current thread is that you EXPECT that recovery should be a certain way BUT YOU YOURSELF DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. Why? You haven't been through it. If you were talking to someone who has fully recovered their marriage and told them you understood what recovery was like, what do YOU think THEY would put on the piece of paper if I asked THEM?
Tough question.
So what do you do next?
Simple answer, really. You be the best person you can be. You watch your expectations. Everything you "get" from this point forward is a blessing, not an endowment. Biblically, at what point are we EVER excused from doing our best?
If the current state of your marriage is not good enough for you, there really are only two choices. Suck it up and hope it improves, or move on. Neither of which is an excuse for you to NOT do your best. Hopefully, that will sink in for your wife and you will be in a healthy, reciprocating relationship.
But if it NEVER does, does that change your options or requirements? No. I would say this, you are more likely to be in the healthy relationship if you LEAD her there rather than PUSH her there. Funny thing about leading though, if you go to slow, you are typically overtaken, but if you go TOO FAST you lose the people following you. The pace you set is a balancing act. (By the way, if you can find the place where it is promised that this would be easy, let me know cuz I haven't found it yet.)
You know what the saddest thing is? All this is typically spelled out in our marriage vows, if we just take the time to listen. You promised to be good to her: honor, obedience, cherishing, loving. She did the same for you. OK. She broke her promise. Ask yourself this, did you end your vows with "...as long as she does the same for me." or did you end them "... til death do us part?"
Your disappointment in your current situation is because the enemy is feeding your head and heart with thoughts like ...
... my wife is the SOURCE of my happiness.
... she OWES me for what I have done.
... all of this pain wouldn't be here if she hadn't...
because HE WANTS YOU TO FAIL.
Let me rewrite the above lines in a pleasing way to help YOU get though your day.
... I am the source of my happiness. Praise God that my happiness spills over to my wife because I PROMISED HER THIS ON MY WEDDING DAY.
... I forgave her out of LOVE and as the Christlike model I am SUPPOSED to be, it is unconditional. Praise God for the OPPORTUNITY of showing I can stand and deliver ON MY WEDDING VOWS.
... Praise God that he never burdens me with something I can't bear and I will not let the enemy use this pain to TURN ME FROM MY WEDDING VOWS.
Then take a bow. You did it and you will do it. Even Jesus himself questioned the will of the Father, BUT HE STILL DID IT. Your integrity and honor can never be taken, only given. Don't let the enemy trick you into giving it away. That's what is going on here, and you must realize it.
I can't promise you that it will work out for you and her. I really wish I could. I really believe you deserve the best wife God can give. YOU need to reach out and pray that promise into existence, YOU are the spiritual head of your house.
The only thing I can tell you with certaintiy is this. Now matter how the Enemy chooses to cloak your situation on any given day, you can choose to STAY (with EVERYTHING that comes with it) or GO (with EVERYTHING that comes with it). The only other certainty is that for the rest of your life, you will have to live with yourself and your choice and you will answer for each and every one at the end of it.
I believe I can get YOU to answer YOUR questions (all of them) if you will just answer mine. Given all this, what's most important for FM, what she does, or what you do?
It's all about perspective. I keep you on track today, you keep me on track tomorrow. Both of us are going to make mistakes. Both of our spouses are, too. Why else would God teach us to forgive?
NCW
