Hi jls,

I don't get my H either.

I would like to believe that my H is conflicted about everything and is having some doubts about whether to end this M or not. More likely, though, he is just happy that it is ending - he IS getting what he wants - and he is still trying to appease me until it is all over. Sometimes I wonder if he even has a heart.

I read an email that his niece sent to him the other day. (I was going to stop doing that, but I couldn't help it.) She told him that she is glad that everything is "falling into place for him." That really upset me. I guess maybe that's why I've tried to stop snooping on him for the truth. Yeah, how nice that it IS falling all into place for him. He doesn't have to do anything, while I feel like I am ripping out my own heart for him.

I really need to stop trying to be close to him. I'm only hurting myself. I REALLY need to let go.

One more week.

1. Yes, I really meant it. It really bothers me when people who are priceless, think they are less than that.

2. Sorry for your illness, but understand why you are happy that the flu is all that is wrong.

3. Yes it does explain
does exlpain
does explain
a lot.

4. Dr Harley is right. When someone holds our hand, spends time with us, and is kind to us, we fall in love. Remember it.

5. You are free to choose what your future will be like. Not everthing, but the general direction, and many events. Rejoice, and be glad, there has never been a time in all the ages of the earth when we have had so many choices.


I would like to believe that my H is conflicted about everything and is having some doubts about whether to end this M or not.

I would too. If he came and told you that, would it be the truth? How would you know?


More likely, though, he is just happy that it is ending - he IS getting what he wants - and he is still trying to appease me until it is all over. Sometimes I wonder if he even has a heart.

Why would he never tell you the truth? How long was he like that? Did it extend to other things, like spending time away from you, and spending money?


I read an email that his niece sent to him the other day. (I was going to stop doing that, but I couldn't help it.) She told him that she is glad that everything is "falling into place for him." That really upset me.

He must have said something when he was home in January?

It would upset anyone.

The big problem, (knowing you) is that you would tend to think "what is wrong with me, that he doesn't want me."
I think it should be "what is wrong with him?" But that's not how your mind works most of the time. Is it?

What is wrong with him? I wish we knew.

Yeah, how nice that it IS falling all into place for him. He doesn't have to do anything, while I feel like I am ripping out my own heart for him.

You are.
That's why I worry.

I really need to stop trying to be close to him. I'm only hurting myself. I REALLY need to let go.

There are a number of factors at play.

1. Your goal to be a wife, and mother is really taking a beating. You have only faith to tell you the future will still work.

2. You love him. That's why you married, and why you worked so hard, and why you stayed so long. Give youself a break, love is a good thing. Just remember, if you spend time, and if someone meets your needs (closeness, and touch are big for you) it's hard not to fall in love. Be careful with your feelings. Be careful with your heart.

3. You have a lot of time invested. Starting over does not look like a good thing.

4. It was comfortable. Getting out of the comfort zone is tough. Especially after #3.

5. You have a family example to follow, and it feels like failure to end your marriage. Even if it's not your fault, it still feels like failure. Note, I said "feels like. I don't believe you have failed - but I believe he has.


One more week.

Praying that your mind will be clear, and your heart will be healed.

SS

I would like to believe that my H is conflicted about everything and is having some doubts about whether to end this M or not.

-- I would too. If he came and told you that, would it be the truth? How would you know?

If he came and told me that (without me asking him), I would want to believe him. I wouldn't know for sure, though.

I'm pretty positive that it's not going to happen.

Why would he never tell you the truth? How long was he like that? Did it extend to other things, like spending time away from you, and spending money?

I've only noticed for the past few years or so. I would say if would be about spending time away from me. Never about spending money, though.

I read an email that his niece sent to him the other day. (I was going to stop doing that, but I couldn't help it.) She told him that she is glad that everything is "falling into place for him." That really upset me.

-- He must have said something when he was home in January?

The email was from the middle of April. I am assuming that he talked with his favorite sister and niece by phone after it was decided that we were going to D.

The big problem, (knowing you) is that you would tend to think "what is wrong with me, that he doesn't want me." I think it should be "what is wrong with him?" But that's not how your mind works most of the time. Is it?

It's funny, but I almost wrote that. Except MY words were going to be, "what is so horrible about me that would make him want to run away and never think twice about coming back." I decided against posting it, though.

Yes, that is how my mind works most of the time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I had a horrible, horrible, horrible night tonight. After I posted earlier, H and I went to change the titles of our cars into one name only on each. It was tough enough because of the finality of it all, but toss in some unfairness, too. Let's just say that I think that I should be getting his SUV, but I'm not. He can keep his stupid precious SUV if he really wants it. I left that place in tears.

We got home and I gave him a piece of my mind about everything. (As I mentioned in my previous post.)

I told him that he's getting exactly what he wants now - a D and his precious SUV. I told him that I never thought that he would be like that. At first he was shocked, "what? I thought that's what we decided."

Then I said that I also never thought that he would behave the way that he did during the last 2 years of our M. That if he were SO unhappy and bored, he should have talked to me about it instead of sneaking around and lying to me, etc. etc. He should have told me that he wanted a D instead of letting me have to figure it out for myself and have to do all of the dirty work myself. I said that it's probably better that I don't keep his SUV because all it would do is remind me of all of the 48 mile round trips that he took into the city. blah blah. THEN I told him that he sucks to the core as a human being. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

He didn't say anything and he just went upstairs into our bedroom and shut the door (I could swear he took his international calling card with him).

I cried throughout the conversation, but I was really balling at that point. I jumped on the computer and signed online. (YES so that he wouldn't call his stupid family).

OK, now you've seen the nasty side of me.

I signed off after only 5 minutes.

I thought I would feel better (as everyone told me) after telling him off -- but I didn't. I felt horrible and guilty.

I went upstairs after a while. He wasn't on the phone, but just lying in the dark. I said that I was sorry for going off like that, but I thought I was getting the SUV. He said, "why didn't you say anything."

AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!

He came downstairs after a while. He made himself some tea and asked if I wanted some, too. Then we watched tv and again, it was as if nothing ever happened.

OK, enough of my rant. Thanks for reading.

I saw your post and was wondering what you doing up so late?!

Now I know. Why didn't you say anything, s? You should stand up for yourself, HE obviously is NOT going to worry about you!

NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING is wrong with you!! Except like SS says, you don't see your own value. You SHOULD tell H how you feel. How you feel is important and he should realize that. It is HIS prob that he is self-oriented.

And it wasn't really about the SUV now was it. The UNFAIRNESS of it ALL!!!!!

One more week, YES. But try to let him know how you feel anyway. 1 more week, but walk away knowing that you told him exactly how it was FOR YOU!

{{{svb}}} -will try to email u later, SORRY, so sorry that you are still hurting.

jls

Hi jls!

You're absolutely right. It wasn't about the SUV at all. I really don't care about the suv at all. It was everything else.

I still feel horrible now, though, about how I handled it all. I told him that he "sucks to the core as a human being" !!! First of all it came out wrong. What I said was a combination of "you suck" and "you are rotten to the core." Besides that, what I should have said was, "what you have done for the past two years sucks." In a sense, I've done to him what he's always done to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> That's what makes me feel so horrible.

I clarified it this morning with him. I told him that I didn't mean to say that - that he doesn't suck as a h.b., but I don't like how he handled everything these past couple of years. I told him that there is still good in him and that (unfortunately) I still love him.

If I tell him anything else for the rest of this week, I'm just going to have to be careful the way that I phrase it.

Maybe I shouldn't care anymore at this point, but I do.

of course you care. You can't jsut turn that off and on at will, or you would never have been here in the 1st place.

Be back later, doing horsy stuff for awhile and have to take nap today, work 2nite.

jls

Tell him a lot this week. What have u got to lose?! MHO - anyway.

Hi Svb1 !!!

First - jls is right, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be here in the first place.




If he came and told me that (without me asking him), I would want to believe him. I wouldn't know for sure, though.

I admit that I have worried about this one. Worried that he would find it useful for some reason to delay, and would play upon your heart strings a little bit longer. Throughout my communication with you, I have prayed for a restoration of your marriage, but that if it was not to be, you would know how to best proceed. I have never wanted it to just be over - until this last week. I still worry.
I worry not because of who, or what you are, of that I fear for your future, but I worry that he may find some further way to take advantage of you while you are still in turmoil. I worry because sometimes good people get shafted, and I want you to heal, not be wounded yet again.

I'm pretty positive that it's not going to happen.

I don't see him changing at this point, though I wish he would. I do fear for his future. I fear he will never really be happy, but neither you nor I can fix that.



I've only noticed for the past few years or so. I would say if would be about spending time away from me. Never about spending money, though.

I am glad you didn't have to worry about that too. It makes me wonder - but I best keep some thing to myself.


The email was from the middle of April. I am assuming that he talked with his favorite sister and niece by phone after it was decided that we were going to D.

I suppose this could just be her wishing him well, but it sounds so bad the way she said it. I am sure he puts spin on his conversations, and they are sorry he has to endure so much. I don't think there is anything you can do about this part of things. Sometimes the truth doesn't come out, and we can't change that.




It's funny, but I almost wrote that. Except MY words were going to be, "what is so horrible about me that would make him want to run away and never think twice about coming back." I decided against posting it, though.

SS smiles.
S still doesn't really understand who she is. Perhaps we can discuss it more below.

Never be afraid to post what you think, or feel. This is your thread, after all.

Yes, that is how my mind works most of the time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Oh shoot, lets talk now. I hope you don't mind my sometimes long posts. This will probably be one of those.

Jesus Christ - his life and ministry.
I am not sure how often you read the scriptures. We try to read daily at our house, because we need all the help we can get. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

We don't have much about his childhood, and we don't have much about yours. It was written of him "And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man."

He was born, and he learned, as do you and I. He didn't know it all right up front. He was tested, as are all of us.

Now, remember, he was rejected by most of the world, and it didn't stop at rejection. There was a mock trial, he was condemned by a group that of them selves, did not have the legal power to put him to death. They tried to turn public opinion against him, they interceded with the Roman governor so as to kill him when there was no legal reason to produce this result.

Remember some of his personal struggles -
Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me, but not my will, but thine be done.

HE sought to save mankind, but was able to save but a few.

If any one person could ask "what is wrong with me, that they don't want me," it would be him. However, he knew his mission, he knew his worth, and he knew that even if he was killed, his work would be finished as well as it could be done, and he would overcome the world.

Now, you and I (all of us) are here. We have our tests, tailored to our strength, and weaknesses. We can't escape the trials any more than he could. It wouldn't be good for us if we could. We are being refined, and purified, and we are learning who we are, and what we are.

I did hold back the tears when you asked about damaged goods. That we are here, that alone means we have a chance.

From John 3
2 Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.

Now, he does not say sons, and daughters, but do you think he is leaving you out?

I know he is not.

I should like to see you in that great day, and I want you to be all that you can be. Even now, the seeds are in you to succeed. (jls, you too, though I know you have doubts.)

So, what is so horrible about you?
That's the wrong way to phrase it -

Mistakes?
Sure, you make them.

Faults?
I have them, why not you too.

Bad feelings?
Every marriage has them at one point or another.

None of these things are grounds to plot to leave your W. None of them.

As you learn more about who you are, and as you make goals to be that person you want to be, those depressing thoughts about not being good enough will be left in the past. Should be, could be, must be.

OK?


I had a horrible, horrible, horrible night tonight. After I posted earlier, H and I went to change the titles of our cars into one name only on each. It was tough enough because of the finality of it all, but toss in some unfairness, too. Let's just say that I think that I should be getting his SUV, but I'm not. He can keep his stupid precious SUV if he really wants it. I left that place in tears.

Agree with jls, you should say what you think. This is a change of habit, it will take time. Part of the problem is that many of us wait until we feel like we are going to explode, and then we unload all at once. Much of the struggle is learning to do it as it happens, expressing our feelings without LB'ing. I am in the middle of this process now, and it is hard. (understatement.)

It helped me to read "Love busters, habits that destroy romantic love." By Harley. I learned how not to do it, so I can see ways that WOULD work too. It takes practice to get from "remaining quiet so as to not rock the boat," to being able to voice concerns without argument or fighting. It can be done.

We got home and I gave him a piece of my mind about everything. (As I mentioned in my previous post.)

jls and I would have loved to see it. We both like fireworks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I told him that he's getting exactly what he wants now - a D and his precious SUV. I told him that I never thought that he would be like that. At first he was shocked, "what? I thought that's what we decided."

Then I said that I also never thought that he would behave the way that he did during the last 2 years of our M. That if he were SO unhappy and bored, he should have talked to me about it instead of sneaking around and lying to me, etc. etc. He should have told me that he wanted a D instead of letting me have to figure it out for myself and have to do all of the dirty work myself. I said that it's probably better that I don't keep his SUV because all it would do is remind me of all of the 48 mile round trips that he took into the city. blah blah. THEN I told him that he sucks to the core as a human being. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I am glad you told him your feelings. He needs to know how his actions affected you. This goes for your mother too - but you can do it without the fireworks in her case.
What I mean, is that you don't need to do everything your mother suggests, you can make your own decisions. If she tries to lay guilt on you, tell her how it makes you feel, and also tell her you will take her suggestions into consideration, but that you will do as you think best. It works with spouses, and it works with parents - Talk it out before it gets to you.


I cried throughout the conversation, but I was really balling at that point. I jumped on the computer and signed online. (YES so that he wouldn't call his stupid family).

I didn't realize his family had low IQ's.

Oh, wait, that's not what you meant.
Hmmm, I see.

This really got to you.

Please know, I understand where you were, and I feel for you. This must have been hard, made worse by all that has happened. Sorry - but laughter is a great help for recovery. I hope it helps.


OK, now you've seen the nasty side of me.

Don't hold your breath for me to give up on you because of this, you would be holding it a long, long, time.

I signed off after only 5 minutes.
You got to thinking.

I thought I would feel better (as everyone told me) after telling him off -- but I didn't. I felt horrible and guilty.

Learn to express your feelings without LB's. You are used to keeping them inside, and not letting them out at all. You thought it would feel good to finally come clean with him.

It is good to express your feelings, but it was the way it was done. I promise, it does feel good to be honest about things. In the future, if you will discuss things as they happen, and use the POJA, it will go much better. Not perfect, but much better. Always learn, never think it's the end.

I went upstairs after a while. He wasn't on the phone, but just lying in the dark. I said that I was sorry for going off like that, but I thought I was getting the SUV. He said, "why didn't you say anything."

AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!

Always learn, never think it's the end. Sometimes I tell myself "your an idiot, how could you do that." I always come back and correct it. "I made a mistake, I need to learn from it, and do better the next time."
Remember who you are, and what your goals are.

He came downstairs after a while. He made himself some tea and asked if I wanted some, too. Then we watched tv and again, it was as if nothing ever happened.

Unless you really want to watch TV when he does, I recommend you find things to do in another room. I worry about the move. Perhaps unfounded worry, but it's there.

OK, enough of my rant. Thanks for reading.

Again, I am sorry for the pain. I hope you are coming to realize that the reason you are valuable is not just because any one says so, but you are valuable because you are valuable. (you too jls.)

SS smiles again to himself, nods, and thinks "smart cookie, she'll get it."

SS

SVB1,


Sorry about the car thing. I understand that it's not about the car. It's just that he seems to value the SUV more than he values you. In that, he is blind - completely blind. <AD shakes head>

How're you doing today?

Are you working through Friday?

When do you expect to be back online in Chicago?
People here (me amongst them) will worry about you if you don't post something for a week. So, find a 'puter somewhere - at the public library, or Kinko's and let us know how you're doing. OK?

By the way, SS said it well, with good biblical backing, but I'll take a short stab at it too.

We are all damaged a little, and yet we remain of incalculable value. If somebody gives you a new car, you can say "but, it's got a scratch on it", or you can say "what a great car!". The same goes even more for people. Each touch of "damage" in a person becomes a feature, surrounded by the beauty of the whole person. One might even say that imperfection is neccesary to be perfectly human. Whatever "damage" we have suffered as a result of our spouse's actions, over time can lead to growth and deeper humanity. We should not seek to suffer, but if we find suffering on our path, it can be used to advantage.

-AD

Hi AD,

Thanks for checking on me again!

Last Friday was my last day at work. Right now, I'm still busy going through things and packing. I've been dilly dallying a lot though. I've been finding all kinds of things and it really distracts me! I've been looking through photo albums, reading old letters, watching butterflies fly by ( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) etc. I have to keep telling myself - "FOCUS SVB!"

Today has been much better, thank you. Yesterday was another tough day. I found a folder with our pre-marriage counseling information - workbooks, etc. We had to write love letters to each other on that day. His was wonderful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I guess he must have loved me when we got married. It's got those thoughts going round and round in my head again. I haven't passed out yet, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I hope to be on-line ASAP in Chicago - maybe Wednesday. I was able to purchase my computer from work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
It's actually a better computer than we have at home.
The only thing I need to do is buy a modem for it. I'd like to do it before I move.

H leaves Chicago on Wednesday morning, so then I'm sure I'll be posting away about the move on Wednesday evening.

Well, I better get back to the task at hand. I'll probably be posting a little later about some of these thoughts in my head.

SS, I have to get back to you, too. Some of these thoughts are because of your last post!

I have been thinking a lot about the conversation that H and I had the other morning.

This is how it started out:

I clarified it this morning with him. I told him that I didn't mean to say that - that he doesn't suck as a h.b., but I don't like how he handled everything these past couple of years. I told him that there is still good in him and that (unfortunately) I still love him.

H : That's good to know.

SVB : What do you mean "that's good to know?" Don't you know you don't suck as a human being?

H : (just shrugged his shoulders) -- it was as if he couldn't say anything because he was choked up.

SVB : Well you don't. How do you think I feel? (starting to cry) At least I still love you. Was I THAT horrible of a W that you stopped loving me?

H : Why do you look at it that way? Things just happen. Don't you think this is hard for me, too?

SVB: I don' know. You don't show it at all.

I thought about that all day. THEN I found those love letters later on, which got me thinking even more.

Of course, he was sweet all day. He packed some stuff for me. He kept saying, "why don't you take the camcorder...digital camera... cuckoo clock...microwave...(basically anything he came across)"

He offered to give me more $$$ -- because of the SUV.

In the evening, right before H went to work, I did something crazy. (you guys are going to want to slap me upside the head!)

I asked H, "I need to ask you a question. What do you think about delaying the D and just being separated first for a while."

H: (immediately) Yeah. YOU'RE the one that was in such a rush to D.

I explained to him AGAIN about WHY I was in such a rush.

H: But isn't it too late??

SVB: No, not really. We can call the courthouse and pull the D paperwork. People stop Ds like that all the time.

I got up to go to the kitchen, and I just thought out loud, mumbling, "I've just been thinking, that's all. I don't know, I'm confused. I don't know." over and over again.

We haven't discussed it any more. H was sweet again today.

Then I started thinking about what YOU said, SS.

I admit that I have worried about this one. Worried that he would find it useful for some reason to delay, and would play upon your heart strings a little bit longer.

I keep thinking, "uh oh, what did I do?" I've done the same thing as when I contacted H during plan B. HE didn't even do it -- I did it all by myself.

I worry not because of who, or what you are, of that I fear for your future, but I worry that he may find some further way to take advantage of you while you are still in turmoil. I worry because sometimes good people get shafted, and I want you to heal, not be wounded yet again.

I just wonder if we decide to try separation for a while - I don't know -- 6 months -- a year -- am I just dragging the pain out? AM I setting myself up to be used some more? After I move, though, I don't know how this could be. We will be separated in all senses. We won't be tied together financially anymore.

My couselor wondered why I decided on D so fast. She said that she doesn't believe in making hasty decisions. I don't really think it was a hasty decision. I have been living through this for the past year and a half. I'll admit that the job decision was hasty, though! (but I don't regret it)

At the same time, she said, "if it's meant to be, you can always get re-married."

At this point, I don't have to follow through on anything. I can just let the D process carry out. I didn't tell him that I WAS going to pull the D paperwork.

Our communication is so horrible, though, he might be assuming right now that I am going to be doing that. That's how I got into this SUV trouble.

What do I do? What do I do? I'm not tough anymore, am I.

...and one more thing (for now!)

I hope you don't mind my sometimes long posts.

They're my favorite!

YES, you are still TUFF.

I have to get S7 to bed soon, but will come back if I can. I did tell D14 that we were gonna watch a scary movie tho. (SHe hated MB, thinks it is silly).

NOW, Why did you "rush" the D? I wondered that too. BUT, it seemed as if you were sure. Look back...think about it. I think that you were actually in a better (calmer, anyway) frame of mind than you are right now! You seem to be falling prey to the BIG CHANGES anxiety/stress monster. ALOT of changes at once, svb.

Take deep breaths. I really HATE to say this, but does H seem as if HE doesn't want a D? OR would he just "stick" it out for awhile for you, which DOES show that he cares still. Maybe he does NOT know what he wants. Maybe he has been having an affair and he is in the "fog". Maybe he will come out of it after you are gone. THIS could just be your Plan B. You don't have to decide this right this minute.

And you don't even have to consider what he wants right now, either! Pull the D, and then if he wants it immediately , let HIM file!

step back...move away from the emotional turmoil, if just for a sec. And don't make any rash decisions either way, yet!! You could stay awake for days worrying about this and that will not help. I know, i would do that....

svb, SS is right, KNOW YOUR VALUE. Like yourself and LOVE yourself. You are scared, it's ok. And it's ok to change your mind. It's YOUR life, ya' know.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{svb}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


jls

In a list of the top 5 stressors in life.

-Divorce,
-Moving
-Changing Jobs

are all there.

You are getting a triple whammy! (and it was your choice).

Now, stress is not all a bad thing - as long as you can handle it.

If you want to slow down the D, slow it down. It's your life.

From what I have read about your H, he sounds very passive and disconnected.

Think about what you can or cannot build on this relationship.

On the other hand, if you don't D, now, you can always D him later.

-AD

I have been thinking a lot about the conversation that H and I had the other morning.

I have been thinking about it too.

This is how it started out:

"My dear, there is something I have to tell you.........."

Oh no. Shoot, that's probably how you wish he would start. Sorry......... Now, back to our regularly scheduled program.

H : Why do you look at it that way? Things just happen. Don't you think this is hard for me, too?

I am not seeing signs that it is hard for him too. I haven't seen him cry, or suffer in any way. You are there, what do you see?


SVB: I don' know. You don't show it at all.

It looks like you see what I see.

I thought about that all day. THEN I found those love letters later on, which got me thinking even more.

Of course, he was sweet all day. He packed some stuff for me. He kept saying, "why don't you take the camcorder...digital camera... cuckoo clock...microwave...(basically anything he came across)"

I don't understand either. WHAT DOES HE WANT??????
If one of your theories is true, it would explain - maybe.

He offered to give me more $$$ -- because of the SUV.

You know best about that. Whatever you think.

In the evening, right before H went to work, I did something crazy. (you guys are going to want to slap me upside the head!)

I asked H, "I need to ask you a question. What do you think about delaying the D and just being separated first for a while."

H: (immediately) Yeah. YOU'RE the one that was in such a rush to D.

I explained to him AGAIN about WHY I was in such a rush.

I would like to know again what you explained. Though, it will be hard to remember exactly, now that the conversation is a day or more old.

Did you bring up everything? The evidence you collected?
Or just the general stuff - like everyone could see that it wasn't working?

If you mentioned specific things, and all he said was "isn't it too late?" then there are still big problems. I would guess that you didn't mention specific things.

I don't want to slap you - this is your life, remember?

H: But isn't it too late??

SVB: No, not really. We can call the courthouse and pull the D paperwork. People stop Ds like that all the time.

I got up to go to the kitchen, and I just thought out loud, mumbling, "I've just been thinking, that's all. I don't know, I'm confused. I don't know." over and over again.


Ok.

One of the reasons you filed is that he treated you badly. Now he is treating you better.

Another is that he kept secrets.

Another is that you heard him saying (to his family) he was going to file in time.

Normally, I would ask questions at this point.

I just wonder if we decide to try separation for a while - I don't know -- 6 months -- a year -- am I just dragging the pain out? AM I setting myself up to be used some more? After I move, though, I don't know how this could be. We will be separated in all senses. We won't be tied together financially anymore.

I don't have answers for you. You still love him.
Does he still love you?
Will he come clean?
Do you want him if he won't?

My counselor wondered why I decided on D so fast. She said that she doesn't believe in making hasty decisions. I don't really think it was a hasty decision. I have been living through this for the past year and a half. I'll admit that the job decision was hasty, though! (but I don't regret it)
I have never thought of 1 1/2 years as being hasty.

At the same time, she said, "if it's meant to be, you can always get re-married."

True. But you won't have much to do with him after you move, so it's kind of a moot point.

At this point, I don't have to follow through on anything. I can just let the D process carry out. I didn't tell him that I WAS going to pull the D paperwork.

I recommend the same thing as always. Find a quiet place free of distractions. Think on it a while. Go over the evidence you have gathered. Compare him now, to how he was earlier when you made up your mind. Look at the changes he has made. See if they work for you. Make a decision - Yes, I was right. No, I need stop this.
Pray about what you decide.
Ask if you are right.
Listen for an answer - expect to get one.

Our communication is so horrible, though, he might be assuming right now that I am going to be doing that. That's how I got into this SUV trouble.

You use the word "Our"
One of you has to change that. I suspect he will not.

What do I do? What do I do? I'm not tough anymore, am I.

Being tough means you get through the doubts, not that you don't have them.

You are worth too much for me to want to slap you. I just want you to find peace.

SS

Hey s,

I will be working tonite, but wanted to get this to page 1 right away. Been thinking about you and wondering how you are!! Hope the move went ok.


jls

Hi jls!

The move went pretty well. I only had two (emotional) breakdowns (so far). I dropped STBXH off at the airport this morning.

I don't have phone service or a modem yet, so I can't use my computer at home to get online yet. My apartment complex has a computer for internet use, though, so I'll be using that in the meantime. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have A LOT to do yet, so I won't be able to check in as often as I like, but I just wanted to give a quick update.

I'll post more about the move later.

svb

svb1,

Congratulations on a successful move.

Expect better times ahead.

-AD

It's good to know you got there safely. Only two breakdowns........but how are you now??? Should we worry?

No comments about H, or his behavior on the trip. That could be good, or bad. Hmmm........

From the start I wanted to know how you move fish. Did they make it OK too?

Realizing you have tons to do, I'll quit asking questions. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

God be with you.

SS

What kind of an update was THAT? I want details! I am tired of my own sitch and would like to hear about somebody elses'!

Glad you are here safe, tho.

jls

Yeah, we want a more complete story.

Is your Mom coming over and hanging around?

You start work on Monday?

Are there any single guys in the building? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />