Thanks, SS. That means a lot to me. I do feel better, overall, and I owe it all to MB and the people on this board.

I really hope I've made it clear what I need from him. I think I did. We'll see.

My H didn't call me again tonight. I think he might have received the letter today. The reality of what I did is starting to sink in. I'm getting a little scared. Oh I hope I didn't just ruin any of my chances with him.

Oh well. I did everything I could. I followed the plans. I did do a good plan A. And now I set him free. If he doesn't want to come back to me and work things out, then I guess it's not meant to be. I'll recover and have an awesome life anyway.

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 10:36 PM: Message edited by: svb1 ]</small>

That's the spirit, sis!

I agree with SS - I've seen lots of people in plan B whose WS didn't get it, and just thought the BS was angry and giving them the silent treatment.

Oh I hope I didn't just ruin any of my chances with him.

My worry about plan B is the same. I'm going to rewrite my letter. Some things about it I like, but it just feels too form-letter-y. Anyway, if I'm going to do a proper (i.e. strict) plan B, then I have to consider it very possibly the last act of my M. After that, it's out of my hands, and if it ends, I have to feel I've done my best.

Letting go of your attachment is hard, but it is also freeing. Plan B is fascinating for its contradictions. The only way to get yourself back is to let go, and it might also be the only way to get your WH back. If you take it far enough, the getting your WH back part is almost gravy. Ask thefurnitureman.

Yeah, I don't really believe that part yet, but I'll be in plan B soon myself. We can commiserate. Keep this thread as your plan B journal. It will be good to see your progress all in one place.

GC

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 10:59 PM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

I'll recover and have an awesome life anyway.

Yes you will! ...& ditto all the others.


Weaver

I've been reading you.. just lurking around a bit... way to go!!!!!.. you've come from a long way.. and guess what??? Things can only get better from here.

Big hugs...

GC,

I read your plan B letter. It doesn't sound form-letter-y at all. I feel that YOUR plan B letter puts MY plan B letter to shame! I do know what you mean, though. I felt the same way about mine after I wrote it. I did take a lot from other plan B letters posted here. I just added some of my own comments and tried to make it sound more like me. I think maybe we feel that way because we've seen so many plan B letters and they are all done from the same basic formula. I feel pretty safe in that my H has not seen a plan B letter before. I just hope that he really gets the message, that's all.

I wish you the best of luck once you're in plan b. And you know what? Plan B is "so crazy that it just may work."

Thanks Weaver and Harudah for your support.
Harudah, I've been reading your posts, too. I'm a little worried about you! You're not following any plans! Keep updating us here please.

You know, I had a thought. A fantasy, if you will.

I guess I am supposed to be focusing on myself and my future now. Well, I've started looking into a new job - one that will take me back to my hometown, or anywhere away from here.

I found one organization that has a location in Germany. They are filling positions there. Wouldn't it be something if things don't work out with my H and I get a job in Europe, and he doesn't? It doesn't look like his transfer will work out - and he desperately wants to go. Wouldn't that be a kick in the head? I'd send him postcards all the time to rub it in. Well, actually I wouldn't - I'm not that vindictive. But I can fantasize, can't I?

I'm going to apply.

Right now I'm feeling bummed.

I haven't talked to H since Tuesday. I don't think he's coming home this weekend. Part of me is relieved, but a big part of me is hoping that he walks through the door and tells me that he wants to work on our M.

I miss him. I can't help it. I wonder if he is sad and misses me too? Naw, he's probably happy and livin it up. He's happy, I'm sure, to be able to live the single life again. If he doesn't have an OW, he's probably going to go out to find one tonight.

I was a little angry with him this morning. I woke up with a pretty bad headache and I realized that he took the ENTIRE bottle of Advil with him. That really made me cranky. He could have left me a few. He just doesn't care.

I've been trying to stay occupied. I went out last night a bought a mini-aquarium. I set it up and am letting it run for a day or so. I think tomorrow I'll go out and buy my little fishies.

I've been cleaning like crazy, too.

Yeah, I know, my life is so exciting.

I am so sorry you are down, svb, but it is perfectly understandable. He is probably missing you twice as bad since he doesn't have the security of his home. Hopefully, this will wake him up.

Thanks, ML. I hope this wakes him up, too.

Dont worry about me SB... I'm doing fine these days.. not crying, drinking, just moving on with my life. It's so much easier to deal with right now. I'm cool calm and collected. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Anyways I'm on the "Harudah Plan" which is more a personality Plan hehe, but I'll be alright. I'm just a little sadden by the fact your H hasn't even tried to contact you with the plan B....he shouldn't but they do usually fight.. but oh well.. its good not to have any expectations from. It might seem hard right now, but from what other plan Bers told me, it gets easier and eventually you'll feel better.

Lots of hugs*

Hi Harudah,

I am glad you are doing fine. How does your H feel about your new plan? Doesn't it hurt you/him to still be living together?

Well, I have a dilemma. I just got home from work and my H left me a message. He called at 12:30pm. He said that he's coming home this Saturday to pick up some clothes and wash some clothes. He said around 6:30 - 7pm. He said he'd be home around 2 hours if I want to go somewhere. I am assuming that he meant for me to go somewhere by myself while he is there. However, I am dying to call him back.

I really want to ask him where he is on all of this. But I guess it is pretty apparent that he doesn't want to talk about the relationship, otherwise he'd say something.

I still go back and forth in my mind from hating him to wanting him back desperately.

Oh, can I call him pretty please?
I guess only if I want to lose my self-respect.
But I ache inside so bad right now. I feel like a big part of me is missing!
This is so hard.

Well, I have a dilemma. I just got home from work and my H left me a message. He called at 12:30pm. He said that he's coming home this Saturday to pick up some clothes and wash some clothes. He said around 6:30 - 7pm. He said he'd be home around 2 hours if I want to go somewhere. I am assuming that he meant for me to go somewhere by myself while he is there. However, I am dying to call him back.

From what he said, he is fine with your NC rule. If he is fine with it, it either means that he is a kind, sensitive person who really cares about your feelings, or it means he is fine with it because it is over for him, and there is no use pretending.

Now, if he was kind and sensitive, you wouldn't be doing plan B. So, I think that means HE THINKS he is finished.


I really want to ask him where he is on all of this. But I guess it is pretty apparent that he doesn't want to talk about the relationship, otherwise he'd say something.

You told him you don't want to talk to him unless he want's to work on things, and he isn't trying to talk to you. I think it is pretty apparent. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Now, that doesn't mean it is finished - you are just beginning this. I think it does mean you were right about his feelings, and where he was going every other week to put miles on the car.

I still go back and forth in my mind from hating him to wanting him back desperately.

He has hurt you deeply, so you have hate feelings. You still love him, and you are still loyal to him, or to who he was. This is really good, (in one way, but another way it sucks) becuase it tells us what kind of a person you are. We already knew, from reading all these months, but it confirms that you want to save your marriage if you possibly can. I count that as good. I think this is normal for where you are............and I realize it really hurts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Oh, can I call him pretty please?

You can do anything you want - but you are doing plan B for a reason. I remember you said you were calm, and you knew that doing what you had been doing (Plan A, and trying to get him to talk) were not working. I am not even going to give you advice, because you don't need it. Just examine your deepest feelings, and you will know what to do.


I guess only if I want to lose my self-respect.
But I ache inside so bad right now. I feel like a big part of me is missing!

A big part of you is missing. When we marry, we give up something of ourselves to our sweetheart. We trust them to take care of it for us, to add to it, to help our love and friendship grow. When they betray us, it seems like they break part of who we are. Healing of emotional wounds can take longer than healing of physical ones. You have deep and serious wounds, but not mortal ones. You can, and I believe will recover. I realize it's the getting from here to there that seems impossible, but you believe it too, I know you do.

This is so hard.

We can't help as much as we would like, or as much as you need, but we do what we can. Please know we care about you, and are praying for you.

Remember that it isn't over yet. I won't pretend that this will be easy, or that it can be fun, because it won't be. It is necessarry, and it is your best hope. We're with you.

SS

Also remember, we are more a support group than anything. We are not pro's, and you could always benefit from calling the Harleys for counseling.

<small>[ September 28, 2004, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Let him know that his timeframe is not going to work for you. Tell him to give you a list so you can set his stuff on the porch. As for the washer and dryer, since you are going to be home at that time, he can make other arrangements.

I believe it is time for the Op to step to the plate and wash his clothes or meet the real needs.

JMHO,
L.

I don't know what happened. I posted a reply, but my computer froze and it disappeared. That's never happened to me before.

SS and Orchid, thanks for the replies. I was hoping/needing to get some replies tonight.

I haven't called H. When I heard his message, I just felt such disappointment and desperation and panic that I was willing to throw everything I had done up to now out the window and call him. I haven't had such intense feelings for a while now (still on ADs). I can't remember the last time I cried. Even now, I want to cry, but I can't.

SS, you say that you think that in his mind HE THINKS he's done. Yeah, that's what I think, too, and it's what I was afraid of. He definitely doesn't want me or love me. Talk about killing your self-esteem.

Orchid, I wish I could say those things to him, but I can't. At least not yet, anyway. I might get to that point sometime, though. We never really established the OP thing. I didn't even mention it in my plan B letter.

I have these questions that keep running through my head. Maybe my H was considering working on our M, but my plan B letter convinced him not to? Maybe it convinced him that it would be better for us to lead separate lives? Maybe he didn't understand what I meant in the letter? I don't know, I thought it was pretty clear.

Well, I could ramble on forever.

Thanks again for being there for me. You guys really do help me to stay on the right track.

<small>[ September 28, 2004, 08:43 PM: Message edited by: svb1 ]</small>

girl! How are you? I know the pressure is on, but you have to keep up what you already made or all this would be for nothing. Has he ever said anything after what you told him? Did he ever say that he wish to have a better marriage with you? NO...he didn't... So I don't think he had that intention. See you could have let it just be the way it was with you suffering, wanting him all the time near, wanting his love, or you can try to make a good relationship...which by his actions right now is not showing any will to have this. He wanted to hold on to something that he was comfortable with. I know what its like to live an unhappy man... when the time to let go ...its time.

You have so much strenght so far to have done what you did because it was first instinct what really felt right because you couldn't anymore!!!! We all have our limits.. we cannot love our spouse unconditionally we need the two to tangle stuff.. so I said do not doubt your decision, I think you did the right thing. and that way you can move on with your life. You have more guts than I do. hehehe probably cuz my H is whinner and he cries when I want to pack up.. Your H is a hardass!!! so see what happends.. either when he comes back to you...you''ll be in a good marriage or you can have the strenght to move on...

Don't worry so much... do what I do.. I meditate when things start to get too confusing for me.. get my G1 everyday...... and that so important to me now.

Big HUGS from Brussels*******

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by svb1:
<strong>

I have these questions that keep running through my head. Maybe my H was considering working on our M, but my plan B letter convinced him not to?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">svb, if he was planning on working on your marriage, then your Plan B letter simply opened the door for that. It invited him home and gave him a clear path back. So don't scare yourself with what-if's, he knows exactly what he has to do. Now its up to you to demonstrate that you mean it by sticking to your word in the letter.

svb, the only leverage you have in this entire situation is your adherence to Plan B. Because it is the one thing that might motivate him if it is possible to motivate him. If you contact him and ask him all the questions you want to ask him, then you will have tossed away the only tool that you have in your arsenal.

I would agree with Orchid that he can do his laundry elsewhere. He has decided to exit the marriage so he will have to find a new place to do his laundry. I would leave him a polite voice mail telling him that you will leave his clothes for him on the porch but that you would appreciate it if he would find a laundromat.

I think you are doing great, svb, just remember that Plan B is not supposed to be easy, but it does get much easier as time goes on. Keep coming here and talking to us when it gets tough.

I just got home from work and my H left me a message.


I rec'd a message about three weeks after I started my own NC with my ex fiance and it threw me into such a state of dispair that I turned off the answering machine. The only time I turned it on was when my DD was at her dad's in case of emergency. You might want to do this for awhile until you know that you can handle hearing his messages.

After about six weeks he started writing letters, which were easier for me to handle.

Thanks, guys.

I really need to be beaten over the head with this plan B stuff - over and over again.

I know it's the right thing to do, but then these doubts keep creeping into my mind. (sorry ML- here comes another what-if. I can't help it!) My current one is ... maybe it would have been enough for my H to be away during the week and then come home for the weekends? Maybe it would have been enough time for him during the weeks to miss me and think about our relationship. I could have kept up plan A really well over the weekends. He HAD been wanting to spend time with me (dinner, cuddling, etc.) I could have made sure that he would come home to a perfectly kept place and we would have a blast. Then he would REALLY look forward to coming home and being with me.

However, now that I've sent the letter, it's too late. I don't think I can go back on my plan now.

Harudah, you made the comment, "probably cuz my H is whiner and he cries when I want to pack up.. " I think this is because your H still does really love you. I think you still have a chance. But if you have lost your love for him and want to move on without him, that's your decision and I totally understand it. In my case, my H just doesn't care about me anymore. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

ML, regarding his laundry, I don't mind letting him do it this time. I think his main purpose for coming home is to pick up more clothes. I think I can let him do this and then I don't think he will be back. They do have washers and dryers at the hotel. I plan to not be home when he comes over.

I am wondering a little bit about how I should prepare for his visit - even though I won't be there. I guess I will make sure that the place is spotless. He will definitely see my new little aquarium and fish. Should I "accidentally" leave the job postings I've applied for on our desk? And other clues that my life is continuing without him? Just wondering. Or should I just leave him wondering what I am doing? I just don't want him to have the impression that I am depressed and moping around without him. A clean house and new aquarium might be enough.

Weaver, I think I might shut off my answering machine for a while. I kind of doubt he will call me anymore anyway. At least for a while.

Please feel free to remind me again and again and again to stick with plan B. I am struggling.

I am going to a baseball game with some friends tonight, though!

OK, I am feeling a little sick and shaky right now.

I just got home -- just as my husband was in the car and getting ready to go. I wasn't sure if I should have just turned the car around and left. I didn't. I parked and got out of the car and walked past him (he was about 50 ft away - I'm sure he saw me) in the parking lot to our townhouse. I didn't even look his way. After I walked past him, he pulled out and left.

It's all over folks. I don't think there's going to be any reconciliation here.

... and one of my goldfish died today. Now you know why we never had kids!

BTW, I did have our house spotless. I didn't leave out any hints that I'm looking for a job or planning on moving on. Also, we got our new credit cards in the mail today. Our old ones were about to expire. I took mine and left his on the desk, along with some of his mail. He took the mail, but left the credit card.

I feel awful.

ok, svb, just calm down, you will be fine. He probably feels much worse than you. I would wager that he is wondering what in the hell he has done about now. At least you have a home, he doesn't. I know this is hard, but it is intended to do 2 things: enable you to detach from him and hence the emotional pain and [possibly] motivate him to work on his marriage.

See, this is one of the main reasons that the Harleys recommend no contact in Plan B, it is just so hard to see the WS again.

svb, don't torture yourself by imagining the absolute worst. You don't know what he is thinking and he very likely could be just as sad as you. Hang in there, ok?