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#1185915 09/20/04 11:27 PM
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I say this to my H and he acts like I'm nuts! (I've told him I wanted to move on and I think he should) lol I know I'm not anyway. I tell him this and he starts saying that I need to go to counceling and stuff. Maybe I do, but I'm also stuck in that realization that I will never be TRUELLY happy with him. I want to move on. He thinks that since he wants to work on the marriage, and is a way better person then before that I should be happy or something. But I'm not. He also isn't enthusiatically trying to help us to repair, and if he is truelly sorry and truelly wants us to be together, then he should work his hardest to fix the damage he caused. Not that I wouldn't, but if I'm going to be with him then I expect that he would do things without me pushing him.

#1185916 09/21/04 09:17 AM
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SS, I just read the post that you referred to. It is very inspirational to me. I am very happy that plan B has worked for you.

I would LOVE to be able to attend the MB seminar this weekend, especially since we are already in the Philly area. Oh well, I guess it's not meant to be, yet.

I like your idea of the calendar. I do plan on keeping busy. I signed up for a fitness class. I plan on going to the gym regularly. This is part of my journey of making myself a better person, inside and out. I need to schedule more activities.

Thanks for your support.

Smurfgirl, are you guys currently in counseling? Is he willing to go to MC?

#1185917 09/21/04 10:06 AM
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Do you have kids? What do you do with them?

#1185918 09/21/04 10:10 AM
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We were then our family got sick for awhile in spring then school got out and I had no one to watch my son so I could go. Now that school started I feel as though I shouldn't have to be the one AGAIN to make all appts and everything. I see no initiative in him and it makes me think he is not commited. I understand that he has ADHD (he doesn't use this as an excuse though) but I have ADD and I can still take priority enough to make appts and say join this site, or read or something. I have to shove everything in his face to get him to do it. It makes me feel as though we aren't that important to him.

#1185919 09/21/04 10:25 AM
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Hi,

Sounds like maybe he might want it to work. I am not sure what to say. Sounds like you still love him. I feel for you. I am going through similar stuff. I think I need the tough love book too.

<small>[ September 21, 2004, 11:38 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

#1185920 09/21/04 10:58 AM
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I'm sorry, I made a post about this but no one has written back, is there a place on this site that I can read up on what is plan a and b?

#1185921 09/21/04 10:59 AM
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I'm sorry, I made a post about this but no one has written back, is there a place on this site that I can read up on what is plan a and b?

#1185922 09/21/04 11:08 PM
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Lostnhurt, we do not have any children. So, thankfully, our situation will be a little easier than for those who have children and are in plan B.

Smurfgirl, at this point I would give my right arm to get my H to want to go to marriage counseling - even if I had to make the appointments myself. If you really want your marriage to work you might consider making the appointments. Then you could possibly bring up the issue in couseling of him not be committed to making things work. Also, at least you will know that you have done everything that you could to work on your marriage and have no regrets. If he tells you that he doesn't want to go to MC, well, that's a different story.

Just my 2 cents (I've always wanted to say that.)

Genia, I really hope that you're right that he might want to make things work. I guess I will find out sooner or later.

BTW, I do really recommend Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson.

#1185923 09/21/04 11:17 PM
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Smurfgirl, if you go to the home page of this website and click on "articles," it is listed there. Just scroll down until you see the article, "what are plan A and plan B?"

<small>[ September 21, 2004, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: svb1 ]</small>

#1185924 09/21/04 11:24 PM
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Plan A and Plan B are in "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley.

Read the links below for a bit about them.

#1185925 09/21/04 01:49 PM
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Ok, the letter is in the mail. It's a little later than I wanted, but at least he will get it before this weekend.

Should I answers his calls until I know that he's received the letter? Or should I go dark beforehand? I can pretend to be out.

Any thoughts?

<small>[ September 21, 2004, 02:49 PM: Message edited by: svb1 ]</small>

#1185926 09/21/04 03:19 PM
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Did anyone review the Plan B letter before you sent it?
Would you post it here?

#1185927 09/21/04 06:30 PM
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Just a good friend/co-worker of mine who is well aware of my situation and of the MB concepts. She is currently reading my copy of His Needs Her Needs.

I can post it here first thing in the morning.

#1185928 09/22/04 07:34 AM
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OK, here is the letter that I sent. It's too late to make any changes, but let me know what you think. I used SureSurvivor's letter along with other plan B letters posted here as guides.

He did call me last night. I felt bad for sending the letter after I talked to him. I still feel that way a little. I won't call him for the rest of the week now and I won't answer his calls either.

Anyway here it is:

Dear H,

This is a very difficult letter for me to write. I have thought a lot about our marriage and where we are going. It is truly sad what has happened to us and to our marriage. I never imagined this would happen to us. When we married I thought it would be forever and never considered that we would be living separate lives one day. The thought that we may not grow old together truly pains me.

I know that you've been unhappy for a long time, for many reasons, some of which you may not even be aware. I know that my behavior in the past has contributed in part to your unhappiness and the emotional distance between us. I've worked very hard these past 6 months to overcome that behavior, not only for you, but for me as well. I wanted to be a better wife, but also a better person. People can change if they're willing to take a long, hard look in the mirror. I think I am doing that and I'm proud of the person I'm becoming.

You know my thoughts and feelings. I love you and have ALWAYS loved you with my heart, my mind and my body. I want to be with you and work on making our marriage the best ever. I am ready, not just to live together, but to devote wholeheartedly to our marriage. I commit to you and our marriage, but it takes two of us. I know that when we try together we are a great team. I know that we can learn from our mistakes and grow from them. With effort and desire, we can rebuild our love. I believe we can have a marriage based on trust and honesty where we both feel safe sharing our innermost thoughts, feelings, fears and dreams. I believe we can have a happy, loving, fulfilling marriage.

I apologize to you for my part in the breakdown of our marriage. I made you feel that other things were more important than you—that is the furthest from the truth. You are the most important, special person to me above all else. I often put my feelings first. I am sorry for hurting you—by neglecting you and your feelings. For instance, I did not respect your desire to want to spend time with friends. I never understood how important this was to you. I was closed-minded and had a difficult time understanding that not everyone thinks like I do or wants everything that I do, even my husband. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I have made in the past and create a NEW life for us that will meet your needs. You have noticed the changes in me and see that I am trying. I want to continue to grow as a person and as your partner.

I look back through our life for fourteen years and choose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I am trying to forgive whatever pain you have caused me and hope that in time you will forgive me too. I hope with all of my heart that we can both put aside our bad feelings and frustrations and see the good and the hope.

As much as I want to work on our marriage, and spend our lives together, you have made it pretty clear that you don't, and as long as you feel this way, I cannot be a part of your life. I've suffered tremendous pain from seeing our marriage fall apart. The past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. It has been even worse than losing my father. The pain and emptiness that I experience every day is almost too much to bear. I can’t go on “pretending” that everything is OK when the most important person in my life no longer loves or wants me. It is destroying me and my love for you. I ask you to please not come home for the weekends or call me. It would be too painful and confusing for me. Use this time to think about what you really want. I sincerely hope that you find what you are searching for in life, whether it includes me or not. If you choose to come back and work on our marriage, I want to know that you made the decision on your own.

As soon as you are willing to discuss a plan to work on our marriage, then I will be willing to talk about our future. Otherwise, if you need to contact me for any emergency, please leave me a voicemail at home or at work.

I want to be able to rebuild our marriage into a new life where we meet each other's emotional needs and do everything that makes BOTH of us happy. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me, and I want you to be my best friend, my lover and my husband.

I love you with all my heart,

#1185929 09/22/04 11:34 PM
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I guess I can try again. As I said though we went to mc before but he just never showed any extra effort, I think I should be treated and cared about more then that especially after what he did.

One thing about ADHD is the recurring theme that it seems as though they just don't care. I'm hoping when he gets on meds it clears this and proves to be his disorder rather then his feelings for us.

I hope plan B works for you. u will be in my prayers, best of luck.

#1185930 09/22/04 09:42 PM
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You asked if you should take his calls -

What would feel the best to you?
How do you want to do it?

How are you doing now, after having written the letter. It is a relief, or do you have a lot of doubt?

Wishing you all the best.

SS

#1185931 09/23/04 04:37 AM
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Hi...i dont know all your story but your posting caught my attention...is there an OW involve?

You WH sound just like mine...you have do a bit of tip toeing if you want to win this game. It is like a cat and mouse game.

Plan B is to cut WH out and complete darkness. I dont think your WH is the type that can take a total darkness...especially the way you describe his reaction...definately sound like mine. I tried that total darkness and it did not make any difference to WH but it did help ME.

What i suggest you do is implementing tough love...tough but loving at the same time. The method of tough love is slightly different from plan B...this is my opinion. Sort of a semi plan B...but you must be very very strong emotionally to do this correctly...if you keep doing it wrong then it is best you do a complete darkness aka plan B.

I will give you an example...when he calls you..DO NOT TALK MUCH AND DO NOT FORCE THE ISSUE ABOUT WORKING ON MARRIAGE...if he asked you out...GENTLY TELL HIM THAT YOU HAVE PLANS THAT DAY AND SUGGEST ANOTHER DAY...do not simply jump up and run out with him just because he offer to go out with you or to help you...make him beg but in a nice sort of way...be flirty if you have to...act cheerful...most important and at the same time...work on yourself.

Stop asking him about the marriage...let him ask first and if he does...act like you dont care and proceed to avoid the subject...let him insist on it.

It is not easy...but you sound strong enough to do it...

I realise that Plan B do not work on all WS...but nevertheless...it DEFINATELY works on all BS.

#1185932 09/23/04 12:48 PM
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Here’s (sort-of) a quick history of my situation. My H started acting strangely beginning last Oct/Nov. He became mean, cold, distant, no SF, etc. He would say things like, “I’m tired of doing everything for the both of us around here, and I’m going to take care of myself from now on.” ???!!!???? I asked him if he loved me and he would say, “I don’t know.” Every time I tried to talk to him he would tell me to “leave him alone” and he needed his space. This is when I started suspecting an A. I asked him and he denied it. I started to snoop. Towards the end of February, after counting his condoms regularly, I noticed that one was missing. I confronted him and again, he denied everything. After this confrontation, he started to change his behavior again. We resumed SF, he began to talk to me again and spend more time with me. I found MB at this time, in March. I still kept snooping. I started plan A. Then I noticed that he would put 48 miles on his car regularly on some of his days off. When I would ask him what he did on his days off, he would say, “nothing.” Twice I found two empty condom wrappers in the trashcan in his bathroom. I started to use a voice-activated recorder in the house to see if he was bringing someone home on his days off. I never heard this happen, but I discovered that he was calling his favorite sister and her daughter to confide in them about our relationship. He has been telling them that our marriage is over and that he is trying to get transferred to Europe for work and go alone. It has always been our plan to go together. He told them that he would lead me and his employer to believe that we would be going together so that he could get more pay and better housing while he was there. Then he would go by himself.

Although his behavior towards me has been better, I still feel that he is disconnected. He keeps secrets from me – like his trips on his days off (every other week now) and his plans and hopes for the future. He does not want to fill out any questionnaires or go to MC. I think he is just stringing me along until he decides what he wants to do in his life and gets what he wants (a promotion and/or transfer to Europe.)

I just can’t tell if he is really decided that it is over, or if he is just confused. He just turned 40 last year and I wonder if he is going through some sort of mid-life crisis. He is not fully happy at work, either. He has only been staying so far in the hopes that he could get transferred overseas, but (from what he tells his family) it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.

It was just crushing to me to find that, after doing plan A for about 6 months, he’s still doing these things and planning on leaving me. Thus my decision to go to plan B. It just seems like perfect timing since he has this temporary position (6 weeks) at work. I really feel like I need to protect myself.

So, in the end, I don’t really know for sure if he has an OW, or not. If so, I don’t think that he’s very emotionally attached, but who knows.

#1185933 09/23/04 01:03 PM
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still seeking,

Once I sent the letter, my initial feeling was of relief. I do have my moments of doubt, though - especially after he called me on Tuesday night.

He did not call me last night, nor did I call him. I figure he will get the letter either tonight or tomorrow, so I will not answer his calls anymore.

Tho' I have my moments of doubt, I think it is best that I stick to this plan B. Who knows, I could be screwing up royally by doing this. Maybe this plan B letter will help make up his mind to leave me forever. I am also afraid that he will come home this weekend anyway. He doesn't have any respect for me. If he comes home on Saturday, I will make sure to leave. I can't change the locks since we rent.

zizzycool,

Are you saying that you think that my H will or will not be able to handle me going dark?

Your version of plan B sounds a little like the divorce busting 180 plan.

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 02:08 PM: Message edited by: svb1 ]</small>

#1185934 09/23/04 01:09 PM
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I liked your letter, it has a lot of *you* in it.

One of the things that the WS has the most problem with is the terms for reconcillation. The letters usually tell them we are willing if they want to work on the marriage, but I have noticed over the time I have spent here that they often don't understand this part very well.

If he does have questions, you may want to answer them before going completly dark. Depends on how well you are doing, as much as anything.

Perhaps you have already spelled out what you need (honesty, counseling, desire on his part shown by his actions, etc.) If so he probably understands.

I think you did a good job in the letter, I applaud your efforts, and I hope you find the happiness you are looking for.

You have come a long way since you first posted on MB. I know sometimes the hurt is still there, but you look lots better these days. It's hard to offer real support over the fiber optics line, but we help as much as we can. Please know we care.

I do admire your courage, it is not easy to make these kinds of decisions. Remember that you are not alone - you have lots of friends.

God be with you.

SS

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