svb1,

I've been looking for you from time to time - to see what news you have from your GPS.

Reading over your thread, I just wanted to say that (don't take this personally), you are just the sort of woman I would be looking for if I were D'ed. I say that, just to say that there are going to be lots of guys interested in you when the time comes - and if you don't want to be alone, you won't be - and if you want to have kids you can probably find a good man who wants that too.

I don't know if there is any hope for your marriage right now, but it's good to see that you don't seem very afraid of the future - you don't seem particularly depressed (as your H claims that you are).

I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I'm not fishing in the MB pond for post-D mermaids. I just wanted to put in an encouraging word.

Now, about that GPS. I'm burning with curiosity. Don't you even want to know anymore? Sometimes, the hunt is fun even if you don't really care to bag the animal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> You're done with your H, but don't you want to hunt him down in his secret haunts just for the pure sport of it?

Where's that H of yours going anyway? What's he doing there? Who is he really anyway?

I'm curious.

-AD

JLS,

Can't talk long, my H is coming to dinner, we separated last weekend.

I know... I've been reading your thread. I'm really happy to see that you've got some MB powerhouses giving you some great advice.

How did the dinner go, BTW? Did you knock his socks off?
I hope it went well.

I wrote you a long response last time you posted and it is in internet lalaland!!

I've got a couple out there, too.

Hi AD,

Thank you for your post of encouragement. Don't worry, I haven't taken it the wrong way! I understand what you are saying. It has given me some more hope about my future. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BTW, when I spoke in a previous post of mine about some of the fellows on MB that give me hope (by being good men and really caring about their marriages - just KNOWING that they exist), you were one of the ones that I had in mind. I considered naming names, but I was afraid of leaving people out, so I didn't name any. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Your W is lucky to have you. I wish that she would just wake up and realize it.

I have been following your thread with interest. You are the only person on MB (that I am aware of) that has M someone from another country and is going through the whole citizenship process. (We are way past that now, but still...) And as for helping your W with her classes and getting much less than appreciation? Yeah, I've been there, too.

Just know that more people read your thread than you think and support you silently. You are not alone. I wish you the best.

As for the GPS device, you cracked me up when you said this, "Sometimes, the hunt is fun even if you don't really care to bag the animal."

My GPS device, unfortunately, is still in H's car which is STILL in the repair shop. We're going on a month now (and almost up to $6K in repairs)! The batteries are long dead, I'm sure. So I couldn't use the GPS device at this moment, even if I wanted to.

If I don't get this job in Chicago (I haven't heard anything yet and I'm getting doubtful) I might still use the GPS for a while -- and maybe take off a day or two to see if I can find out where he goes. I'm still curious, too. Of course, if I DO get the job, I will most likely be gone in the blink of an eye and won't have time for any more hunting!

SS,

I need more time to get back to you. You've really got me thinking. Where is the smiley face with the smoke coming out of its ears? I need to add it here.

svb

Wow! I hope your bill doesn't run up too much more.


You might be surprised. I think I have the same unit and have gotten something like 25 days of use on a set of batteries - and that is with the car being driven. There is a motion detector which shuts off the power completely when the device is not moved for more than a few minutes.

You sure are moving on quickly! I'm dragging my feet.

-AD

AD,

I don't think the costs will run much more. I hope not. It will be covered by insurance anyway. H's car is a 2002 SUV. It has front and back end damage.

Also, it doesn't look like I'll be getting that job in Chicago. They said I'd hear something by the end of this week, and I haven't heard anything. So I guess I won't be moving on that quickly afterall. I think my big job this weekend will be to work on our D paperwork, and then mail it off on Monday.

SS,

You can always take it, and spend more time looking for something better. Depends on what your goals are. It could take some time to find just what you want. I have no idea what you do.

Like I mentioned above, it looks like I don't have to worry about this anymore.

My choices now are

1. Put in notice at work and move back to Chicago without a job and look for one there.

2. Stay here in PA and continue to work at my current job at least until I'm vested in my pension (end of September) - THEN continue to look for a job in Chicago and move. (and hope that my H finds his own apartment)

Unless there are legal problems, it would be good emotionally for you to be away from H, and close to family. If you forsee legal problems, and him contesting what you want, it would be easier to stay there until it is over.

I don't expect that my H will contest anything.

What are your thoughts as she tells these types of things to you?

Believe it or not, when she tells me these things about him, I feel relieved. I guess it goes back to the idea that it helps me to know that I'm not crazy - that the problem lies more with HIM than with ME. I know that I should already understand this, but it's not so simple.

I would guess you don't complain about him on your own, but she asks questions to draw you out. More about what he DOES, and how he TALKS TO YOU. I would guess you have a hard time saying some of the things. I also think you have lots of little lights going on in your head as she discusses this with you.

She figured out that my H is controlling before I even said a word to her. We started out discussing my anxiety and behaviors of mine that are only caused by feeling a lack of control in my life (according to her). First she asked me about my parents, and THEN she zeroed in on my H.

She does ask me questions about him - about what he does and what he says. She says that his behaviors are CLASSIC. She says that he is very selfish and immature. (Meanwhile, I think in my head, "but wait, I'M selfish and immature - that's what he tells ME!") So I guess you can say, yes, those little lights are going off in my head.

You may have noticed by now that some of the things I have said to you over time, are to re-enforce to you that you do have value as a human being. I wish more than anything that you do understand this.

I have noticed that you have been saying these things to me. A lot of this is all coming together.

I re-read this whole thread today. I've also thought about some of the other posts that I've written here on MB. I look it all over and it seems so clear to me. It must have been so clear to you from the beginning. How could I not realize that he doesn't really care about me - only himself? How could I not REALLY see that he's just been stringing me along?

Are you getting enough support from friends and family?
Enough support that you are OK.

I do feel like I'm getting enough support. Especially from everyone here, too.

Do you feel like you are making personal progress?
That is, progress in understanding, and progress in making this work.

I do. Like I said, it all seems to be coming together. I'm really NOT as bad as my H makes me out to be sometimes.

I've been thinking about something I heard on the Dr. Phil show, too. He said that you should never be in a relationship where the other person makes you feel bad about yourself. If they do, then the cost is too high. After spending time with someone, you should feel BETTER about yourself.

I think I've progressed to the point that I will never go back to where I used to be (with H). My mother has the fear that if my H makes any positive changes or comments in the near future, I will change my mind and go running back to him. I think I'm way past that.

What is most difficult for you right now? (meaning for the next few weeks, not right this minute.)

It's difficult living with H right now. I feel so awkward. It's really a good thing that he's working nights now. I don't even see him 30 minutes a day - it's more like 10.

If this job doesn't come through, which most likely it won't, I'm not sure what my next step should be.

Can you tell me why still seeking takes time to write to you?

Uhhh... You want me to realize that I have value and you want to let me know that people care??? Did I get it right?

I was seriously looking back at your old posts and I was ABOUT to copy and past something that you said here - instead of answering the question by myself. That would be cheating, though, wouldn't it?

It's funny, but sometimes my C will ask me a question and I will be CLUELESS. I just look at her and go ... Uhhhhhhh... what do you mean by that? But of course you were there so I'm sure you already know that.

For instance she asked me, "Did you realize that you're defending your value as a human being?" I said, "I did? I am?" "why do you feel that you have to defend your value?" Then I say, "uuuuuhhhhhh? I don't know." There are other such instances, but I can't think of any right now.

It looks like I've got my work cut out for me. I'm getting better, though.

svb

I'll reply in more depth later - I need to go now.

Can you tell me why still seeking takes time to write to you?

Uhhh... You want me to realize that I have value and you want to let me know that people care??? Did I get it right?

In a way this was a trick question, because there are lots of reasons I post to you. You could have said any one of those reasons and been right - which you did.

What I was really getting at though, is not that I want to help you REALIZE you have value, it is that YOU HAVE VALUE.

You are valueable. You have great worth. Yes, it will help you if you come to know deep down that you are valueable, but I post to you because that value is already there. It is part of you, it is who you are.

You are worth it.

SS

Hi SS,

I thought of one more thing.

My counselor says that I have a difficult time discussing my feelings with her. I can discuss everyone else, but not myself. We didn't get around to discussing it much more - time ran out.

I think I just figured this out. I think I'm afraid to discuss my feelings because I am afraid that I will be WRONG or STUPID. See how the lights are coming on?

It's like you said --- ages ago --- about what my H said about me being cold. I can't be wrong about being cold, right? If I'm cold, I'm cold! Everyone is different. But I guess I'm not allowed to have my own feelings.

I'm just really getting it TONIGHT.

ok, I hear H stirring upstairs. Time to go!

Yes, you are allowed to have your own feeligs.

Also understand that this is a PROCESS. It is not a one time event where you will know everything right now today.

Please don't think you should have known all these things before, we all learn, and there are things you know that I do not.

I can tell you that all your life you will have the light go on, and you will say "Oh, wow, this is neat. I learned something - now I am so much smarter, I've got things figured out now."

It will happen over, and over, and over. We never really arrive (when it comes to knowledge) but we continue to grow and mature.

Your mother and brother watched this happen to you. That is why they wanted you to leave right away. They wanted you to be free.

Don't be afraid of living your life. You have great ability, and you will be successful. As AD said, when you want to find someone, you will find them.

Now, day to day is still a lot of work, but the joy will come.

Smile - it's good for your face.

SS

Well, my initial D paperwork is almost done. I only have to have it signed and notarized, and then I can send it in with the filing fee.

H and I discussed our financial situation. I laid out my plans for dividing everything and we are in agreement. No surprise here.

I found out that we have to wait at least 90 days for a D in Pennsylvania - not 30 days as I originally read somewhere.

As for my options on what to do from here, I think I have opted for #2 listed above. (Stay here in PA and continue to work at my current job at least until I'm vested in my pension (end of September) - THEN continue to look for a job in Chicago and move. (and hope that my H finds his own apartment). Since a D takes at least 3 months, and I have only 5 till I'm vested, I might as well stay.

H hasn't mentioned any plans to me about his future. I don't know what his chances are in getting these jobs that he's applied for. I don't know if he's planning on getting another place to live. I'd rather him find another apartment instead of me at this point. I'm the one that found this townhouse and everything is in my name - phone, cable, electricity, etc. H always left me to set up everything. (then he would get upset that the bills don't come in his name.)

So right now we are living sort of as roommates. I don't know what we are. We still share a joint checking account -until our direct deposits from work start going into our separate checking accts. Until then, I'm still paying everything from the joint acct- then we will split everything 50/50. I wish him the best of luck in balancing his checkbook in the future. He doesn't have the patience for it, and he's not very good at it. (he knows it himself - that's why he "lets" me do it.) Oh well, I guess it's not my problem anymore. He's the one that wants to be free -- he's going to have to live with all of the consequences.

I guess, ultimately, that nothing has really changed. I think he might be staying until he knows what is going on with his job. He always gets everything that he wants.

How fair is all of this? He's the one that really wanted to be free - but he never told me to my face how he felt. I'm the one that always had to bring up the difficult discussions. Now I am the one that has to do all the D paperwork, too.

I know that this is really probably the best for me, too, (a D) at this point, but still, it makes me cranky that I always have to do everything.

OT --

My fish aren't getting along.

I've had my 2 new fish for about a month now, and never had any problems. Now, since last night, the 2 new fish keep chasing Lenny around. They're being bullies. Poor Lenny. He's a little bigger than the other fish, too. I guess he's a lover and not a fighter.

H called me at work today to say that he took the new fish out of the 10 gal tank and put them in the 1 gal tank. (He didn't think it was fair that Lenny go in the little tank - he's not causing any problems)

H said he wants to teach the new fish a lesson. Can you teach fish a lesson?

And since when do goldfish not get along? Aren't they the most peaceful fish around?

Does anyone know anything about goldfish? I might go to the pet store and buy one of those tank dividers. I think they have tank dividers.

There is something else that I've been thinking about.

I am going to completely focus on myself now. I think I am going to join Weight Watchers (at least on-line) and I am going to officially join a gym - especially if I'm going to be staying in this state a while longer. I know we have a little gym in our apt. complex, but I want to go somewhere where they have a pool - for water aerobics and lap swimming, too. I might try yoga, too. H didn't like the idea of me joining a gym, but I don't care what he thinks anymore.

I might take another class this summer, too - maybe a nutrition class.

I think I might do as much sightseeing as I can this spring/summer, too, before I leave the east coast.

I started to re-discover myself in plan B, and I think I am going to continue to do that. I can't worry about what H thinks anymore. He doesn't want to be a part of my life, anyway. It's his loss.

OK, just when I completely put that interview OUT of my mind and made NEW plans. (just discussed in DETAIL)

I was offered the position in Chicago.

Substantial pay cut, though.

Now what??? argh!

Let me think

positives ---
be away from H nearly immediately
job is in Chicago - near family
good benefits
foot in the door - can move up in the org. later
can move right away and look for another job in the area
somebody wants me!

negatives
will have to come back to PA in 3 months to go to court
for D
MUCH less pay (nearly 20,000 a year less!)
won't have much time to move
will be vested in 401k in current job, but won't be
vested in pension - will lose it if I leave now.

Opinions anyone? (ss, on the job/M situation- not what kind of food you like!)

thanks,
svb

S,
This is one where I don't think I can help much.

Well maybe a little.

I'm going to flip a coin..........
Heads, you stay,
Tails you go to Chicago.

SS flips........he catches, and looks at it (its a quarter BTW) It is ..........

Now, you tell me what you want to see in my hand - heads, or tails?

SS

If you're anything like me, the security means a great deal to me...hard to make a jump like that. Take the vestiture out of the equation...unless you are anywhere close to retirement age, the pension shouldn't factor in...not that you shouldn't think about retirement, but that ANYTHING could happen to the company before the pension is paid out (bankruptcy, bought out, etc.) so the pension may not be a factor...does that change your thinking?

SS,

I don't know what side of the coin I want to see in your hand. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

SHMI,

I understand what you're saying about the pension. I'll take it out. The new org. has a better retirement plan anyway (for now).

The substantial pay cut bothers me. Not that money is everything -- I would be happy as long as I have enough to support myself and a little more for saving -- but it's a huge pay cut. I wonder if I can talk to them about raising the offer. I've never done that before.

How does it hurt to ask them about a pay raise? Ask away, and see what they say.


The coin thing works well with a real coin, in person. I have never had anyone fail to call it in the air, and it always tells what their wishes are. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I guess it does not work well across fiber optic lines.

How soon do you need to give them an answer?

Now, just for the record, I know nothing about fish. For sure they can't bother Lenny if they aren't in the same tank though. Maybe you can take Lenny, and leave the mean ones with H. (poor attempt at humor) Just leave them in the tub.

It sounds like you have much to do, but it gives you focus. I worry you will get moved, and have a bad crying spell when it all hits.

If IC is helping, that could be a factor in your decision too. It wasn't on your pro/con list.

I think every thing you do for your health - both emotional, and physical will be a good thing. Do you have any hobbies that you can work on in the short term?

Do you sleep well at night these days? Any problem with laying awake thinking?

SS

Hi svb,
Just a quick hello before I take S7 to school.

I really wonder how you're doing? As good as it is to hear you are getting on with it all, I have to guess that you have some really bad moments. You CAN tell us about it if you want, or vent here. You know that, dontcha'?

jls

Well, today I talked to the people offering me the job, and I asked for more money. I have nothing to lose by asking.
I amazed myself by even asking. I am not an assertive person (if you haven't figured out by now.)

The ball is in their court now. I have to wait for them to get back to me.

I'm still unsure about what I should do. If they agree to offer me the salary that I requested, (though still less than I make now) I might just go ahead and take it. I'll have a fresh start very quickly. Though I will make less, I have opportunities to move up in the company. Also, although I make more now, I'm not in my preferred career and my job is not very pleasant.

My main concern now is -- can I file for D in one state and then move out of state? Does that affect anything?

Well, we'll see what they say first about the job.

SS,

The coin thing works well with a real coin, in person. I have never had anyone fail to call it in the air, and it always tells what their wishes are.

I guess it does not work well across fiber optic lines.

Thanks anyway, SS, it was worth a try. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now, just for the record, I know nothing about fish. For sure they can't bother Lenny if they aren't in the same tank though. Maybe you can take Lenny, and leave the mean ones with H. (poor attempt at humor) Just leave them in the tub.

Actually, I thought this was really funny. The fish can nip H in HIS behind. The fish are actually back in the big tank. I put one in last night, and the other this morning. They get along well now. Maybe H taught the fish a lesson afterall. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

BTW, you asked me once if I saw Finding Nemo. I did. I love that movie. I hope they do a Finding Nemo part 2, though. I have to know what happens to the fish in the bags floating on the water at the end of the movie.

It sounds like you have much to do, but it gives you focus. I worry you will get moved, and have a bad crying spell when it all hits.

I do have a lot to do. All of this is definitely helping to take my mind off of my H and all that has happened. You're right, it might hit me all at once if I get to Chicago and find myself suddenly alone.

I think every thing you do for your health - both emotional, and physical will be a good thing. Do you have any hobbies that you can work on in the short term?

If I take this new job, I won't have time to work on any hobbies. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I don't want to think about all that I'll have to do in the next few weeks.

Do you sleep well at night these days? Any problem with laying awake thinking?

Believe it or not, I am sleeping well, thanks. I think so much during the day, I'm wiped out by night. I've cut down on caffeine, too. I think that helps, too.

jls,

I really wonder how you're doing? As good as it is to hear you are getting on with it all, I have to guess that you have some really bad moments. You CAN tell us about it if you want, or vent here. You know that, dontcha'?

I'm doing ok, jls. I think I was much worse when we first discussed D and decided to D. I'm getting used to the idea now. Things are moving so fast now, I've been really focusing on the future, and not the past. Like SS said, it might hit me later when I'm suddenly on my own and everything slows down.

Honestly, I think YOU are having a more difficult time at this point than I am. For my H and me, our M is over. I think I'm beginning to accept this. Amazingly enough, H's actions don't bother me anymore as they did in the past. It's HIS life now - his actions don't affect ME anymore. I guess I just don't care anymore. It's weird. I don't know if I'm explaining myself well. I'm tired.

Still, I might have moments where I'll need to vent in the future. I promise I will always vent here if I need to (as long as you promise to vent on this board as much as you need, too)

You know I read your threads.

I am back to vent already.

I got turned down for more money. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I don't know what to do now. I was already picturing myself in Chicago and making plans for my future - there.

Now I can't help but feel a little depressed. If I don't take the job, I'll still be stuck here. Financially, I'd be much more comfortable here, and I'd feel more comfortable staying in the apt. while H moves out (I guess it's a trust thing). It would be good to be here until the D is final. BUT... I'm still here. Still stuck. Stuck in the same job. Stuck in the same apt. that is full of memories and stuff that H and I purchased together for our future.

I can either take this job and move on and hope to move up quickly in this new company, or I can finish old business here, save $$$ and plan to leave in the fall after I am able to leave with my pension money as well as my 401k money.

There is also a little part of me that would hate to turn down this job because I just hate to say "no." Is that being silly?

I feel so bummed right now and <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />. Why is it so difficult for me to make decisions?

I'm not going to take the new job.

I lied.

I'm taking the new job.

It's funny, but I made the decision to stay, and I was depressed. Then I changed my mind - and now I'm happy. I'm a little scared, but happy.

I guess it's like your coin trick, SS.

Well, this time it's a done deal. I already sent off my resignation letter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

It's a new start to a new life for me!! Let the healing begin!!!

Oh svb,

I am so GLAD for you! I hope that it works out, but I have a good vibe about it.

i don't know how you were standing it, being there with STBXH, indefinitely. Well, I'm sure tha Sept. seemed forever away, plus then you would still have to find another job in Chicago.

I really think that you made the right decision, of course, what do i know?!

Please let us know when you are going. You will be fairly close to me. You can come and visit the "Zoo", no admission price and free snacks and beverages!

jls