I finally did it. I had the big discussion with my H. I asked him to leave.

My H came home from work yesterday and said that he will probably be switching locations at work (locally). I told him that it would be a good opportunity for him since he's so burned out at his current location. I also told him that it would be a good opportunity for him to find his own place to live.

I told him that I know that he doesn't want me to transfer to Europe with him. (not how I know, though) I told him that I know that he doesn't feel the same for me anymore. I said that since he didn't want to work on our M - discuss issues, go to MC, etc., that I think it would be best for us to separate. I told him that I still love him and that I never expected that we would end up this way. I said that if he ever considered re-committing to our M and going to MC, etc, I would think about getting back together. I told him that, as it is, it is too difficult for me to live with someone who does not love me. I need to move on. I told him that I am improving myself (I apologized for my part in getting to this situation in our M and gave examples) and will continue to work on myself. I also told him that it would benefit him to work on his issues with his father and his emotional abuse issues - if he ever wants to have another R. I think I basically voiced him a plan B letter. I'm not sure about the no contact part, though. Maybe this is more plan D than plan B.

He took it ALL in. He had kind of a look of surprise and sadness on his face, but never looked at me directly. He also NEVER said a word - even after I got it all out. It just confirmed to me that he's done with this M and that he'll probably take me up on the offer to move out. I told him that he can start his life over and have his freedom - just what he wanted. I am "letting him go." I told him that he doesn't have to worry about me "watching" him all the time anymore.

After my speech, we watched the "Amazing Race," one of our favorite shows (since we both love travel and adventure). It was as if I never brought up the subject. We laughed a little and made some comments about the show. Afterwards I went to bed.

I tried to keep myself together through my whole speech and be strong. I wasn't angry or negative. I couldn't help choking up a bit and getting all teary eyed, though. I really tried to fight it. I didn't want to appear weak or needy. Now I feel a little better - sad- but relieved that it's out in the open. Now I just have to wait to see what he will do.

<small>[ October 31, 2004, 07:26 AM: Message edited by: svb1 ]</small>

Congratulations on taking what must have been a difficult step. But what is next? Suppose he doesn't move. Sounds from his initial reaction...saying nothing watching TV, that he may return from work today and continue as though he never heard you. Pray, pray, pray!! Good luck with what must be a sad event! Ken

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by svb1:
He took it ALL in. He had kind of a look of surprise and sadness on his face, but never looked at me directly. He also NEVER said a word – even after I got it all out. It just confirmed to me that he’s done with this M and that he’ll probably take me up on the offer to move out. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey sv...never posted to you and honestly don't know ytour story. However, I read this and the above jumped out at me--this is me!

You seem to be at a peaceful place after saying this, and I do not want to get your hopes up or anything--you know your H better than anybody. But, my FBS says the same thing about eye contact and "say something damnit!" He's taking it all in. He's going through his mind how this is *really* going to affect him. This is a test for him: pride or marriage? There's nothing for him to say now. His actions have told his story and you put it all out there. He's already "spoken". Now, he has to decide. (Is this the first time you have put it all out like this? Curious.) This is *his* deciding moment: does he go for the three or foul out? Be "grateful" he didn't react. (Yes, some sarcasm in there.) I'm not saying this is it--the final decision. But in his mind, it is for *you*.

This is just my persepctive. I may be totally off! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I hope--for you--things work out for *you*.

Best wishes!

svb 1,

Bravo!!!! I admire your courage and the way YOU are now IN CONTROL.

Now the hard part. You got to walk the walk after you have given him that talk!!!!( pardon me Johnny Cochran)

DiceMan, I'll give him a little time to think about it. He can stay if he can prove to me that he wants to commit to our M. Otherwise, if he doesn't want to leave, I will leave.

LINY, this is the first time that I've laid this all out to him like this - either commit to the M or leave. I have been plan Aing for quite a while now. I have realized, though, that, although he's noticed changes in me, he still wants to live his life in the future without me. I'm tired of waiting for him to say or do something, though. If he doesn't want me, I need him to let me move on with my life.

As for him not looking at me or saying anything , I've noticed that he does this often in discussions. In the past, before plan A, I WOULD get upset with him and try to MAKE him say something. He would only get furious. But now I know that he heard me. Maybe now he just needs time to think about things and decide, like you say. A little part of me thinks and hopes that he might decide to stay afterall - maybe he will wonder if leaving is really what he wants. But mainly I think that his mind is already made up and that he will leave. It is up to him now. I know that, either way, I will be OK.

svb, I think you did just a beautiful job. Hopefully, it will inspire him to open up to you becuase there is just no hope unless he is honest.

Thanks cymanca. It'll be difficult, I know, but I will do it. I'm just so tired of being in limbo. Like I said, I will be fine no matter what happens. I would look forward to him deciding that he wants to stay and work on our M, but I would also look forward to starting over on my own, if necessary. I just want to DO SOMETHING.

Thanks, ML. I'll keep you posted on what he eventually says. He works late tonight, so I probably won't really have a chance to see him until tomorrow night. Hopefully it will give him enough time to chew on this and be able to talk to me then.

<small>[ September 15, 2004, 02:40 PM: Message edited by: svb1 ]</small>

Here's an update.

My H called me at work yesterday (rare) to tell me that he found out more about his new position. It is only temporary (about 6 weeks) to help open up a new facility approx. 2 hours away. He will be starting on Monday. He said they will probably put him up in a hotel during the week and that he can come home on the weekends. Since I was at work on the phone, I didn't go into anything with him. I pretty much just listened and told him again that this sounds like a good experience for him. But I kept thinking, "why bother even coming home on the weekends?"

At home last night, he didn't even mention anything about the talk that we had the other night. I am wondering if he is trying to ignore that it ever happened.

I know that he heard me, though. The very next morning after my talk, I overheard a conversation with his sister. He told her that I suggested that we separate. He then mentioned to her that he heard someone say something on tv (Dr. Phil) --that before a couple separates, they have to be sure that they did everything that they could to save the marriage beforehand -- otherwise they will never be at peace. He said to his sister, "so my question is -- have I done everything to save this marriage? --- I don't know." I know the answer to that question -- he has done NOTHING. I just don't get it. He has been telling his sister in the past that this M is over.

I mentioned his comments to my brother. My brother thinks that my H is still done with our M, he just wants to sound like the "good guy" to his sister.

I don't know what to think. I have to talk to him again before he leaves. I have to ask him if he "heard" what I was telling him because I am very serious about him leaving. I want to suggest that he stay there on the weekends as well.

Now up until the time that he leaves, how do I act? Plan A, Plan B, or 180?

svb

You've done just fine. Now until he leaves, I would stay in Plan A, and write out just what you told him, in a Plan B letter.

When he leaves give him the letter, which should mention that to preserve your love for him, he needs to stay away on the weekends.

Please do not skip Plan B. That is an essential part of the MB program.

Thanks Believer.

I will put it in writing and give it to him.

svb

hmmm, I think believer has a great idea. See, Plan B is supposed to break up an affair, but I don't see why it wouldn't be effective in this situation. That way he can be clear what he has to do to come back. He can't hide from the truth or pretend this all away.

And there is really no reason to continue in a quasi-Plan A, svb, you have already shown him your best side.

Hi ML,

Yes, it is a good idea. I'm going to give him a letter. I have to work on putting one together.
I'll insist that he stay away for the entire time. He can use the time to decide what he really wants to do.

I'm only afraid he'll blow off the letter, like my talk, and still come home on the weekends. I could always make plans to be away on the weekends - if that is the case.

I'll just have to try and see what happens.

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: svb1 ]</small>

OK, I think I might have ruined my plan B opportunity.

My H is officially gone. He left last night. I thought he was going to leave tonight, so I didn't have the plan B letter ready to give him. That's mistake number 1.

On Friday he called me at work to ask if I wanted to go out that night. We ended up going out to dinner. We had a nice time, and I stayed away from R talk. He didn't bring it up either. When we went to sleep, he snuggled with me all night long.

On Saturday, I had to work. He stayed at home to pack. I set up my voice-activated recorder. I came home from work and we ate, and then had coffee. I asked him if he heard anything at all that I told him the other night about him leaving. His first reaction was, "I don't want to talk about it." I said, "We have to." I gave him a short version of what I told him the other night. I told him that I need to know if he wants to work on our M, otherwise there is no point to him coming home, even for the weekends. He said, "Did I ever say that I didn't want to work on our M? What makes you think that I don't?" I told him that it was a feeling that I had. I told him that he never wants to talk about our issues, although he's mentioned in the past that we have issues, and that he doesn't want to fill out any questionnaires or go to counseling. At that point he started getting ready to leave. He already had his suitcase in the car. I said, "You're going now?" He said that he'd rather leave tonight than tomorrow at 4am. He said he would stay if I wanted him to. I said, "No, that"s OK, I don't want you to have to get up that early." We hugged for a long time when he left.

After he left, I listened to the recording. He had called his mother, his favorite sister, and his niece yesterday. His mother knows nothing about our situation. He is apparently shielding her. He told his sister that he is leaving and that he will come home on the weekends and that I can go visit him on some weekends, too - although his impression was that I didn't want to go visit him. He also told her that I was "colder" or more detached since I had my "talk" with him. He told his niece that it appears that I have in my mind that our M is over and that I am preparing for a D. He said that he is very sad to be leaving, but happy at the same time. He said it is very sad that our M is ending. It is sad that his career is taking off, but his M is ending. He said, "I guess you can't have it all." He said that after the six weeks he might find a small apartment to live in.

Well, after I listened to all of that, he called me to tell me that he had arrived. He was very talkative and told me about his co-workers that he had met at the hotel and about the job they were about to do. We talked some more about our R. I asked him again if he wants to work on our M, because, ultimately, that is what I want to do. He said, "I don't know, I'm tired, I'm just tired." He asked me, "Why is it that, for years, when I was upset and wanted to work on issues, you wouldn't listen to me, and now that YOU are upset, we have to work on our M?" I told him that I didn't understand how seriously he felt. I told him that now he has scared me into realizing how serious he was. He told me that he never wanted for us to live separate lives while married, like we've been doing. I said that I didn't either. So I said, "What are we going to do?" He said, "We'll see - we'll talk later."

So, honestly, I don?t know what to do now. This is the first time we have both talked about our R in a long time. This is the most that he's opened up to me in a while. And although I felt very positive after I got off the phone with him, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that he didn't really tell me or promise me anything at all. Maybe mistake number 2 was talking too much about our R. I tried not to sound needy. I am just so weak.

He sends me so many mixed signals. First he tells his sister that our M is over, then he tells her that he's not sure if he's done everything that he could before we separate. He's happy to leave and sad to leave at the same time. He wanted to spend time with me and he snuggled with me before he left. He wants me to come and visit him.

Can someone tell me what is going on in his mind? And what do I do at this point? Should I continue doing plan A? Or should I mail him a plan B letter?

Did I screw up big time?

<small>[ October 31, 2004, 07:34 AM: Message edited by: svb1 ]</small>

svb, I don't think you screwed up at all. I suspect he is just dragging it out and has no intention - right now - of working on your marriage. I still think it is a good idea to give him a Plan B letter.

In it, you should tell him that you have decided to end contact and that means he shouldn't come home on weekends. If he doesn't respect that, then I would be prepared to change the locks. You can't be expected to vacate your home on the weekends.

Can you email him the Plan B letter?

No, I can't e-mail it to him. The best I can do is put it in the mail first thing tomorrow.

I suppose I'll do that.

Svb1 -

Looks like we have a few ready to go into Plan B.

I like the way Cymanca puts it, you done the talk now walk the walk!

You can do this and you know why?????

Because you are a MB'r! GOOOOOO Sbv Go!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks Weaver.

I do really need to stick to plan B.

This is REALLY tougher than I thought.

I guess I'm terrified that I'll lose him forever.
Even though, many times, I think I'm better off without him, I really don't want to lose him.

Your not going to lose him. But you must be tough on this, you have nothing if he doesn't respect you and your marriage.

Set him free through your Plan B, then he will be free to come back fully and completely.

Read Dobson's Love Must Be Tough if you haven't already. It really helped me when I ended contact with my ex. The first three weeks of NC were hard for me because my mind wouldn't stay quiet. However after that it became really nice. A certain peace has set in, and it feels so good. My ex just wrote me an 8 page letter telling me how sorry he is, etc. But I'm still not reading anything from him that tells me there has been signifant growth on his part, so I will not see him. I won't take his calls because I found they upset and confused me.

You can do this and this will not cause you to lose him, sitting by and enabling his waffling will do more damage to your marriage than Plan B.

Weaver

You're right, Weaver.

Love Must Be Tough is the book that my brother recommended to me. I did read it. It is what led me to talk to my H in the first place.

It's just that it's tough being tough.

I'm going to skim through the book again. I guess I'll have to look at it again and again.

I don't know what I'd do without you guys.
You are helping me to do the right thing and stay my course.
Thanks

<small>[ September 20, 2004, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: svb1 ]</small>

Svb,

I have been reading your thread and I want to send a message of support. I understand your fears I had them too. I did a great Plan A for about six months, but I could feel my love slipping away. I went to Plan B, but I really prepared for it. I printed out a calendar and then did research on things I wanted to do. I had something for just about every day for a month. They ranged from small things like having my hair done to big things like a mini-vacation for me. The only times I missed WH was when I had nothing to do. Being busy helped me to stay dark. And there were days I forced myself to stick with the plans....some days I just wanted to go home and mope.

WH gave me all the same lines about being undecided and wanting to be alone. I felt good when I set him free. The best part was it gave me time to heal and as Ark would put it not be part of the chaos anymore. It helped to prepare me when WH wanted to come back which was after about two weeks. My story is on Plan B update: WH coming home and going to MB weekend. Pretty wierd, huh?

Anyway, hang in there...plan somethings that you like to do and stay dark..stay strong. The breather will be very welcomed. Good luck and God bless.

<small>[ September 20, 2004, 05:55 PM: Message edited by: SureSurvivor ]</small>