I having serious doubts again.

I don't want to be divorced.

I go to work every day and I deal with so many young couples. They have recently started new lives together and are full of hope and happiness about the future - together.
They're everywhere. They've either just moved to the area, or they've just had a baby, or they're expecting a baby -- or whatever. And then I think, "what happened to us?" I feel old and used and unwanted. I want to go back to the time when WE were recently married and ready to take on the world.

Before I moved out here, I couldn't cry. I think now that it might have been the ADs I was taking. I've been off them for a while now. Now I cry at the drop of a hat. (H liked the way I looked in hats - see I complain about him, but I guess he has given me compliments in the past) Thankfully, I haven't cried at work yet. It's not easy, though. Because I still wear my wedding ring, many people ask me about my H at work. I am starting to regret the decision that I made to keep wearing my ring until I'm officially D'd.

I suppose this is the pain that I need to go through to heal. How long does this last?

How bad would it be to call H and tell him that I don't want a divorce anymore - that we're making a big mistake? I want to ask him if he's having doubts, too, and if he misses me.

I actually called him tonight. Thankfully he didn't answer the phone.

Well, SVB, I will not say that it would be "wrong" for you to try again to save your marriage. From what you have written of him, I really don't have much idea of what's going through your H's mind.



Be careful what you wish for.

You are still young, SVB. But, if you spend another 5 years trying to reel in your H - and reform him to treat you better... Maybe it wouldn't take that long, but I have no idea. I don't really get much feel for him from what you have written about him. You don't even know for sure if he is having an A.

The "yes", "no", "maybe", "no", "yes", "maybe", "maybe", "no", "no", "no", "maybe", "yes" cycle is exhausting.

I've been on that roller-coaster so long that I thought I was glad to be getting off of it. (notice the uncertainty).

I was the one who moved out - at least this time around. I just could not live with her lies and sneaking visits to OM. (GPS really opened my eyes.) She certainly is not telling me that she wants him. She gives few signs of any plan to marry him - or any rush to D right now. He is single - and has been persuing her for our entire marriage.

Recently she has suggested that "if we stay married" we should move to another city. I reply that this is a big commitment for me, because I have family here - and was born here - and really don't mind living here. I would have to sell two houses and etc. Then, we would be in a completely different court environment for divorce (in the other state). We already have everything agreed upon here. If we divorced there, I would not be able to return here because she would refuse to move and it is way too far for me to go for regular child visitation. So, it's a big risk for me. I tell her "OM has a car. He came 7000 miles once to get near you. He will follow us." She replies "If I move to another city with you, he will get the message that I don't want him and will give up."

Sorry to prattle on your thread. I'll go post on mine.

Oh, but one last thing. I *said* I was going to get rid of stuff with memories attached, but I haven't done it yet. I even picked up the wedding albumn from the other house. I was going to save it for DD, but I don't know what to do with it for now. Worse, on the way home from Atlanta last week with my new citizen - we stopped at a scenic place and I took some pictures. One of them is now the background image on my computer desktop. So, I'm constantly reminded of what I'm losing.

-AD

ok, my doubting phase is over. (for now anyway <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)

I spoke with STBXH on Thursday night. I asked him if he ever has doubts. He said, "I think that's normal." I told him that I was having doubts. I asked him if he still wants to get a D, He said "kinda." There was a lot more to the conversation, but that was the jist of it.

Now I am angry. I am angry at myself for ever doubting. I am angry at myself for calling him. I am angry at HIM.

But that's not the worst of it.

H is in Miami right now. When I spoke with him on Thursday, he told me that his friend (and new wife) in Miami bought him a ticket to visit them. He left Friday afternoon and will be there till Wednesday. He starts his new job on Thursday.

I checked stbx's email. His friend didn't buy him a ticket. He bought it himself. I guess he must have decided it would be fun to go to Miami to celebrate with his friend before he starts his new job. I'm sure he's checking out the chicas on the beach during the day and going out to clubs at night. Gee, I wonder if he's still wearing his wedding ring, like I am?

I am such an idiot.

But why lie to me about the ticket? I think because if he told me that HE bought the ticket to go to FLA, I would be offended that he didn't come to visit me instead. Ok, this is just what I think. I have NO idea what goes through H's head. All I know is that he lied.

I am back to thinking that he is pure evil.

What I have decided is that I don't need to be in contact with him at all. Ever. It just brings on too much grief for me.

When it's time for me to go to D court in PA, I'm not even going to let him know I'm in the area. When I have the paperwork, I'll just Fed Ex his copies.

I'm done.

SVB,

I also don't know why he bothers to lie at this point.

But, "pure evil?", I doubt it. Just an ordinary, selfish, conflict avoiding WS.

He "kinda" want's a D?!? I think his reply means "yes" - but with a conflict avoider twist. Yuck! Makes 'ya kinda wanna puke.

-AD

Hi AD,

He "kinda" want's a D?!? I think his reply means "yes" - but with a conflict avoider twist. Yuck! Makes 'ya kinda wanna puke.

Yeah, when he said that I said, "ok, I guess I'll take that as a YES, without you having to actually say YES." To that, he didn't say anything.

Now I have a question.....

I got an e-mail b-day card from H's closest sister and niece. (the ones he always confided in) But it's also the SIL I felt closest to.

How am I supposed to respond to it? Or do I respond at all?

OK, now you know another reason why I've been extra depressed lately.

I am officially 36 now. (b-day was yesterday)

I got a card in the mail from STBX, though. He must have put it in the mail before he left to go party in Miami. Boy, I feel so special. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Hi SVB,

Read your posts, just got back from vacation last night. You give me a lot to think about.

How was work today?
How are you tonight (as compared to when you did those last few posts?)

SS

svb1..All I can say is at least you got a card. I just got ignored as if I don't exist. It amazes me how the WS can just forget a whole block of their life.

SS, I knew you were on vacation. I wasn't sure when you were coming back. I hope you had a great time.

The day just draaagggged at work today. I couldn't wait to get out of there. Why? So I could come back home to crawl back into my hole, of course. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I still feel the same as I've felt all week ... bummed.

Sorry, I still haven't answered your question about what I'd do if there were no more doubt. I'm still thinking about it, though.

TreeReich, I'm sorry you didn't get a b-day card. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> To be honest, when I heard that H was going to be going to Miami, I didn't think I'd get one, either. I was truly surprised to receive one.

Was afraid you would say work was a d r a g.

I recommend............some of those same things I recommended you do while H was gone last winter. If what your dad said (about what kind of cookie you are) is true - and it is, you SHOULD be able to figure out how to get beyond this stage.

I am sorry, but I still worry about you. You are worth it, do you know that yet?

When do you get vacation days? Is there a waiting period, or do they accumilate?

How is Lenny?

I have lots of questions, but no time. Mostly about how you are. Have to go, still at work, under deadline. (made worse by not giving it my full attention.)

You really are worth it.

Priceless -

SS

Happy B-Day SVB!

He's got secrets. Still has secrets. I understand how you wouldnt want to be D'd, but being married to THAT man wasnt the way to go, either.

Dont respond at all to the card.

Maybe he's worried that you would have been upset about him spending $ on the ticket? Maybe he's got other things lined up in Miami? His story makes the trip very innocent. Any other story would have drawn questions. Secrets. You dont want a man with this many secrets.

WHY are you checking his email? You gotta let go, girl. THIS ISNT THE MAN YOU'RE LOOKING FOR...(droid.. whatever). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope you have a good day today - G

Hi SS,

I hope work is going well for you.

I recommend............some of those same things I recommended you do while H was gone last winter. If what your dad said (about what kind of cookie you are) is true - and it is, you SHOULD be able to figure out how to get beyond this stage.

I remember what you are talking about. You made a list. You have given me a project now. I have to go back through this thread and find your list. I think I remember some of them anyway.

I know I need to keep busy. Sometimes I just don't have the energy, though. Even when I'm out, sometimes I want to be back at home... to wallow.

I imagine through time it will get better.

Amazingly enough, emotionally, I feel better today. (despite battling a migraine!)

As for work, my vacation days accumulate. I have to save my days for now, though, because I am expecting to have to go back to PA sometime in the next month or two for D court.
I will definitely need them then.

As for Lenny.. I wonder about her.

She has stopped growing. When I brought home her two friends, they were both smaller than her. Now they are both BIGGER than she is. One is practically twice her size.
What makes a goldfish stop growing?

Yes, these are the things I think about when I'm not thinking about you know who. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hello Drucilla,

Thanks for checking in.

Yes the man STILL has secrets. Isn't it amazing?

I do need to let go.

You know what's interesting? When I talked to H about his trip to Miami, he was telling me about his friend and friend's new wife. Apparently, the new wife doesn't even know his friend's REAL age!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> How can you not tell your girlfiend/wife your actual age? My STBX told me that he was shocked at this information. H's friend apparently also believes that secrets and lies are OK in a marriage. Geez if you are going to lie about your age, what else will you lie about?? I'm shocked that my stbx was even shocked. If anything, he would UNDERSTAND. I should've asked H if he gave his friend a lecture about keeping lies and secrets in a M. Wouldn't that be a kick in the head?

I am having a better day today. I hope you have a good day, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Howdy, svb! I just wanted to stop in and say hey and how wonderful I think you are doing. I know this is all so hard for you, but you are being so brave and strong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I love that ss is talking to you; isn't he just such a wonderful, soothing man?

Your fan,

Mel <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oops!

And a belated "Happy Birthday", from me too!

-AD

MelodyLane! Thank you. It means a lot to me that you think so. I don't feel brave and strong most of the time, though.

I thought you were upset w/me because I blew plan B. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I often wonder how things would have turned out if I hadn't blown plan B. Who knows, maybe I'd be in the same place that I am now!

And yes, SS is a wonderful man. I can't say enough about him. I think the feeling is mutual all over this board, from what I read.

AD, thank you, too.

I am beginning to think that you are a vampire, though. Granted, I did read your post at 2am, but I am not a vampire because I also post in the daylight.

Na, more like banging your head on the table... let's not and say you did <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

My name always comes out Drucilla when you type it... are making fun of screen name? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Things are looking better for me these days. I guess it's just a long, hard road no matter which path you end up on. I havent changed my profile... I hit 37 this year <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />. Enjoy 36 while you can <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> - Dru

SVB,
I need your help. Tonight, or tomorrow, I'll come back and ask a favor.

Hope you are doing better today.

Tell me, what did you do for your birthday? Was it a happy day, or a sad day? Mixed?

You haven't mentioned your friend for a while. Did you give up on her?

I ask lots of questions....... is there anything you want to talk about?

SS

OHMIGOSH, I was never mad at you at all! I think what happened was supposed to happen and even though your marriage didn't work out, it has ended in the best possible way for you. I think having him around for awhile longer gave you a chance to peacefully accept that it wouldn't work.

What a long hard road you have had. I hope and pray the worst is over, because you really deserve some happiness. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Drucilla,

My name always comes out Drucilla when you type it... are making fun of screen name?

That's right, that's a Buffy name isn't it? I didn't think about it. No, I'm not making fun of your name. You have a cool name. Everybody has a cool name but me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm glad you're doing better these days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SS,

I need your help. Tonight, or tomorrow, I'll come back and ask a favor.

I'll be here. You've got me wondering now.

Hope you are doing better today.

Well, I was doing ok today until I got home from work and found an invitation to a wedding shower in my mailbox. !! I got into bed and cried for about 15 minutes. Then I got out of bed to sign into MB. I found the post about deep dish pizza in Chicago and BAM! the wedding shower invitation was forgotten. See, all you need to do is mention FOOD to me and I will be ok. I am easily distracted like a 3 year old.

Tell me, what did you do for your birthday? Was it a happy day, or a sad day? Mixed?

Well, I celebrated my b-day over the weekend. Friday and Saturday I went to Six Flags with my friend. I spent Sunday with my mom. She took me to see, “Must Love Dogs” and out to dinner.
Friday and Saturday were… stressful. (long story) Sunday with my mom was nice.

Monday, my actual b-day, was nothing special. I went to work, came home, and then went to sleep at around 7pm –- like a true old fogey. I guess you could call it a mixed day.

MelodyLane,

I’m glad you weren’t upset with me. I guess I’m just a little too sensitive.

What a long hard road you have had. I hope and pray the worst is over, because you really deserve some happiness.

Thanks. I hope the worst is over, too. Now I am just waiting for my heart to grow bigger (if what they say in “Must Love Dogs” is right)

Oh, and guess what I did today? I flushed a spider down the toilet. Now THAT’s what I call being brave and strong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

SVB,

There's a lady on MB named "SpiderSlayer" already! I think that's how she get her name. The first time after her H left that she had to deal with a spider herself, she did it and it made her feel powerful.

No, not a vampire. Just don't sleep well, and I'm trying not to get on MB when I'm at work. I've manage to do that for almost 3 weeks now, but now I'm shopping ebay while I'm supposed to be working. Not good.

Hmmmm. I'm guessing the 'coasters didn't work out. Just let me know when you're ready to talk about it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

-AD